Dear BS?! But how??

[who_am_i]

Last week I read a thread that included a letter to the BS. Even before reading it I had been considering sending one of my own. Since then I have written a few and deleted them all out of fear. There are a lot of things I want to say to her, but because I know that I've already caused her so much pain I'm afraid of how she will react. What if she doesn't care what I have to say? What if it just makes her angry? I know that getting to tell her how sorry I am will help me...but I also know that it's not about me anymore.

 

Here's the Cliffs Notes version of my story:

I was seeing xMM for 2 years.

There were a lot of ups and downs the last week or so making us both a bit nuts. He wasn't sure what he wanted and I couldn't handle the back and forth of it all.

Eventually I sent his wife an email letting her in the nicest way I know how (if there is such a thing) that I'd been seeing her husband.

After a few emails back and forth xMM contacted me and forbid me to have any further contact with his wife. He said he hated me and was done with me and it didn't matter what I told her because regardless of how their relationship played out he wanted nothing to do with me again.

The next email I received from her I was...lets just say much less considerate of her feelings with my responses. I never lied to her, but I did answer her questions with maybe a few too many details this time (something I am not proud of).

Following my reply to her last round of questions she sent a message that only said. "Any further contact will be considered harassment."

That was 2 days after d-day and I have not contacted either of them since.

That was about 2 and a half months ago.

 

I'd like to point out...for all those non-believers out there...that hindsight is absolutely 20/20. Given the chance to do it all over again I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have contacted her at all. That was so incredibly selfish. I also know that I was wrong to provide her with too many details to her questions. I threw it in her face on purpose because I was hurting and desperate. It is so important to me to tell her that I know how wrong I was and that I am so very sorry for everything. I just don't want to make matters worse...

 

I guess what I'm hoping for is some advice as to what to say...or better yet, how to say it. Or...whether to even bother saying it at all.

[Praying4Peace]

Who_am_I,

 

Please please please don't send her a letter. You already told her about the affair and regardless of whether than was a betrayal of any promises you and exMM had it was a FAVOR to her. Read what all the BS's say here. They want to know and they deserve to know! Just because you told her information she had a right to possess does not mean that she's going to love you for it. Don't take anger that she has towards you as you doing something wrong.

 

Are you sure you aren't somehow subconsciously writing her this very nice letter to show exMM that you are still a good person even though you outed him? Let him have a glimpse of your good side? Really think about this. It might be a buried motive.

 

Otherwise the best thing you could do for her is just stay away. I know you gave too many details and sending the letter won't take it back.

 

Perhaps just post the letter here or write it and put it away.

 

Any contact at all will be seen as manipulative and harassing as her last message to you clearly stated.

[So happy together]

This is just my opinion, so take it with a grain of salt.

 

It is my opinion that they have made their decision to make their M work. So, any letter would only bring up old wounds. I think you should let it go. Write it, don't send it. Give it to us if you want, but it is just my opinion to leave it be.

 

I know you were hurt, and are maybe, or not, past that... the thing is, it will serve no purpose.

 

You're going to get a lot of posts from BS's and fOW, take it for what it is worth. I really think you should treat this like a regular relationship (which it was) and let it go.

 

Love to you.

[Praying4Peace]

I just want to add that I can see how you feel. He told you off and demonized you- she obviously is demonizing you. You don't get to speak for yourself. You feel like they are both bonding over their hate of you (the common enemy!).

 

But who cares? There are plenty of people in the world to show your goodness to, especially if you've learned and grown from this.

 

Those kind words that you have for her in the letter? Just keep them in your heart. If you keep kind and positive feelings in your heart they will emanate through the rest of your body.

 

Be happy that you can actually get to place where you don't feel mean and nasty towards her.

[who_am_i]

Are you sure you aren't somehow subconsciously writing her this very nice letter to show exMM that you are still a good person even though you outed him? Let him have a glimpse of your good side? Really think about this. It might be a buried motive.

 

I have asked myself this question a thousand times and that is really the majority of the reason I hadn't done it sooner. I am quite certain that at this point that is not the case, but if you would have asked me that a month ago I probably would have said yes and done it already.

 

I've seen it said here before that some women would appreciate an apology.

[who_am_i]

I just want to add that I can see how you feel. He told you off and demonized you- she obviously is demonizing you. You don't get to speak for yourself. You feel like they are both bonding over their hate of you (the common enemy!).

