Humph.. Posted September 21, 2004 Posted September 21, 2004 Ok, I have a question: when's the right age/time, in your opinion, to be having sexual relationships? Im not just talking intercourse, but all the stuff that comes before/during/after as well...all sexually intimate acts. Do you have an opinion? I'm not a believer in the arguement of theres a right/wrong age, I'm just curious to know if you would freak out if you found out say for example, that your partner lost their virginity when they were 16 or if someone you knew had a few partners by 18...or if that would seem like a reasonable thing in the scheme of things.. I've always been more inclined to base my opinion on the relationship/situation between the two people getting intimate rather than age (as long as they are over the age of around 16..age of consent where i come from..) The reason for these questions? I had my first real sexual relationship at late 17/18 (i didnt go all the way...) and lost my virginity at 19 (to a different person). I have felt uneasy about my first sexual relationship as i felt i was somewhat pressured into it, i convinced myself othewise at the time, i thought i was in love.... i later realised i wasnt ready for that intimacy with that person and struggled to deal with the way that made me feel. it took me a while to realise i was naive at the time and did it because i thought i was ok with it, when really, i wasnt exactly 100% comfortable.... A year after that relationship ended, i met someone else, fell in love and eventually was totally comfortable losing my virginity to him. The guy that im with now has found out about the "timeline" of my past i guess you could say- and has made it clear he is "shocked" i had a sexual relationship while still at school. He was under the impression nothing like this occured until i was out of school for some reason....thing is- that's my entire sexual past. What i described up there. Period. I have only had 2 intimate relationships before him, and only slept with one other person before him...exactly what i described above is my entire sexual history. I'm 21 now and I know that this guy i'm with has slept with OVER 15 people before me. 15 vs 1 and he's upset at my past??? Because my first intimate experience occured during my final year at school?!?!?! My theory? He's upset i had a sexual experience at a younger age than he did...barely. He lost his virginity at 18 and states that was his first sexual experience. while i was almost 18 when my first experience occurred. Yeah, he has a serious problem with sexuality in a lot of ways- and this is just one of them... My question is though- is it that shocking/lewd/horrible that my first sexual experience, before losing my virginity, was at 17/18?
savethedrama4allama Posted September 21, 2004 Posted September 21, 2004 No, that is not horrible! This guy sounds like a control freak. I've been through that- been called a slut by a guy who had slept with 14 people compared to 3 in my life. He also called me a slut because I slept with him on our second date- like he wasn't in on that too. I would be running from this guy if I were you...he is a hypocrite and has big issues.
Humph.. Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 He called you a slut for THAT??? what ended up happening in that relationship? Did he have problems with everything in your past?
Papillon Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 This guy has to follow this friendly advice.
Jilly10340 Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 What a jerk. Some guys are just like that, even though they may have been with more people then you. They must think, "How could anyone possibly have come before me." If you're horrible because your first sexual experience was at the age of 17/18, then I must be the devil. Mine was much younger.
savethedrama4allama Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 I second Jilly- If 17/18 is bad then I am Lucifer him/herself. And I think you should forward Papillon's friendly advice right to your boyfriend. Keep us posted.
fredrolin Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 Well now that I am a father of an 8 year old daughter, I feel that my child should wait until she is over 18 to have sex. But if you would have asked me this question when I was a horny teenager I would have said different. I had intercourse with a girl for the first time when I was 15 years old. It was a gangbang. 4 male friends (ages 15 to 18) and I cut school and got drunk at a friend's house. One dude brought this 18 year old chick over and she had sex with all of us, one at a time. Looking back on it all it was sorta stupid, I was drunk, I stuck it in and humped her for a few minutes, I didn't know what I was doing. I don't even think I came. Nobody used protection and this was before AIDS...1978.
