The Long Road Ahead...

[tinker683]

Hello all,

 

New guy to the forum. Almost 30, just broke up with a woman that was involved with another guy (their relationship died a long time ago, they were still together because of some really unhealthy codependency going on). Her and I were together for a little over a year but things fell apart because she stated to pull away from me and refused to put anything further into the relationship in spite her telling me otherwise (her and I had planned to move into together and start a family).

 

We broke up beginning of January. She wants to be friends but I've insisted on NC, though I have broken that a couple of times.

 

Well, yesterday, I learned she finally left the guy she had the codependency thing with and has now hooked up with another guy. On one hand, I'm genuinely proud of her for finally leaving that dirt bag but on the other hand I feel very much like a used up condom.

 

So....that's why I'm here. My self esteem is shot and I'm looking for ways to cope.

 

That's all for now, will add more tomorrow.

[tinker683]

Well, ok, here is a somewhat condensed version of my story

 

I first met my ex about a year ago. We met at a swing dance bar (we're both ballroom dancers) where both of our friends like to go and we hit it off right away. I asked her out and two weeks later, we went out on a date.

 

The date itself was amazing. She was the first woman in almost a decade that I can connected too so strongly. Her and I sat in a booth at Applebee's for 3 hours chatting and then spent 4-5 more hours walking around downtown the city I lived in chatting more.

 

At the end of the night, everything felt so right that I leaned over and kissed her. She pulled away from me then and that was when she told me: she was involved with another guy but that this relationship was deteriatoting and she was looking to move out as soon as she could. She told me we could only be friends.

 

So we tried that, but I could tell there was a mutual attraction between us and it started to develop slowly but surely. Hugs would get longer, time spent around each other got longer and longer.

 

I will not attempt to justify my behavior. I pursued another man's woman and if anyone would wish to judge me for that I would not blame them in the slightest. That being said, I don't regret my relationship with her however much a mistake it may have been, I came to love her very much and for a while it seemed as if we were going to build a future together.

 

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

 

Eventually the relationship did get physical and when it did, it got physical FAST. We started spending a lot of time together, in and out of bed. We got a LOT of arguments as at the time I felt we had a difficult time communicating but now I feel it may have been something else. We always seemed to talk past each other, to over anticipate and over analysize each others actions. One thing I did notice early on is that she had a difficult time opening up to me or that she always had some degree of distrust in me. I went into the relationship all in but I constantly found myself having to explain my actions over and over again.

 

She told me about her past: she step beat her when she was growing up, her mom died when she was 19 and has felt abandoned by her ever since, her 2nd to last ex-boyfriend was physically abusive toward her, and her current SO was emotionally abusive and manipulative (a charge I now question somewhat today).

 

In retrospect, in spite of what she told me, I feel she was never really committed to the relationship. Time with me was always negotiable, time spent with me was something she had to squeeze into her schedule rather than make a priority. The whole time I told myself to be the good boyfriend (mistress?) and keep quiet, and be grateful for the time we spent together.

 

We had two minor splits while we were dating and two major ones. The first one was because I was having issues with my morals over the whole situation. I told her that if she was serious about this, I would continue this relationship but I didn't want to trash my sense of ethics over a fling. We told me she didn't know that the future held and I broke it off. She came to me the next day and reassured she WAS going to leave him and we resumed the relationship.

 

The 2nd minor split was some months later and my conscience had caught up to me. I was getting a little tired of the secrecy and I felt like, however much of s douchebag her SO was, he didn't deserve this. It bothered me all the way back then that for all of her ravings about how bad this guy was, she didn't seem to mind takin his money to pay for her doggie classes and her horse training. Looking back at it now, I'm wondering how and why I lead myself to believe that this was somehow NOT giant red flag! She calmed me down again though and we resumed the relationship.

 

The first major split happened after she started to disappear on me. She stated avoiding me and I was practically begging and pleading her for her time. I kept trying to explain to her how much this was hurting me and she just dismissed or belittled my feelings, telling me I was "crying like a petulant child". After a while I couldn't deal and I broke it off.

