Question for BSs...

[Goodbye]

Did it matter to you what was the nature of the affair? Or was it more like "adultery is adultery" and you figured out whether or not reconciliation was feasible based on that? Did it matter to you if your spouse had professed his/her love to his her AP? Did your spouse claim that "it was just sex" or "it didn't really mean anything" only to find out that the OW/OM had a much different take? Would this have changed your desire/ability to reconcile?

[Decorative]

Did it matter to you what was the nature of the affair? Or was it more like "adultery is adultery" and you figured out whether or not reconciliation was feasible based on that? Did it matter to you if your spouse had professed his/her love to his her AP? Did your spouse claim that "it was just sex" or "it didn't really mean anything" only to find out that the OW/OM had a much different take? Would this have changed your desire/ability to reconcile?

 

Actually?

 

If he said it didn't really mean anything, at the time of discovery - I am not sure I ever would have decided to reconcile. As it was, it took me almost six months to let him come home and reconcile. And he was very entangled with her. Not in a healthy dynamic, to be sure. But entangled emotionally as well as physically.

 

Because the amount of pain inflicted on me- if it could be dismissed or explained as not meaning anything at that moment?

 

Oy. Harming me for a cheap thrill.

[Athens]

No, none of that played into my decision to reconcile. What is important is that he remain faithful and heal from what lead to the affair in the first place.

[ComingInHot]

His claims, her takes...

What it boiled down to for me was his regret, remorse and desire to correct change his behavior.

I got an earfull from both of them. Some of it true and some of it lies...

 

The thing that helped was he wanted forgiveness and a second chance.

He got it after I let him back home.

 

He'll not get a third*

[Athens]

I agree paperangel, the ow was totally irrelevant to me as well, and still would be if she did not intrude so often. Maybe that's why she does it, to stay relevant who knows, but honestly she as a person is a non issue to me, it's her actions. On DDay, I was only concerned about my husband and my marriage and those were the only factors effecting reconciliation decisions.

[Journee]

The circumstances surrounding the A had everything to do with mine and his desire to reconcile. The A actually woke us both up and has made us closer than we had been in a long time. We were actually separated at the time for non A issues. We were trying to reconcile but were both holding resentments. H felt rejected and I was unreasonably stubborn. We both thought we were right. Him dealing with the OW made him see what was out there. Lies.

 

He could had continued to live apart from me and we could had finished filling the D papers. Instead he begged to come home. His was not a love affair. I believe he craved the attention I took away during our year long separation. I was afraid to give my all and so was he. That all changed with DDay. All we wanted.was one another. We have since had another child and moved into a new place.

 

If he would had been seeing OW while I thought we were happily together, living under the same roof....I'm not sure where we would be. If he would had been inlove with OW I think I would had filed immediately. He did make the statement that she meant nothing and I was the one he wanted all along. I don't understand the sentiment but I do know he chose me and that says a lot to me. We were already separated and not living and acting as a married couple. It would had been easy to continue down that path. He chose to put in the work with me.

 

Every situation is different and LS has made that clear to me. Any answers you will get here will most certainly be subjective. Not marriages are shams and ruined. Two imperfect individuals trying to make it through. Through all the rough patches ,temptation ,bruised egos. Make it back through to what really matters.

 

Not all A's are the same either. They are born from different circumstances but the common denominator is often times pain and wreckage. Out of the wreckage can come some deep reflection from all sides. Sometimes a marriage can evolve and change along with the people and stand even after a betrayal. It was worth the work for us.

[waterwoman]

Hard to say. It's the only affair I have ever been the victim of (and yes, I use that phraseology advisedly). I have said that I'd have been happier if it was sexual and he didn't love her, but I don't know If that is true in reality. All I know for sure is that being with a man for 30 years and knowing he chose to get close and love another woman is overwhelming, life-changing and agonising. I gave him all of me, body and heart. I have felt utterly rejected at times. I don't know if I will get over it. Infidelity is utterly destructive. That is all I can tell you:(

[HappyAtLast]

I believe though, if I may, that the original poster was referring more to the OW's take on the relationship, with regard to what the wandering spouse might have told HER, vs what he might have told the betrayed spouse. Hence, the question regarding the OW's perception of the relationship.