Humph.. Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 Thing is- my bf is EXTREMELY sexually conservative about various things to do with sex (YES even though he has had more than his fair share of one night stands..) being open about sex, and trying new things are NOT his cup of tea...even talking about fantasies, what our desires are or being knowledgable about sex is "peverse" to him. He doesn't want to see me as a sexual thing until he's in the bedroom with me..then it's ok! This guy that i was first with at 17/18 was VERY sexually liberal...VERY comfortable discussing and trying lots of different sexual things...im no prude, im comfortable with my sexuality but I was naive at the time and thought i was being mature and grown up so i went along with it, but feel uncomfortable in retrospect. I felt uncomfortable soon after the relationship ended and i looked back at my reasons for being in the rship: bad place in my life at the time and he made me feel really special. I have put it down to a learning experience, and moved on. my last ex had no problem with my past, he knew how i felt about all of this stuff and it was no big deal to him at all- he had no problems with my sexuality or my past in any way at all. Basically, my current bf doesn't know how sexually liberal this ex was, i dont think it's any of his business frankly, because it's my past that i've already struggled to deal with and i dont need him judging me any further..especially since he is very conservative in his views about that sort of thing. I need his understanding but instead he's saying to me "why arent you regretful! tell me he forced you to do stuff! tell me you were convinced! tell me you feel dirty about it! you were closer to 18 right? you were nearly out of school right?"... meanwhile im sitting there trying to explain how i have tried to deal with all of this and thought i had until his judgmental and cruel attitude have made me feel horrible about it all over again..! Is it fair to say if he ever brings this up again to tell him i am NOT going to discuss it with him any further? I think it is.
JQBNCHICK Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 MY EX (J) WAS THE SAME WAY WHEN WE HOOKED UP WE WAS BOTH 18 AND I HAD BEEN WITH ONE GUY HE COULDN'T EXCEPT THAT I WOULD TRY TO EXPLAIN TO HIM THAT IT WASN'T THAT I JUST SCREWED SOME GUY IT WAS MY EX FIANCEE © THAT WE WAS TOGETHER FOR 3 YRS HE WASN'T SOME GUY I MET AT A CLUB..... WHAT IS FUNNY IS HE MY EX (J) HAD SLEPT WITH OVER 45 WOMEN NOW THAT IS SICKENING YET HE COULDN'T FORGIVE ME FOR NOT BEING A VIRGIN HIS THEORY WAS THE WOMEN HE WAS TO MARRY HAD TO BE A VIRGIN AND HE COULDN'T EXCEPT THAT I WOULD ASK FOR FORGIVENESS FOR SOMETHING I DIDN'T FEEL I DID WRONG YOUR MAN SOUNDS LIKE MY EX TRUST ME HE WILL GET OVER IT. IT TOOK (J) 2 YRS TO GET OVER IT BUT HE GOT OVER IT THE TRICK HE IS WITH NOW I HEARD HAS SLEPT WITH OVER 15 GUYS BUT THAT DIDN'T BOTHER HIM SO I GUESS HE WAS JUST TRYING TO CONTROL ME
humph.. Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 My current bf is VERY sexually conservative..the guy i dated when i was 17/18 was VERY liberal. My current boyfriend doesnt know just how liberal, and i dont think he needs to know due to his reactions so far. would you agree that it's none of his business? in between the 17/18 bf and my current bf, i had a boyfriend who was well..in between the two in his views on sexuality as well..he didnt have a problem with my past at all..he was comfortable with himself and with me as well. I dealt with my past- the discomfort of knowing i did stuff i wasnt totally okay with because the guy came along in a time of my life where i felt alone and he made me feel special. I thought i was grown up and liberal in my views..looking back i cringe at some things and wish i had been more aware of my feelings at the time. It took me a long time to deal with the stuff from that relationship, especially because my gut was telling me it didnt feel right all along and i didnt listen..it was over four years ago, i have put it down to a learning experience and moved on.... And now i have a boyfriend who wants to MAKE me feel bad about it!? example: "tell me you regret it! that you were forced! that you hated it! that you feel wrong and dirty about it! tell me you were practically 18! i used to think so highly of you! you were doing this stuff during school! "...... right. Is it fair to say that since my bf doesnt wish to be supportive and understanding about things that if he brings the issue up again im going to tell him i REALLY dont want to talk to him about it ever again due to his lack of empathy. i think that's fair.
humph.. Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 sorry for the double post people, one was submitted before i registered
savethedrama4allama Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 Originally posted by humph.. "tell me you regret it! that you were forced! that you hated it! that you feel wrong and dirty about it! tell me you were practically 18! i used to think so highly of you! you were doing this stuff during school! "...... This sounds completely manipulative. "tell me you regret it"??? "that you were forced"???? Honestly, he would rather that you have been FORCED into sex- a very damaging experience- than to have been willing and have had a positive sexual experience? That is sick. He has massive insecurities and he can't accept that there was anyone before him. At the very least, do not accept discussing this topic again. And while I may not know the whole story, from what I've heard of it I'd say run as fast as you can in the other direction.
humph.. Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 I know savethedrama4yrmama ...if he ever brings up anything about my past again I'm not answering any questions...especially since he won't answer mine when i ask him stuff about his past... oh... Want to know something else? He has said to me several times "if you knew about my past you wouldnt want to be with me" or things to that degree.....HE HAS SAID THAT TO ME AND THEN JUDGES ME?!!?!?!??!?
