Mrlonelyone Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 This question relates to someone I have written about elsewhere as M. M and I have been carrying on a non serious relationship for six months. M has been with another for seven or eight months, six of those in what some could call an EA or A with me. This situation is so complex. On one hand on Facebook she is in pictures with him. Yet no rlship status, nor the so common couple profile pic on her profile. On the other I have made the trip to her home town with her, met her family, got her to agree to meet mine soon, and had relations with her. Her sisters did meet him on a trip here. To make it more complex it seems I know way more of him than he knows of us. The bf hasn't a clue or does not care. In summary M and her other guy aren't anymore official than M and I. They are more Facebook, we are more face to face with friends and family. They are more campus, we are more everywhere else. My questions are: Is my situation even worthy of the affair concept or is it just the usual pre commitment mating dance? Does the fact she met someone else two months before me really make that much of a difference. Since he knows little of me but I know all about him how bad could if be when/ if she chooses me over him?
Author Mrlonelyone Posted April 27, 2013 Author Posted April 27, 2013 I suppose the silence points me to my answer. This is just a part of the game. No one is married or engaged or really even serious....so no real harm.
sweetkiwi Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 It's sad you think there's no harm involved. If I were dating you for six months you'd be my SO already. This girl is playing the other guy and fhucking with you big time. Why would you allow that?? You are saying her behavior is acceptable. That it's okay to do something disrespectful to you. How sad . You are better than that.
Turtles Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 It's acceptable if you find it acceptable. There is no "Vagina Police" that is going to lock her up for having 2 boyfriends. You qualify your relationship as "non serious", in my mind that would imply non-exclusive. If it's not what you expect then you need to talk to her. Personally there is no way I would put up with it, if only because of STDs. But it could be just a matter of talking to her and letting her know your expectations, because she can't read your mind. 2
carhill Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 Test: Call her up today and gush over some important part of your life. Listen. The answer will arrive. TBH, you have no way of knowing what he knows unless you've spoken to him directly and asked him. IME, having been down this road a few time, the destination was less than savory. YMMV.
xxoo Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 In summary M and her other guy aren't anymore official than M and I. They are more Facebook, we are more face to face with friends and family. They are more campus, we are more everywhere else. In a social situation, she sat with him, and kissed him in front of you. To me, that sends a message of who is her boyfriend, and who is on the side. Why don't you sit her down and ask for an explanation of where you stand? It's been more than long enough. You speak about her as a possible mate (alluding to meeting potential in-laws, rather than meeting a lover's parents). If she is quite young, chances are she won't end up with either of you. She could simply be experimenting with love, sex, and romance, with ideas of choosing a mate far off in her future. One last point--if you were in the bf's shoes, would you consider it a harmless game? You could be in the boyfriend's shoes with this girl in the future--especially if you don't really lay out what is going on, and what you each want from this relationship.
SoleMate Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 In a social situation, she sat with him, and kissed him in front of you. To me, that sends a message of who is her boyfriend, and who is on the side. Why don't you sit her down and ask for an explanation of where you stand? No need to ask, "M" already made it clear where the OP stands and it is on the side. OP, does your username have any relationship to this question?
