desperategirl Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 Hello all. Would really love to get some opinions/advice on my current situation.and yes, I can deal with straight up honesty! After separating from my stbx husband a few months ago, I recently went on a date. I randomly met this guy at a friend's party, and we spoke for a few minutes. I didn't think much of it. A couple of days later, he asked my friend for my number, and asked me out on a date. We went to a really nice restaurant, he insisted on paying, we both messaged later to say it was great, and we'd like to do it again. He moved cities a couple of days later, a temporary,but not sure how long move, to a city I am sometimes in. I was there a week later,and he asked to meet again.another lovely night (we spent the night together,but didn't sleep together.he wanted to, but was a gentleman when I said no)' early this evening i said I was divorcing. He seemed with it. He sent a really nice message the next day to say thanks,and he'd let me know when he'd be in my city, then another one a day or so later to say unfortunately it wouldn't be for a while, but asked about a certain date. I said yes, and he sent back a less friendly message saying I was in the diary. Nothing for a couple of weeks, then I messaged to confirm.he sent a friendly email saying he couldn't make it, family stuff, but may be in my city another time, or asked if I would be in his city soon. He followed with a message asking if I'd seen the email, and saying the same thing as email. I replied saying I hoped all was well, and i would be in his city soon, but he sounded busy, so no to worry if he couldn't meet. I replied to text to say I received email. That was a couple of days ago, and nothing back. Am I right to assume it's a brush off? Should I contact him when in his city? Should I expect to hear again? Why would someone go from so keen to so off? Thanks for any replies!
MidwestUSA Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 Why? Because you're not divorced yet. Be thankful one of the two of you knew the right thing to do. 3
SJC2008 Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 I'm leaning toward he doesn't like the fact that you're not divorced yet and is doing the fade. 3
Author desperategirl Posted April 26, 2013 Author Posted April 26, 2013 Yes - I obviously considered that, it's just weird as he was fine with it for like a week after I told him, then suddenly sort of disappeared!
Author desperategirl Posted April 26, 2013 Author Posted April 26, 2013 I'm leaning toward he doesn't like the fact that you're not divorced yet and is doing the fade. Hmmm yeah, very possible. Just again quite weird that he sent messages, arranged a date etc knowing I was separated, but would then suddenly change.
outsidethebox Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 Your description of what transpires after you tell him you are married and getting a divorce doesn't hint at everything is fine for a week, he arranges a date, etc. It hints at not confirming a date after that and easing out of the situation without drama. At least you give no indication he knew you were separated before that. 1
Author desperategirl Posted April 26, 2013 Author Posted April 26, 2013 Your description of what transpires after you tell him you are married and getting a divorce doesn't hint at everything is fine for a week, he arranges a date, etc. It hints at not confirming a date after that and easing out of the situation without drama. At least you give no indication he knew you were separated before that. Thank you for the reply. Yes, I see what you're saying, although we did spend a night together (no sex, lots of hugging, kissing etc) and he did send a couple of lovely messages. We arranged a date, but it was for three weeks in the future. In a lot of ways, it would actually be quite nice to think it's the divorce situation right now,as it makes it feel less personal to me. I know divorce is in his background, which could be a factor. But he's keeping things a bit open, saying to get in touch, following up email with message etc. Is that part of being polite? Should I just forget about him? Gosh it would be easier if people were just up front! 1
BluEyeL Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 It could be the divorce, or it could be that you didn't have sex with him that evening. He keeps you on the back burner for the future, as a maybe, that's why he still responds. As it reads now, he is attracted to you, but he is not sure he wants to move forward. Overall, it's a brush off. As of today, he's not really interested. 2
Author desperategirl Posted April 26, 2013 Author Posted April 26, 2013 It could be the divorce, or it could be that you didn't have sex with him that evening. He keeps you on the back burner for the future, as a maybe, that's why he still responds. As it reads now, he is attracted to you, but he is not sure he wants to move forward. Overall, it's a brush off. As of today, he's not really interested. That's a really concise response. Thank you. I just don't understand how people can go from being really keen to not bothered - so frustrating! Kind of insulting being kept on the backburner ha ha! I guess I should just forgot about this guy and move on?