 

I actually never considered this at all...but you're right, the thought of that feels awful.

 

To be honest, I figured she'd read it and most likely never share it with him unless it made her really made. I mean, if I was trying to work things out with my husband the last thing I'd do is rush home and say..."Look at this lovely letter your xAP sent me today. Isn't that so nice." I thought she'd take it for what it was and if anything it would make it clear that I am not hanging out in the background waiting for her to show him the door. More that I respect their decision, am truly sorry and intend to let it go.

 

In all actuality...I don't have a clue what I'm doing. And I appreciate your input.

[whichwayisup]

she sent a message that only said. "Any further contact will be considered harassment."

That was 2 days after d-day and I have not contacted either of them since.

That was about 2 and a half months ago.

 

Leave her alone. She has asked you not to contact her. Respect that.

 

Forgive yourself. Apologizing to her again may help you feel better but it won't make her feel better, it'll piss her off and probably will push her towards anger and resentment. Last thing she needs is you emailing again. Sorry to be blunt.

 

I know you feel bad and wish things were handled differently during Dday. This is why now you just need to forgive yourself and let go completely.

 

Your silence to them shows that you are respecting her (and his) wishes by never seeing/speaking/emailing them again. Honour that.

[whichwayisup]

I have asked myself this question a thousand times and that is really the majority of the reason I hadn't done it sooner. I am quite certain that at this point that is not the case, but if you would have asked me that a month ago I probably would have said yes and done it already.

 

I've seen it said here before that some women would appreciate an apology.

 

Yes, but in your situation, she won't. She's asked you to not contact her. Don't compare what other BS's would do or hope for from their WS's exOW. Can't turn back the clock, so somehow just deal with your mistakes and push on with your life. Meet new friends, keep busy and be good to yourself.

I just don't want to make matters worse...

 

It will make matters worse. Don't do it, you'll regret it as soon as you hit send. Write (hand written) a letter for theraputic reasons only, for yourself, then burn the letter. Do not send anything to her or to him.

[who_am_i]

That apology should have come with the first contact. Now deal with you and only you.

 

Initially it did...in the very first email.

Then my actions proved otherwise.

 

Listen, I'm not trying to make any problems. I have been dealing with me as well. Doing this...at least for me...would be part of that process. And like I said, the last thing I want to do is cause more hurt.

 

Thank you for your opinion.

[Goodbye]

Last week I read a thread that included a letter to the BS. Even before reading it I had been considering sending one of my own. Since then I have written a few and deleted them all out of fear. There are a lot of things I want to say to her, but because I know that I've already caused her so much pain I'm afraid of how she will react. What if she doesn't care what I have to say? What if it just makes her angry? I know that getting to tell her how sorry I am will help me...but I also know that it's not about me anymore.

 

Here's the Cliffs Notes version of my story:

I was seeing xMM for 2 years.

There were a lot of ups and downs the last week or so making us both a bit nuts. He wasn't sure what he wanted and I couldn't handle the back and forth of it all.

Eventually I sent his wife an email letting her in the nicest way I know how (if there is such a thing) that I'd been seeing her husband.

After a few emails back and forth xMM contacted me and forbid me to have any further contact with his wife. He said he hated me and was done with me and it didn't matter what I told her because regardless of how their relationship played out he wanted nothing to do with me again.

The next email I received from her I was...lets just say much less considerate of her feelings with my responses. I never lied to her, but I did answer her questions with maybe a few too many details this time (something I am not proud of).

Following my reply to her last round of questions she sent a message that only said. "Any further contact will be considered harassment."

That was 2 days after d-day and I have not contacted either of them since.

That was about 2 and a half months ago.

 

I'd like to point out...for all those non-believers out there...that hindsight is absolutely 20/20. Given the chance to do it all over again I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have contacted her at all. That was so incredibly selfish. I also know that I was wrong to provide her with too many details to her questions. I threw it in her face on purpose because I was hurting and desperate. It is so important to me to tell her that I know how wrong I was and that I am so very sorry for everything. I just don't want to make matters worse...

 

I guess what I'm hoping for is some advice as to what to say...or better yet, how to say it. Or...whether to even bother saying it at all.

