Dear BS?! But how??

[ComingInHot]

who am i wrote, " I threw it in her face on purpose because I was hurting and desperate. It is so important to me to tell her that I know how wrong I was and that I am so very sorry for everything. I just don't want to make matters worse..."

 

You kind of sound like my H's exow. She started w/an apology then continued to contact me w/details she thought I "needed" to know.

I only asked her two questions but her answers covered far more than what I asked for, wanted or needed.

She did this to be mean and hurtful to me as a way to make sure my H would suffer at least My wrath...

She kept trying to email me (and once in a while my H).

I didn't respond other than stop contacting me until I couldn't takeher irritation any longer.

My final words were exactly your MM's W's words.

 

I Was contacted Again by her. The next day she received contact from my attorney & the police.

 

No matter what she said, wrote text me, I already knew enough about her that Nothing she said going further would change my H's or my opinion of her (or of my H). It only further proved the she couldn't stop obsessing about me and that my H chose to stay w/me (actually work to come back to me).

 

At tis point, it may make you "feel" better, but it could also land you w/a cease/desist letter & a visit from your local authorities.

Be careful*

[underwater2010]

I haven't read all the responses to this thread but the ones I have read say not to contact the bs anymore and I get that since the affair has ended and she already knows he's a cheater. Now I'm curious if those same posters would say not to contact the bs if the affair didn't end after dday? So question is expose underground affair or not? This is simply a hypothetical scenario.

Not to thread jack, but yes if the affair was taken underground then you should let the BS know. But then again it would not be underground if it wasn't a secret.

[dichotomy]

You apologized. You honestly replied to her questions about her affair (Oh how many of us wish for that). To a betrayed spouse there is no such thing as too much information to our questions we have. Rarely does the OW (or OM) ever display such regret and willingness to answer any questions.

 

You have made a major step forward in reclaiming yourself. Reget is healthy, accountability and honesty admirable, and asking for forgiveness priceless. Leave them alone, and move on.

[MissBee]

So true!!! That falsehood that "One more text/email/call/letter will set me free of this grief and somehow I will move on..." I suffer from this faulty notion. I seriously need to get a life coach to move into my home with me and keep me away from all electronics and stamps when I'm weak. Sometimes we need to accept that it has all been said.

 

Yea. I think most of us know the feeling.

 

I remember with my last ex, I continuously emailed him/texted him these lengthy emails/apologies (for what??) etc. Thinking one more talk, one more emotive email etc would make me feel better or reverse things or help me move on. They didn't. I am sooooooo embarrassed I did that . I call that the post-breakup insanity. It's like you feel compelled to just keep verbally vomiting and sending email and text and phone call after phone call explaining etc. It's really crazy-making. It was especially embarrassing when he didn't respond or responded with two lines. I vowed that I'd really not do that again in another breakup and I'd keep the insanity in check. I would address all emails to myself first to get out the need to send it and then sleep on it for a while, if I thought I HAD to send it.

 

Yess the sooner we accept that it has all been said, the more we preserve our dignity and the less chance for regrets or acting foolishly. If this person esp has asked you to not contact them again, even more so you should accept that all has been said and leave it be.

[So happy together]

That apology should have come with the first contact. Now deal with you and only you.

 

Please, don't judge.

[whichwayisup]

I struggle a great deal with the pain I have caused. If there is anything that I can do to even ease some of that pain for her I am more then willing to entertain the idea.

 

You hurt yourself along the way and I think changing the focus onto yourself will help. First - Really do work on forgiving yourself for having an A. Yeah you messed up and made some bad choices. That's in the past now and forgiving yourself, your part in all this has to happen. If you can truly do that, then letting go of wanting to apologize to his wife, contacting her, will be much less.

 

The only way now to ease her pain is to just stay out of their lives and never contact either of them.

 

I'm going to say it again, you need to take care of "you" and rebuild yourself. Confidence, self esteem... Spa day with friends, have fun and focus on the positives in your life. Let the past stay in the past, k.

[KathyM]

OK...lets make one thing crystal clear for all those who may still be under the assumption that I am not aware that having and affair with a married man was not quite possibly the worst thing I could ever do...I know it was. I've said countless times how I feel awful about it. It is not necessary to remind me of that...not once, but twice. It's well covered territory, KathyM.

When you said that giving her the truth was the worst thing you could have possibly done, I felt it necessary to differentiate that the truth is not what is harmful, but the act that is being covered up is what is harmful. It is far more harmful to her to keep her in the dark and to have her continue to be deceived. Giving her the truth was the best thing you could have done. I'm glad you understand that having the affair to begin with was a harmful thing for all parties. Some OW seem to even think it's a benefit to the marriage. It's good that you are not delusional about it and are owning it. I commend you for your honesty, first to yourself in realizing that the affair was destructive, and then your honesty to the BS in confessing the affair to her and apologizing for it. I'm trying to reassure you that you did the right thing in informing her of the truth and apologizing for your part in it. You seemed to think you were wrong and did harm to her by informing her, but that is not the case. The harm was from the act itself (affair) and not from the revelation of the truth. The truth gave her the choices that she should rightfully have, in whether to stay with the husband and work on the marriage, or whether to leave it.

