emuchic Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 Serial Monogamous (my sister say's i've been in a relationship for the past 15 years of my life) who is for the first time ever in the "dating scene"... and not really having much luck. Single since October (longest time I've ever been single). After a bad breakup, decided to wet my feet very slowly. Started with OLD in January, finally agreed to a few dates in March and April (OLD and IRL) Here's the thing... it's not working, and I can't figure out why!! Been on a few first dates. All went pretty well after the initial 15 minutes of awkwardness. But never get a text or phone-call follow-up... it's weird. For the record, I have not been physical with anyone (not so much as a goodnight kiss). While on the date I can tell they are enamoured from their body language and their eye-contact. Some asking me out again straight away, others mentioning plans for events in a few months time (i.e. US Open). But then, poof. nothing. Silence. The only way I'm consoling myself is thinking maybe these men weren't serious, maybe they were looking to hook up. Dating in your 30's isn't easy, there is a whole set of rules out there that I am clearly oblivious to. Would like to think I'm educated, intelligent, attractive, easy to talk to, humble, and a "great catch" (or so i've been told). What gives? Any tips or advice?
BluEyeL Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 Serial Monogamous (my sister say's i've been in a relationship for the past 15 years of my life) who is for the first time ever in the "dating scene"... and not really having much luck. Single since October (longest time I've ever been single). After a bad breakup, decided to wet my feet very slowly. Started with OLD in January, finally agreed to a few dates in March and April (OLD and IRL) Here's the thing... it's not working, and I can't figure out why!! Been on a few first dates. All went pretty well after the initial 15 minutes of awkwardness. But never get a text or phone-call follow-up... it's weird. For the record, I have not been physical with anyone (not so much as a goodnight kiss). While on the date I can tell they are enamoured from their body language and their eye-contact. Some asking me out again straight away, others mentioning plans for events in a few months time (i.e. US Open). But then, poof. nothing. Silence. The only way I'm consoling myself is thinking maybe these men weren't serious, maybe they were looking to hook up. Dating in your 30's isn't easy, there is a whole set of rules out there that I am clearly oblivious to. Would like to think I'm educated, intelligent, attractive, easy to talk to, humble, and a great catch. What gives? Any tips or advice? I've had similar experiences, usually with these, where there is attraction that I can feel strongly, and then they poof, it is because you give the vibe that you are not easy to take to bed. In fact, I'm glad that you confirm my experience. A lot of men on OLD are looking for easy sex. At first, I wasn't moving beyond first date, but after some experience I learned how to move to the second date, but after that they're still poofing, for the reasons stated above. They are doing you a favor, but it's still somewhat depressing and disheartening. Just know it's not that you are not attractive, you give the vibe that you want something serious. Someone who is looking for similar will come down the road and will pursue you beyond first, second and third date. Tips to move to second date (if that's what you want): mirror their body language. If they lean towards you, lean towards them, if not, you lean the way they lean, if the touch you on the arm, you touch them too, keep strong eye contact if they have strong eye contact (it indicates strong sexual interest). Give a full body hug at the end. Don't talk too much, encourage them to talk about subjects that interest them and, when you answer their questions keep yours short and simple (KISS principle). These tecniques always give me second dates if there is physical attraction, but I usually don't move to third, I can fool them just once Nevertheless, these are some ways to conduct the dates. Good luck! Let us know how it goes. 1
Gottabestrong Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 There could be many reasons for this. I think you should explain the details of a date that you think went well, and maybe we can see something that explains why you don't get follow-up calls. 1
Poppy fields Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 You don't mention you are a serial monogamist on these first dates, I hope.
