Could I be more of a tool?

[FrustratedGuy91]

This is a bit of a rant, so yeah... please bear with me.

 

Went out with this girl which I thought I had a FWB (she actually told me I was her FWB) thing going on. Turns out people here warned me I was "being taken for a ride". Anyway, today we agreed that we'd be going to watch the new Iron Man movie and then do something fun (last time we went out we pretty much agreed we were going to have sex next time). Anyway, we went to a bar, then watched the movie, then went to a gay-sort-of night club (She's bi-sexual) and she had been wanting to go for a while. So I agreed to go, everything was going smooth so far, then she saw someone she knew and pretty much left me there to go make out with her. After that (I was pretty pissed but played it cool) we got out of the club for a smoke, then she saw another girl she knew and went across the street and talked to her. When she came back she told me "I'm too drunk, please take me home".

 

So, yeah.... How much more of a tool can I be?

 

Also she wanted to invite one of her **** buddies to the movie. Like she told me "You mind if "X" comes too? he'll probable say no" I know this is my fault, but why would someone do that to me? Like seriously, I did not expect this from her.

 

EDIT: I'm also thinking "Go die in a fire" as the appropriate response to anything she ever says to me again, ever.

Edited April 27, 2013 by FrustratedGuy91

[outsidethebox]

Thanks for confirming everyone's opinion here, we'll let you know when we need you again.

 

Look at this way. You got to go to a gay club that you wouldn't go to alone. Chalk it up to an experience and move on.

 

And don't consider someone an FWB until you get the B.

[Treasa]

I don't get why you're a tool. Ok, you could have said no to the gay club thing. I would have told her that sh's an adult and she can figure her own way home, and maybe given her the number of a taxi service.

 

It sounds like you have feelings for her, and that isn't what a FWB situation is meant to be.

 

Assuming you are still getting sex, it sounds like she's playing by the rules. You guys have sex, but you're only friends.

 

If you aren't getting the sex, you're only friends.

 

Either way, you need to lose the emotions, or cut off the friendship, because it doesn't sound like she's as emotionally invested in you.

[Mumbles]

Bah!

 

Relationships of this type, actually, of any type, are about both people getting what they want and need.

 

Reading between the lines of your post I'm seeing myself in there years ago. the nights preparations begin by you essentially wanting sex with your bi friend. You're prepared to 'go the distance' with the movie, bar, club, whatever, but the focus of the evening from your perspective is about getting laid.

 

Thats fine in my book.

 

_Her_ focus on the other hand appears to have been otherwise. She wanted a nice guy on her arm and to get out and socialise.

 

Thats fine too.

 

Looking back in hindsight, which is always easy to do, I'd suggest having sex with her first, then go out. You obviously like her physically, and if she's up for a romp too, well, have her come over, mess up her hair and makeup a bit in the bedroom, then go clubbing ... why not? You'll both almost certainly have a much better time as you'll both get what you _really_ want.

 

I wouldn't dis' her completely at this point. I'd go for the sex, push her on it ... after all, she's already told you she sees you as the FWB. If that goes nowhere then let her go. I bet it won't though.

 

Personally, I hate having sex in the middle of the small hours of the morning, all boozed up and stinking of sweat and cigarettes. I much _much_ prefer going at it hammer and tongs much earlier, even midday timeframe, then clean up and bask in the afterglow by pubbing or clubbing later on. She can kiss anyone she likes in my books ... I've already _had_ her, so do your worst buddy (directed at whomever she's kissing).

[pcplod]

Just because you learn something useful about how some people operate through practical experience doesn't make you a tool. Your perception is that you have been used and have thus been humiliated. You may well have been used, consciously or unconsciously, by her, but the humiliation is first-mostly in your own mind. You can counter this by quite simply metaphorically shrugging your shoulders and telling yourself "Oh, well, now I know, before I didn't".

 

You could have listened to what other warned you about her, but sometimes you just have to affirm it for yourself and if anyone who warned you smugly tells you that they warned you, they are really no better than her. Sure you should be able to discuss it maturely between you in the context of "life's lessons" but no-one should seek vindication or satisfaction from you learning the lesson first hand rather than having accepted their wisdom second-hand. You are humble enough aren't you to be able to admit to those who warned you that "Yeah you were right, but I was compelled just to find out for myself"?