I'd like to remind you also that this is not a thread about telling the BS.

Your thread title is "Dear BS? But how??" I would assume that would mean that the thread is about telling the BS, but how.

That topic has been beaten to death around here and my conclusion is that it is a very personal decision that one needs to make on their own after a lot of soul searching and never in haste...just like the decision to reconcile. Everyone has different affairs and everyone has different marriages. My response to Goodbye was my opinion and my thoughts and feelings on my very unique situation. She stated that my personal experiences made an impression on her...and my reply was a directed to her as such.

 

Now I appreciate that you think I should not contact her again. I imagine that your thoughts and feelings on this comes from a possible unique experience that has lead you to think this way...and I, in turn, will respect that.

She has asked you not to contact her again. I think that's pretty straight-forward, and you would be wise to respect that.

I struggle a great deal with the pain I have caused. If there is anything that I can do to even ease some of that pain for her I am more then willing to entertain the idea. It's frustrating that I (as well as many others) am obviously trying so hard to do whats right and there are still some people who want to sneak in the back door and remind me that if I hadn't been with a married man I wouldn't have any of these problems. NO KIDDING! You don't think I know that? But there's no time machine. So now I have to do what I can on this side of the sh*t storm I caused. THIS is the topic of this thread and I am all ears to those with helpful and constructive comments.

I am stating what many others on this thread have stated to you--you have given her the truth. You have apologized to her. Anything further from you, when she specifically asked you to no longer contact her, would be disrespecting her feelings and wishes. So let it go, and don't contact her further. If you are looking to heal yourself from this, the confession and apology goes a long way towards that goal, and you have done that. You may want to start journaling as a way of healing, and writing down your feelings and reflecting on them yourself. If you feel you have more to say to the BS in order for you to heal, you could write a letter and don't send it. Writing the letter itself has a therapeutic effect, but don't send any additional letters, Emails or have additional contact, because she has requested that you no longer contact her.

[So happy together]

Since I did not:sick:.... I would like to remind one and all that there are mods and to keep the thread on topic.

 

I'd like to know where I called you out? If I did, as much as I appreciate your opinion, it may have been necessary.

 

My most sincere ( and I mean this ) apologies if I have hurt your feelings.

[So happy together]

Please, don't judge.

 

I will say, you've no right to tell her when to apologize, if at all.

[skylarblue]

I've only read a couple of other posts and most likely I'm not saying anything that hasn't already been said, but here's my take anyway.

 

Sending the BS a letter or initiating any kind of contact is wrong and a continuation of the selfishness and disrespect you've already shown to her by participating in the A. I applaud your initial contact, but the amicable rapport went out the window when you lashed out at her. She has made it clear as to what she wants, no further contact from you. What you want to do, would feel better doing, think is best, or feel you would want to happen if you were her/in her shoes, is irrelevant. It's not about you; it's about her and her right to work on, make decisions about, and navigate through her M without unwanted and unsolicited interference from you. You should respect her wishes. It is the least you can do.

 

An apology should have come immediately (like within hours) after the negative exchange and all it should have said was "My sincere apology for my rude and inappropriate behavior exhibited during our last discourse. No further contact of any kind is assured." It's simply too late. If you really are sorry then show it by honoring her request and not re-appearing (invading) her life once more. You're just going to have to be satisfied knowing you've apologized in your heart, and take it as lesson/reminder of the importance to think before you say/react, especially when the goal/motive is simply to unnecessarily and undeservingly hurt someone else. We can't turn back time, and an ounce of prevention really is worth a pound of cure.

[KathyM]

 

I will say, you've no right to tell her when to apologize, if at all.

I'm not sure if your comment is directed to me or Bentnotbroken, but I'm making a suggestion, because it is therapeutic for the OW to confess and apologize. It's also the decent thing to do. As a member of LS, I have the right to state my opinion and give my perspective, as does everyone else on this board, assuming that it is within LS guidelines. And people have the right to disregard the advice and opinions expressed by other members if they wish. I would assume people post on this board in order to get a variety of perspectives. If they were only looking for one perspective, I would think they would choose to ask on a message board of a different type, or choose not to post their stories asking for input or advice at all.

[So happy together]

:confused:Whatever my right is I told her what I felt was pertinent and the post was not addressed to you...leave the t/j alone.