BluEyeL Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 That's a really concise response. Thank you. I just don't understand how people can go from being really keen to not bothered - so frustrating! Kind of insulting being kept on the backburner ha ha! I guess I should just forgot about this guy and move on? Been there too. Yes, move on. If he does come back and pursues, you can let him back in, but if there is a next time he should be decisive. 1
Author desperategirl Posted April 26, 2013 Author Posted April 26, 2013 Been there too. Yes, move on. If he does come back and pursues, you can let him back in, but if there is a next time he should be decisive. Thanks. Great advice. Really appreciate this and all answers. It's possible he'll try again I guess, but I'd like to resist! 1
Sparkly24 Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 I would say don't worry about it. I know that its a bit hurtful because you feel confused about the sudden change with no warning. If the change had happened as soon as you told him about your divorce then you would have know. If the change had happened right after he had the first date with you, you would have assumed he was not interested. But the continued contact after your date, and after telling him of your separation, was misleading and confusing. You can either sit there wondering about all the reasons why, or you can shrug your shoulders, focus on yourself and building a relationship with yourself after being married, and go on a few more dates. The only way you will ever know is if you asked him outright, but is that really worth doing? The right, perfect guy to go on dates with, who will shower you with affection and be upfront and honest with you, could be just around the corner and you won't give this loser a second thought xxx
Johnny-boy Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 The fact the fact that you're not divorced yet, and didn't sleep with him implies that your not really committed to him (or at least how most guys would interpret that). Maybe if you make it clear that you're not playing mind games.
pteromom Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 I'm getting a "he's married or in another relationship" vibe from his actions... like he wants someone to sleep with when he's in your city, but he wants to keep you at arm's length anyway. I could be wrong, but that's the vibe I am getting. At any rate, the "why" doesn't matter. He obviously isn't that into you, or he'd be finding excuses to text and email and call you even when he's not physically there with you... and that isn't happening. Don't settle for someone who isn't crazy about you. 2
Author desperategirl Posted April 27, 2013 Author Posted April 27, 2013 Thank you everyone for the replies. Am genuinely touched that people took time and were so generous with advice. I actually feel way better about the situation now,as it does seem like it could be the divorce situation rather than just me being a totally unattractive human being. Still totally sucks that he was so unclear though,and left it open. Come on, I'm an adult! I'm handling a divorce pretty well, I can surely handle some hard truth after just a couple of dates?? 1
JuneJulySeptember Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 Thank you everyone for the replies. Am genuinely touched that people took time and were so generous with advice. I actually feel way better about the situation now,as it does seem like it could be the divorce situation rather than just me being a totally unattractive human being. Still totally sucks that he was so unclear though,and left it open. Come on, I'm an adult! I'm handling a divorce pretty well, I can surely handle some hard truth after just a couple of dates?? Blow offs to individual invitations and inquiries are completely immature. You're telling somebody that they're not worth 10 seconds of your time to respond to a text or email? Of course, 95% of society disagrees with me. Just make sure that when you complain about it, you don't do it yourself, because most people do. I've had friends of mine complain about people blowing them off and then they don't respond to my texts! I'm adamant about returning texts no matter how much I hate the person. 2
Author desperategirl Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 Seriously,you're right.Come on, ten seconds to be polite. Shouldn't be such a big deal.
Noproblem Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 (edited) Two possibilities 1st- He knew you were going throw speration and wanted an easy sex spcially since you are now vulnerable or 2nd- He doesn't want to be in the middle of drama and to be your rebound guy .... Either way, you are better off without him Edited April 28, 2013 by Noproblem
Archgirl Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 I'm getting a "he's married or in another relationship" vibe from his actions... like he wants someone to sleep with when he's in your city, but he wants to keep you at arm's length anyway. I could be wrong, but that's the vibe I am getting. At any rate, the "why" doesn't matter. He obviously isn't that into you, or he'd be finding excuses to text and email and call you even when he's not physically there with you... and that isn't happening. Don't settle for someone who isn't crazy about you. I was about to post a similar thing when I came accross this post. This is the vibe I am getting. Also that I'm not really seeing that he showed very much interest in you to begin with, nothing you say indicates anything particularly keen on anything except a convienient hook up when he is in your town. Sorry
Author desperategirl Posted May 3, 2013 Author Posted May 3, 2013 The plot thickens... he contacted me to meet up, said it was rude to not have been in touch earlier. Asked about this weekend, but said he was pretty busy, but could hopefully organize something. Wtf? He's totally only interested in one thing, right?
jeni4566 Posted May 3, 2013 Posted May 3, 2013 It's not the divorce. It's the long distance thing. Men are easily distracted. If you two don't live in the same city, it's hard to get him hooked, especially at the beginning. Men need at least a few months or a year to feel enough emotional attachment to deal with perceived obstacles (eg: distance).
Author desperategirl Posted May 5, 2013 Author Posted May 5, 2013 It's not the divorce. It's the long distance thing. Men are easily distracted. If you two don't live in the same city, it's hard to get him hooked, especially at the beginning. Men need at least a few months or a year to feel enough emotional attachment to deal with perceived obstacles (eg: distance). Interesting, thanks! Hadn't considered that angle. Also interesting how many people would totally veto dating before divorce is final. It just feels like paperwork to me, sort of almost irrelevant compared to the emotional work I've done, but I'm going to think about it more now.
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