 

3 weeks later after a lot of thought, I came back to her and apologized. After talking some we both admitted fault with me claiming the lion share of the blame and her telling me that I had been emotionally abusive toward her because whenever we'd get into an a really heated argument, I would withdrawal for a day or so to keep from screaming at her, cool off, and analyze what was wrong and why I was angry. I would be the one to come back and apologize and accept blame. Looking back on my relationship now, she seldom lay, if ever, took responsibility for her actions. Everything was always my fault or no ones fault, but rarely ever hers.

 

We friends for a bit but one night we were texting each other and I told her what I wanted from her: I wanted her next to me, to be with me, to wake up next to her every morning and go to bed next to her every morning.

 

She came I've the next day and didn't say anything, she just kissed me. I was a Friday afternoon and she didn't leave my place until Sunday, we had had sex 12 times over that period. However baly the relationship want and was, I did discover just how AWESOME make up sex is!

 

We were pretty good after that, but I was somewhat distant because I wanted to wait for her how serious she was going to be. It had about a year since then and she was no closer to moving out no away from her SO than she was before. One day she came to me and told me that she could tell I was taking this casually and she didn't want that, that she was 35 and eventually wanted kids and was running out of time and she didn't want to waste her time. I told her I was waiting on her to get serious but that if she wanted a serious relationship, I would give her one.

 

We made plans. We talked about kids, getting our own place, and building our lives together.

 

3 months before our breakup she started pulling away again, just like she did the first time we split up. I told myself I'd handle the situation better this time so I didn't get mad once with her the entire ordeal. At first I said nothing, quietly expecting her to boomerang back to me. 3 weeks are she started pulling away from me, I told her that I felt she had become distant and that while I knew she was doing the best she could, that I wanted to be close to her and help her if she was having problems.

 

She told me she was dealing with a lot of stuff at the time and just didn't have time for me. She told me I could wait or I could go but she couldn't do much of anything else. I told her I would wait.

 

The weeks continued to carry on with her barely making any time for me. Thanksgiving she told me 5 minutes after I picked her up that she'd have to leave early to go to her friends house. When I got upset with her about this, she acted indignant, like I should be grateful that she was giving me as much time a it was.

 

She had told me she wanted for us to spend a weekend together in bed, justo lazy weekend of sleeping, sex, of food. We decided on a day but when that day came, she had to cancel because her friend wanted to go riding with her and then after that, they went to go hang out with one of her male friends (the male friend who would later become her boyfriend after we broke up). She was there until 3am. She insisted nothing happened, but I was really bothered by this all the same.

 

She didn't spend Christmas with me, telling me she didn't feel up to it, and she didn't even talk to me on New Years Day.

 

Finally, in early January of this year, I had had enough. She wasn't ever really hanging out with me and when she did I could tell she didn't want too. Calmly and rationally, I laid out my arguments with her and told her how she had been telling me that she loved me, that she wanted a serious relationship with me, but that she was acting in every way but that way. She came back and told me that she had always been patient with me but when SHE needed forbearance, I couldn't give that to her.

 

I responded that that wasn't true and that wasn't what was going on here. Throughout this who,e three month period I had been reminding her that I wasn't her enemy, that I was wanting to work with her and support her but that she just didn't want me there anymore and I didn't know what she wanted from me anymore.

 

I finally asked her, "yes or no: do you want me to be with me?" She responded she didn't know how. I told her that until she decides that then, that I was leaving. I told her that what she had done was unfair to me and that I needed to do what was best for me.

 

To her credit, she agreed. She apologized, told me she had handled this very badly, and she was very sorry.

 

After we broke up, I moved to closer to my job and much further away from her. I all but stopped to her, engaging in NC. I broke NC three times, once to tell her that I missed her (we had a very brief conversation are that), a 2nd time when I got a new cat and wanted her advice on tips to care for my new kitty(she used to show and train cats and dogs) which followed a back and forth dialogue for a few days ending with me telling her that if she wanted to talk, I'd be open to it and she said the same.

 

2 months later (two days ago) I contacted her again because I felt like I was ready to try and start some sort of friendship. I still had feeling toward her and while our relationship crashed and burned, It wasn't all bad and I felt like it was worth trying to perhaps build a friendship.

 

That was when she told me she had left her SO she had cheated on with me and was now dating the other guy I mentioned earlier. It crushed me. I felt used, replaced, like I never really meant much of anything to her.

 

I couldn't sleep that night. I tried taking some NyQuil to help me sleep but that didn't work, I tossed and turned all night. I had this horrible, sickening pain in my chest.