 

Fair enough. She'll take what she finds pertinent.

[thomasb]

My wife and I had to take out a R.O. because the OW would not stop contacting us once she was told too. You really don't want the public humiliation and shame that would cause you and your family. She also lost her job. Just stay away and leave this woman to heal. You can do nothing at this point but hurt yourself.

[Goodbye]

I know the OW here did the same thing. Told me all kinds of hurtful things just to be hurtful. I also know that she had an agenda and a vendetta. Plus I had no reason to believe that she was being anymore honest than my H was.

 

If she suddenly wrote me some heartfelt apology I would tell her to go eff herself. I wouldn't believe after the things she said that she suddenly grew a conscious and felt bad and I would 100% believe she was doing it for less than honorable reasons.

 

She would also get a very eye opening response back about what my H and others were now saying about her.

 

 

I'm just curious, what kinds of things did she tell you just to be hurtful?

[who_am_i]

Thanks to you all for your replies.

 

I'd like to say that I'm a little surprised by your responses as when the OP posted a letter to the BS in her situation many (unless I misunderstood) applauded her and expressed how they too would have appreciated a heartfelt apology following the initial shock of d-day. However, I appreciate your input and realize everyone's circumstances are different.

 

That said, I'd also like to point out that I am not the other woman who won't go away or can't get the hint. I understand some of you have had to deal with that, but I have been extremely respectful of their wishes to reconcile. I also never went out of my way to be intentionally hurtful. She asked questions that I originally replied to with vague answers in an attempt to cushion the fallout for xMM...but soon realized that I didn't owe him that favor and bluntly answered subsequent questions. I NEVER went out of my way to be hurtful...I just stopped the candy coating.

 

Lastly, I can sympathize with you should you have required a restrain order to get rid of your OM/OW...but something tells me that if there has been no contact since d-day and I were to send a single simple letter of apology, a judge would be hard pressed to find me threatening. But that's just my opinion...

 

I am a good person. Yes, I made an awful, awful choice and I can't take it back...or believe me, I would. Like you all, I'm here to find understanding and move past this painful experience. I truly hope you all can do the same. xo

[Praying4Peace]

Who knows? Maybe she'd hate you for sending the letter and it would bring back bad memories if they are trying to move on (though its still early after Dday) BUT maybe somewhere down the line she'd be happy you sent it because it helped her process some emotions? I remember the thread you were talking about where the BS said it helped her move on to receive the apology.

 

Things keep on changing, emotions keep getting re-evaluated. I also didn't think you were rude in the second exchange...you just told her the truth and stopped protecting MM. Most BS's want to know details. It's like a bitter pill you have to have, I guess.

 

I don't know, I go back and forth on this one. But I'm not a BS so I would take their opinion into account way more.

[whichwayisup]

I'd like to say that I'm a little surprised by your responses as when the OP posted a letter to the BS in her situation many (unless I misunderstood) applauded her and expressed how they too would have appreciated a heartfelt apology following the initial shock of d-day. However, I appreciate your input and realize everyone's circumstances are different.

Your circumstances are different than others. The BS in your situation has asked you to never contact them again - I do get that you'd love to give that heartfelt apology to her. Maybe if she hadn't told you to leave her (them) alone, if you contacted them, they'd consider it harrassment and file an RO against you, then yeah I would have said do send her that apology, but that isn't the case now.

 

The apology is the silence. respecting that will show her (them) that you are honouring the request.

 

Wish you well - Live life now and try move past this.

[Athens]

I thought about this post last night as my husband and I were talking. What if we turn the tables and the BS writes a letter to the OW-

Would you want to know that he considers you the worst mistake of his life, that regrets every minute he spent with you, that he feels now that he used you at a time when he was low and feeling insecure and needed someone to pump his ego and help him feel better about the stress of life but he never loved you and in retrospect does not even like you so much because he considers you weak and all to willing to do whatever he wanted-would it make it better if we wrapped it in a heartfelt apology for using you and preying on your vulnerabilities? Probably not, because you see as people move on from an affair to heal and understand the picture changes, they see people and events from a different light and its not always pretty. We are healing not only from the affair but from the knowledge that my husband took advantage of a situation and person like that- so, I guess my point is-leave it alone, there is plenty that should be left unsaid-

[Goodbye]

I thought about this post last night as my husband and I were talking. What if we turn the tables and the BS writes a letter to the OW-

Would you want to know that he considers you the worst mistake of his life, that regrets every minute he spent with you, that he feels now that he used you at a time when he was low and feeling insecure and needed someone to pump his ego and help him feel better about the stress of life but he never loved you and in retrospect does not even like you so much because he considers you weak and all to willing to do whatever he wanted-would it make it better if we wrapped it in a heartfelt apology for using you and preying on your vulnerabilities? Probably not, because you see as people move on from an affair to heal and understand the picture changes, they see people and events from a different light and its not always pretty. We are healing not only from the affair but from the knowledge that my husband took advantage of a situation and person like that- so, I guess my point is-leave it alone, there is plenty that should be left unsaid-

 

Actually, it would probably give me the emotional kick in the a$$ to be able to finally get him out of my head.

