ksinger Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 (edited) Hi, I recently went on a dinner date with a very nice guy. It was our first date. When the bill came I offered to split the bill but he insisted on paying (even though I don't mind paying my share at all I have always heard that if the man insists on paying (within the first 3 dates), then don't push it and let him pay). Anyway, during the dinner date the subject came up about an upcoming play that is in a few weeks and he asked me if I wanted to go and I said yes. He texted me a few days ago to let me know he got the tickets. I happen to know the tickets were about $30 each cause I looked it up. Question is... if I offer to split the cost of the ticket next time I see him does that "Kill" the romance. Does a man find it insulting - if it is in the beginning stages of dating? Like I said, I don't care at all about the money, I can afford it. But I also was wondering if a man feels uncomfortable (or de-masculinize) when a woman offers to pay? Does it ruin the romance in the early stages of dating? Just a note: We have a second date (before the play) but the date is an outdoor activity date and maybe lunch... should I say something like "since you bought the tickets, let me buy you lunch", etc.)? Or in the first 3 dates just let him pay? But if I don't offer, would he feel I'm taking advantage? I feel so weird about this either way! Sorry if this all sounds so confused, but I don't date a lot, lol. Appreciate your feedback. Edited April 26, 2013 by ksinger
Pyro Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 SOME guys will feel 'de-masculanized' if they aren't paying for everything, but at the same time I hear so many men on here crying because they have to pay for everything. IMO I like the gesture of you offering to split. If he insists on paying then let him. You at least tried and that is all that matters. 4
Treasa Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 When the check comes on a first date, I'll start to reach for my wallet, but if a man grabs the check or says he'll pay, he'll definitely go up in my eyes. I'll thank him sweetly and offer to make him dinner or get the check next time, which I do. 1
BluEyeL Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 I think it's ok for him to pay the first three times. You can offer but don't be persistent. 1
curlygirl40 Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 He's already paid for the ticket so to offer him the $30 for your ticket seems a little 'friend' like at this point. Maybe instead you say 'you got the tickets, dinner is on me'. ? 10
fortyninethousand322 Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 The title of the thread made it sound like we were going to talk about women paying for dates instead of men. Which is a strange situation that I have encountered in my life. Personally, I think as long as you make it clear you're interested it really shouldn't matter if you offer to pay your way or offer to pay for something else. Like someone else said pay for dinner or drinks afterwards or something. That should be fine.
mtber75 Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 Many men are tradition in that they insist on paying for EVERYTHING for the first few dates...I also pay the first time around, that's the norm. But I don't get crazy about it if a woman insist on going dutch! In fact, I love it if she insist on it...That shows that she can carry her own instead of having the man lift for her. If the guy get insulted because you insist on paying, than I think that's a red flag (possible controlling issues down the line)?
sillyanswer Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 When the check comes on a first date, I'll start to reach for my wallet, but if a man grabs the check or says he'll pay, he'll definitely go up in my eyes. I'll thank him sweetly and offer to make him dinner or get the check next time, which I do. What if the man calls your bluff and doesn't speedily grab the check? Do you pause with your hand half way to your wallet, because you never expected to have to reach all the way? Insincere offers to pay probably turn guys off as much as having to pay their half turns women off.
coltsfan1 Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 He's already paid for the ticket so to offer him the $30 for your ticket seems a little 'friend' like at this point. Maybe instead you say 'you got the tickets, dinner is on me'. ? Great advise, maybe if you plan something then you can pay. If he is old fashion like myself he may feel like it is his responsibility to pay if he invites you. The gal I'm dating and myself pay by who makes the plans as well as cost.