 

Yesterday I spent a lot of the day crying. My coworkers couldn't understand why I was so upset, since *I* was the one who ended things. I explained to them that while I had been the one to end things, I hadn't wanted the relationship to end and that I still loved her and missed her dearly.

 

This morning though...I'm just angry. I feel so used up. I feel like I have this woman so much, that I allowed my self esteem to be shredded by her, and I'm so disgusted at myself.

 

They say that depression is anger turned inward. I've kept telling myself that something was my fault, that this was happening because of something I was or wasn't doing. Now, I just want to turn that fury outward.

 

I have my flaws, but my biggest mistake was thinking I couldn't do better than than this.

 

As far as I'm concerned, the other guy can have her. Maybe he'll be lucky and she won't lie to him, maybe she'll actually commit to him.

 

But I deserve better than this

[tinker683]

It's strange to me how quickly your positive and negative moods can switch back and forth.

 

Yesterday I had an epiphany: I realized what it is I needed to do and how I needed to go about doing it. I realized that I needed to forgive her, let her live her life and let me live mine. I realized that if I objectively looked at my life, it's really pretty good

 

1) I live on my own, and make enough money not only to support myself fully but I also make enough to where I if I'd like to buy something for myself, I can.

 

2) I have a mother and father, still happily married, who are very supportive of me.

 

3) I work in a career I like that can keep me employed for most if not the rest of my life

 

4) I'm an excellent dancer

 

5) I'm quickly getting better at cooking!

 

So yesterday I was feeling much better about myself and my situation. I've made some goals (get better at my kung fu, stay dedicated to going to the gym and working with my personal trainer, get back on track with my dance classes). I felt pretty good about it.

 

This morning though, feeling very depressed. I miss her very much. I'm not angry or bitter toward her...I just miss her.

 

I'm having a hard time allowing myself to grieve. I keep wanting to skip to the end of the process and just be OK again but I know it doesn't work that way.

 

I hope you guys don't mind me using this as a journal or sorts. Writing about this helps me.

[tinker683]

Had a break through late last night:

 

I don't know if it was because of the endorphins because I had the spent the evening working out and going dancing or if it was because I was reading this really wise relationship blog but I suddenly realized: I'm pining over a woman who really, truly, did not give a *CRAP* about me!

 

This is the same woman whose idea of quality time with me was an hour or so a week with a lunch or dinner before she had to go run off with friends or something. This is the same woman who got pissy with me because after avoiding me for two and a 1/2 WEEKS I didn't have anything to say to her because the moment I got into the car with her she was completely cold to me. Like, after 2 and 1/2 weeks of avoiding me, I'm supposed to be a happy puppy and just go jumping in her arms?

 

God, I am SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW!!!

[eucalyptus]

Hey Man,

 

Sorry to hear you're going through all of this. I know the pain that you are feeling and have been dealing with a similar emotional roller coaster for the last 7 weeks after having my heart ripped out.

 

It's hard to "accept" having given someone the benefit of the doubt when you realize after the fact that they are really just self-centered and always just do what's right for them (i.e. the time/newness that they spent with you, a rebound relationship after you're done, whatever). Some people have a sense of honor and compassion in life, but not everyone does. This usually has to do with what they watched growing up at home and is the result of a defense mechanism that they've developed.

 

I've also come to realize that some people are just not capable of empathizing with others. They meander through life seeing things from their point of view only and typically repeat these behaviors no matter who it is that they are with.

 

Hang in there, man. Things will get better.

[tinker683]

Hey Man,

 

Sorry to hear you're going through all of this. I know the pain that you are feeling and have been dealing with a similar emotional roller coaster for the last 7 weeks after having my heart ripped out.

 

It's hard to "accept" having given someone the benefit of the doubt when you realize after the fact that they are really just self-centered and always just do what's right for them (i.e. the time/newness that they spent with you, a rebound relationship after you're done, whatever). Some people have a sense of honor and compassion in life, but not everyone does. This usually has to do with what they watched growing up at home and is the result of a defense mechanism that they've developed.

 

I've also come to realize that some people are just not capable of empathizing with others. They meander through life seeing things from their point of view only and typically repeat these behaviors no matter who it is that they are with.

