CaliforniaSam Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 I met a woman for coffee last night (Match.com date). We started out with pretty good conversation and I felt like we had a good vibe going. At one point, she non-chalantly mentioned she had an ex-husband (we're both 32). That didn't bother me -- it has to come up at some point anyway, though I know you're really not supposed to bring up exes on a first date. Anyway, as the date went along, the ex-husband came up several times. Keep in mind -- she never once talked badly about him. In fact, it was the exact opposite. She would repeatedly mention that it was an amicable split and how sweet he was (literally at least five or six times). Then out of nowhere, she flat out asked me what my last relationship was and why it didn't work out. Truth be told, it wasn't as amicable, but I wasn't going to badmouth my ex either. I just chalked up to "growing apart" and tried to change the subject. Like I said, I know "the rules" state you shouldn't talk about your exes. I try not to live so stringently by them, knowing that everyone is different. But in this case, am I looking at red flags by her... A.) Glowingly bringing up her ex-husband so much and B.) Her delving into my past relationships that, quite frankly, I wasn't prepared to talk about?
Jbum5 Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 Likely she wants to put her foot down immediately with respect to making you aware that although her previous relationship didn't work out, she would like her next one to live up to what she deems to be her minimum in terms of standards. And as you know, standards are often set through precedent, in this case, the precedent being her former relationship. Don't mistake her for a lovesick fool, she wants her terms known without coming across as being aggressive.
Star Gazer Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 I don't understand this "rule." More often than not, it's come up right away - casually and organically at first, which rolls into a deeper discussion. I actually feel a little weird NOT having it come up in conversation earlier than later. Relationships are a part of who we are. I feel like talking about them should be no more off limits than anything else that's shaped who you are. I mean, I'm not advocating going into deep detail, but it shouldn't be sooooo off limits. 3
Author CaliforniaSam Posted April 26, 2013 Author Posted April 26, 2013 I don't understand this "rule." More often than not, it's come up right away - casually and organically at first, which rolls into a deeper discussion. I actually feel a little weird NOT having it come up in conversation earlier than later. Relationships are a part of who we are. I feel like talking about them should be no more off limits than anything else that's shaped who you are. I mean, I'm not advocating going into deep detail, but it shouldn't be sooooo off limits. I agree -- I'm not so wrapped up in the "rule" itself. She's divorced and it had to come up at some point, so it didn't matter to me when he was first mentioned. With that said, the repeated mentions (and compliments) started to make me a little uneasy. We'd be in a part of conversation that wasn't even about our exes anymore, and his name would get dropped in there too. 1
2sure Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 I don't give much thoughts to rules as such, but I rarely mention my ex to a date. I just don't think of him when I'm with someone else. I'd be more likely to talk about my dog.
todreaminblue Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 I met a woman for coffee last night (Match.com date). We started out with pretty good conversation and I felt like we had a good vibe going. At one point, she non-chalantly mentioned she had an ex-husband (we're both 32). That didn't bother me -- it has to come up at some point anyway, though I know you're really not supposed to bring up exes on a first date. Anyway, as the date went along, the ex-husband came up several times. Keep in mind -- she never once talked badly about him. In fact, it was the exact opposite. She would repeatedly mention that it was an amicable split and how sweet he was (literally at least five or six times). Then out of nowhere, she flat out asked me what my last relationship was and why it didn't work out. Truth be told, it wasn't as amicable, but I wasn't going to badmouth my ex either. I just chalked up to "growing apart" and tried to change the subject. Like I said, I know "the rules" state you shouldn't talk about your exes. I try not to live so stringently by them, knowing that everyone is different. But in this case, am I looking at red flags by her... A.) Glowingly bringing up her ex-husband so much and B.) Her delving into my past relationships that, quite frankly, I wasn't prepared to talk about? i think its normal when dating someone to inquire about past relationships,what i do if someone asks me questions i am not comfortable answering, i say exactly i am not comfortable talking about that right now...... if they ask again......maybe one day but not today i would rather get to know you first.....that way hopefully i can redirect the conversation..and i will at a later time open up when i am ready to...deb
outsidethebox Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 You know all those threads on here about women being wronged? That's what a first date conversation is like.
CptSaveAho Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 Anybody ever talks about an ex on a first date... second date... third date... etc Kick them to the curb and go out with a new one All the women that said this behavior is normal on this thread are far from normal, nothing good ever comes from this type of talk Its typically rebound talk...also OLD = REBOUND GOODNESS 2
phineas Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 If she has a kid with the guy I just want to know there is isn't any BS going on with him & her. I do NOT want hear any more about him because it's a major turn-off. Had a woman tell me her ex-husband lives down the rd & he hangs out at her place with the kid. errr. what? There is amicable & there is weird. Had women badmouth their ex's & the way they were treated & that's a turn-off because who the hell sticks with a guy for close to 20yrs if he treats you badly? someone with low self esteem. All I will tell is there is no BS between me & the ex-wife & really that's all they need to know up front. If they ask what happened I simply tell them she was cheating for most of the marriage & when I found out I ended it. Then I change the subject. I don't care enough about it to actually want to talk about it.
curlygirl40 Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 I don't understand this "rule." More often than not, it's come up right away - casually and organically at first, which rolls into a deeper discussion. I actually feel a little weird NOT having it come up in conversation earlier than later. Relationships are a part of who we are. I feel like talking about them should be no more off limits than anything else that's shaped who you are. I mean, I'm not advocating going into deep detail, but it shouldn't be sooooo off limits. Exactly. I think for someone to know who I am they should know SOME of what I've been through and how I got to where I am. But I definitely think there's a line there also and I also think it's pretty obvious when it's been crossed. It has come up in almost every first online date that I've been on. Then you move on to better topics. If you're interested in her and go out again then I think you will know if this is going to be an issue with her bringing it up over and over though now that you've already discussed it.
sillyanswer Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 This is enough ex talk on a first date: "yes I used to be married but it ended N years ago and he is/isn't still involved in my life and he is/isn't still involved in the life of my kids" Any more than that, for me, is too much. There might be more to find out, but not on the first date when I want to find out about her not her ex.
MidwestUSA Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 This is enough ex talk on a first date: "yes I used to be married but it ended N years ago and he is/isn't still involved in my life and he is/isn't still involved in the life of my kids" Any more than that, for me, is too much. There might be more to find out, but not on the first date when I want to find out about her not her ex. Agree with this. Anything more is TMI. If a guy did it to me, I'd wonder if he was over her. You can bet you'll hear a LOT more when she gets "comfortable". What a turnoff. 1
Joaquin Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 I don't wanna hear about some guy that used to blow his beans up your muff. Capisce!
TheGuard13 Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 Anybody ever talks about an ex on a first date... second date... third date... etc Kick them to the curb and go out with a new one All the women that said this behavior is normal on this thread are far from normal, nothing good ever comes from this type of talk Its typically rebound talk...also OLD = REBOUND GOODNESS It's just talk. Nothing bad needs to come of it, either. If it's ALL they talk about, that's a red flag. If they're obviously bitter, that's a red flag. If they present a balanced take on things...it's just them telling you about their lives, and its a sign they trust you or would like to trust you and would like to get closer in some fashion.
desperategirl Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 I'm going through a divorce myself, and my suggestion would be that she brought it up to be up front, so if it was going to be a big deal for you, you'd know about it straight away. She was maybe glowing about him so you don't think it's a crazy, angry situation that you don't want to be around? I actually think it's pretty decent of her to tell you straight up.
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