 

 

I wanted to thank you for posting this. I am very bitter and upset with my xMM, and I really do believe he lied to me about "coming clean to his wife." I am upset with being the cast off and I've debated contacting her with the upsetting truths about the affair. But, I've held off...not feeling right about it. Sometimes I pump myself up and almost email her or forward something he emailed me with thoughts of "If I was the wife, I'd want to know the TRUTH, and he is such a master manipulator the truth is hard to come by." I've been on the fence, but your post has made me feel good that I've never pressed that send button. I will leave it alone. What ever happens with them now is their business. All I can do is heal myself.

[So happy together]

I wanted to thank you for posting this. I am very bitter and upset with my xMM, and I really do believe he lied to me about "coming clean to his wife." I am upset with being the cast off and I've debated contacting her with the upsetting truths about the affair. But, I've held off...not feeling right about it. Sometimes I pump myself up and almost email her or forward something he emailed me with thoughts of "If I was the wife, I'd want to know the TRUTH, and he is such a master manipulator the truth is hard to come by." I've been on the fence, but your post has made me feel good that I've never pressed that send button. I will leave it alone. What ever happens with them now is their business. All I can do is heal myself.

 

Loves to Goodbye. It hurts. I'm sorry love.

[KathyM]

You absolutely did the right thing in telling the wife the truth and in apologizing to her in your first Email. You gave her the gift of knowledge about her life and the ability to make informed decisions about her life. That would have only come from you. You can be sure the MM would not have told her. MM are cowards that want to keep the status quo and don't want to lose either woman, unless they get some stroke of conscience which causes them to end it with one or the other. You did the right thing in telling her. Now you need to respect her wishes now and not contact her again.

[who_am_i]

I wanted to thank you for posting this. I am very bitter and upset with my xMM, and I really do believe he lied to me about "coming clean to his wife." I am upset with being the cast off and I've debated contacting her with the upsetting truths about the affair. But, I've held off...not feeling right about it. Sometimes I pump myself up and almost email her or forward something he emailed me with thoughts of "If I was the wife, I'd want to know the TRUTH, and he is such a master manipulator the truth is hard to come by." I've been on the fence, but your post has made me feel good that I've never pressed that send button. I will leave it alone. What ever happens with them now is their business. All I can do is heal myself.

 

 

It was the worst thing I could have ever done!

I know that there are a lot of people here that say it's for the best and that she deserves to know...but the guilt that you will have for being the one who told her (especially if you do it out of anger and desperation) will be haunting. It is something that I can never take back or make better. I've read so many posts here about how hurt and sad the BS is and all I can think about is how I did that to her. I turned her life upside down because I was so selfish. And for what? It served no purpose at all. Most days I think about her more then him. I'm not sure why I think an apology now is going to change anything. I just wish I could take it all back. It is the punishment that I have to accept for everything I've done.

I know that sometimes you think telling her is going to make you feel better...somehow satisfied. But it's not.

Edited April 27, 2013 by who_am_i

[lynn1954]

It was the worst thing I could have ever done!

I know that there are a lot of people here that say it's for the best and that she deserves to know...but the guilt that you will have for being the one who told her (especially if you do it out of anger and desperation) will be haunting. It is something that I can never take back or make better. I've read so many posts here about how hurt and sad the BS is and all I can think about is how I did that to her. I turned her life upside down because I was so selfish. And for what? It served no purpose at all. Most days I think about her more then him. I'm not sure why I think an apology now is going to change anything. I just wish I could take it all back. It is the punishment that I have to accept for everything I've done.

I know that sometimes you think telling her is going to make you feel better...somehow satisfied. But it's not.

 

Yeah. I think all the posts here have led you to answer your own question: what's done is done, and don't write or contact her any more. It's pretty clear that's the right thing to do.

[who_am_i]

Leave her alone. She has asked you not to contact her. Respect that.

 

You're right. She did. After I purposefully gave her some details that I'm sure were not the easiest to read. I'm sure I would have responded the same way. However, something tells me that had I continued to be respectful of her with my answers, she would have continued to feel comfortable asking questions. She just didn't want me to continue being insensitive...and who can blame her!

[KathyM]

It was the worst thing I could have ever done!

The worst thing you could have ever done is to have an affair with her husband. The best thing you could do to make amends is to have told her the truth and apologized. And you did that. Now let it go. Keeping the wife in the dark forever and robbing her of the chance to have a life with someone she can trust and robbing her of the truth is also the worst thing you could have done, or the second worst after having the affair in the first place. Coming clean is always the right thing to do. It gives people back their life and their choices.

