MissWhyte Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 My bf and I have been together 4 years I was in an abusive relationship for several years prior and lived with that man for 7 years. After I finally got away I said I didn't want to live with another man until we were married. 2 years into our relationship my bf said he would not marry me until we lived together another 2 years of living together renting a place and we had decided to buy a home when things have completely blew up. We had an agreement worked out in case something would go wrong and we would separate about how to handle the housing situation. Since the down payment for the house is money he received from grandparents upon us splitting we would sell the house with him receiving his down payment back and splitting the rest I the profit. We saw this as fair since he would be paying the mortgage and I would pay the rest of the bills. We found the perfect house, his parents had to approve first so yet came looked and loved it. However several days after his parents left town he told me that they said the house would go in their name never be sold under those circumstances and I should expect and deserved nothing because all I was only paying the bills getting to live their rent free. We have not viewed this situation this way we have talked of marriage and are planning on having children in the next couple of years. Since he did not stand up for me and because of the way his parents view our relationship and living situation I decided to move back in with my parents I'm in the process of moving now and have been sleeping on the couch at our rental. He says this will only change our relationship for the worst am I wrong to take a stand and leave because I view this as disrespect? I also have to add that without my income an paying the bills he would not be able to afford this house.
ja123 Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 I think that you're doing the right thing. Once upon a time, I was with a guy and I paid bills and he paid for the car and when we split, he took the asset and I got nothing. Money is important. Always make sure you're getting a fair deal. The house should be in both your names, and not the parents. Why do the parents think it should be in their names? The downpayment is coming from the grandmother and not the parents. What do the parents have to do with it? Are they paying, too? And you're right, they don't view your relationship as serious. They see you and your bf as irresponsible children. Do you act like irresponsible children? You are right to feel disrespected. You are also right to feel disappointed that your bf didn't defend you to his parents. How old is this guy? There is an author of many financial books: Suze Orman. She suggests that a couple both agree to pull their own weight (e.g. if one loses a job, then the other will support the two but with the understanding that one will not just laze around but proactively get employment a.s.a.p.). She suggests that both salaries go immediately into a joint account, from there all common expenses are deducted (e.g. mortgage, bills, food, etc.), then the remainder will then be equally split 50-50 into individual accounts for individual use. I think this isn't a bad approach. It kinda stops the finger-pointing, and the what's yours and what's mine attitude, and arguments. It's worth consideration.
Yookie Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 After 4 years with no proposal of marriage and your boyfriend pulling this stunt with the house, I would say that moving out is a good move on your part. He's not following through with making a commitment to you nor is he keeping his word about your plans to share the house as an asset for the both of you. He has lost all credibility and should not be trusted. 2
Noproblem Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 I'm just sad to see a woman like you who I'm sure good and nice Always accepts other men's terms Like, you of all people should understand! You were in an abusive relationships before, so you don't owe any man any thing, they should do things for you, not the other way around .. Marrying you should be something he aspires and works for, not something you want but he claims that unless you do his conditions, he won't consider it! Start considering yourself something important, and people specially guys will start treating you like the important woman you are ...You deserve to be important. 1
TigerCub Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 I think the parents are trying to protect their son. Think about it - he would be paying maybe around ~2000 a month for a mortgage and you would be paying about a ~500 monthly on bills. then if you guys split up, you get 1/2- that doesn't seem fair tbh. BUT, having said that - I think you are doing the right thing by choosing not to move in with him at that place, because now that this lil fiasco has happened, I don't see how you would feel at home in that house, knowing that he and his parents don't see you as an equal partner. You'll always feel like a guest, even if you are paying the bills. Good for you for standing up to yourself. I can see how you feel disrespected and hurt, but I kind of do see why the parents are trying to look out for their son. Why didn't you guys choose to split all the payments in half in the first place?
LovelyLife Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Yep - it's only money . . . But it matters. And the parentals and money issues aside - Can you see the manipulation there? The "you are making the relationship worse" nonsense? He's a manipulative bully. I was in a long term live in situation (6 years) and post that said - never again. Only if I HAD to (marriage). Stick to your guns. You have the gift of seeing how things can end when you have lived with someone. You have that first hand experience. In ths case - you would be moving into the home of someone who is manipulative and sly and has his parents in his corner to freeze you out. I say - if you are good enough to live with - you are good enough to marry. Should you break and move in with him - check with an attorney for a co-habitation agreement and/or rental agreement. This way you have rights as a tenant and his mummy and daddy can't throw you out on a whim. 1
Author MissWhyte Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 Thank you for your responses I should have also been clear about the payments the mortgage would actually only be about 550 and that would include insurance so the bills and mortgage would almost equal out, which is the only reason I would even ask for half. This has been the only bad aspect of our entire relationship. But I believe moving in with my parents is really the best choice I didn't think I was being unfair in request half minus the down payment if things didn't work out in the future but I also wanted others opinions to see if I was the one being unfair. I don't think my moving out will change his views so this is the beginning of the end I suppose, it seems very bitter sweet even with the stress of the situation.
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