[Journee]

I believe though, if I may, that the original poster was referring more to the OW's take on the relationship, with regard to what the wandering spouse might have told HER, vs what he might have told the betrayed spouse. Hence, the question regarding the OW's perception of the relationship.

 

Maybe I misunderstood. There were several questions asked and seemed to be directed at BS's. So, I chimed in . I couldn't possibly answer for the OW. The thread title lead me to believe BS input was requested.

 

OP, sorry if I did in fact misunderstand.

[Decorative]

I believe though, if I may, that the original poster was referring more to the OW's take on the relationship, with regard to what the wandering spouse might have told HER, vs what he might have told the betrayed spouse. Hence, the question regarding the OW's perception of the relationship.

 

Ah.

 

Well- I read a large amount of their communication. I think I am clear on where they stood. I saw both side of their conversations, as well as talked to her family members who had been around them together.

 

I don't think the OW could tell me anything that would surprise me. Her big attempt at a zinger to me after was information I was already aware of ( concerning my children).

 

I think I am comfortable with my answer.

[HappyAtLast]

Decorative - you clearly saw both sides of the coin, as it were. That makes a big difference, I think.

[Goodbye]

Thank you all so far.

[HappyAtLast]

Her perception is still irrelevant to my decision. I don't care what she thought, what she believed, what she was told.

 

I can understand not caring what she thought or believed, but I've never heard of anyone not caring what their spouse told the other person. Interesting.

 

edited: to clarify, I am not trying to be critical. I did not care what my then-spouse told her affair partner either all those years ago when I was a BS, but I also never truly reconciled with her either.

[SidLyon]

Did it matter to you what was the nature of the affair? Or was it more like "adultery is adultery" and you figured out whether or not reconciliation was feasible based on that? Did it matter to you if your spouse had professed his/her love to his her AP? Did your spouse claim that "it was just sex" or "it didn't really mean anything" only to find out that the OW/OM had a much different take? Would this have changed your desire/ability to reconcile?

 

During my time here on LS I've often noticed that some OW seem to have the view that:

 

"The BW wouldn't have decided to reconcile if she'd only known that:

- Her WH really loved the OW

- It was more than just sex

- The WH planned to leave the BW

- The WH said terrible things about the BW

- There was more than one affair with more than one OW

- The OW had been in the BW's home for sex

- *Insert horrible betrayal/deceit of your choice*"

 

Sometimes the OW then goes on to speculate that therefore the BW must remain in ignorance.

 

In my case, none of these made any difference to our decision to reconcile. It wasn't the nature of the affair that was the determinant, but the nature of our relationship and marriage. Specifically for him, it was whether he loved me, the level of his remorse and his willingness to do what it takes to reconcile. For me it was something similar combined with my ability to get past the dreadful betrayal.

 

What the OW was told or believed was irrelevant to our decision to reconcile, (which is not the same as me saying I don't care what she was told).

Edited April 27, 2013 by SidLyon

[dichotomy]

Yes it mattered the type of affair and why I stayed. Staying is not the same as reconciling however.

 

This is a over simplification of the whole story - but essentially my wife continued an emotional connection (affair) with a ex into our relationship.

 

At the time, I determined with a reasonable certainty - it did not include sex and was not an overly frequent connection. But there was serious emotional attachment - glue left over. So I decided not to end the marriage back then......also in part because NC was started - but I would have (and would still) if I found there was any outside sex involved at any point in our own relationship.

 

However because of the deceit and disrespect, we have yet to fully reconciled (repaired) the whole mess. Some progress has been made, and I hope more soon.

Edited April 27, 2013 by dichotomy

[LoveBitesButSoDoI]

Over a decade ago I was cheated on by my live-in boyfriend, I caught him cheating because something told me to go into his email, woman's intuition, I guess. So I did & saw an email from a girl saying, I love you sweetheart.

 

Found out, he met her while on a job. When we decided to reconcile, I didn't need to know all the details. I sort of brushed it off as a new fling, something he wasn't too involved in. And if he was willing to give her up so easily, in my mind I didn't care too much about her. Plus I saw her and she wasn't all that & a bag of chips, lol...so yeah, I wasn't worried.

 

Once she was out of the picture, to me she was gone. I guess it helped that I made him call her on speaker in front of me & dump her. Hearing her scream, "YOU EFFIN A-HOLE" was good enough for me!