 

You won't have been the first and certainly won't be the last to experience her discourtesy. She clearly lacks self-awareness, control and maturity. Hardly anything new in that revelation.

Edited April 27, 2013 by pcplod

[FrustratedGuy91]

What I really don't get is why she would literally tell me that we are FWB. And to clarify, I think she wasn't "playing by the rules" if you are in that sort of thing with someone, it's okay to have other sexual partners, but I would see them another day and not right there when someone else is present. At least that's what I'd do...

 

Also leaving her there when I picked her up didn't seem right, that's why I took her home. And she did apologize all the way back (while taking a nap in the back seat) to which I obviously answered "Don't worry" (What else could I tell her in that state?)

 

And now she texts me like nothing ever happened...

[GB25]

i would hang out with her once more..and if i didnt bang her id be done talking to her..f her

[FrustratedGuy91]

I never said she owed me anything. But I think out of common courtesy if you're with someone, regardless if it's your FWB or just a friend. You just don't ditch'em in the middle of the club to go make out with a stranger.

[outsidethebox]

You're an emasculated escort. Need to grow a pair and cut your losses.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

I never said she owed me anything. But I think out of common courtesy if you're with someone, regardless if it's your FWB or just a friend. You just don't ditch'em in the middle of the club to go make out with a stranger.

 

This is "common" courtesy for our generation: no courtesy.

[FrustratedGuy91]

This is "common" courtesy for our generation: no courtesy.

 

Indeed... So sad...

[CptSaveAho]

no the sad part is she told you straight up that you were FWB

 

you cant be more open and honest with that, you didnt cut your losses when you wanted more and are now frustrated that reality is kicking in and blaming her for your inability to walk away

 

and nope, you couldnt have been more of a tool

[CC12]

And to clarify, I think she wasn't "playing by the rules" if you are in that sort of thing with someone, it's okay to have other sexual partners, but I would see them another day and not right there when someone else is present. At least that's what I'd do...

 

Well, she didn't do what you'd do. And you got upset about it. FWB isn't going to work for you. Move along.

[FrustratedGuy91]

What people do not seem to understand here is that I haven't seen any "benefits" from this aside from sleeping together once, way more than a year ago and before we were even friends. Then it didn't get past some drunk make outs. I'd be fine with a normal FWB thing.

 

What I find irritating is the fact that she would lack self control to the point of ditching me there to go make out with a stranger. I mean, I'm completely fine with her having other sexual partners, as I have. I just find it extremely distasteful that she'd go with someone else while in my company. I felt used and disrespected.

[Mumbles]

What people do not seem to understand here is that I haven't seen any "benefits" from this aside from sleeping together once, way more than a year ago and before we were even friends.

 

Ahh. I didn't know that. I don't think you mentioned that in your OP.

 

Sounds like you are a FWOB .... Friend _WithOut_ Benefits hehehe.

 

Seriously though. If you are right, and she actually refers to you as an FWB, well, go gets yours brother Friendships are not one sided. Have you two actually spoken much about the 'benefits'? She might simply be after a wingman and you know, thats cool, I'd run with it myself ... so long as I was getting mine in the FWB department.

 

 

What I find irritating is the fact that she would lack self control to the point of ditching me there to go make out with a stranger. I mean, I'm completely fine with her having other sexual partners, as I have. I just find it extremely distasteful that she'd go with someone else while in my company. I felt used and disrespected.

 

She's bi dude. A lot of bi and gay people run a parallel universe when it comes to such matters ... don't get confused or think she's dissing you because I'm not at all sure thats the case. You've got an opportunity here I reckon to really "walk on the wild side" if thats your thing. I'd be completely up for this.

 

But if your focus is sex with this woman then have that talk, when its appropriate to do so. As I suggested earlier, see if she'd be up for a romp before you go out, you'll have a ball, and meet lots of really interesting people in her company, believe me.

 

However, and this is a biggy, are you sure you're fine with being the FWB? You sure you're not after more than this? I had an FWB for a while. She dated other men and I lead a completely outrageous personal life ... things were great, better than great, if she wanted to hook up with a guy when I was in a club with her I couldn't give a rats ass ... I was happy to be her wingman in these situations, I was getting mine, she was getting hers .. its all good bro. However, it ended because ultimately she wanted a boyfriend and she wanted that boyfriend to be me ... so be sure you're not in that situation.