So happy together Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 It may sound silly, but I want to point out that being the 'other' is serious business. It is difficult and takes it's toll. This, coming from an 'other'. Are you sure she's worth it? My MM didn't make me feel I was taking a back seat. And you shouldn't take one, either. Get out of it if you can, it's a hard road.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted April 27, 2013 Author Posted April 27, 2013 (edited) No need to ask, "M" already made it clear where the OP stands and it is on the side. OP, does your username have any relationship to this question? Perhaps this perspective is right. On the other hand... half of the people in that room were also on the trip and in the hotel where I screwed his woman. The other half were her younger friends who, we already suspect, would not know how to act about her dating me. It is hard to say who looks more the fool. Right now I'd say neither of us. No one has a solid commitment. We are all just casually involved with the same person (and any one of us could be involved to some degree with other people now that I think of it.) Remember this is a college campus. Some things are different here. @XXOO Your point assumes things are serious and exclusive in the "boyfriends" mind. As I said above try to remember this is a college campus and the people I'm dealing with are very young adults. Were they my age I would look at things differently. Edited April 27, 2013 by Mrlonelyone
Author Mrlonelyone Posted April 27, 2013 Author Posted April 27, 2013 No need to ask, "M" already made it clear where the OP stands and it is on the side. OP, does your username have any relationship to this question? Test: Call her up today and gush over some important part of your life. Listen. The answer will arrive. TBH, you have no way of knowing what he knows unless you've spoken to him directly and asked him. IME, having been down this road a few time, the destination was less than savory. YMMV. Hmm.. We do that all the time (Mostly by text or face to face). She reacts in a girlfriend like way depending on what mood she is in. She even takes my failures personally.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted April 27, 2013 Author Posted April 27, 2013 Why are you competing for this woman? Why go after someone that is not in 100%? Why do you expect so little of yourself? Because women who are very into the same area of study as I am as she is are in short supply. If it was just a matter of some random tail I would be with you. The truth I have learned about myself is that someone who isn't into what I do will not be happy with me nor I with them. Plus certain other things which I don't want to make public that have me spooked in a good way about the situation. I'll PM you all about it. For the public I will say two words, chaos theory.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted April 27, 2013 Author Posted April 27, 2013 @Sole_mate I hear what you are saying. The difference is what would I do in that situation to not take a back seat. Possessively snatch the woman up and beat the crap out of the guy? (Just as likely get the crap beat out of me...either way one or both of us goes to jail.) As hard as it can be to believe I am not is a huge RUSH to have an exclusive relationship. I want one some day but not enough to physically fight or make demands for one.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted April 27, 2013 Author Posted April 27, 2013 College campus or not....integrity shouldn't be different based on a geographical location. If she has told him he was the only one then she certainly is showing a lack of integrity. If he has just been hanging with her a couple months or so longer then it's really not a big deal. There was a time when more than one man courting a given woman, while each man was courting more than one woman, before marriage, was totally accepted.
xxoo Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 If you are intimate enough to have sex, why can't you have a direct conversation about the roles you play in each others lives? Why so much ambiguity 6 months in? Why not just ask her? 1
Author Mrlonelyone Posted April 27, 2013 Author Posted April 27, 2013 If you are intimate enough to have sex, why can't you have a direct conversation about the roles you play in each others lives? Why so much ambiguity 6 months in? Why not just ask her? Because direct serious conversations do nothing but make this woman scared. Our relationship is casual and non-serious... that is our definition. Even as her very father put it to me...don't try to pressure her it will only scare her away. He must have seen more than one man try to claim his daughter only for her to retreat.
xxoo Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 If that's enough for you, why all the analytical threads? It's hard to believe this is casual and non serious to you.... 1
Author Mrlonelyone Posted April 27, 2013 Author Posted April 27, 2013 If this was only courting and everyone was on the up and up.....you wouldn't be posting in this thread. So...................not really applicable here. What would you have me do? I figure it's between two people what they do. If she hasn't told him about what we do, and me about what they do then what the heck? Should I walk up to him and be hey bro. When you're not available or she just wants something bigger than 5" (The fool posted a video on the net saying that about himself.) she sometimes comes to me? :/
Author Mrlonelyone Posted April 27, 2013 Author Posted April 27, 2013 So in your assessment bent, there is no such thing as casual multidating? I concluded a while up thread that the best description of my situation isn't that I am the other man to a womans boyfriend.... but that I am another man the same woman dates. If no promises are made then who is hurt? I assume that because no one could be as clueless as this guy would have to be. I went on a trip to another city with this woman. He knew about it for petes sake.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted April 27, 2013 Author Posted April 27, 2013 I've never heard of the "usual pre commitment mating dance." What I meant was that no promises had been made. Hence pre-commitment. The assumption is that at some point one person bows out and moves on, or choices are made. She doesn't sound committed to you or the other dude, rather, just casually dating (banging) both of you. I realize that now. Writing it out here on LS and having people to bounce this off of helped me. You see, I don't trust my own instincts too much. They have been wrong before. I really don't see how this is so complex, and from what you've written, no one has an issue with the arrangement, but you. I have no issue with the arrangement other than the thought that the "boyfriend" may not know what's up.
