darkchocolatecherry Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 hmm, i don't know if i'm making a big deal out of nothing my boyfriend dated a girl for three years. they were friends for six years before they dated. they practically grew up together. she dumped him and he was heartbroken for another 2 years. this girl coincidentally is a friend of mine, one I value very much. when i started dating my boyfriend, i was completely secure and didn't worry about any ex girlfriend issues. my boyfriend did bring her up in conversations now and then, but this seemed reasonable since I knew that she used to be a huge part of his life and a lot of his memories and past experiences involved her. for the most part, i felt loved and happy. we have been together for one year. before he started dating me, a year after his ex-gf broke up with him, he started avoiding her to protect himself from getting hurt. however, i learned from his ex-girlfriend that he is still avoiding her. she told me that she had been trying to reconnect with him (not because she wants him back - she is in a very happy relationship right now, and she is also a good friend of mine. i trust her completely. they grew up together though, and he was her closest friend and she doesn't want to have him disappear from her life.) and he ignores all of her messages. when she asked him why he was completely ignoring her, he told her that talking to her still hurts him and makes him think of the memories they had together. she told me what he said, adding that she thought it was strange that he would still be hurting after so long, especially since he has me. This reasoning makes sense to me too...which is why I've been kind of insecure lately. do you guys think he might still not be over her?
Toddbt12y1 Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 Not entirely over her. Enough to move-on. I doubt you're any fallback. He shouldn't have to be friends with her. Some people never do the friendship thing with an ex...as it does hurt. I imagine he loved her. It would hurt to be friends with unrequited love. I think things are alright. You should be cautious of anything an ex he is ignoring tells you. 1
Joaquin Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 Yr boyfriend seems to have it right. The ex sounds dangerous. See how she is already putting toxic thoughts into your head. Yr bf wants distance as he is trying to build something new with u and doesn't want his ex involved. This ex gf of his sounds like she is up to no good and you might be best advised to follow yr bfs lead with this one. 1
JessieJ08 Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 First so what he doesn't talk to her if she is happy then she needs to let it go. You trust her but it doesn't sound like you should . Why does she care and why is she putting this in your head? he may not be over the situation and thats normal it takes time like you said you know she use to be a big part of his life if thats how he deals with it then let him. He has to get over the hurt and you should be helping him by being the best girlfriend not by talking to his ex about why he wont talk to her thats not very smart ( no offense) My point he has let her go and thats why he doesn't talk to her so No he doesn't have feelings still like your thinking he just is still hurt and needs time to heal over it now if he is trying to talk to her then be worried. Because it sounds to me like she maybe regretting leaving him because he doesn't respond to her and that means he has moved on and dont care as much about being with her and she dont like that no ex does!
crederer Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 The fact he is being honest with you about it shows me that he cares for you. If he felt for her and wanted to see and kept those feeling private from you, then you'd have a problem. Some people here say that if you've completely moved on, you don't have any feelings for the ex. That's not true in my experiences. I have been the dumper and the dumpee and I have feelings for all my ex's. Not that I want to get back with them per se but they were big parts of my life and I want the best for them. I only avoid one ex and that's because I know she very badly wants to get back with me and I don't want that.
TaraMaiden Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 You know, friendships are tricky things.... you feel beholden to this girl because you have a history. But the fact is, friendships evolve, things change, and while you may have sympathies with her, your loyalty should be to your BF. He is the one who is sharing his life with you. You chose each other, and it's your (collective) task to put the other 'first'. His feelings, in this case, count more than hers. In a nutshell? She's 'miffed'. She feels entitled to his attention, because they have a long history themselves; but the fact is, and remains, that she dumped him. He may not have benevolent feelings towards her, simply because he still feels hurt. In fact, his feelings may be mildly hostile and resentful. "Getting over" someone doesn't mean that the process has been a love-fuelled one, and neither does it mean that feelings and emotions should be forgotten. Feelings are valid signals; respect his. Next time you speak with her, you will have to tell her (in whichever way is appropriate) that sadly, her idea of, and time-frame for, getting over it, doesn't coincide with his. He feels the way he feels, because that's the way he feels. She may believe she should be entitled to some attention now, because 'enough time has passed' - but that's not her call. Friendship with you or no - she has no choice. Tough luck, but she has to suck it up. 1
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