Does he like me or is it all in my head? Why does he act so weird?

[ann357]

I know this is a long post but I would really appreciate any opinions on this situation. Please help me figure this out

 

My name is Ann. I'm 23 and have never had a boyfriend, never even been on a date for that matter, so I am very inexperienced with guys, and am also quite shy. I also think I have bad instincts and even when I think a guy likes me he will never ask me out. I have never been asked out and as a result my confidence is quite low and I don't think a guy could ever like me.

 

There is this guy I like at school/work (we are both grad students). We have known each other about 8 months and for that entire time we have been working together on an engineering project for school. We are the only two people on the project, and even though we work independently most of the time we have to deal with each other on almost a daily basis. He is pretty quiet, and sometimes seems shy but I'm not sure. He was together with his high school girlfriend all the way through college (at least 5 years), though they had already broken up by the time I met him. I really don't know anything about her, exactly how long they have been broken up, or if they broke up on good terms. I know he still emails her sometimes (but only because he leaves his email open on the lab computers, I dont' stalk him ).

 

He always behaves very confusingly towards me. Since we have known each other and worked closely together for several months, I would have expected us to be friends by now or at least on good terms, since he doesn't seem to be extremely put off by me or anything. The first couple of months we worked together were fine, he wasn't very talkative but he was at least friendly to me. He would always say hello to me when I came into the lab, and if he saw me on campus he'd come up and talk to me and we'd walk to class together. Every single week he would ask me about weekend plans, and since I was new to the area and didn't know anyone I never had plans, but he never invited me to do anythign, he would just always ask. One Friday night near the end of the semester I was leaving the lab but then he started showing me videos of boats and telling me about his hometown, so we ended up talking for several hours. Then the next week I invited him to lunch, but I was nervous and then he kept talking about "all his ex-girlfriends" and it freaked me out because I thought he was trying to come off like a player, and the rest of the conversation was very awkward with lots of long pauses.

 

Over winter break he IMed me a couple times about work, but no personal conversation. When we got back to school I thought everything was fine, but he would barely acknowledge me for the first couple of weeks. He would either ignore me or give me the world's curtest nod. We had a meeting about our project where he had to talk to me, and then he started showing me videos of fish, but then abruptly said he had to get back to work and ended the meeting. My feelings were really hurt so I started ignoring him, which just made things worse. Then I decided to try being very nice and friendly in hopes of salvaging a working relationship, which helped but he still would only acknowledge me if he absolutely had to. 80% of the time he would ignore me if we passed in the hallway, or if I came into the lab. Once we were both at a research talk and I sat next to him, and after the talk he got up and walked out without even looking at me. He even changed offices and told everyone but me, which is ridiculous since we are partners on a big project and I need to know how to get in touch with him (and it's not like I bug him all the time and keep him from his work). With all of this I was convinced that I had done something to make him hate me, but I have no idea what I might have done.

 

But then sometimes (rarely) he is nice to me -- he will follow me to lunch after a meeting or we'll have an impromptu dinner together. He is always very untalkative and eats very fast, but then he always waits until I finish even though we're usually just sitting there in awkward silence. He always stares at me in meetings but looks away really fast when I look at him. We have a TON of stuff in common -- we like almost all the same activities, and every time we find a new one we have in common he says "oh you should go do that" but NEVER suggests we do anything together. He even invited me to his birthday party (via text) but it was so out of the blue that I had to ask if the text was sent by accident. One night a bunch of us from the lab went out for drinks for a coworker's birthday, and he bought me a drink but then sat very far away from me, but for the entire night we were making intense eye contact like every 4 seconds. But then afterwards he drove me home and when we were saying our goodbyes he wouldn't even look at me. The next week it was back to him ignoring me.

 

Now we are taking a class together (he invited me to take it with him, and also asked to be homework partners). For the first couple of weeks he would sit by me, but would never even acknowledge me when he sat down. I would say hi and ask him how he is, and he would respond with about three words and then just sit looking at his phone. After class he usually gets up and leaves without saying anything, but sometimes hesitates by me before leaving and occasionally nods at me. But for the last couple of weeks he has stopped sitting next to me. He will occasionally text me about the classwork, since we are working together. In 8 months has has never sent me a personal text, only about work (though to be fair I don't text him either because I'm too shy and the one time I tried he never responded).

 

 

I'm sorry that this is so long but I am really confused and sad. I am convinced that either this is all in my head, or through my intense shyness I have created this weird situation and his weird behavior is all my fault. I am very bad at reading people especially where relationships are concerned, and I'm beginning to think I should just give up on ever finding someone. I do like him but have so little confidence that I truly believe that no one could ever like me, and his behavior is just making me lose what little confidence I have left. Please help

[outsidethebox]

Next time you have a chance for a decent amount of uninterrupted private conversation, ask him about his ex-girlfriends he was talking about, ask him what he thought about it. He was not telling you about his ex's to impress you in my opinion, he was trying to indicate something about himself and probably his difficulty with relationships, although he may not describe it that way.

 

If you let him he will probably tell you something that shows he feels he has difficulty with relationships, emotions, maybe even conversing, and I wouldn't doubt feels he's autistic or something. In any event gently encourage him to talk about himself even though he may be saying in a roundabout way that he has problems communicating.

 

If he is unable or unwilling to continue to pour his heart out to you as he started to earlier then in my opinion hang it up on him and find another shy guy around there that does want to talk. That's all you need to get started to a relationship with these guys. As the joke goes, if you can get him to look at your shoes instead of his own you're making progress.

 

But unless he opens up some more to you, you should get friendlier with some more shy quiet guys around there and give yourself a chance to get to know some guys which will help your self-esteem.

 

Hopefully you'll keep your thread updated occasionally on it.

[ann357]

Thank you for responding, outsidethebox. I do appreciate it. I think this is all in my head and I should just move on. he invited me to get coffee and study but then left super abruptly after a short time, so I think it's pretty clear he can't stand me. But thank you for your advice

[Archgirl]

I think he likes you.

All the hot cold is because he gets scared of having his interest in you noticed. He just doesnt know how to handle it. Like he couldn't tell you he was moving offices because you matter and the whole awkwardnes when you came back from break was because he was looking forward to see you. Do you see what I mean? Sort of over-managing his outward display of interest to the point where you think he feels the opposite.

 

I think he's just shy and awkward. And the talking about the ex-girlfriend I suspect may have been him referring to being a bit damaged by it, still feeling the emotional bruising a bit. Which would also lead him to be a bit hesitant of someone he liked for fear of the hurt.

 

If you want to find out for sure/have something more with him, you are going to have to be the one to do most of the heavy lifting early on. Make the overtures, let him know subtley you are interested/appreciate him, invite him to do things.