Tired of negative ex bashing and rules of engagement..

[bohica]

I am not posting here to say I know for sure I want my ex back. In fact, not to far deep inside I know it's not the best thing for either of us.

 

However, second chance doesn't have to mean getting back together. For the most part in others sections of this site all i see is ex bashing and guidelines and rules to how to cope with and get over past relationships.

Don't do this, don't do that, Don't break 'NC'! oh no!. these are the rules you must follow. Anything else is just failure, an emotional set back, your doomed!

 

The reality is, everything we do is a risk. Getting into the relationship in the first place is a risk. Yes, contacting an ex can be an emotional set back. It's a risk. I ask though, in spite of all the rules, guidelines, risks or even your intentions when is it ok to contact an ex ? When is it ok to seek closure or even just to say I am sorry or even yes the dreaded...I miss you. Oh wait....No don't say that! Its an emotional set back, you risk everything!

 

My relationship with my ex went sour fast. In fact, I feel like I don't even know her. Never did. I think I was a rebound guy just filling an emotional void but I don't regret it. In the end I made a bad choice but she also filled a void and I often miss that. In spite of how bad things went in the end, how I was mistreated and in hindsight my questionable judgement I miss her. The bad things keep me away but the good times are in my memory too. She may not think of me at all ever and she may have moved on in every way but does that mean I have to hide my feelings and not show any human emotion?

 

I had to contact (via email)my ex after over two months of 'NC' because of work but i had to be cold and be all about business because of rules and guidelines and risking emotional set backs... Fact is, I wanted to be more casual because thats who I am. I wanted to say hi, how are you, I miss you even if, even if she, doesn't feel or say the same.

 

Really? Tell me, when is it ok to express yourself? Even if you are at risk.

Edited April 26, 2013 by bohica

[Droplet]

The point is this : contrary to what a lot of "get X back" gurus preach, you can't do anything to make someone want to come back other than have self respect, be your best self and move on.

 

Contacting them when they rejected you is the very opposite of that so unless you want them to come back in the heat of the moment after a very hasty decision simply because they miss you ( which will most likely lead to a second breakup very soon ) then yeah, you can contact them and tell them you miss them. Most of the time they won't even come back, they will simply either ignore you, be cold to you, or express what a "great friend" you are and the reason is simple : you are placing them on a pedestal, so why should they value you more than that ? You make it extremely clear how important to you they are so why should they work for it ?

 

Of course it's a human emotion but we are talking about attraction here and neediness is probably the biggest killer of attraction.

 

So basically it's up to you : go ahead and express yourself, which will most likely lead to more heartbreak, pain and rejection, or get yourself together, respect yourself, which will most likely lead to either your ex back or someone better down the road.

 

It's a risk, it's true, but you can't do the same thing most people on the planet do after a breakup and expect a different outcome.

Edited April 26, 2013 by Droplet

[bohica]

There are no expectations. There is no end goal of getting the ex back.

[Droplet]

Well, then, if you are perfectly ok with being "just friends" I don't see what's wrong with contacting them even though, more often than not, friendships tend to "naturally happen" ( ex : you run into them after not seeing them for a few months and both of you are over the breakup and no longer have feelings for each other ).

 

Going right into a friendship after what was a passionate relationship is very rarely genuine so that's why you need to be perfectly true to yourself ( and I'd say that if you "miss" her, you aren't completely true to yourself when you say that you don't want her back ) : never "settle" for friendship if you want more.

[bohica]

Frankly, I am not even sure I want to be friends. Friendly, maybe.

 

I am not certain that you can't miss someone or something with out wanting them back.

[IS IT Better late]

Bohica, very good post. I agree with you that all these rules about NC and ignoring your ex if they try to contact seems kind of rigid. I think we all should see how it ended. If you got dumped but your EX doesn't despise you and you don't despise them I think some contact is ok but don't expect them to come running back into your arms. They may have other motives to stay in contact with you such as easing their guilt or just know you don't hate them makes them feel better. And is some cases I'm sure they do miss you but unless they tacking action to come see you it doesn't matter.

 

I've made the mistake of keeping some contact with my ex after she dumped me expecting her to change her tune and want to hangout again. But I'm starting to realize these a just my fantasies and the realty is she just wants my attention. We didn't end on a nasty note and we had a short relationship but still meant a lot to me. So do what you think is best for you just don't expect her to give you what you want, If that means rekindling things.

[Simon Phoenix]

It's ok to express yourself when you really don't give a crap how he or she will respond to it. More than anything that's the point of NC, to move forward to where you'll be fine no matter what.