 

I know that there are a lot of people here that say it's for the best and that she deserves to know...but the guilt that you will have for being the one who told her (especially if you do it out of anger and desperation) will be haunting. It is something that I can never take back or make better. I've read so many posts here about how hurt and sad the BS is and all I can think about is how I did that to her. I turned her life upside down because I was so selfish. And for what? It served no purpose at all.

The selfish thing was having the affair. The unselfish thing was apologizing for it and giving her the truth about her life.

Most days I think about her more then him. I'm not sure why I think an apology now is going to change anything. I just wish I could take it all back. It is the punishment that I have to accept for everything I've done.

You've already apologized. Now let it go.

I know that sometimes you think telling her is going to make you feel better...somehow satisfied. But it's not.

Doing the right thing (being honest and apologizing) usually makes a person feel better in the long run. Apologizing to a person for the harm you've caused usually makes one feel better. Ignorance is not bliss. Ignorance about what is happening in your marriage prevents the BS from having a real marriage. It takes away her choices. It prevents her from working on her marriage, it prevents her from knowing what the true problem is in her marriage, and prevents her from having the choice of leaving or staying in the marriage, which should rightfully be her choice. By keeping her in the dark, her choices are taken away from her. That is not an act of kindness to keep her in the dark.

[MissBee]

I think you know it's more about soothing yourself than it is about her.

 

I am not her, but I feel like you've done enough. I don't mean that in a mean way. You already told her what she needed to know from you and I think at this point, what's the point of further emails? What else is there to say on your part that will help HER? She also told you explicitly that further contact from you will be considered harassment. Why ignore that? I'd honor that and leave them to it personally.

 

You can write the email and not send it, to help you process and forgive yourself, but I would really not insist on sending it esp if the person in question told you they wanted no more contact with you. It most likely won't read well, even if you're sincere. I know the feeling of thinking one more email/one more call/one more text/one more explanation will free you...but often times it doesn't and esp if you get ignored or responded to negatively, it can make you feel even worse.

[Goodbye]

I think you know it's more about soothing yourself than it is about her.

 

I am not her, but I feel like you've done enough. I don't mean that in a mean way. You already told her what she needed to know from you and I think at this point, what's the point of further emails? What else is there to say on your part that will help HER? She also told you explicitly that further contact from you will be considered harassment. Why ignore that? I'd honor that and leave them to it personally.

 

You can write the email and not send it, to help you process and forgive yourself, but I would really not insist on sending it esp if the person in question told you they wanted no more contact with you. It most likely won't read well, even if you're sincere. I know the feeling of thinking one more email/one more call/one more text/one more explanation will free you...but often times it doesn't and esp if you get ignored or responded to negatively, it can make you feel even worse.

 

So true!!! That falsehood that "One more text/email/call/letter will set me free of this grief and somehow I will move on..." I suffer from this faulty notion. I seriously need to get a life coach to move into my home with me and keep me away from all electronics and stamps when I'm weak. Sometimes we need to accept that it has all been said.

[So happy together]

Miss Bee has it spot on.

[Athens]

Leave them alone. As a BS, I can tell you an apology is not needed. Honoring your word or agreement, if you had one, is all I need. My husbands OW contacts here and there with her apologies, etc...and it's an unwanted intrusion in our lives. Nothing will change the past and it feels like she just wants to some how be relevant to us, remain part of who we are in any way possible. This may sound harsh, but most reconciling couples just want to be left alone to heal between the two of them. The AP is no longer relevant, they are a situation best left in the past. As always, my advice to all is take care of you and do for you, but with the caveat that you do not include your former AP or BS. The triangulated relationship is done, now it's just the two of them.

[underwater2010]

BW here....you did your job. You informed her and gave her details. Now you need to leave her alone. If she wants/needs anything else....she will contact you. Anything more is just cruel to her.

 

Thank you for coming clean to her!!!

[who_am_i]

The worst thing you could have ever done is to have an affair with her husband. The best thing you could do to make amends is to have told her the truth and apologized. And you did that. Now let it go. Keeping the wife in the dark forever and robbing her of the chance to have a life with someone she can trust and robbing her of the truth is also the worst thing you could have done, or the second worst after having the affair in the first place. Coming clean is always the right thing to do. It gives people back their life and their choices.

 

The selfish thing was having the affair. The unselfish thing was apologizing for it and giving her the truth about her life.

 

You've already apologized. Now let it go.

