"He (or she) who breaketh no contact first loseth all power"

[Echo000]

if its been at least a month (or more) and you break no contact, have you lost the power you held in keeping your distance and silence? Just curious on others thoughts.

[Toddbt12y1]

Sometimes it takes losing all of your power...in order to become powerful.....

 

Not many will get my meaning I think...

[GB25]

if its been at least a month (or more) and you break no contact, have you lost the power you held in keeping your distance and silence? Just curious on others thoughts.

 

I feel you slowly caving...dont do it man, it starts with questions like this.

[316]

You don't truly have the power until you've moved on for good. Doesn't matter who sends the last text message.

 

Please don't forget people NC is a tool to help you move on not a tactic to get your ex back and have "power" over them.

[dreamingoftigers]

The verse must be from one of the lesser known books

 

However,if one wishes to maintain healing and gain personal power, and have a bit more leverage overall, one should adhere to it anyhow.

[all_cats_rgray]

My ex, (dumper) was the first to break NC.

 

Wished me a Happy Birthday. ext.. ext...

 

I still feel powerless.

 

I'd say if your a dumpee and you break NC, you feel even more powerless...

 

Take your power back, don't break NC.

[Miss_Willowick]

My ex, (dumper) was the first to break NC.

 

Wished me a Happy Birthday. ext.. ext...

 

I still feel powerless.

 

I'd say if your a dumpee and you break NC, you feel even more powerless...

 

Take your power back, don't break NC.

 

Same here. My ex, the dumper was the first to break NC by sending me a Facebook friend request after having unfriended me there only 3 days prior to that. Because he wanted to friend me again this led me to consider that he wanted to leave open the possibility for future contact. (though there are other reasons why he may have sent that new request too but won't go into that now).

 

But I knew the most logical thing to do was to simply deactivate my FB acct., which I did because I know that I will lose any sense of self-respect if I allow myself to have any further contact with that person. In this case, NC rules! No question about that one!

[iouaname]

If you're the dumpee, any kind of contact, whether it's initiated by you or the dumper, takes away your power and often leaves you in a worse place than you would have been otherwise. I've learned that the hard way

[Echo000]

I feel you slowly caving...dont do it man, it starts with questions like this.

 

 

lmao its true..its been a tough week emotionally for me. Been almost 100 days no contact and missing her now than i have in months. And others are right..i got a bday email and another strange email (see earlier posts if curious) from her, but ultimately was nothing.

 

Im not gonna cave though, but i can admit that i have felt weak and hurt these past few days.

[Am4Real]

Be strong...be strong...

 

Quickly, drop down and give me 20 push-up...it will make you even stronger!!

 

lmao its true..its been a tough week emotionally for me. Been almost 100 days no contact and missing her now than i have in months. And others are right..i got a bday email and another strange email (see earlier posts if curious) from her, but ultimately was nothing.

 

Im not gonna cave though, but i can admit that i have felt weak and hurt these past few days.

[Seachelle1]

Why is it about power for so many people? For me, it's about getting better and protecting myself. The more I look at the talk of power going along with NC the more I disagree with NC a great deal of the time. I keep NC to keep myself safe and get better and break a connection with someone who was hurting me a lot. It isn't about being more powerful than him, it's about moving forward and diffusing the hurt.

 

The first time I kept NC to respect his wishes and his need to heal. The second time I did it to heal myself and to accept the fact that I deserve better than how he was treating me. I deserve friends who treat me right and old lovers who treat me with care and respect. If he can't do that for me, if his girlfriend is coming by and saying nasty things, I shouldn't be talking to him. I don't accept bad behavior. The only things I have to say to them are mean, unkind things, anyway. I don't consider them good people. Why hang out with mean people? Why give them a moment more of my time?

 

But if there is genuine friendship in a relationship and two people have healed and moved on and respect each other, there's no reason not to be friends. My ex and his new ex know how they hurt me, they know where I stand. I told them and I was clear. My telling them wasn't about giving up power, it was about adult communication and choosing the best path for myself and the situation. I'm sure they didn't care and considered me undignified but that doesn't say anything about me. I can't change their choices to treat me bad but I choose how I comport myself. I learned from the things I did bad and learned some new limits, I don't regret breaking no contact because I was doing everything in good faith and there was no returning of good faith and respect. I needed to understand how little they cared about me and how they weren't good people. I was giving them too much of my heart and being too nice to them when they were trampling over me.