Estate Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 Hi, I recently went on a dinner date with a very nice guy. It was our first date. When the bill came I offered to split the bill but he insisted on paying (even though I don't mind paying my share at all I have always heard that if the man insists on paying (within the first 3 dates), then don't push it and let him pay). Anyway, during the dinner date the subject came up about an upcoming play that is in a few weeks and he asked me if I wanted to go and I said yes. He texted me a few days ago to let me know he got the tickets. I happen to know the tickets were about $30 each cause I looked it up. Question is... if I offer to split the cost of the ticket next time I see him does that "Kill" the romance. Does a man find it insulting - if it is in the beginning stages of dating? Like I said, I don't care at all about the money, I can afford it. But I also was wondering if a man feels uncomfortable (or de-masculinize) when a woman offers to pay? Does it ruin the romance in the early stages of dating? Just a note: We have a second date (before the play) but the date is an outdoor activity date and maybe lunch... should I say something like "since you bought the tickets, let me buy you lunch", etc.)? Or in the first 3 dates just let him pay? But if I don't offer, would he feel I'm taking advantage? I feel so weird about this either way! Sorry if this all sounds so confused, but I don't date a lot, lol. Appreciate your feedback. You'll get differing answers on this but here is my down to earth honest answer. I love when a woman offer. I always pick up the check when I start dating a girl I like... always... (some guys will say don't but that's when they are trying to set the "casual" vibe.) If the guy likes you and he's a good guy he will pay. But I LOVE when a woman just offers to pay her way. I've been on plenty of dates where the check comes and she either sits on her hands and just keeps looking back and forth between the check and me to see what I'll do... It's not a big turn on. I know she's testing me to see if I'll "do the manly thing". The funny thing is I always will do the manly things and pick it up but I really love when it goes something like this... Check arrives... She fishes for her purse.... Me: "Hey, don't worry I've got it..." Her: "Oh no, are you sure, we'll split it..." Me: "Yeah, of course, I was the one who asked you out, let me get it..." Her: "Thanks, I appreciate it, I'll buy drinks next time." It's all just going through the motions really, I was never letting her pay for it and maybe she never intended on paying for it but it's a lot more impressive when a girl at least makes the offer. Makes her seem much more genuine. I'd say when you're on the date, you could ask him casually "Oh, how much were tickets, I should pay for mine....". He should decline and you can just tell him you appreciate it and he'll appreciate the offer. Alternatively if you go to the bar for a round of drinks just say "Hey, let me get this, you already paid for the tickets"... and buy him a drink. It's only a little thing but I think guys appreciate it, I know I do as it makes me feel she's independant and not out for money or nights out. Funnily enough, this makes me want to pay for things MORE.
gdes32 Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 You'll get differing answers on this but here is my down to earth honest answer. I love when a woman offer. I always pick up the check when I start dating a girl I like... always... (some guys will say don't but that's when they are trying to set the "casual" vibe.) If the guy likes you and he's a good guy he will pay. But I LOVE when a woman just offers to pay her way. I've been on plenty of dates where the check comes and she either sits on her hands and just keeps looking back and forth between the check and me to see what I'll do... It's not a big turn on. I know she's testing me to see if I'll "do the manly thing". The funny thing is I always will do the manly things and pick it up but I really love when it goes something like this... Check arrives... She fishes for her purse.... Me: "Hey, don't worry I've got it..." Her: "Oh no, are you sure, we'll split it..." Me: "Yeah, of course, I was the one who asked you out, let me get it..." Her: "Thanks, I appreciate it, I'll buy drinks next time." It's all just going through the motions really, I was never letting her pay for it and maybe she never intended on paying for it but it's a lot more impressive when a girl at least makes the offer. Makes her seem much more genuine. I'd say when you're on the date, you could ask him casually "Oh, how much were tickets, I should pay for mine....". He should decline and you can just tell him you appreciate it and he'll appreciate the offer. Alternatively if you go to the bar for a round of drinks just say "Hey, let me get this, you already paid for the tickets"... and buy him a drink. It's only a little thing but I think guys appreciate it, I know I do as it makes me feel she's independant and not out for money or nights out. Funnily enough, this makes me want to pay for things MORE. Coming from another guy I completely agree with estate here. If I really like the girl, I'm going I'm going to pay, no matter what. If I was repulsed by the date, yeah then I might take her up on the offer. Bottom line, always offer, it doesn't insult our masculinity and you just might get a gauge on what we are thinking about you.
Object_a Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 He's already paid for the ticket so to offer him the $30 for your ticket seems a little 'friend' like at this point. Maybe instead you say 'you got the tickets, dinner is on me'. ? This is a great suggestion. If you straight out offer to go half it might be misconstrued by the guy as signalling a lack of interest, like you are making sure you don't feel any sense of obligation. Offering to pay for something else like the drinks or dinner seems more collaborative.
nerd Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 I personally would rather pay for everything the first few dates, and start splitting or alternating when it's clear we're in something that will last a while
Treasa Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 What if the man calls your bluff and doesn't speedily grab the check? Do you pause with your hand half way to your wallet, because you never expected to have to reach all the way? Insincere offers to pay probably turn guys off as much as having to pay their half turns women off. It's not a bluff. I'm reaching for my wallet to pay the bill. Hence, if he doesn't pick it up or say anything, I pay the bill. But he does go down in my estimation.
sillyanswer Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 It's not a bluff. I'm reaching for my wallet to pay the bill. Glad to hear it.
