Time to move on... Its been a long road...

[7andcounting]

Here is where I guess I should try to give you the thumb nail version of my reasons for wanting a divorce. *I know this is long I'm sorry*

 

Beginning... I have been married for 9 years together, for 12 years with my husband. When we met things were very different, I was a successful single mother to a daughter and he was a successful single guy no kids, but 12 years my senior.

 

He was adorable and so wonderful in regards to everything. Our relationship turned heavy pretty quickly and within 9 months we were living together and married after 2.5 years. Maybe it was just my need for my daughter to have that family life -- his family is huge and amazing... But I missed all the signs. While we were dating I lost contact with most of my friends, we were hanging out, time for me to go out was limited and therefore my friends slowly turned into phone calls and quick how are you conversations. My male friends that I grew up with were point blank "its them or me" "males and females can not have platonic friendships." those relationships ended.

 

After we were married things seemed to go well, each day he would drive me to work, come for lunch and take all the time he could. This continued for years even after I took a job that was 40 miles each way. During this time he would check my cell phone, look at the bill, call phone numbers back. (let me just say here that I have never had an inappropriate relationships of any kind... emotional, physical).

 

Three years into our marriage I put my foot down. This behavior is what I have allowed and I felt like I could make it stop if I grew a back bone. I told him that I need some autonomy, some private time. Things got better over the next year, he saw that it was a total waste of financial resources to visit me for lunch each day, he stopped checking my cell phone. But the demand on my time was still there. He insisted talking to me while I was driving to work and driving home called me 10-15 time a day to "check-in". All of my spare time was still spent with him, my relationships with other people were surface deep because I couldn't commit anything else.

 

This circle has gone on for the last 6 years, he makes changes and then gently goes back into the same pattern. We have been to counseling, individual and couples. He has gotten on anti-anxiety medication. But still his actions are completely uncalled for.

 

Two Septembers ago as I was preparing for an important meeting I got a text message from an old co-worker who works for a competitor (we worked together for 7 years and he is gay **OK relationship in my husbands eyes**) but it was his new cell phone number which I didn't have programmed. When the message came in I knew exactly who it was, but my husband didn't believe me. I sent a response back, then he demanded I ask who it was. He stood in the kitchen hoovering over my phone until Mike responded. At that point I told him I had had enough.

 

This is a continuous cycle... he has lost touch of who he is, my job has intimidated him for years. I work in a male predominate industry, and am surrounded with successful men. So my solution was take him with me, let him meet these folks. He formed relationships and got a little more comfortable, but as I advanced in the company his anxieties grew more and more.

 

I was so tired of dealing with his anxieties of losing me. 9 years into our marriage we have 4 kids total. On the surface our family is perfect (I am sure this is normal). None of our friends know about our problems. In our most recent bout of marriage counseling it was determined that he was narcissistic and had "love addiction" (don't know if thats a real diagnosis). He said that he trusted me and that I hadn't given him any reason to distrust me. He would change his behaviors and give me space in our marriage. Again, a sales pitch I have heard time and time again... He makes little strides, small changes just enough until I am comfortable.

 

Again in September of this year, it came to my attention that when I charge something on my credit card he was requesting copies of the receipts. (several years before I had stopped only buying clothes that he approved of)... He believed I had lied to him because I had bought two dresses and had not told him, an omission is a lie. While I agree with it, I work very hard for our family and can purchase two dresses without a second thought. That coupled with at a recent business dinner where he insisted on saying hello to the people I was with... My opinion is that he wanted to make sure that I was where and with who I had told him. Again I asked for a divorce, but suggested a 6-month trial separation so that he can wrap his head around what is actions say.

 

This all seems so petty, but this cycle just keeps going in the same motion. With the promise that he will stop his behavior, go to work, stop concentrating all of his efforts on me. With the new counselor I thought things were getting better. I had told him I would stay in the house and that I would help him work through the issues while we continued counseling. We quit counseling and things still seemed to be pretty good. Until a few weeks ago...

 

In January it was proposed that my office relocate our family. This was great! We could start fresh, new... he could meet new people, find a job that he felt fulfilled in... In my head it was sh** or get off the pot. In March we determined that our family was best here with all of our relatives and etc. But we had sold our house, were looking for a new one, work was crazy... there was a ton of stuff going on and He had started to exhibit signs of his old behavior. A month ago he started saying that I was pulling away from him emotionally. We had several conversations, the house, work, time, behavior. My answers were not sufficient apparently and again he went through my phone while I was sleeping.