 

Maybe I am not understanding the relationship of power and no contact. What does power have to do with no contact?

[Am4Real]

Good morning Seachelle,

 

I think you’re taking this thread OT in a small way; it’s not a problem though, only that Echo has a specific question which you have responded with a wide variety of ways personal to you. All good.

 

In your reply I thought there were two important pieces, both at the beginning and the end. The middle seems like venting and that’s “all good” as well.

 

Let’s take a look at your comments.

 

[highlight]You asked: [/highlight] Why is it about power for so many people?

 

The reflection of “power” is interpreted differently by people. For some it means they have control over a situation and themselves. This is believed is best description.

 

However, many people take it in a manipulative sense for “getting their EX to call them or in the end return to them” while others in a heated parting of ways, are determined to get in the last word. In the sense that NC was developed as a means to heal, it is the belief of this method in having one take control or better said having the power to take control of one’s own destiny.

 

Make sense? Do you see that now?

 

[highlight]You asked: [/highlight] I am not understanding the relationship of power and no contact. What does power have to do with no contact?

 

Hopefully this question was answered in the first response. I would add: you could substitute the word “power” with “control” and derive the same meaning. In this way both of these words are interchangeable within the intent of NO CONTACT.

 

Have a wonderful Sunday.

[GI_Joy]

Why is it about power for so many people? For me, it's about getting better and protecting myself. The more I look at the talk of power going along with NC the more I disagree with NC a great deal of the time. I keep NC to keep myself safe and get better and break a connection with someone who was hurting me a lot. It isn't about being more powerful than him, it's about moving forward and diffusing the hurt.

 

I would agree with this. I mean yes, you may have more "power" by not breaking NC but I believe NC is a choice that you make in the moving on process and people choose it to heal faster. It's different for everyone, I guess. In my case, however, I indirectly broke contact (i.e. I contacted someone I had suspicions about who turned out to be my ex's other girl that he cheated on with me!) and did not regret it or see it as a loss of "power", it actually gave me the closure I needed without even having to talk to the scumbag. Now I can't even flirt with the idea of breaking NC with him because the thought of it repulses me. I should have no issues getting over him. So yea. The relationship between NC and healing is different for everyone. "Power" is just another item involved in it all, but I don't think it's a major factor.

[Am4Real]

Seachelle1,

 

See how substituting "control" for the word "power" in both Echoo's original post and GI_Joy's post fits?

 

BTW, nice summary GI_Joy.

 

 

I would agree with this. I mean yes, you may have more "power" by not breaking NC but I believe NC is a choice that you make in the moving on process and people choose it to heal faster. It's different for everyone, I guess. In my case, however, I indirectly broke contact (i.e. I contacted someone I had suspicions about who turned out to be my ex's other girl that he cheated on with me!) and did not regret it or see it as a loss of "power", it actually gave me the closure I needed without even having to talk to the scumbag. Now I can't even flirt with the idea of breaking NC with him because the thought of it repulses me. I should have no issues getting over him. So yea. The relationship between NC and healing is different for everyone. "Power" is just another item involved in it all, but I don't think it's a major factor.

[TaraMaiden]

"He (or she) who breaketh no contact first loseth all power"

 

 

Aaaaaah-Mennnnnnnn!

[thefooloftheyear]

NC is essential...I get that part and on my end I havent broken it once, although she has on numerous occasions. Probably more than 20 times.. Ive avoided her and took away all means of contact, but she winds up calling me at my place of business and frankly its virtually impossible to screen the calls and she probably knows it. Nothing much, just the "how are you and hows life" crap.

 

Anyway, this led me to one other thing that does make me wonder about NC.

 

Conventional wisdom dictates that the dumper should be the first one to initiate contact. Does it ever become a case of a "Mexican standoff"? Whereby BOTH parties want to initiate some form of communication, but due to pride or stubbornness(or not being the first one to blink)there is just this perpetual standoff? Makes you wonder....and I bet its more common than one might imagine...

 

Ive softened a bit with regard to NC. I say if you are really going insane, then maybe just break it. What have you got to lose really? If you are gnawing at the bedpost trying to hold out, then just do it. So, if you get rejected, maybe then you can truly give up hope.