 

Hang in there, man. Things will get better.

 

I appreciate your kind words. It isn't like I was completely honorable about this whole thing myself (this was an affair after all).

 

But as I said earlier, I realized today that she was stringing my along at the end. She may have not intentionally did it, but it's what she did. I'm angry at her but at the same time I know she grew up in a really bad past so I can't help but feel like SHE isn't even fully aware of what she's doing. She's operating on broken software so is it any surprise that she acts the way she does? This actually makes me feel a little sorry for her.

 

But only a little. One day the emotional hurt will fade but right now I'm too angry at her. I feel used and lied too.

[eucalyptus]

I think the "auto pilot" analogy is a good one. Doesn't make you feel any better about what happened, but it is a major step towards realizing what you were dealing with...

[tinker683]

Thanks for the response

 

After talking a lot with a female friend of mine, she gave me a huge reassurance by telling me that I'm pretty much where I'm supposed to be right now.

 

I'm not at indifference yet, not by a long shot, but I am at the point to where I'm being self-conscious of just how much energy I put into thinking about her and how, really, this isn't doing me any good. I'm burning up all this energy and frankly I'm just getting tired. Tired of missing her, tired of wishing for a future that isn't going to come to past, and I just want to forget and let go now.

 

I'm trying to focus a lot on myself now these days. I've gotten back into my ballroom dance classes and I may be performing again with my instructor next month. I'm also going Salsa dancing with her this Friday at some big shin-dig they're having in my hometown. I'm a little anxious about the possibility of running into her but I'm trying not to let the thought stop me. I have to keep living my life in spite of her, I can't spend all of my time running away from her. If she DOES show up I'll simply leave but I'm not going to let the mere idea of maybe running into her to stop me from living my life.

 

 

My personal trainer has set up a nutrition plan for me and seeing as I have access to a kitchen at my office and my home, I'm starting to really work on my cooking and my meals. He's also going to give me a receipt for a 800 calorie milk-free protein shake. Just the idea of it gives me a stomach ache.

 

I'm also thinking about taking up writing for a creative outlet. I think it would be a good place for me to put all of my energies somewhere. I can take all of my angst, my anger, my misery and pour it into a story. I'm thinking out starting off with fanfiction for World of Warcraft, one of the games I love to play regularly and then branch form there. I actually have an idea for a story (well, several short stories strung together by an overarching metaplot) that I'd like to flesh out and put onto paper, just to see how it comes together.

 

I've realized just how much of a habit I make about thinking about her. It's become cognitive for me and I need to stop it. It makes me think of when I recovered from my depression 12 years ago, all the "crimestopping" I had to do in my head.

 

Here's to hoping for the best!

[tinker683]

Wow...been a while since I posted in this.

 

The truth is that for the longest time I haven't felt the need. My life has been going pretty well by and large. I've been going to the gym with a personal trainer twice a week and have gained 7 pounds of muscle in 2 and 1/2 months since I started this, I try and tend to my kung fu classes every Monday, and I take dance classes every Wednesday night with some dance parties tossed in every other Friday.

 

I've also thrown myself into my hobbies, practice my kung fu forms and training in some of my free time, and have taken up to learning how to cook! I have to say I'm at the point to where I'm pretty comfortable in the kitchen and can follow any receipt you throw at me which in and of itself is very empowering for me.

 

So all in all: I've been keeping myself busy!

 

I've noticed that my "bad days" are becoming much fewer and far between. I try most of the time not to think about her but every now and then she has this way of creeping into my thoughts. I'll see something, smell something, or hear something that will remind her of me.

 

MOST of the time I can push these thoughts away...othertimes though it's like they simply will not be ignored and I find myself falling into this pit of reflection, self pity, angst, and remembrance.

 

I try not too be too hard on myself. The further I get away from this relationship the more I can see just how toxic it was and I know it was a good thing that it ended. But I have found that attempting to sift through and sort out the good memories from the bad, the lessons and the experiences, the genuinely good things that benefited me from the horridly bad things that really hurt me...is quite a harrowing process.

 

I've learned a great deal about myself in the process and I haven't liked everything I've discovered. I've discovered my fears of being alone, of abandonment, of being mistreated and taken advantage of...and how I often lash out or withdrawal because these fears overwhelm me.