 

Edited April 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Furious]

Did it matter to you what was the nature of the affair? Or was it more like "adultery is adultery" and you figured out whether or not reconciliation was feasible based on that? Did it matter to you if your spouse had professed his/her love to his her AP? Did your spouse claim that "it was just sex" or "it didn't really mean anything" only to find out that the OW/OM had a much different take? Would this have changed your desire/ability to reconcile?

 

 

On my d-day I handed my husband his suitcase and wished him well.

 

The nature of the affair was irrelevant to me, what concerned me was the lies and secrecy. Affairs are affairs, and only the naive would not think there were "I love you" and promises thrown into the mix.

 

I really couldn't care less what the OW believed or didn't believe, or what take she had in the affair. I didn't sign up to be in a triangle and as soon I discovered the affair I took myself right out of that triangle.

 

Reconciliation was not even in my radar once I discovered the affair and my only objective was moving forward toward divorce and living an authentic life.

 

Ironically, my husband moved mountains to win me back. He faced himself in the mirror, sought individual counselling and had to own his selfishness and entitlement. Sad but true, the only person the WS loves while living a double life is themselves.

 

I urge all betrayed spouses and OW to realize that they are worth more than a half of a relationship and that they value themselves as opposed to looking for someone to value them.

[sunshine63]

This is an interesting question. And I am in kind of a unique position in that I can answer from the point of view of being a BS and an OW. Yep, been there – done that -- both ways!

 

Did it matter to you what was the nature of the affair?

 

As a BS, you bet it mattered. I could forget and move on from a drunken one night stand. My husband had a three year affair with another woman during our marriage. It was emotionally and physically intense. He said he didn’t love her, he loves me, she never really meant anything to him, he didn’t know what he was thinking, what made him do it…blah...blah...blah. Well, I did not give him the option of reconciling. I divorced him immediately. Giving him credit, he took some time for himself. However, that was seven years ago and he is still with this woman. He genuinely loves her and they are so much better together than we ever were. And enough time has passed I have come to accept her (and even kinda *gulp* like her) because I am happier, too.

 

Or was it more like "adultery is adultery" and you figured out whether or not reconciliation was feasible based on that?

 

No. As a BS my definition of adultery did not matter one way or the other. My husband tried to reconcile with me. I had no interest after he had checked out of the marriage for years and spent that time with, and in love with, and other woman. He had plenty of chances to work on our marriage and he chose not to until he was painted into the proverbial corner and had to figure a way out. I made the decision for him and filed divorce. He has since thanked me for it.

 

Did it matter to you if your spouse had professed his/her love to his her AP?

 

He said he never loved her. I knew he was lying. Men don’t keep going back for three years if there “ain’t nothin’ there.” They move on to something new and different.

 

Did your spouse claim that "it was just sex" or "it didn't really mean anything" only to find out that the OW/OM had a much different take?

 

Yes, he made those claims. I don’t know what he OW thought. When the crap hit the fan she was gracious and made no contact whatsoever. She was no “bunnie boiler,” thank God! As I said earlier, they have been together seven years since we divorced and they are truly happy. I am certain she loved him too (and still does).

 

Would this have changed your desire/ability to reconcile?

 

The OW had no influence on my desire to reconcile one way or the other. I had no desire to reconcile, and it had nothing to do with her, or her feelings. My husband was the only one I was factoring in.

[Spark1111]

Did it matter to you what was the nature of the affair? Or was it more like "adultery is adultery" and you figured out whether or not reconciliation was feasible based on that? Did it matter to you if your spouse had professed his/her love to his her AP? Did your spouse claim that "it was just sex" or "it didn't really mean anything" only to find out that the OW/OM had a much different take? Would this have changed your desire/ability to reconcile?

 

deception and lying, whether for one. Night or years is pretty devastating to any romantic relationship, so I don't think that would matter.

 

I know she loved him and he certainly did not dissuade her from all that adoration. In fact, he kind of fed into it to keep those feel great feelings a'coming.

 

he did try to minimize it all, but I had already stolen and read all the cell phone bills, bank statements, and the emails he forgot to delete and the texts that kept coming.

 

So, I knew the truth, the length and duration and all the promises and most of the chats they were having within a few days of DDay.

 

I showed him the door and wished them well promising to divorce amicably and not interfere with his relationship with his children.

