Luna_Love Posted September 21, 2004 Posted September 21, 2004 Hi, I'm a newbie to the site, and hoping I can get some feedback on my situation. I'm 26 years old and have been dating my (now) fiance for almost 4 years. He's 7 years older than me, which has never been a big deal to me, but has to a lot of other people, which is the only reason i mention it here. Anyhow, we've been engaged since last Christmas. My problem is that my fiance is a work-a-holic. He is at work every morning at 7 am and usually doesn't get home until 9 pm, sometimes later. He works monday through Saturday every week (and rarely clocks out even for a lunch break), and on Sundays, he takes in side work to do at home (he's a very well known mechanic). The endless work has put a serious strain on our relationship. We don't live together, but we're only a 5 minute drive from each other, and I literally see him once a week, if I'm lucky. In the last two weeks, I've seen him maybe 3 hours total, and at least an hour of that was him coming by with a friend to move my piano for me, so it wasn't really "us" time. I know that he loves me. I don't have a question in my mind about that. I know that he really is working the long hours, and not cheating (I've already been asked about it, so just wanted to get it out of the way). We are planning on moving in together the first of November, something that I suggested before tying the knot to get used to each other and be sure that we could live together. We're supposed to be getting married early next year. We haven't set a definite date, but it'll be March-ish. We're planning on a romantic elopement. Everything in the relationship is great. We get along beautifully, and he's definitely my "one". The only thing that we have a problem with is the issue with him constantly working, and seemingly never having time for "us". He assures me that this is only temporary, and he's trying to earn as much money as possible before the wedding, because he wants all of his debts paid off so that he can buy a nice house for us to live in. He constantly assures me that all the extra work is for "us", and when i try to emphasize to him that it's also the one thing that's destroying "us", he gets upset because in his mind, he's doing all of this to assure nice things for our future family. I'm just really frustrated. I want to believe him, but I know that he's a work-a-holic and he also has a very hard time telling friends and acquatances "no" when they call him up and want him to fix something for them. It's just maddening. I love him, but I don't know if I can be with someone who puts work above everything else. I don't know what to do. I just want some advice. On the one hand, my optimistic side tells me to give it through the living together, and see if things really improve, as he promises. On the other hand, my pessimistic side tells me that it never will change. In the midst of it all, I know that ending our relationship would be something that I'd regret forever. *sigh* Any advice??
bluechocolate Posted September 21, 2004 Posted September 21, 2004 but I know that he's a work-a-holic and he also has a very hard time telling friends and acquatances "no" when they call him up and want him to fix something for them. It's just maddening. I love him, but I don't know if I can be with someone who puts work above everything else. You know this about him. You've been going out for 4 years. I wouldn't expect that he is going to change after you're married, despite what he says. Can you accept that? Given the amount of time he does work it's difficult to understand how you have any sort of a relationship at all. I used to work horrendous hours. I barely had time to look after myself, never mind trying to fit someone else into my busy schedule. He assures me that this is only temporary How long is temporary? Has he been doing this the entire time you've known him? Does he have a plan as to when his debts will be paid off & he'll be able to slacken the work load? Maybe the two of you could sit down together & draw up a plan? Are you fully aware of all of his debts? You should be if you're planning to get married. Living together as a trial period is a good idea. Make sure he fully understands how you feel about his working. Consider what it will be like having children with a man with this kind of work ethic. Some people would find this commendable but in my opinion the silent father/husband who was always at work went out a generation ago. I suspect you feel the same way. p.s. the age difference ?!? What age difference? 26 and 33? People who think this is an issue are just plain stupid. Ignore them.
Author Luna_Love Posted September 22, 2004 Author Posted September 22, 2004 Wow, I left a lot of holes in the story. The relationship is good. It's only been since the engagement that he's done the non-stop work-a-holic thing, so we've built a solid foundation over the past 4 years, and have spent a lot of time together (prior to the engagement). I do know about his debts, and he mine. He's come up with a "goal" of having earned enough money to pay off both of our debts, including my student loans. This is the problem. I don't think that everything has to be fully paid before we get married. To him, it must be done -- starting with a clean slate, etc. He's very seroius about settling down. It's hard getting through to him because he's a perfectionist and he has a very organized way that he has to do things in his mind, so he tends to have a hard time understanding things that don't fit into whatever plan he's devised in his mind. And the age difference? Yeah, those people who have gotten upset about it (my sister/brother) aren't exactly rocket scientists. We're actually sitting down to talk about this tonight, so hopefully, some resolution will come out of it. Communication is key. Thanks for the response!
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