Estate Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 What if the man calls your bluff and doesn't speedily grab the check? Do you pause with your hand half way to your wallet, because you never expected to have to reach all the way? Insincere offers to pay probably turn guys off as much as having to pay their half turns women off. Well if the offer was insincere its not much better than not even offering.
BluEyeL Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 What if the man calls your bluff and doesn't speedily grab the check? Do you pause with your hand half way to your wallet, because you never expected to have to reach all the way? Insincere offers to pay probably turn guys off as much as having to pay their half turns women off. I would have no problem paying the check, but if he lets me pay first time, I would surely not want to see him again. It's not about the money. 1
sillyanswer Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 I would have no problem paying the check, but if he lets me pay first time, I would surely not want to see him again. It's not about the money. It's not about the money unless he lets you pay, it seems!
BluEyeL Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 It's not about the money unless he lets you pay, it seems! I have more than enough money to pay, so it is really not about the money. It is about the attitude. If he is not generous first time with 20$ for dinner, he is not appreciating me, and he is not a generous person with other things. I'm a bit old fashioned that way. I would say first two times, he should pay, after that I can offer to reciprocate. 1
sillyanswer Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 I have more than enough money to pay, so it is really not about the money. It is about the attitude. If he is not generous first time with 20$ for dinner, he is not appreciating me, and he is not a generous person with other things. I'm a bit old fashioned that way. I would say first two times, he should pay, after that I can offer to reciprocate. Ahh, the "old fashioned" argument. I generally find the "who pays?" issue to be one of the least important parts of dating, but when so much dating doesn't get past the first or second date I can see why some guys end up with the view that they are being taking for a ride by those with traditional views.
BluEyeL Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 Ahh, the "old fashioned" argument. I generally find the "who pays?" issue to be one of the least important parts of dating, but when so much dating doesn't get past the first or second date I can see why some guys end up with the view that they are being taking for a ride by those with traditional views. Tough luck, each gender has their own disatvantages. I usually have to pay for a babysitter for 2-4 or 5h, 10$/h, need to doll up, wear a push up bra etc etc etc. That's dating, nobody said it was "fair". 1
sillyanswer Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 Tough luck, each gender has their own disatvantages. I usually have to pay for a babysitter for 2-4 or 5h, 10$/h, need to doll up, wear a push up bra etc etc etc. So it is about the money! That's dating, nobody said it was "fair". True! but I don't think this is about something being unfair, but more about the importance of finding someone with shared values
BluEyeL Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 So it is about the money! True! but I don't think this is about something being unfair, but more about the importance of finding someone with shared values It is not about the money, it is about the attitude. I mean that yes, men pay for dinner, so it is an effort, but women also make other efforts too, including monetary ones, just don't come out and tell you that the "date" with you cost $30. And indeed it is about shared values, generosity and appreciation for a woman's time is one of them. Being bitter and stingy not so good.
sillyanswer Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 It is not about the money, it is about the attitude. When I said it that time I was joking. Sorry for not being clearer. Yes, I agree with you. Being bitter and stingy not so good. Totally agree with this.
JOYTOME Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 When I go on a date with a new guy during the early days, I always offer to pay...BUT subconsciously I expect him to foot the bill for those early dates during the "wooing" period i.e before we're in a relationship. I can afford to cover the cost (for both of us) and when I offer to pay, I do so sincerely and with a genuine intention to pay if the need arises. But if my date accepts my offer to foot the bill, he'll definitely lose a lot of brownie points...I'd friend zone him lol. It's pretty simple to me, if a guy can't be bothered to make an effort during the early days, what can I expect when we're in a relationship? Modernisation is great, but some traditions should be retained i think. It's a matter of basic gentlemanly etiquette. It's the 21st century but I like to be wooed and courted during the initial stages. If a guy can't be bothered to pay on the 2nd date, it makes me doubt his sincerity at the most basic level (not like dinner means he's sincere) but the guy should at the very least make an attempt to demonstrate that he is making an effort to make his date feel appreciated. 2
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