Author emuchic Posted April 26, 2013 Author Posted April 26, 2013 Nope, no mention of being a serial monogamous on my dates- don't bring up the subject of ex's or past relationships, afterall it is a first date. Ok, here's an example: 36 y/o producer/writer have been talking for about 2 months (phone, FB, txt) First Date: Drinks at a very stylish wine bar w. sexy atmosphere. I wore: Strapless Denim Dress to the knee, heels, leather jacket He wore: jeans and a plaid tee *I was 25 minutes late (but did give him warning that i'd be late) Greeted him with a kiss on the cheek. After the awkward few minutes where we decided on what to drink staring at our menus and stealing glances at each other... the conversation started flowing. Talked about everything: from work- travels, animals, family, city-life, etc. We both made tons of jokes and were laughing ALOT! Great eye-contact. While sitting across from each other he asked me out for the weekend, but told him already had plans. Mentioned more than once that next time he'd venture to my neighborhood for our next date. After 2 hrs, told him I should get going- excused myself to the bathroom- when I got back he had got the check already. Stepped out of the bar, he mentioned he lived "right there, right around the corner". Walked me to my car... we both were nervous for the goodbye- seems he was deliberating a kiss or no kiss- I gave him a kiss on the cheek and then got in my car. Kicked myself for not offering to drive him home, plus didn't want the date to end. So called him 1 minute later and asked if he'd show me around his neighborhood. He was super excited that I asked him for a walk. We walked to the pier- sat on the benches, talked- it was lovely. He taught me about podcasts (dont laugh) and then after we were both freezing walked me to my car, thanked me for "extending our date" and hugged goodbye. Next day, texted him that I still didn't get how podcasts were any different to listening to a program on the radio. He texted something back to that effect. Since then... Nada. Nothing. 1
BluEyeL Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 I cannot be sure about what I say, but I think this is in line with my idea, you give "monogamous" vibes. Him saying that he "lives right around the corner" sounds to me like a possible invitation to his place, you didn't bite. When you asked him to extend, he was excited that maybe... Now, the first date was too long. You have to end your dates when it feels good and you don't want to go, because you leave him wanting more as well and he'll invite you back. So do not extend the date next time, even if it's great. At the end you have to feel like you parted too early rather than be bored. 1
Author emuchic Posted April 26, 2013 Author Posted April 26, 2013 @BluEyeL: good to know you've had similar experiences. you are absolutely right, they are doing us a favour! the fullbody hug is awkward for me, really. not sure how to get over that. doesn't help that i'm 5'10", ha. 1
Author emuchic Posted April 26, 2013 Author Posted April 26, 2013 I cannot be sure about what I say, but I think this is in line with my idea, you give "monogamous" vibes. Him saying that he "lives right around the corner" sounds to me like a possible invitation to his place, you didn't bite. When you asked him to extend, he was excited that maybe... Now, the first date was too long. You have to end your dates when it feels good and you don't want to go, because you leave him wanting more as well and he'll invite you back. So do not extend the date next time, even if it's great. At the end you have to feel like you parted too early rather than be bored. Hm... yeah, I seem to be an "extender". I've done that a few times. I'm more comfortable outdoors as opposed to sitting across from one another, feel more in my element and alot less awkward. So am always happy to go for a walk/drive/etc. it's a chance for me to shine. Want to laugh? One first date texted me after I left asking if I wanted a "Platonic Sleepover". Sheesh. Initially really liked him, he blew it. He apologized saying it was Dude Complex, everything goes back to sex. 1
BluEyeL Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 @BluEyeL: good to know you've had similar experiences. you are absolutely right, they are doing us a favour! the fullbody hug is awkward for me, really. not sure how to get over that. doesn't help that i'm 5'10", ha. I'll share one very similar experience. Met this guy in January for dinner at at Thai restaurant, I was very attracted to him, he complimented me, strong eye contact, touched me on the arm continuously. After 2h, he said "let's go somewhere else". Unfortunately for him, he was not from my town (I live in a small town and usually my dates have to drive to me), and I took him to a coffee house where we spent another 1.5 h. As he drove me back to my car, which we left in the parking lot of the first restaurant, he seemed a bit annoyed I got a second date from this one. At the end of the second date, he said "I had a great time, do you want to do it again?". I answered: "yes, but let's do something else other than dinner" and he replied "we can do THAT too". I said: "no, no, no, I didn't mean THAT". He of course poofed 1
Author emuchic Posted April 26, 2013 Author Posted April 26, 2013 so what kind of timeline should i be looking at for post-first date communication? 1 day- 1 week? my brother told me if he had a great date he'll text a girl almost immediately thanking her & telling her he had an awesome time. My ex-boyfriend texted a girl a few hours after dropping her off to thank her for a wonderful evening (while we were still dating, ha. hilarious)
BluEyeL Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 And you know why I got a second date from him? After the first date, we messaged a bit and I mentioned I made tiramisu over the weekend. He said, send me a piece, and I answered "Gee, the post office is closed now, but first thing tomorrow morning:laugh:" He answered "does this mean I'm not getting any?" and I said "I don't know you well enough to answer that question". he said "shall we meet again to find out?". And that's why I got a second date, to see if he can get "any", he didn't get, he asked if he can get it next time and I said nope Classics. 1
BluEyeL Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 so what kind of timeline should i be looking at for post-first date communication? 1 day- 1 week? my brother told me if he had a great date he'll text a girl almost immediately thanking her & telling her he had an awesome time. My ex-boyfriend texted a girl a few hours after dropping her off to thank her for a wonderful evening (while we were still dating, ha. hilarious) Yes, immediate text or next day, maximum 2 days.
ddc579 Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 so what kind of timeline should i be looking at for post-first date communication? 1 day- 1 week? my brother told me if he had a great date he'll text a girl almost immediately thanking her & telling her he had an awesome time. My ex-boyfriend texted a girl a few hours after dropping her off to thank her for a wonderful evening (while we were still dating, ha. hilarious) Coming from the guy's perspective, I will always follow-up either that night or the next day at the very latest. I know it's frustrating (especially as someone who has also struggled getting past that first date threshold), so I can sympathize!
