Back Up Girl?

[Estate]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I should say it isn't as if I never initiate texts or say nice things. I am just not a big phone person and neither is he. I do ask him about his day and tell him if I am thinking of him. I am not a total B*tch.

 

I do agree with those that said I let this casual thing get into a zone that he gets everything he wants without having to do much work. The problem is I am going through a divorce (met him before I even filed -- I was already seperated) and in the beginning I said I wasn't looking for anything serious - I have a lot on my plate. But at the same time, I don't think I am the kind of girl that wants to be a number. And I frankly didn't expect to even like him...which I do.

 

So, last night he said he wanted to go to Vegas with me over memorial weekend?? Which I find weird since we don't see each other that often. I kinda thought this was headed down a fizzle out path.

 

Any who, if I am not clear with our situation, I need to be the one to speak up. It has come up before briefly and it sounds to me like he doesn't want to move the ball forward, he really likes things the way they are...well, most guys would huh?

 

Again this is laughable at this point.

He's PLANNING AHEAD to take you away to VEGAS and you STILL are calling him a player?????

 

Believe me, players do not plan ahead that far, they do not ask girls to vegas or weekend trips away... why would a player even need to?????

 

This guy is trying HARD for you and you're playing game after game after game and now he's losing interest. I'd suspect the weekend away was a last ditch to see if this will work so he planned something big.

 

It's sadenning... the women messes up her won chances by playing games yet the ONLY answer is that this guy is a player and sleeping around?!?!?!

Come on!

[BluEyeL]

This is a good way to convince him to end the relationship.

 

Sure, and I told her that she should end it. If she doesn't want to end it right away, she can try these things just to say that she tried everything. But they won't work on someone who doesn't care about you of course.

[BluEyeL]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I should say it isn't as if I never initiate texts or say nice things. I am just not a big phone person and neither is he. I do ask him about his day and tell him if I am thinking of him. I am not a total B*tch.

 

I do agree with those that said I let this casual thing get into a zone that he gets everything he wants without having to do much work. The problem is I am going through a divorce (met him before I even filed -- I was already seperated) and in the beginning I said I wasn't looking for anything serious - I have a lot on my plate. But at the same time, I don't think I am the kind of girl that wants to be a number. And I frankly didn't expect to even like him...which I do.

 

So, last night he said he wanted to go to Vegas with me over memorial weekend?? Which I find weird since we don't see each other that often. I kinda thought this was headed down a fizzle out path.

 

Any who, if I am not clear with our situation, I need to be the one to speak up. It has come up before briefly and it sounds to me like he doesn't want to move the ball forward, he really likes things the way they are...well, most guys would huh?

 

OK, bring up exclusivity if that's what you want, ask him in Vegas.

[curlygirl40]

Memorial Day weekend is a month from now. You could try to contact him a little more in the meantime and see how that goes, then spend a great weekend in Vegas and bring up exclusivity after that trip.

 

If he spends a weekend in Vegas (and at that point you will have been dating at least 3 months right?) with you but then still is afraid of the exclusivity convo, something is not adding up. Time to cut him loose.

[Star Gazer]

I think the Vegas suggestion was just a hook to keep you interested and available on the back burner.

[MidwestUSA]

Have you considered his call schedule? What type of surgeon is he? The docs I knew may have had one night a week and one weekend a month free to do what they wanted. It might be his job and not other women.

[Confused3232]

I think the Vegas suggestion was just a hook to keep you interested and available on the back burner.

 

I would normally think so too. But, we talked about it a couple of weeks ago and I haven't brought it up again, but he did and picked a weekend and we are looking at flights.

 

He is fun, so I will probably go to Vegas with him. And I do kind of agree with ESTATE...I don't think players tend to plan ahead and travel with girls?

 

Now if Vegas never actually happens, I am going to cut him loose. I really just want something fun right now and if it moves into a more serious thing...fine and if it doesn't...fine. But I am not the type of girl to be used. There is nothing fun about that.

 

If things are good in Vegas I will have a conversation with him. If we aren't on the same page, I will walk from this one. Life is too short to be worried about silly things.

[Star Gazer]

Confused, did you get my PM? Please respond. Thanks.

[Estate]

I would normally think so too. But, we talked about it a couple of weeks ago and I haven't brought it up again, but he did and picked a weekend and we are looking at flights.

 

He is fun, so I will probably go to Vegas with him. And I do kind of agree with ESTATE...I don't think players tend to plan ahead and travel with girls?