 

I wouldn't have known but he deleted an email from by boss that I needed for the morning. So I asked him... He admitted that he went through it because I was pulling away from him emotionally so if I was not telling him the reason then I would be telling my girlfriends. There is nothing to find on my phone, no text messages from men, and my text messages with my girlfriends are about play dates and sewing projects. But he went through messages going back to November, not just two weeks.

 

For the 3rd time I asked for a divorce. The timing is uncanny, our house is sold, we made a great profit, we can split 50/50 and divorce. But he will not give up. In the last three weeks I have found out that his once successful business had dwindled into nothing, he makes 16k a year. He stopped working to be home with me (I have worked from home for several years now).

 

Through all of this (even thought it sounds petty) I have lost feelings for him. I love him for who he is, my husband, but that's it. I am angry and bitter that he has lost total sight of who he was when we met, he has no drive, no interests, no friends and has truly isolated me from other people.

 

We have amazing kids, we get along so well when his anxieties and emotions are in check. I have stayed for all of these years because he is a dynamic person with so much potential. But, no matter how hard I try I can't find the enduring qualities of that person I met. Begging, pleading, working... none of it has worked.

 

He foiled the sale of the house, our buyers walks... I think it was intentional. I suggested separation again thinking that it might make it easier. But he says that he won't be able to make the changes if I am not supporting him. He won't move out, cant afford another place on his own. I feel like I am stuck.

 

Yesterday I told him that I needed a drop dead date. I needed a time frame, that I would be here to support him while he made the changes in his life so that he could move forward more positively. In my head I had October, he asked for January 2 to get through the holidays. That's 9 months... 9 long months. My fear is that I am going to blink my eyes and it will be 2017 and we will still have the same toxic pattern in our marriage.

 

Do people really change after years and years of asking or should I just wait until January when he is in a more stable place. I just can't stand the sales pitch on everything he is going to do to make things right. I have heard them for years. But also the comments like "your feelings might change" "if we separate, I am afraid you will like life more without me."

 

For me I am tired, emotionally, mentally and just need to have an end to this. But in my heart I hate to see him hurting. This process has been so difficult that I need advice... Do people change... Do the feelings of love return? I truly don't like how he has become an obsessive person when it comes to me. I know its partly my fault... I kept thinking the "honeymoon" phase would end... Sadly the "honeymoon" phase is my nightmare...

 

Any advice

[GuyInLimbo]

"Do people really change after years and years of asking or should I just wait until January when he is in a more stable place."

 

No. And NO! Why the HELL are you allowing HIM to dictate what you do? He's a control freak who has smothered you since day one. Stop worrying about what he will do. Get out and save your sanity.

 

I read something VERY telling yesterday, which is helping me get to my "drop dead date." It said there will never be a "good" time. Something always pops up. You just have to pick a time and do it.

 

People like that will not and do not change. He's already shown you this multiple times. And, no, once you reach a certain point, feelings don't come back. He's been pushing you away and smothering you for years. He needs a major wake-up call here. File now and force his hand. He can get 3 part time jobs flipping burgers if he has to. There's jobs out there.

 

But you need to get away from this freak.

[pteromom]

I don't know, but I would change your part in these toxic patterns NOW. Change your cell phone bill to your work address or a PO Box so he can't look at it. Change all your passwords so he can't look at anything of yours online.

 

Don't play into him calling you constantly or needing validation. Tell him that he is only to call you if there is an emergency.

 

Do what you want to do. Tell him "I'm going out with my girlfriend" and GO. If he flips a breaker about it, let him do it and don't get sucked into the drama. It's HIS issue, not yours.

 

Rather than expecting him to make a permanent change, take control of your boundaries so he has no ammunition. He's gotten into this place where he gets temporary relief from anxiety by assuring that you aren't hiding anything from him and that you are where you are supposed to be. Take that relief away from him and force him to deal with his issues.

[7andcounting]

"Do people really change after years and years of asking or should I just wait until January when he is in a more stable place."

 

No. And NO! Why the HELL are you allowing HIM to dictate what you do? He's a control freak who has smothered you since day one. Stop worrying about what he will do. Get out and save your sanity.

 

I read something VERY telling yesterday, which is helping me get to my "drop dead date." It said there will never be a "good" time. Something always pops up. You just have to pick a time and do it.

 

People like that will not and do not change. He's already shown you this multiple times. And, no, once you reach a certain point, feelings don't come back. He's been pushing you away and smothering you for years. He needs a major wake-up call here. File now and force his hand. He can get 3 part time jobs flipping burgers if he has to. There's jobs out there.