Author emuchic Posted April 26, 2013 Author Posted April 26, 2013 so after 2 days... what to do? just take their communication with a grain of salt? And if a guy doesn't text immediately or next day- does that mean he's not interested? but these guys that go "poof" I say, good riddance! Now if only I could convince my mind to say the same.... haha.
ddc579 Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 so after 2 days... what to do? just take their communication with a grain of salt? And if a guy doesn't text immediately or next day- does that mean he's not interested? but these guys that go "poof" I say, good riddance! Now if only I could convince my mind to say the same.... haha. I wouldn't necessarily say to take their communication with a grain of salt, nor that it automatically means they're not interested. (If I've learned anything from dating, it's that there are no absolutes) There can theoretically be extenuating circumstances that you'd never know about. In general though (at least for me), follow-up communication is normally within a day or two, mainly because I want to keep the momentum going too.
BluEyeL Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 so after 2 days... what to do? just take their communication with a grain of salt? And if a guy doesn't text immediately or next day- does that mean he's not interested? but these guys that go "poof" I say, good riddance! Now if only I could convince my mind to say the same.... haha. If he doesn't communicate within two days, they are not interested. You could send him a message if you want, and see what he says, but in my experience that never goes well. I did that before, my guy responded, but responded commentary, i.e. 'the weather is nice', that was my closure that he's not interested. The worst it could happen is that he does ask you out again but he poofes after, so more of a waste of your time. Let him go mentally and on to the next. 1
BluEyeL Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 It might take you a while to find the right guy, unless you are lucky, which I hope you are.
Poppy fields Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 Well, you sound cute as a button to me. Too bad I am not single. Or a dude. 1
Necris Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 Serial Monogamous (my sister say's i've been in a relationship for the past 15 years of my life) who is for the first time ever in the "dating scene"... and not really having much luck. Single since October (longest time I've ever been single). After a bad breakup, decided to wet my feet very slowly. Started with OLD in January, finally agreed to a few dates in March and April (OLD and IRL) Here's the thing... it's not working, and I can't figure out why!! Been on a few first dates. All went pretty well after the initial 15 minutes of awkwardness. But never get a text or phone-call follow-up... it's weird. For the record, I have not been physical with anyone (not so much as a goodnight kiss). While on the date I can tell they are enamoured from their body language and their eye-contact. Some asking me out again straight away, others mentioning plans for events in a few months time (i.e. US Open). But then, poof. nothing. Silence. The only way I'm consoling myself is thinking maybe these men weren't serious, maybe they were looking to hook up. Dating in your 30's isn't easy, there is a whole set of rules out there that I am clearly oblivious to. Would like to think I'm educated, intelligent, attractive, easy to talk to, humble, and a "great catch" (or so i've been told). What gives? Any tips or advice? I'm a guy and have had similar experiences, Never had a 2nd date in my entire life. The women always seem like they are enjoying themselves, thank me for the date, and then poof they are gone. So I kind of know the feeling. Not sure I can give any advice though.
Author emuchic Posted April 26, 2013 Author Posted April 26, 2013 @necris: maybe.... they are waiting for you to call/text? which brings me back to my original post, ha.
Necris Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 @necris: maybe.... they are waiting for you to call/text? which brings me back to my original post, ha. Problem is they don't answer said texts/calls and when they do their mood seems to have changed, like one girl I went on a date with I tried to contact her but no response until a week later when she told me she's not interested in dating anyone (awhile later I just happened to be in the same place she was and she was with a guy).
Author emuchic Posted April 26, 2013 Author Posted April 26, 2013 yup, you heard it first folks. cancelled my OLD profile....put my phone on "do not disturb" and am mentally trying to rid all the excess garbage that dating has filled my thoughts with. dating has gone out the window. it's all about instant gratification. chivalry is dead. and men are spoiled. that didn't last too long- oh well. i tried. i put myself out there & was proactive. it's really not worth it.
BluEyeL Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 (edited) yup, you heard it first folks. cancelled my OLD profile....put my phone on "do not disturb" and am mentally trying to rid all the excess garbage that dating has filled my thoughts with. dating has gone out the window. it's all about instant gratification. chivalry is dead. and men are spoiled. that didn't last too long- oh well. i tried. i put myself out there & was proactive. it's really not worth it. Gosh, I did the same thing a week ago, I'm glad that although i didn't find a boyfriend, I found you . I mean, I really really really understand how you feel. It's gonna be hard for a while...stil.. You'll be back on the market though, I think, you are young. Edited April 26, 2013 by BluEyeL 2
Author emuchic Posted April 26, 2013 Author Posted April 26, 2013 @BluEyeL: right back at ya! seriously though, it's like an immediate weight lifted off my shoulders. who knew dating was so tough? where's the fun??????? it's almost agonizing! have you gone back to your profile, or not yet?
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