Jilly10340 Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 I really wouldn't worry abou this humph. This is his problem to deal with, not yours. He's the one that has to accept that you've been with someone else. He'll come around in time. I recently started dating a guy that's been with 13 people. I was shocked and disgusted when he told me. But instead of screaming at him and getting into a argument I just worked it out inside myself for a few days. The past is the past and you can't change it. What matters now is that you and him are together. You are with HIM now and only him. That's the most important thing.
humph.. Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 I know! I wish he could see it that way- my past doesnt make me a bad person. If i was ok with stuff that happened when i was 17/18 that wouldnt make me a bad person either! i know a lot of people who have had sex at that age (and i hadnt yet) and they are totally awesome, moral people! I am not uncomfortable about it because of my age...as you can read in the posts above. My bf has a problem with the past...and frankly, if i can deal with 15 girls (one night stands etc) and he knew from the start ive only been intimate with people ive loved - and i can deal with HIS past- then well, i think hes being a jerk. Then he tells me i wouldnt want to be with him if i knew stuff, so he doesnt answer my questions. right. thats fair..! theres a lot of bull**** going on here as you can all see.
Jilly10340 Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 Him saying that you wouldn't want to be with him if you knew his past worries me. I would be, uh, delving into that a little deeper. I had a ex boyfriend tell me the same exact thing........and he was right, I didn't want to be with him after that. But that involved a blatant lie he had been telling everyone for the past two years. Not about what he did in the past. Aren't you just curious? It would kill me not to know
humph.. Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 It does worry me. Especially when im the kind of person who always said id want to be with a guy who treats sex as importantly as i do.... ie. has only been intimate with people he was emotionally involved with...loved even (like i did). He goes on a spiel about how he does see it that way and how im the most important person ever to him, and the intimacy we share is so special to him, far beyond anything in the past and that he regrets his past and the things he did. See, i say those things regarding the importance of intimacy too. BUT I MEAN IT WHEN I SAY IT..how can i believe that from a guy who wont answer my questions about his past? He is being so hypocritical..telling me i cant ask him stuff about his past or he wont answer it anyway because i wouldnt want to be with him if i knew! if i said the same thing to him he'd FLIP. He didnt want to know about my past, but figured some stuff out from a conversation we had. he doesnt know details and if he asked, theres no way in hell i'd tell him now. I told him from day 1 you can ask me anything you want about my past i have no secrets. Meanwhile im finding out stuff about him that i didnt know...god knows what he is hiding from me...KNOWINGLY hiding from me. PURPOSELY avoiding questions...
Jilly10340 Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 If it worries you make him tell you. I know a lot of people say that their past is no ones business but when you're sleeping with someone it IS your business. Because you're not only sleeping with him but with everyone he's been with. If there's something that he did that would put you at risk then you need to know.
JonnyMadness Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 I'm a guy and I'll tell you one thing, this guy's issues will prevent him from ever having a healthy relationship. So, if you want a healthy relationship, it can't be with him, he's completely incapable. I do understand where he's coming from, I've felt like he does before. You see, guys want to believe that they are "extra" special to you, and they want to believe that you are giving them a part of yourself that you haven't given before. I've been there, and I was very jealous and judgemental of an ex girlfriend, she was 17 and had a few partners, I was 21 and a virgin. Let me say that I was not abusive like this guy we're talking about (in the psychological sense). I know that the issue was one inside myself, and I eventually sorted it out for myself and we went on to have a great relationship that lasted 4 years. The problem is that our society gets its sex education from pop culture, MTV and entertainment. We are sexually repressed, but we are created to have sex, and there are hormones racing around all our bodies that drive us to it. Every human alive on this planet is a sexual creature with sexual feelings. It's like if you put a kink in a high pressure water hose, the water will get out no matter what, even if it has to bust through the hose to do it. Our sexuality needs to be expressed and explored and the right time to do so is whatever time you feel is right for you, whether that's at 16 or 6! Since nobody talks honestly about sex, how can young people make the right decisions? I'm 30 and I'm going through a big change in my sexual morality. So, it's not only teens who are having trouble with these issues. Our whole society is f***ed when it comes to sex. Nonexist
humph.. Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 I should have seen the big warning signs about this guys sexuality from the start..but i ignored them and here we are. He acusses me of being deceptive, when he wont even tell me about stuff i want to know! He can't handle the past, even though he knows hes number 1 by a long shot to the people i was with before. i have never given him a reason to feel 2nd best EVER. he has issues about sexuality i think. He even said "what do you mean you were entitled to your sexuality! you were not! you were still in school! you have no right!" realllllllll healthy..
