jacobstein1960 Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 I have been married for 18 years in New York State. I have three children a 7 year old girl, 11 year old girl and 11 year old boy. I am 52. My son is quadriplegic. He has cerebral palsy. He is mentally normal however he does suffer from depression and was hospitalized for a week two years ago. My wife does not believe in psychiatry and she has resisted providing him with treatment and she has not always given him his prescribed medication. The marriage was really over about seven years ago. I stayed only for the kids. I had a good job as a computer programmer for many years. I lost my job in November, 2009. Over the next two years I spent all my savings, my 401k and filed for bankruptcy. My unemployment benefits ran out. In July, 2012 my wife and I had an argument. Without going into all the details, I think that I was justified for being very upset about her behavior. She locked herself into her bedroom (we have had separate bedrooms for 10 years). I kicked the door one time with my sneaker on. The flimsy 40 year old door broke open. I have never touched her or threatened her. She called the police. I was arrested and charged with criminal mischief. (The charge was dismissed in January after I paid $400 in compensation.) The next day, she went to Family Court and filed for an order of protection claiming that I had threatened to kill her and I had threatened to abduct our children and hide with them in Mexico. I am not Hispanic, do not speak Spanish, have no money to support myself in Mexico and I don't know anyone there. That destination was apparently chosen because the children would not need passports to go there and the authorities there might not return us (as opposed to Canada). Since that time, I have found a job as an aide for a disabled elderly man and now live fairly comfortably (I was initially homeless for three months). After four months I was permitted a one hour supervised visit with my children every week or two. I pay 1/3 of my salary to child support. A foresenic psychological analysis was just completed. The psychologist agreed, as I have insisted, that my wife has refused to give my son psychiatric care and has lied about this medical neglect. However he also noted that the children when interview alone all said that they felt unsafe with me and wished to have only supervised visits. I have no doubt that with her having complete control of them 24/7 for nine months she has been able to bribe and threaten them to say that. I was always extremely close to my children and we had a very close, loving relationship. The psychologist's recommendation is that my wife have sole legal and physical custody while I have supervised visitation. Truthfully, I am afraid to have unsupervised. I am almost certain that my wife would force my 7 year old to accuse me of "inappropriate touching". Neither of us has even filed for divorce at this point, probably because neither of us can afford a divorce lawyer. Also, by the way, the home which we own is soon going into foreclosure. I have, through my court assigned attorney, informed my wife that unless we sell we may lose the $150,000 of equity which we have in the home. So any advise would be very, very welcome. I almost feel like collapsing.
yessy21 Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 OH DEAR... this is pretty bad. Dont give up on your children. im pretty sure you can have someone accompany you for your visits. fight for your right. save the money and divorce her. Dont base your decisions on one opinion. go see another doctor. Have you ever thought that maybe you came off a little too strong to the children and that is why they feel unsafe. Stress can do that to you you know.
Author jacobstein1960 Posted April 26, 2013 Author Posted April 26, 2013 At the first court hearing in September a lawyer was appointed for the children. In October he reported that my son was dying to see me and has never been so sad in his entire life. During one of our first supervised visits in December my 11 year old daughter asked me when we could meet somewhere else, like hang out at the mall. So something seems to have changed since then and it didn't come from me because I have only had these very closely supervised visits where we are not allowed to mention anything upsetting or anything about "the case". 1
Author jacobstein1960 Posted April 26, 2013 Author Posted April 26, 2013 Thank you so much. Your caring made me cry.
jsh Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 Wow. I thought I had it bad but your situation is just crazy. If I were you, I would continue loving and caring for your kids. It sounds like your ex brainwashes them and as they grow older, they will see it. Hopefully eventually they would ask to live with you. As far as the foreclosure, perhaps try calling the bank and asking them for an extension of some sort while you work thru this. This could buy you some time and hopefully your ex will come to realize and work with you to save it. The same advice for you as I keep getting: only worry about things you can change and accept what you cannot. Otherwise you are just spinning your wheels. Your kids need you sane and in decent health. Hopefully this is helpful
Author jacobstein1960 Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 I'm talking to my lawyer and I'm hoping and praying that I can get visits with the kids up to four hours a week if we are chaperoned by another adult. I want the foreclosure to go ahead since this will, presumably, force my wife to sell and split the equity. I could use a little cash for one thing to hire a real lawyer, not the free court assigned guy I've got. I do sometimes wish I was dead, but on the other hand I believe that once the children are teenagers they will really need me to rescue them from their control freak psycho mom. So I'm going to keep fighting.