 

But you need to get away from this freak.

 

I can't figure if I am a coward or what. But I had the same thought in mind... Divorce is like pregnancy, the timing is never right.

 

My biggest fear is the kids, what will they think if I jump ship and leave dad floundering. Will they view me differently.

 

In addition the one thing I was able to hold on to was my job, I travel quite a bit and need a sane person to keep the kids.

 

Bottom line is that I know these are all excuses. I sit and I feel pity when he talks about how awful his life will be. And that pity is what has kept this going for this long. I just need to grow a pair.

[7andcounting]

I don't know, but I would change your part in these toxic patterns NOW. Change your cell phone bill to your work address or a PO Box so he can't look at it. Change all your passwords so he can't look at anything of yours online.

 

Don't play into him calling you constantly or needing validation. Tell him that he is only to call you if there is an emergency.

 

Do what you want to do. Tell him "I'm going out with my girlfriend" and GO. If he flips a breaker about it, let him do it and don't get sucked into the drama. It's HIS issue, not yours.

 

Rather than expecting him to make a permanent change, take control of your boundaries so he has no ammunition. He's gotten into this place where he gets temporary relief from anxiety by assuring that you aren't hiding anything from him and that you are where you are supposed to be. Take that relief away from him and force him to deal with his issues.

 

I have in a sense done this. My office took over my cell phone a few years ago, which he was so resistant about. But he can no longer check those things. I think that's why he reverted to my purchases.

 

I have started going out more often and not accepting his calls when he calls. When I travel, I talk with the kids and talk to him when its necessary. No more middle of the night phone calls to my room and I generally don't return text messages unless its kid related.

 

The problem is that his issues are not gender specific... He is jealous of all relationships. To the point that he has to be involved in them to feel included or something. I just can't figure it out at all.... I have tried to ask so I could at least justify it to myself in some way. But he offers no explanation.

[Darren Steez]

He will never change..even if he tries he still falls back into his old ways. I would proceed very carefully but firmly with how you deal with him. His need for control might spiral into something else if he feels he's losing it

[GuyInLimbo]

 

My biggest fear is the kids, what will they think if I jump ship and leave dad floundering. Will they view me differently.

 

 

And what are they going to think when their mother stays with a loser, deadbeat control freak? And how do you feel about them REPEATING WHAT YOU DID? This is what happens. Your kids will think this is OK on some level. And they'll get together with someone just as destructive. THAT should be your motivation for getting away from this guy. TEACH THEM what a healthy relationship looks like and also when to get away from an unhealthy one.

 

He's a grown man. If he can't support himself, that's NOT your problem or responsibility.

[trippi1432]

Just to keep the threads together as I don't think there was a response on this one yet.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/389571-crazy-rollercoaster-finally-put-my-foot-down-husband-attemted-suicide

 

7 - what's happened since you posted this yesterday?

[7andcounting]

Just to keep the threads together as I don't think there was a response on this one yet.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/389571-crazy-rollercoaster-finally-put-my-foot-down-husband-attemted-suicide

 

7 - what's happened since you posted this yesterday?

 

I tried to explain that the decision to at least try separation made it to where I would stay for a certain period of time so that he can get his act together. He chose Jan 2nd, and kept insisting that my feelings would change in that period of time. I specified that on Jan. 2nd we would make a decision on how to move forward being two INDIVIDUALS.

 

He flipped out and I just stood my ground. I left and came home to a man who had taken pills and drank so much that I had to call 911. Our daughter saw the whole thing.

 

He left and came back today but will be staying at his parents house. Now he is resolved to the fact that changes have to be made. But is still touting that my feelings MIGHT change in the process of him making changes.

 

I dont know what to do... I am lost in terms of what is the right thing. But I know that I do not want to be married to him. I do want him to make the adjustments for himself and the kids.

 

I think finally I took control back and stood my ground and he flipped his noodle... I don't have any other response. I will continue to be consistent though. Its hard as hell, but its the only way I think this will continue to move forward. And we both deserve it even though he does not see it.

[trippi1432]

7 - I don't know what advice I could give in your situation because it is extremely delicate. It's obvious that your husband has extreme possessiveness issues and based on your 3rd paragraph in your opening post, it was obvious from the beginning. However, the norm during the "honeymoon" phase of any new relationship, people tend to lose touch with others outside of the relationship as it is being established, so it's easy to overlook this.

 

I'm sure his perspective of the relationship is extreme opposite of yours; however, pulling such a stunt is manipulation. Hopefully he gets the help he needs.