 

Doubt he ever told her that. I felt sorry for her because I could sense he broke her heart and she was just being waaaaay to good about it all; too kind, too nice, waiting in the wings to see if he would choose her.

 

My decision to reconcile, months later when he had been living like a vagabond, and that included three weeks with her, was that he was remorseful, desperate, depressed, begging and willing to do whatever was asked, whatever it took to regain my trust.

 

I still had a suitcase packed and a divorce lawyer on speed dial for TWO YEARS before I settled down.

 

I know some BS might take them back, no questions asked, but I, and more like me, are just not built that way.

 

And I feel sorry for Ow who think we did not demand and get the details of your affair; who believe we let him crawl back home without demanding MAJOR changes from HIM within himself and how he treats us and cherishes today the marriage.

 

because two things occur to me: the way he lied about us? well, he tried to do that about you and most of us weren't having it....no matter what you may believe....

 

And, sorry if this hurts, it is not intended to, but the majority of BS who moved swiftly to divorce? Their former WSs RARELY wound up with the AP who precipitated the end of the marriage.

 

maybe because of shame or a reminder of the failure of the marriage, so many move onto another partner.

 

And I am not sure why that is.....

[underwater2010]

Did it matter to you what was the nature of the affair? Or was it more like "adultery is adultery" and you figured out whether or not reconciliation was feasible based on that?

 

It was a little bit of both in my case (BW). The main factor for me was that it was over before I even figured it out. But the big factor in reconciliation was my FWH deciding whether he still wanted to be married or not. He had his chance to walk if he wanted to. FYI it was an EA (though I hesitate to even call it that) with an episode of kissing.

 

Did it matter to you if your spouse had professed his/her love to his her AP?

 

That would have killed me. But I am one of the lucky few that there were no ILYs or planning to leave either marriage.

 

Did your spouse claim that "it was just sex" or "it didn't really mean anything" only to find out that the OW/OM had a much different take?

 

Nope. Both were bored with the mundane lives. I am a little bit more lucky in that my FWH still wanted sex with me. MOW's BH has been told sex during the day was for hookers or affairs. Not sure how I would have responded to that.

 

Would this have changed your desire/ability to reconcile?

 

I think the only things that would have changed my desire and ability regarding his former affair would have been the ILYs or lets leave. It would kill reconciliation if he would engage in another affair.

 

 

Responses are in bold.

[ComingInHot]

Goodbye,

Good morning*

Do You feel it should matter?

[Goodbye]

Goodbye,

Good morning*

Do You feel it should matter?

 

Good question. I guess I feel it should matter. For me it would not, I think. I think the combination of lies and broken vows would do it for me.

[Journee]

Good question. I guess I feel it should matter. For me it would not, I think. I think the combination of lies and broken vows would do it for me.

 

I guess for you , your answer would be adultery is adultery. For yourself I mean. Given you were a BS (I hope you never are).

 

I said the same thing. This thread is full of examples of A's that are so vastly different. Some lasting weeks to years. Some love affairs alone. Some physically charged.

 

I see many AP's that talk of the intensity of their love and sex with the MP. How hard it is to let go of someone they have such a connection with. Don't you (general) think that the BS had that with MP too? That at some point/even still/regardless of etc. the BS still has deep love for the wayward. For many it's not all black and white. The A love is valid to the AP. Is real and a big part of their life. The same holds true for BSs. I know nothing is absolute. I know for my H and I , the love has always been intense. Dramatic at times but intense and intoxicating. AP's struggle with letting go. Imagine if the person whom you burn for came to you wanting to share a life with you. Regardless of the drama surrounding, it's very difficult to let go. Some can.

 

I dunno, to each their own. One thing I have learned from this is to never expect a perfect stranger to act as you would. I still struggle with that simple truth.

 

Good luck OP.

Edited April 27, 2013 by Journee

[Aurora1]

It's all a big deal. Everything said, done, not done, not said. Lies upon lies are a huge deal. Most obviously have feelings, think they are in love. Truth is they are addicted, and the actions of someone addicted are not rational-and it shows in what they say and do. Unfortunately, there are too many people willing to help with the addiction. My wayward's friends decided to hand him the "crack pipe" (enabled his affair), but his kids (grown) still refuse to communicate with him. Consequences. BTW, he has also become an alcoholic.