Gunny376 Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Thank you so much. Your caring made me cry. I know it may be hard for you to comprehend ~ but there are ACTUALLY people out here that give a damn about you and your personal health and well being! And we ask nothing in return ~ your simply living your life to its fullest and top is payment in full. There are names for such people ~ they come in many forms ! Some are called nurses, some are called para-medics, some are called, police officers, some are called state troopers? Some are called soliders, some are called sailors, some are called Airmen, some are called Marines, others are called firefighters. They're some seriously STUPID and simple minded SOB's! They will actually and willingly put themseles, their health aside to save yours!
Author jacobstein1960 Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 I know this sounds pretty bitter. However let me explain something. I grew up as a proud American. I said every day my pledge of allegiance to "one nation under God with liberty and justice for all". My family first came in 1631. Six of my ancestors fought in the American revolution. My brother is a cop and I was so proud of him. I kept a photo of him from his academy graduation framed on my desk at work. I voted in every election. Today I feel very different. I hate America. For nearly four months last year New York State, through its courts and law enforcement, separated me from my children completely. They didn't know what had happened or if they would every see me again. My poor crippled son told his attorney that he had never been so sad in his entire life. There was no legitimate reason for this whatsoever.* This isn't what I grew up believing in. Now I say: **** America. **** the cops. I am still 100% compliant with everything they tell me to do - child support, psychological testing, restraining orders, because I know that's my only chance to stay in my children's lives. I'm always in court in my suit and tie saying "Your Honor". In my heart I'm saying "Eat **** and die."
PoopHappens Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 I'm not American. I talked with my neighbour recently who is going through an ugly divorce and she hates Canada and it's system. It ain't Canada and it doubt it's America, it's the SOB's that manipulate the system to their advantage and leave you and other innocents out in the wilderness with nothing but your boxers on. You might as well fight the good fight 'cause there ain't no place to hide.
Author jacobstein1960 Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 I agree, I don't know if anywhere is better. But that still doesn't make it OK. This is state sponsored child abuse, which is no better than state sponsored murder or torture.
PoopHappens Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Absolutely it doesn't make it okay. Things work out best when people put their personal agenda away and work for the good of those around us. I think that's why marriages work or fail. Once one member of the mini society starts to take without the give -- all goes for crap. What astounds me though, is just how horrible the person you worshiped turns out to be.
Author jacobstein1960 Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 The first few years were actually good. Very loving, passionate. I cannot believe this is the same human being.
pteromom Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 You have to make the best of your situation within the reality you have been dealt. Never stop fighting for your children, even if they are saying hateful things. Remember that what they are saying is just regurgitated from your ex, and does not come from their hearts. Take every moment you can to be with them and never be late or skip a visit. Go to every school event you can, and do not rely on your ex to communicate events to you. Follow the school's website, be put on the list for communications regarding your children, and take an active role. Write cards and letters and send pictures. If your ex will not give your cards and letters to the kids, send them to a grandma, an aunt, or someone else you trust who will. Don't miss birthdays and Christmas and other special events. Record and log any interactions with your ex, including dates and what transpires. There may come a time that your evidence will be important. You can also help identify patterns in her behavior that will help you in getting the most of what you want. I feel badly for you, and very badly for the children. Just don't give up, even when it is so difficult. 1
Gunny376 Posted April 30, 2013 Posted April 30, 2013 You have to make the best of your situation within the reality you have been dealt. Never stop fighting for your children, even if they are saying hateful things. Remember that what they are saying is just regurgitated from your ex, and does not come from their hearts. Take every moment you can to be with them and never be late or skip a visit. Go to every school event you can, and do not rely on your ex to communicate events to you. Follow the school's website, be put on the list for communications regarding your children, and take an active role. Write cards and letters and send pictures. If your ex will not give your cards and letters to the kids, send them to a grandma, an aunt, or someone else you trust who will. Don't miss birthdays and Christmas and other special events. Record and log any interactions with your ex, including dates and what transpires. There may come a time that your evidence will be important. You can also help identify patterns in her behavior that will help you in getting the most of what you want. I feel badly for you, and very badly for the children. Just don't give up, even when it is so difficult. I absolutely STAND UP AND TESTIFY! This is some of the absolute best advice I've EVER seen posted here on LoveShack!
Author jacobstein1960 Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 Right now I've still got a no contact restraining order in place. I am allowed 1 hour every two weeks in a preschool classroom with a supervisor sitting next to us. We may have to go to trial to change this. I don't think my ex will compromise; in fact she wishes she could cut off all contact. How long does it usually take to get a trial date?
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