[FrustratedGuy91]

Ahh. I didn't know that. I don't think you mentioned that in your OP.

 

Sounds like you are a FWOB .... Friend _WithOut_ Benefits hehehe.

 

Seriously though. If you are right, and she actually refers to you as an FWB, well, go gets yours brother Friendships are not one sided. Have you two actually spoken much about the 'benefits'? She might simply be after a wingman and you know, thats cool, I'd run with it myself ... so long as I was getting mine in the FWB department.

 

 

 

 

She's bi dude. A lot of bi and gay people run a parallel universe when it comes to such matters ... don't get confused or think she's dissing you because I'm not at all sure thats the case. You've got an opportunity here I reckon to really "walk on the wild side" if thats your thing. I'd be completely up for this.

 

But if your focus is sex with this woman then have that talk, when its appropriate to do so. As I suggested earlier, see if she'd be up for a romp before you go out, you'll have a ball, and meet lots of really interesting people in her company, believe me.

 

However, and this is a biggy, are you sure you're fine with being the FWB? You sure you're not after more than this? I had an FWB for a while. She dated other men and I lead a completely outrageous personal life ... things were great, better than great, if she wanted to hook up with a guy when I was in a club with her I couldn't give a rats ass ... I was happy to be her wingman in these situations, I was getting mine, she was getting hers .. its all good bro. However, it ended because ultimately she wanted a boyfriend and she wanted that boyfriend to be me ... so be sure you're not in that situation.

 

I guess I could look aside to the fact that she did that to me... and see if I can get my "benefits" if not, she can go to hell. I just don't like being used, that's all.

[Mumbles]

I guess I could look aside to the fact that she did that to me... and see if I can get my "benefits" if not, she can go to hell. I just don't like being used, that's all.

 

Agree.

 

Both people have to be getting what they want and need from any relationship. FWB, the nature of it, is sex and company without long term commitment. If there is no sex then you're just friends ... or maybe not even that if there is no mutual benefit in other ways.

 

If you are not personally getting anything you want from this relationship then yep, I'd be moving on. Give it a last try though. I've had an outrageously good time in the past with bi or gay friends - if they are fully immersed in their community the connection to your friend can lead to all kinds of fun and experiences (and no, I'm not gay or bi and don't engage in _those_ experiences).

[FrustratedGuy91]

Agree.

 

Both people have to be getting what they want and need from any relationship. FWB, the nature of it, is sex and company without long term commitment. If there is no sex then you're just friends ... or maybe not even that if there is no mutual benefit in other ways.

 

If you are not personally getting anything you want from this relationship then yep, I'd be moving on. Give it a last try though. I've had an outrageously good time in the past with bi or gay friends - if they are fully immersed in their community the connection to your friend can lead to all kinds of fun and experiences (and no, I'm not gay or bi and don't engage in _those_ experiences).

 

No, she just recently built up the courage to "try" so, that is a no-go sadly. Anyway, I'll give her one last chance. Thank you all for the advice.

[Estate]

This is a bit of a rant, so yeah... please bear with me.

 

Went out with this girl which I thought I had a FWB (she actually told me I was her FWB) thing going on. Turns out people here warned me I was "being taken for a ride". Anyway, today we agreed that we'd be going to watch the new Iron Man movie and then do something fun (last time we went out we pretty much agreed we were going to have sex next time). Anyway, we went to a bar, then watched the movie, then went to a gay-sort-of night club (She's bi-sexual) and she had been wanting to go for a while. So I agreed to go, everything was going smooth so far, then she saw someone she knew and pretty much left me there to go make out with her. After that (I was pretty pissed but played it cool) we got out of the club for a smoke, then she saw another girl she knew and went across the street and talked to her. When she came back she told me "I'm too drunk, please take me home".

 

So, yeah.... How much more of a tool can I be?

 

Also she wanted to invite one of her **** buddies to the movie. Like she told me "You mind if "X" comes too? he'll probable say no" I know this is my fault, but why would someone do that to me? Like seriously, I did not expect this from her.

 

EDIT: I'm also thinking "Go die in a fire" as the appropriate response to anything she ever says to me again, ever.