 

Now if Vegas never actually happens, I am going to cut him loose. I really just want something fun right now and if it moves into a more serious thing...fine and if it doesn't...fine. But I am not the type of girl to be used. There is nothing fun about that.

 

If things are good in Vegas I will have a conversation with him. If we aren't on the same page, I will walk from this one. Life is too short to be worried about silly things.

 

I have to give both sides of the card here....

 

 

Could he be potentially keeping his options open if this doesn't appear to be moving forward? Yes, absolutely... that is a posibility.

 

OP, I think if you take some more initiative, you don't need to be needy but just a little more initiative then I think he'll respond well.

 

This just doesn't sound like a player to me at all. It sounds like a guy who likes you but may well be questioning your interest or where this is going now that a few months have passed and things still feel like the beginning.

 

I'm going to defend this to the last though when people bad mouth a guy who takes a girl out 10 times, initiates everything, offers a trip to Vegas for crap sake, and didn't sleep with her on date 1-2.

Girls calling him a player is ridiculous.

[BluEyeL]

I think the Vegas suggestion was just a hook to keep you interested and available on the back burner.

 

The brutal voice of reason, as always Should we give him the benefit of the doubt just a little? Although it doesn't sound too good, since he is on the dating site often.

[adelia]

How do you feel about him? Do you want to see him more? Maybe ask him out on a date. Ask him where things are going. Truthfully I've known a few going in to be doctors and I'm surprised he has time to date at all!

[curlygirl40]

I really just want something fun right now and if it moves into a more serious thing...fine and if it doesn't...fine. But I am not the type of girl to be used. There is nothing fun about that.

 

.

 

So if you're a) only looking for something fun and b) you're having fun with him then who is using who here?

 

If this is all you're looking for and you're both having fun, then that's it. You're both having fun. He's not using you for fun anymore than you're using him for fun.

 

Never understood this mentality

[BluEyeL]

So if you're a) only looking for something fun and b) you're having fun with him then who is using who here?

 

If this is all you're looking for and you're both having fun, then that's it. You're both having fun. He's not using you for fun anymore than you're using him for fun.

 

Never understood this mentality

Right...what gives? Monogamous fun?

[Confused3232]

Right...what gives? Monogamous fun?

 

You are right. I am being a bit of a hypocrite. I just want it MONOGAMOUS and he knows this. But knowing and doing is another thing. But I have learned not to control and sit back and let a man show you who he is...do not direct him or you never know who you are really dating.

 

All of your feedback and help has been really amazing!

[Star Gazer]

You just want it monogamous and fun. You're making no effort to contact him, or plan dates.

 

Maybe that's not enough for him. Maybe that's why he's exploring his options. I would be, in his shoes, honestly...

[Leegh]

I think it is best in general if people date first, then have sex after a relationship has been established. It's best to go out with another person for several months before having sex, and really get to know them. I think he's really, really attracted to you and likes you a lot, but I think it would have been better to wait for the lovemaking. I think your best bet at this point is to be unavailable some, and let him start to wonder what you are doing in your spare time. It's OK if he knows that you are interested in him, but maybe let him wonder if you're dating and interested in other guys too.

[Star Gazer]

Just 4 months ago, you posted about finding out your husband was having an affair while you were pregnant with your now 8-month old twins. You're going through a divorce. I can understand why you've want some male companionship that's monogamous without it being heavy or serious.

 

But I don't think, given the circumstances, that you're capable of being in a "relationship" right now, and without having made any effort to initiate things with him, he probably feels the same way.

 

You've kinda created a sort of amplified FWB situation for yourself.

 

It makes it tricky to figure out what you want. You say you don't want to be used (presumably for female companionship), but that's what you're doing to him, and that's the situation you've created for yourself.

[Kamille]

Seems pretty obvious to me.

 

You play games, you get a player.

 

You're playing hard to get (game) and you're dating a guy who doesn't sound in any rush to settle down (player).

[Confused3232]

Just 4 months ago, you posted about finding out your husband was having an affair while you were pregnant with your now 8-month old twins. You're going through a divorce. I can understand why you've want some male companionship that's monogamous without it being heavy or serious.

 

But I don't think, given the circumstances, that you're capable of being in a "relationship" right now, and without having made any effort to initiate things with him, he probably feels the same way.

 

You've kinda created a sort of amplified FWB situation for yourself.

 

It makes it tricky to figure out what you want. You say you don't want to be used (presumably for female companionship), but that's what you're doing to him, and that's the situation you've created for yourself.