 

Because hope is the only reason anyone cares anyway...

 

Be well everyone

 

TFY

[SR2]

Ive softened a bit with regard to NC. I say if you are really going insane, then maybe just break it. What have you got to lose really? If you are gnawing at the bedpost trying to hold out, then just do it. So, if you get rejected, maybe then you can truly give up hope.

 

Because hope is the only reason anyone cares anyway...

 

 

This! ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

[TaraMaiden]

Conventional wisdom dictates that the dumper should be the first one to initiate contact.

No, that's not the case; not 'conventional wisdom' at all.

in fact, the whole point of NC is exactly that - from both quarters.

NO CON-TACT.

 

There is no 'should be first to break it' at all. Neither should break it.

The only time it is acceptable for the Dumper to break NC is if there is a genuine, honest-to-goodness desire to reconcile.

But even the "I'm sorry, I want to try again" approach should be viewed with caution....

 

The only time a Dumpee should make contact is if they're so over their ex, they can happily see them in the arms of a new partner, and feel quite happy but indifferent about it.

 

Does it ever become a case of a "Mexican standoff"? Whereby BOTH parties want to initiate some form of communication, but due to pride or stubbornness(or not being the first one to blink)there is just this perpetual standoff? Makes you wonder....and I bet its more common than one might imagine...

This type of silent "I dare you" is just to satisfy a curiosity, and honestly, just prolongs the agony for the dumpee.

 

Every time a Dumper feels a glimmer of guilt, remorse or even just egoistic curiosity, they will contact the Dumpee to alleviate the guilt, soften the remorse and satisfy the egoistic curiosity.

 

If the Dumpee replies - under any of the above three provisos - the Dumper feels a whole lot better.

 

Guilt - not so great, because if you're talking to them, you can't be hurting that bad, can you?

 

Remorse - They did the right thing, it's ok, you're willing to be a friend in the Friend-zone....

 

Egoistic curiosity - "Does s/he still think of me? Do I figure enough for them to reply?"

 

All designed to make THEM feel better.

 

Not the Dumpee.

 

Breadcrumbs = any little thing to make you think they're missing you, whereas in fact they want to make sure you still miss them.

 

Ive softened a bit with regard to NC. I say if you are really going insane, then maybe just break it. What have you got to lose really? If you are gnawing at the bedpost trying to hold out, then just do it. So, if you get rejected, maybe then you can truly give up hope.

 

Because hope is the only reason anyone cares anyway...

 

If you're happy to have your hopes dashed, time and time again, and to keep twisting the knife in the gut, go right ahead.

Break NC.

 

The climb back to 'full-health' will be a prolonged and torturous one.

[thefooloftheyear]

No, that's not the case; not 'conventional wisdom' at all.

in fact, the whole point of NC is exactly that - from both quarters.

NO CON-TACT.

 

There is no 'should be first to break it' at all. Neither should break it.

The only time it is acceptable for the Dumper to break NC is if there is a genuine, honest-to-goodness desire to reconcile.

But even the "I'm sorry, I want to try again" approach should be viewed with caution....

 

The only time a Dumpee should make contact is if they're so over their ex, they can happily see them in the arms of a new partner, and feel quite happy but indifferent about it.

 

 

This type of silent "I dare you" is just to satisfy a curiosity, and honestly, just prolongs the agony for the dumpee.

 

Every time a Dumper feels a glimmer of guilt, remorse or even just egoistic curiosity, they will contact the Dumpee to alleviate the guilt, soften the remorse and satisfy the egoistic curiosity.

 

If the Dumpee replies - under any of the above three provisos - the Dumper feels a whole lot better.

 

Guilt - not so great, because if you're talking to them, you can't be hurting that bad, can you?

 

Remorse - They did the right thing, it's ok, you're willing to be a friend in the Friend-zone....

 

Egoistic curiosity - "Does s/he still think of me? Do I figure enough for them to reply?"

 

All designed to make THEM feel better.

 

Not the Dumpee.

 

Breadcrumbs = any little thing to make you think they're missing you, whereas in fact they want to make sure you still miss them.

 

 

 

If you're happy to have your hopes dashed, time and time again, and to keep twisting the knife in the gut, go right ahead.

Break NC.

 

The climb back to 'full-health' will be a prolonged and torturous one.