 

I think about how while she did do a lot to hurt me...I know I did plenty to her and I feel an enormous sense of regret over it. I loved her dearly and I hurt her. Perhaps what she did to me was simply tit-for-tat for all the times I wasn't as patient with her as I should have been. I said things I wish I could take back, I behaved in ways I wish I hadn't.

 

Did I do this deliberately or was I provoked? Was I ever justified in lashing out at her the way I had? I don't know anymore.

 

It was a bad situation for the both of us. I wish I had someway of making her understand just how much I regret not being nearly as good as I could have been but I now that time has past.

 

I tell myself now that I will be a better person for the future. They say some people enter your life to be lessons, experiences you have to learn and I feel thats how it was with her. She was a lesson for me and because of this relationship, as awful as it became, I know I've become a better person because of this.

 

But why do I still feel so much anger? What is it directed at? Am I angry at her for betraying me? For lying to me? For leading me on? Or am I angry at myself for allowing this to happen, for not being wiser than I should have been, for not being smarter or more compassionate than I should have been?

 

I don't know...but I feel like I have this anger inside me and I don't know what to do with it. I channel it when I'm at the gym, when I'm at kung fu. I throw it in ever punch or chest press. It's like this enormous self loathing, a voice that tells me that I didn't deserve her and that I'll never deserve something like that again. The relationship ended badly but it wasn't always that way and when it was good.....god, I understood fully why people give up so much of themselves to the people they love.

 

Which brings me to the question and the point of my posting this post in this journal-thread of mine again: Am I really dealing with this or am I just hiding from it? I've maintained NC and the thought of breaking it again just makes me feel incredibly empty and hollow so I don't bother. I know it will just hurt me and I don't want to hurt anymore.

 

I think...I am now at the depression stage. I know there is no more bargaining. The anger is there...but it's losing fuel. I just don't want to care anymore. I just want to say I'm sorry and for the pain to be over. I feel a growing numbness, an urge to just lie in bed and shut out life and the whole world and just....stop and shut down.

 

I'm so tired of the daily battles, and having to keep trying every day. I'm tired of the anger, the emptiness, and hollow void inside me that makes me feel like an animal in a cage thats entirely too small for him and I need to lash out at the walls of my prison.

 

Today is one of my bad days...and I really wish the bad days would go away. I've done the reading and I know that I'm looking at a year before I should really be over this so I shouldn't be too hard on myself. I've made good progress and I'm making good progress still. I will keep going. I'm stronger than I think myself to be.

 

Thank you all for listening

[tinker683]

I think..this shall be the last thread in this post, and then I shall let it die.

 

Her and I broke up in January. It's now August. I still think about her from time to time, particularly when I go to some of the spots her and I used to go to...but by and large, I think I'm largely over it.

 

My life is very good right now. I'm not seeing anyone but I don't want to be in a relationship right now. I feel like I am on a quest of self discovery that has been going along very well and for me to try and change that would be disastrous...so I'm sticking to whats working for me.

 

I miss her. I miss the good times...but I am grateful that I am not dealing with the bad stuff anymore. I'm stronger now than I was before, I won't make the same mistakes I made before. I've grown from this, I've learned from this.

 

I feel as though I'm ready to finally move on to the next thing, the next chapter. Where is my life going to take me next? I'm looking forward to it.

 

Inside though...I feel silence, stillness. The wounds have scarred over and while they are still a bit tender, they don't sting me at all like they did before. It all feels like a really bad dream that I just want to get away from and while I still have things within myself that I still need to work on, I am glad to say that this is not one of those things anymore.

 

I hope she is well. I hope she is happy and becoming the person I know she can be. I hope she finds what she's looking for. Her presence though in my life is finished, over, done. My time has come, here, now, and I am looking forward to all of it.

 

The long road has indeed been very long, and painful...but it's nearing it's end. It's been a very difficult, albeit educational, journey and one I hope I don't have to take again but I'm glad I took it. I needed too. I had things I had to deal with that I wasn't that now I have and I feel so much better and stronger for it.

 

Thank you everyone at LS for your support for me over these past several months. It's been incredibly gratifying to meet you all. I wish none of us had/have to suffer as much as we did/are. I wish you all the best.

 

Take care of yourselves.

 

Mods, if you want to remove this thread, you may if you wish.