RaleighMan Posted September 24, 2004 Posted September 24, 2004 Originally posted by Humph.. The reason for these questions? I had my first real sexual relationship at late 17/18 (i didnt go all the way...) and lost my virginity at 19 (to a different person). I have felt uneasy about my first sexual relationship as i felt i was somewhat pressured into it, i convinced myself othewise at the time, i thought i was in love.... i later realised i wasnt ready for that intimacy with that person and struggled to deal with the way that made me feel. it took me a while to realise i was naive at the time and did it because i thought i was ok with it, when really, i wasnt exactly 100% comfortable.... A year after that relationship ended, i met someone else, fell in love and eventually was totally comfortable losing my virginity to him. How can you lose your virginity twice? Originally posted by Humph.. I'm 21 now and I know that this guy i'm with has slept with OVER 15 people before me. 15 vs 1 and he's upset at my past??? Holy crap, yeah he's not the one that should be upset with anyone's past. I'm in the mood for sharing, I'm 23 I and I've only been with 2 women. Both of which the circumstance was reversed, 9 vs 1 and then years later 7 vs 2. You're doing just fine. Not that you are feeling guilty, but don't let him make you feel that way because that's BS. Originally posted by Humph.. Yeah, he has a serious problem with sexuality in a lot of ways- and this is just one of them... So do I. I wonder how many guys really do? Superficially it would seem not many but us guys don't like to talk about that stuff. However I can say that one thing that has always bothered me, alot, is to imagine the woman I am with getting an orgasim from another guy. It physically makes me sick to my stomach. Obviously I shouldn't think about that then right? But whenever past relationships come up or for some reason I realize the woman I am with has been with 3 times more men than I with women, it's hard to not think about it.
humph.. Posted September 24, 2004 Posted September 24, 2004 to clarify- i didnt have sex with the guy i was dating at 17/18, but did do other stuff with him..he was extremely sexually liberal and liked discussing sexualthings as well. i lost my virginity to a differnet boyfriend (as in sexual intercourse) at 19, who i was with for 2 years. my current bf is extremely conservative -the idea that i know about my sexuality and i like to explore it in the privacy of the bedroom (with or without a partner)perhaps makes him see me as this girl with whoreish tendancies....madonna/whore complex maybe?? I think its great when couples can explore their sexuality together and do all sorts of things together, whatever tickles their fancy. but i DO have a problem with people having lots and lots of partners... i should have realised things would end up this way- he told me when we first met he liked the idea of being with a virgin because she would have saved herself for him...! i recently argued that if he indeed wanted such a pure girl, why the hell was he off being hypocritical and sleeping around?! I guarantee im the closest he has had to a virgin (in terms of number of previous partners) or the closest he will ever have- not that it's important, because if i can deal with his colourful past, he shouldnt have any worries dealing with mine. id rather be in a relationship and do EVERY sex act (nothing horribly kinky..) with that person, talk about sex with them openly and comfortably too, try all sorts of things and be honest and open... ...rather than sleep with over 15 people but then say you dont feel comfortable discussing sexual things or your partner being comfortable with her sexuality.
Jilly10340 Posted September 24, 2004 Posted September 24, 2004 I have a question....No offense, but if you have a problem with the number of sexual partners your bf has had, why are you with him if you're that uncomfortable with it?
humph.. Posted September 25, 2004 Posted September 25, 2004 Im not really uncomfortable with the number- it's more the fact that he says if i knew details about his past i wouldnt want to be with him..i dont know WHAT to think when he says that! I just dont want him getting funny over my past when i can deal with his past- that is much more colourful than mine. I know he takes sex as seriously as i do, i just wish he didnt say cryptic thing, not answer my questions and make me think the worse.
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