 

Settle down there, ms Wet Blanket...

 

Read the first part of the post again I never broke NC...I'm with you 1000%...

 

As for the "conventional wisdom" part...OF COURSE we are talking about a reconciliation. Isnt that what a dumpee usually wants-be it right or wrong? Thats my point(see bolded)..

 

BTW, the next part is not my viewpoint, but...

 

And as far as breaking contact if you are really going nuts (and by reading some of these posters repsonses THEY ARE)...My answer is what is the better of two evils?. Continue to drive yourself insane or just communicate and end the BS? This way, if they ignore you, tell you to eff off, or you get their new love interest on the other line, than you can just kill all your hope right then and there and begin to finally move on...Ive seen it happen many times here.

 

Tara, I know you mean well, but many of these people are using NC as a way of holding out hope. To them, so long as they havent been told to eff off they see the door open just a crack. Unlike you, me, or many others they are hoping that absence makes the heart grow fonder. And in the process they are killing themselves. NC is just giving them a bit of false hope, IMO..

 

 

 

TFY

[GI_Joy]

And as far as breaking contact if you are really going nuts (and by reading some of these posters repsonses THEY ARE)...My answer is what is the better of two evils?. Continue to drive yourself insane or just communicate and end the BS? This way, if they ignore you, tell you to eff off, or you get their new love interest on the other line, than you can just kill all your hope right then and there and begin to finally move on...Ive seen it happen many times here.

 

And with this I'm still gonna go by my opinion that it really depends on the way the person is. Some people think they might get closure from talking to the guy but don't have the strength to just cut them loose after they're SUPPOSED to let go. You'd be surprised at how many people continue to break NC even though the ex is blatantly showing them there is no more hope. Idk what it is, really, but almost masochistic...

[TaraMaiden]

Settle down there, ms Wet Blanket...

 

Read the first part of the post again I never broke NC...I'm with you 1000%...

Yes you did, complicitly.

She may have been the one to break No Contact, "on numerous occasions", but by virtue of the fact you continued replying - you complied with the break of NC. And thus played into it just as much as she did.

 

As for the "conventional wisdom" part...OF COURSE we are talking about a reconciliation. Isnt that what a dumpee usually wants-be it right or wrong? Thats my point(see bolded)..

If that isn't what she promised when she first broke no contact, and then repeatedly, then you were settling for whatever you could get.

 

And as far as breaking contact if you are really going nuts (and by reading some of these posters repsonses THEY ARE)...My answer is what is the better of two evils?. Continue to drive yourself insane or just communicate and end the BS?

But that's the whole thing, isn't it? it doesn't end the BS.

Take this thread for example.... Classic example of a person feeling all the worse for it. And it's not an isolated case. The responses in the NC Guide thread, are further testimony to that.....

 

This way, if they ignore you, tell you to eff off, or you get their new love interest on the other line, than you can just kill all your hope right then and there and begin to finally move on...Ive seen it happen many times here.

They crush your hope the moment they end it.

That is as clear and unequivocal a signal that they are simply not as into this as 'you' are.

This is why any further contact - either way - has an agenda, an underlying motive. And 9 times out of ten, it's heart-breakingly futile.....

 

Tara, I know you mean well, but many of these people are using NC as a way of holding out hope. To them, so long as they havent been told to eff off they see the door open just a crack. Unlike you, me, or many others they are hoping that absence makes the heart grow fonder. And in the process they are killing themselves. NC is just giving them a bit of false hope, IMO..

 

And there's the heart-crusher, right there.

H0PE.

 

I say this a lot:

"There's no 'i' in team, and all 'Hope' contains, is a big fat 'zero'."

 

Pandora famously and unwittingly released all the furies, ills and evils of the world, when she opened the box consigned to her trust.... she slammed the lid shut to prevent further damage, but only one thing remained in the box: HOPE.

 

However, if you read and mark the story well, it relates how the box contained ALL the furies, evils and ills of the world - not ALL the furies, evils and ills of the world “except one”.... so 'Hope’ is just as much a negative as the rest of them. This is why the word 'Hope' is so often preceded by the word 'false'....Just as it does in your paragraph, above....

 

Hope does nothing but leave a Hole in your heart, and make it bleed longer.

 

Which is why I continue to be the wet blanket I am.

 

And it distresses me to say so, but sadly, I am invariably correct.....