 

I think you are dead on. I am just normally a relationship girl. But, after going through what I am going through with my ex (I found out 9 months ago), I really don't think I can handle much more than what I have (even though sometimes I want it). Thanks for being a straight shooter. I needed to hear it. Plus, needless to say, I have some trust issues I am working on. The new guy knows all of this, but still wants to hang out...gotta give him credit for that!

[clia]

Your relationship with him sounds very casual. You see him once a week, and you don't even know what he does on the nights he isn't with you. That is not the sign of a relationship that is progressing into something serious. Dating that progresses into serious relationships gets more frequent, not less. You ask the other person questions like "So, did you do anything fun last night?" You are interested in what they do in their spare time when they are not with you. Ten dates is a lot of dates; two and a half months is a long time; it's certainly enough to decide whether you want to be exclusive with someone. He doesn't seem to want to be exclusive with you. It seems like he wants (at least one) woman to see once a week, have sex with, and take to Las Vegas. Taking you on a trip means nothing as far as his intentions go. Obviously he enjoys spending time with you. He probably likes having sex with you, too. Hence, he invited you to Las Vegas. If you say no, he'll probably invite some other woman. Maybe you aren't even the first woman he asked. Who knows?

 

All you can do is decide if you are happy with the arrangement you currently have with him. If you are, fine. If you want more, then you need to bring it up. But, be prepared for him to say that no, he doesn't want to be exclusive, and know whether you are going to walk away at that point.

[Star Gazer]

I think you are dead on. I am just normally a relationship girl. But, after going through what I am going through with my ex (I found out 9 months ago), I really don't think I can handle much more than what I have (even though sometimes I want it). Thanks for being a straight shooter. I needed to hear it. Plus, needless to say, I have some trust issues I am working on. The new guy knows all of this, but still wants to hang out...gotta give him credit for that!

 

If he knows what you're going through right now and still wants to hang out with you, and yet is also still on Match and telling you he's been out with other girls, then I don't think his intentions are to be monogamous and develop a relationship with you. He's got to know that you're just not capable right now.

 

In fact, your situation kinda creates the perfect situation...for him.

 

Have you sought any counseling or therapy over your STBXH's infidelity, resulting trust issues, everything else?

 

If this guy ends up "hurting" you, it's going to feel even worse than it otherwise would, and take longer to heal, because it's coming on the heels of what you just went through and are still going through. It compounds things, it could cause some more emotional scars.

 

I'd suggest taking a long break from dating and seeking male companionship for a while. Easier said than done, I know. But you NEED it.

[Estate]

Seems pretty obvious to me.

 

You play games, you get a player.

 

You're playing hard to get (game) and you're dating a guy who doesn't sound in any rush to settle down (player).

 

Not being in a rush to settle down does NOT make someone a player.

Man, the logic some of you girls use is crazy.

[Kamille]

Not being in a rush to settle down does NOT make someone a player.

Man, the logic some of you girls use is crazy.

 

This guy is in no rush to settle down and showing by also dating other people.

 

I didn't express it correctly but your propensity to accuse women posters of jumping to conclusions is annoying. The jist of my post is much more in line with yours than with many others.

 

ETA: I'm not saying the guy is irremediably a player. But the dynamic she set up by playing it cool means that she isn't asking him to be anything but a player. She could start being more forward and see if he'll stick around. If he's interested, he'll stay. If she's the backupgirl, he'll leave.

Edited April 26, 2013 by Kamille

[2sunny]

Start calling him once a week or so. See if he's available to take calls or if it goes to vm every time.

 

Start speaking with him. It builds intimacy. It's hard to feel close and one tend by text. Tell him a real voice would be nice every day or so.

 

And Vegas... Ummm, my gut says its not the best idea. The idea is to get to know each other - not just to have sex whenever you're together. Has he planned many dates taking you out? If so, where did he take you?

 

I hope you use protection every time you have sex.

 

He also may be reluctant because you have two infants to care for.

[Confused3232]

Hi Everyone,

 

I just wanted to say thank for everyone's advice and thoughts. After sorting it through in my head, I just want to have fun, take it SUPER slow and work on getting through things with my ex. I have been seeing a counselor and I am doing really well, I am a tough cookie

 

So, at the end of the day, back up girl or not, I am cool. He treats me well and I have fun with him which is all that matters right now. If things are meant to be, they will happen, if not, no biggie. After all I have been through, I know the big guy is in control not me.

 

Thanks again!