 

Hate to say "I told you so", but.....

 

She knows you're a pushover. She can do what she wants and judging by your posts she knows you'll still stick around and she can have you when she wants then bail when she doesn't.

 

Most other men what have given her the ultimatum we told you, then walked away.

[Mumbles]

Hate to say "I told you so", but.....

 

She knows you're a pushover. She can do what she wants and judging by your posts she knows you'll still stick around and she can have you when she wants then bail when she doesn't.

 

Most other men what have given her the ultimatum we told you, then walked away.

 

I would agree with you 1000% if this were the 'normal' entry into a BF/GF relationship. But this case is different, as are most true FWB relationships I think.

 

People easily get confused in FWB situations - I have previously, its very easy. You like your 'friend' and if you're not careful you start acting and treating her like the girlfriend with a heap of expectation that goes with that.

 

The fact is, FWB's, on both sides of the coupling, are looking (probably) for Mr or Mrs Right ... as least in a casual way, or at the very least have embraced a promiscuous lifestyle. To find that person involves dating and probably sex outside of the FWB thing ... if not, then what is the real nature of the "FWB"? Monogamous sex with a great friend and _not_ looking for others?

 

Personally, I'm happy to play wingman for male and female friends and have done both in the past. Having a buddy to go on activities with is always fun. So long as there is no sexual tension and its really just friends, well, easy scenario.

 

But FWB has a specific meaning, in my head at least, and part of that is having casual sex with one another but not being exclusive. I don't have a 'right' over my FWB. If she meets a sexy guy in a club and essentially ditches me ... well, more power to her. I'm in the club doing the same thing anyway, so what the? Once you take away the absolute _need_ to have sex with this one woman constantly you can relax a lot and really enjoy the true nature of such a relationship. Maybe you had sex with her before you went clubbing .. maybe you will _after_ the club adventure ... maybe you won't....but you almost certainly _will_ at some time in any given week, so its cool, stay slinky

[Mumbles]

Her announcement that you guys are "FWB's" was her way of letting you know, right off the bat, that she has no romantic/love interest in you.

 

Yes I agree.

 

Her only interest is being buddies because she doesn't even seem to have much of a physical interest in you, either. If she did, she wouldn't have spent the night chasing after everyone ELSE.

 

I don't agree with this. I think this last bit goes against the first bit.

 

A good FWB will find you interesting physically, but for whatever reason, emotionally, you don't find each other compatible.

 

You could look at your FWB as "sex of last resort" if you like, but I reckon the dynamic is usually different to this simple statement. Nevertheless, if you can't deal with your FWB having sex with other men (or women) then its the wrong style of relationship for you - for sure.

[Estate]

I would agree with you 1000% if this were the 'normal' entry into a BF/GF relationship. But this case is different, as are most true FWB relationships I think.

 

People easily get confused in FWB situations - I have previously, its very easy. You like your 'friend' and if you're not careful you start acting and treating her like the girlfriend with a heap of expectation that goes with that.

 

The fact is, FWB's, on both sides of the coupling, are looking (probably) for Mr or Mrs Right ... as least in a casual way, or at the very least have embraced a promiscuous lifestyle. To find that person involves dating and probably sex outside of the FWB thing ... if not, then what is the real nature of the "FWB"? Monogamous sex with a great friend and _not_ looking for others?

 

Personally, I'm happy to play wingman for male and female friends and have done both in the past. Having a buddy to go on activities with is always fun. So long as there is no sexual tension and its really just friends, well, easy scenario.

 

But FWB has a specific meaning, in my head at least, and part of that is having casual sex with one another but not being exclusive. I don't have a 'right' over my FWB. If she meets a sexy guy in a club and essentially ditches me ... well, more power to her. I'm in the club doing the same thing anyway, so what the? Once you take away the absolute _need_ to have sex with this one woman constantly you can relax a lot and really enjoy the true nature of such a relationship. Maybe you had sex with her before you went clubbing .. maybe you will _after_ the club adventure ... maybe you won't....but you almost certainly _will_ at some time in any given week, so its cool, stay slinky

 

Have a look what I wrote in the OPs previous thread on this.

There's no grey area here... she wanted to use him and he has let her.

 

There was only one way to solve this and it was being direct with her before she walked all over him. Done now.