Minneloa Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 (edited) Uhmmm " in the words of the young ladies own father to me. These conferences are like Vegas. What happens here stays here." In other words that kind of trip is known for debauchery. But, iirc, it was a group trip. Why would this guy necessarily assume she hooked up with you in particular? More to the point, Mr. L., I am concerned that you are setting yourself up for a big disappointment here. From your posts, you seem much more than casually interested in M. (mention of future in-laws, references to chaos theory, etc.). Meanwhile, she is kissing another man in front of you. This sets off my alarm bells big time, and makes me question her intentions and motives. As you imply in your references to a "dangerous game," she seems to be toying with your affections and/or enjoying all the attention and potential for drama. To me, that's a strong indicator that your and her feelings might be dangerously unequal. You didn't specifically ask for advice about what to do, so I will ask a question instead: intellectual understanding of multi-dating aside, how did you feel when she was hanging all over him in front of you? Edited April 27, 2013 by Minneloa
Author Mrlonelyone Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 You didn't specifically ask for advice about what to do, so I will ask a question instead: intellectual understanding of multi-dating aside, how did you feel when she was hanging all over him in front of you? I thought. "Poor sap. half the people in this room know I ****ed that woman real nasty." "She looks back at me with a smile that is almost a laugh at his expense." In short I felt way better than I would have if I had not a pretty good casual relationship with her myself. Had we not just spent almost a week together I may have felt different. As it was, no promises made, no feelings are to be hurt. Minneola and others. What would you have me do? Walk away from this and hold out for some Disneyfied perfect scenario where they are totally free and without baggage. They are fully ready to fall head over heels for me without any complications of race, class, gender, sexuality, religion or social dynamic. That we will get married in two weeks and live happily ever after? Sorry that dose not happen. The deluded ones are those who hold out for perfect. M is good enough for me. She is a young woman having her fun as I have had mine. Were she to ultimately choose me she would have to tolerate my past. In exchange I grant her freedom (which is not mine to take away) in the present. I am not in a rush to get committed.
xxoo Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 I'd have you talk to her, instead of posting here. That's all. 6 months is long enough to at least discuss "how do we feel about each other". It's also much more than long enough to discuss exclusivity. Exclusivity is different from commitment. Do you get off on knowing that you have something over this other guy? And why would all those people know that you slept with her?
Minneloa Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 What would I have you do? Well, for starters, I'd have you consider that there is *a lot* of middle ground between Disney BS and the situation you are currently in. I have more to say, but right now I'm going out to dinner with my boyfriend, who is not Prince Charming but whom I like a lot nonetheless.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 What would I have you do? Well, for starters, I'd have you consider that there is *a lot* of middle ground between Disney BS and the situation you are currently in. I have more to say, but right now I'm going out to dinner with my boyfriend, who is not Prince Charming but whom I like a lot nonetheless. I sincerely hope you have a good time. I know how valueable it is to find someone who really truly cares for and loves you and only you. Please don't heap judgements down upon those of us for whom it does not work out that way, at least not simply or easily. We judge ourselves harshly enough...then just stop caring. I'd have you talk to her, instead of posting here. That's all. 6 months is long enough to at least discuss "how do we feel about each other". Were I dealing with someone my age, early 30's, instead of someone who is early 20's I would agree. Remember how when you are that age it feels like you have a million years to do everything? If I were to have such a discussion I already know what she would say. She's not looking to be exclusive and committed to anyone. We discussed married life in the abstract sense once. What scares her is the idea of never having sex with anyone else ever again. What scares me is having children. That tells you where her head is at. That she agree'd to meet my family and told her family so much about me before we finally met... sends a signal to me that she likes me to a certain degree. Do you get off on knowing that you have something over this other guy? And why would all those people know that you slept with her? No. Not really. However it does place their smooches in context. Let me derail this thread of mine for a minute. It's also much more than long enough to discuss exclusivity. Exclusivity is different from commitment. WHAT? If one decides to be exclusive then it is making a promise to not have sex with anyone else. If one makes a promise then they are committing to keeping that promise. exclusivity = promise promise = commitment. Therefore exclusivity = commitment QED. Exclusivity may not mean forever but it most certainly is a commitment. Not everyone is hungry for commitment.
xxoo Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Exclusivity just means you aren't dating other people. Many people establish exclusivity before sex. Commitment is: I see a future with you, I want to marry you, proposing marriage, moving in together. Different. As for how I felt in my early 20s: I got married! I realize that isn't the norm, but surely she is old enough to be straight with you about whether this is a fling or not.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 (edited) Exclusivity just means you aren't dating other people. Many people establish exclusivity before sex. Commitment is: I see a future with you, I want to marry you, proposing marriage, moving in together. Different. As for how I felt in my early 20s: I got married! I realize that isn't the norm, but surely she is old enough to be straight with you about whether this is a fling or not. Many many more people don't. Especially in the college age scene in this city of colleges and universities we live in. Not everyone wants to be tied down. I'm not going to try to tie her down. Anyone who does that just ends up making her run away. When / if she wants that she will ask for it. What's more is TBH I don't want to be tied down either. For all I know I could be graduated and looking for work in another part of the country. It would be very wrong for me to be making commitments and such right now. Edited to add: While I say that, If she were of a mind to get married in the near future. Then the whole issue of weather to stay and be with her, or for her to move with me would be a real option. However with such uncertainty it would be a foolish move on both our parts to talk about greater commitments. Edited April 28, 2013 by Mrlonelyone
Minneloa Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Mr. L, I sincerely apologize if you felt judged by my comments. That was the opposite of my intention. Even the (poorly executed, I see now) Prince Charming comment was meant as a shot against Disney, not you. My comments up to this point have been offered sympathetically, and I regret if that hasn't come across. Simply put, I hate to see you wait around for M. if she is just going to trifle with you. Perhaps I have underestimated the challenges of your dating life. I certainly don't have any easy answers (aforementioned boyfriend is the first after a dry spell so long I am loathe to specify it). Sending good thoughts, M.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 Mr. L, I sincerely apologize if you felt judged by my comments. That was the opposite of my intention. Even the (poorly executed, I see now) Prince Charming comment was meant as a shot against Disney, not you. My comments up to this point have been offered sympathetically, and I regret if that hasn't come across. Simply put, I hate to see you wait around for M. if she is just going to trifle with you. Perhaps I have underestimated the challenges of your dating life. I certainly don't have any easy answers (aforementioned boyfriend is the first after a dry spell so long I am loathe to specify it). Sending good thoughts, M. Thanks. Think nothing of it. At the time I realized that you probably were assuming that we are people in a position where we both want ever after with someone. Perhaps you thought that I was some person annoying a happy couple etc. I realised up thread that what we were in was just a really casual situation. Given the flux our lives are in it probably has to stay that way.
Recommended Posts