xxoo Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 If no promises are made then who is hurt? I assume that because no one could be as clueless as this guy would have to be. I went on a trip to another city with this woman. He knew about it for petes sake. I don't see how he should have known. Wasn't it a school trip, with other dept members? Should he suspect she is sleeping with them, too? Casual is fine. I get confused when you (often) seem to be projecting more (reading into meeting friends and family, mentioning future in laws) 1
MissBee Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 This question relates to someone I have written about elsewhere as M. M and I have been carrying on a non serious relationship for six months. M has been with another for seven or eight months, six of those in what some could call an EA or A with me. This situation is so complex. On one hand on Facebook she is in pictures with him. Yet no rlship status, nor the so common couple profile pic on her profile. On the other I have made the trip to her home town with her, met her family, got her to agree to meet mine soon, and had relations with her. Her sisters did meet him on a trip here. To make it more complex it seems I know way more of him than he knows of us. The bf hasn't a clue or does not care. In summary M and her other guy aren't anymore official than M and I. They are more Facebook, we are more face to face with friends and family. They are more campus, we are more everywhere else. My questions are: Is my situation even worthy of the affair concept or is it just the usual pre commitment mating dance? Does the fact she met someone else two months before me really make that much of a difference. Since he knows little of me but I know all about him how bad could if be when/ if she chooses me over him? I am just curious: Have you ever asked her where you two stand? It seems like you are guessing at what she will/won't do but have never had any frank conversations in this regard. If you plan to be in a committed relationship with her, it would be wise to make that clear and to ask her about her "facebook relationship" instead of guessing and asking us. For me, it's usually never a good sign when I am more willing to ask strangers about what the person I'm dating is thinking/feeling than I am to actually ask them. It already points to a lack of communication. You are in a casual relationship and seem to be making lots of assumptions and are obviously invested and envision her choosing you and talk fondly of the things she does with you to show you are special and have something "more real", yet I wouldn't assume this. I would ask point blank to make certain you are on the same page.
MissBee Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 Because direct serious conversations do nothing but make this woman scared. Our relationship is casual and non-serious... that is our definition. Even as her very father put it to me...don't try to pressure her it will only scare her away. He must have seen more than one man try to claim his daughter only for her to retreat. If it was casual and non-serious, I doubt you'd be on here asking about it, you'd be simply living it. I have had FWB scenarios and it didn't bother me one bit what they did. I also had FWB scenarios that I wanted more out of, but settled for less than and told myself it was ok, all the while secretly hoping they would eventually see how great I was and be serious with me. Didn't happen. Someone who runs from a simple conversation about where you stand, who is dating and sleeping with two men, whose father has said don't pressure her, is a commitment phobe with a neon sign! I don't think you will get a commitment from her and I think you're fooling yourself by acting like it's casual when clearly you care way more. Asking a question is not pressure and commitment phobes often control their relationships and hold the reigns by dating people too afraid to ask them anything and who, although they don't like it and want things to change, will allow the commitment phobe to have their cake and eat it for ever, for fear of "scaring them away." Good luck! 1
Author Mrlonelyone Posted April 27, 2013 Author Posted April 27, 2013 I don't see how he should have known. Wasn't it a school trip, with other dept members? Should he suspect she is sleeping with them, too? Casual is fine. I get confused when you (often) seem to be projecting more (reading into meeting friends and family, mentioning future in laws) Uhmmm " in the words of the young ladies own father to me. These conferences are like Vegas. What happens here stays here." In other words that kind of trip is known for debauchery.
veggirl Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 I don't understand your end-goal. If all you want is casual whateverness then cool but if you want more than it's pretty clear this isn't the girl for you. I mean her own dad says she'll run at the ~serious and scary~ question of What Is Going On? She sounds pretty screwed up if THAT is too scary for her. If you are looking for anything serious, she is a waste of time. 3
xxoo Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 Uhmmm " in the words of the young ladies own father to me. These conferences are like Vegas. What happens here stays here." In other words that kind of trip is known for debauchery. Yeah, well, I was a student once, too. And I went on a dept trip to a conference--in a party city, too. I didn't screw anyone, because I had a man at home. I'm not saying that she necessarily did anything wrong. I'm saying that going on dept trips as a student isn't a clear sign that you are screwing someone in the dept. 1
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