[Athens]

Goodbye, I can see that, but you know what, you need to move on for you not because someone cut you to the core with words that will linger in your mind. That is why I get annoyed with our OW because she just won't let it die, she won't heal for herself and in a way that does not allow us to heal for us. Good luck to you, but do it for you, we are all worthy of happiness and peace in our lives.

[sunshine63]

Athens, I believe your husband feels that way after the affair and you are very lucky that he does. But not every man is plagued with regret. Many stay with their wife for nothing but financial reasons, or maybe the kids, and they tell their BS anything they want to hear to keep things calm and as drama free as possible at home.

 

I mean...do you want to hear how much he loved his AP? How amazing the sex was? How they laughed and talked for hours in bed? How she did this little thing with her tongue that drove him wild? There are two sides to this. Your husband is protecting your heart, too!

 

My husband had a long term affair while we were married. He told me he did not love her, it was just for sex, he felt nothing for her and wanted nothing to do with her. I knew better.... I divorce him. He is with her seven years later and they are truly a happy. They are much better match than we ever were.

 

I have never had a conversation with her regarding the affair. When crap hit the fan she graciously went away and never interfered. I am sure they were still in contact, but that is water way under the bridge. . .

 

I guess I am just saying every relationship, even though there similarities, the relationships are as unique as the two people who make them up.

 

I am happy the two of your found your way back to each other.

[Athens]

Sunshine, I get it, I do...but this is in relation to should she contact the BS post DDay to apologize again after she admitted to giving details out of spite. As I said, there is much to be said for leaving somethings unsaid, just as I am not interested in the gory details of the affair, nor should she be interested in the details of reconciliation. To contact the BS again just continues the pattern of threes a crowd...drop it, heal and move forward. I am not naive as to what an affair looks like and I am sure there is more intimate things than what he has told me, but that's the point....it happened and either you move on or you do..what counts it's what's happening now and in the future, healing and peace for all.

[ladydesigner]

who_am_i you did the right thing. My MOW lied to me about what really happened when confronted and so did my Wh. Good for you! Forgive yourself. When you said those nasty things you were in pain, many of us have done this to friends and family members. Try to forgive yourself.

 

Keep moving in a healthier direction for yourself!

 

Just want to add that I would have appreciated a heartfelt apology from MOW. It would have helped me heal if she had done that and then left us alone. I got vitrol from mine. I never called her a name, and she basically made me feel really stupid and foolish about myself and my marriage. It hurts to this day and is something I'll probably always carry with me.

[who_am_i]

who_am_i you did the right thing. My MOW lied to me about what really happened when confronted and so did my Wh. Good for you! Forgive yourself. When you said those nasty things you were in pain, many of us have done this to friends and family members. Try to forgive yourself.

 

Sunshine, I get it, I do...but this is in relation to should she contact the BS post DDay to apologize again after she admitted to giving details out of spite. As I said, there is much to be said for leaving somethings unsaid, just as I am not interested in the gory details of the affair, nor should she be interested in the details of reconciliation. To contact the BS again just continues the pattern of threes a crowd...drop it, heal and move forward. I am not naive as to what an affair looks like and I am sure there is more intimate things than what he has told me, but that's the point....it happened and either you move on or you do..what counts it's what's happening now and in the future, healing and peace for all.

 

I never said that I gave too many details out of spite or that I said nasty things. I just stopped trying to candy coat things to cover his ass.

 

Man...

 

Lets make one thing clear Athens...I would have never considered sending her a letter that would hurt her further!! Your comments about sending the OW a letter were strictly to be hurtful...and though you may find pleasure in discussing doing something like that with your husband, that was not my intention. Furthermore, I have moved on. I am healing. And, I am trying to make peace with my mistakes. In the past I'd considered writing to her but had not out of respect for her request. Last week when I saw the response the OP got I thought perhaps it would somehow be beneficial.

 

It's clear to me that in some BS eyes there is NOTHING that ANY OW can do right...

 

So one last time for those that missed it...

 

I get that I was wrong to see a married man!! I understand!! I need no further reminders!!

I know they are working on things.

I'd never do anything to further hurt their relationship.

I'm not going to send the letter!

 

Horse beaten...thank you

[ComingInHot]

who am I wrote, " It's clear to me that in some BS eyes there is NOTHING that ANY OW can do right..."

 

I think that you are already doing the right thing now*