 

Doing the right thing (being honest and apologizing) usually makes a person feel better in the long run. Apologizing to a person for the harm you've caused usually makes one feel better. Ignorance is not bliss. Ignorance about what is happening in your marriage prevents the BS from having a real marriage. It takes away her choices. It prevents her from working on her marriage, it prevents her from knowing what the true problem is in her marriage, and prevents her from having the choice of leaving or staying in the marriage, which should rightfully be her choice. By keeping her in the dark, her choices are taken away from her. That is not an act of kindness to keep her in the dark.

 

OK...lets make one thing crystal clear for all those who may still be under the assumption that I am not aware that having and affair with a married man was not quite possibly the worst thing I could ever do...I know it was. I've said countless times how I feel awful about it. It is not necessary to remind me of that...not once, but twice. It's well covered territory, KathyM.

 

I'd like to remind you also that this is not a thread about telling the BS. That topic has been beaten to death around here and my conclusion is that it is a very personal decision that one needs to make on their own after a lot of soul searching and never in haste...just like the decision to reconcile. Everyone has different affairs and everyone has different marriages. My response to Goodbye was my opinion and my thoughts and feelings on my very unique situation. She stated that my personal experiences made an impression on her...and my reply was a directed to her as such.

 

Now I appreciate that you think I should not contact her again. I imagine that your thoughts and feelings on this comes from a possible unique experience that has lead you to think this way...and I, in turn, will respect that.

 

I struggle a great deal with the pain I have caused. If there is anything that I can do to even ease some of that pain for her I am more then willing to entertain the idea. It's frustrating that I (as well as many others) am obviously trying so hard to do whats right and there are still some people who want to sneak in the back door and remind me that if I hadn't been with a married man I wouldn't have any of these problems. NO KIDDING! You don't think I know that? But there's no time machine. So now I have to do what I can on this side of the sh*t storm I caused. THIS is the topic of this thread and I am all ears to those with helpful and constructive comments.

[underwater2010]

OK...lets make one thing crystal clear for all those who may still be under the assumption that I am not aware that having and affair with a married man was not quite possibly the worst thing I could ever do...I know it was. I've said countless times how I feel awful about it. It is not necessary to remind me of that...not once, but twice. It's well covered territory, KathyM.

 

I'd like to remind you also that this is not a thread about telling the BS. That topic has been beaten to death around here and my conclusion is that it is a very personal decision that one needs to make on their own after a lot of soul searching and never in haste...just like the decision to reconcile. Everyone has different affairs and everyone has different marriages. My response to Goodbye was my opinion and my thoughts and feelings on my very unique situation. She stated that my personal experiences made an impression on her...and my reply was a directed to her as such.

 

Now I appreciate that you think I should not contact her again. I imagine that your thoughts and feelings on this comes from a possible unique experience that has lead you to think this way...and I, in turn, will respect that.

 

I struggle a great deal with the pain I have caused. If there is anything that I can do to even ease some of that pain for her I am more then willing to entertain the idea. It's frustrating that I (as well as many others) am obviously trying so hard to do whats right and there are still some people who want to sneak in the back door and remind me that if I hadn't been with a married man I wouldn't have any of these problems. NO KIDDING! You don't think I know that? But there's no time machine. So now I have to do what I can on this side of the sh*t storm I caused. THIS is the topic of this thread and I am all ears to those with helpful and constructive comments.

Please let go of your guilt toward the BW. You gave her the information and apologized. Her pain has be alleviated by her WS now. The only thing that I can add is that I hope you would never do this to another woman. Consider it a lesson learned and try to figure out what lead you down the path to begin with. Focus on healing yourself.

 

Good Luck!!!! And keep up the hard work.

[Praying4Peace]

who_am_I

 

FWIW I think your heart is in the right place.

 

I feel like your real pain is in the fact that you 'told on him' and can't forgive yourself for that 'betrayal'. Am I right? If so, think of it this way: You showed him that you have self respect and weren't scared of outing him and pissing him off and losing him.

 

Are you seeing a therapist of any sort? I think it'll help you sort out all your feelings.

[canuckprincess]

I haven't read all the responses to this thread but the ones I have read say not to contact the bs anymore and I get that since the affair has ended and she already knows he's a cheater. Now I'm curious if those same posters would say not to contact the bs if the affair didn't end after dday? So question is expose underground affair or not? This is simply a hypothetical scenario.