[thefooloftheyear]

Yes you did, complicitly.

She may have been the one to break No Contact, "on numerous occasions", but by virtue of the fact you continued replying - you complied with the break of NC. And thus played into it just as much as she did.

 

No...Unfortunately, its virtually impossible to disappear off the map completely. I have a multi line system in my office and cannot "screen" calls. She called. I answered. I said virtually nothing. End of story...No setback on my part.

 

 

If that isn't what she promised when she first broke no contact, and then repeatedly, then you were settling for whatever you could get.

 

How is telling her not to call again, settling for anything?

 

 

But that's the whole thing, isn't it? it doesn't end the BS.

Take this thread for example.... Classic example of a person feeling all the worse for it. And it's not an isolated case. The responses in the NC Guide thread, are further testimony to that.....

 

And I can recall a recent story of a woman that was posting excessively and really having a hard time. Well, she stalked his FB(essentially breaking NC), saw he was with another woman and got really angry. Proclaimed several times that now she sees "the real" him for what he is can now move on and forget about it. For her, breaking NC killed all hope she had. Who knows, maybe if she still remained in NC then shed still be holding out hope..I dont know.

 

 

They crush your hope the moment they end it.

That is as clear and unequivocal a signal that they are simply not as into this as 'you' are.

This is why any further contact - either way - has an agenda, an underlying motive. And 9 times out of ten, it's heart-breakingly futile.....

 

This is what people hold on to...even though you and I both know its foolish and counterproductive.

 

 

 

And there's the heart-crusher, right there.

H0PE.

 

I say this a lot:

"There's no 'i' in team, and all 'Hope' contains, is a big fat 'zero'."

 

Pandora famously and unwittingly released all the furies, ills and evils of the world, when she opened the box consigned to her trust.... she slammed the lid shut to prevent further damage, but only one thing remained in the box: HOPE.

 

However, if you read and mark the story well, it relates how the box contained ALL the furies, evils and ills of the world - not ALL the furies, evils and ills of the world “except one”.... so 'Hope’ is just as much a negative as the rest of them. This is why the word 'Hope' is so often preceded by the word 'false'....Just as it does in your paragraph, above....

 

Hope does nothing but leave a Hole in your heart, and make it bleed longer.

 

Which is why I continue to be the wet blanket I am.

 

And it distresses me to say so, but sadly, I am invariably correct.....

 

I wish it were easy..I dont have all the answers. Love and broken hearts cause people to do stupid and irrational things with their lives.

 

Get better everyone. in any way you can...

 

TFY

[Seachelle1]

At this point I'm pretty much over my ex. I have to stay away from him, not because of romantic feelings, but because I need to accept friends who treat me better and genuinely love me, not friends who think it's ok to do x, y and z. Honestly, I think for me there's more fallout in this from friend betrayal than romantic betrayal.

 

If he had been decent and kind to me in the breakup and he had worked to diffuse hurt and not inflame it I would gladly be his friend now but he did act like a horrible person and there's no going back.

 

I like the idea of NC being about our own power or "control". I hear some posts of NC that sound like being another way of manipulating or getting revenge on an ex. I feel like that's how my ex used it against me, he was using it to be mean to me I think.

 

True friends are so rare. When I get them, I want to keep them. But he wasn't my true friend, not at all.

[iouaname]

At this point I'm pretty much over my ex. I have to stay away from him, not because of romantic feelings, but because I need to accept friends who treat me better and genuinely love me, not friends who think it's ok to do x, y and z. Honestly, I think for me there's more fallout in this from friend betrayal than romantic betrayal.

 

If he had been decent and kind to me in the breakup and he had worked to diffuse hurt and not inflame it I would gladly be his friend now but he did act like a horrible person and there's no going back.

 

True friends are so rare. When I get them, I want to keep them. But he wasn't my true friend, not at all.

 

This is how I feel exactly. I'm more bitter about the friendship being lost and the positive feelings being lost due to such bad behavior than the relationship being lost.

[Echo000]

power------->control over oneself and their behaviors/actions

 

power is NOT manipulation of OTHERS, just control and respect for oneself.

 

SO when i used the word power in my original post, i meant does the person who breaks no contact first (and therefore initiates dialogue) lose that sense of control over themselves/power. Answer- depends on the person i guess.