Back Up Girl?

[Confused3232]

Hi All -

 

Lend me your opinions on this one? Met a guy online about 2.5 months ago. Have gone out with him about 10 times. He has been a total gentleman, making me dinner, I've met his brother a couple of times, etc. He came on pretty hot and heavy at first, talking about our future, etc. He texts me everyday (I never initiate and never call him - I am a girl that plays it really cool) and calls me a couple of times per week. Thing is the dates are getting farther apart and I know he is seeing other people (at least he is still active on Match daily and has said he has gone out with a couple of other girls).

 

I have been intimate with him...I did wait until the 5th date. I also don't expect to be exclusive with him at this point, but I am not cool if he is having sex with other girls and he knows that.

 

We both are pretty busy with our careers and kids (he is a surgeon). But he just doesn't seem that motivated to see me anymore. Sometimes we go two weeks. But he still calls and texts everyday. Am I back-up girl? So not cool with that idea. Or is this normal? Thoughts are appreciated!!

[Estate]

It's a possibility but one thing I'd suggest is this...

 

You said 10 dates with some time between the dates lately... so you know each other a little while at least.

 

After 10 dates I'd be expecting a girl to begin to take a little initiative to see or talk to me. After 10 dates she's still playing it overly cool I'd really just be feeling disinterest from her. So maybe he's backed off.

 

If I went out with someone 10 times and they never bothered to pick up a phone to me first occasionally I'd begin to wonder if I'm wasting my time.

[Robman9911]

It's a possibility but one thing I'd suggest is this...

 

You said 10 dates with some time between the dates lately... so you know each other a little while at least.

 

After 10 dates I'd be expecting a girl to begin to take a little initiative to see or talk to me. After 10 dates she's still playing it overly cool I'd really just be feeling disinterest from her. So maybe he's backed off.

 

If I went out with someone 10 times and they never bothered to pick up a phone to me first occasionally I'd begin to wonder if I'm wasting my time.

 

I totally agree, I would assume she has a back up guy. Or just isnt that interested in me, but with my personality. if a girl never called or text me I no way we would have made it to ten dates, I would have stopped around three.

[DaSkullCrusher]

I also agree. I would have stopped around three or four dates. Many men will interpret lack of contact initiation as "games." Even if I am still maintaining contact, I know as I've gotten older, the first sign of this and its game over for her.

[crude]

You never initiate and you never call him; he must feel like he's masturbating.

[Confused3232]

But here's the thing, he has told me that he likes that I don't call him and he has to call me and that he is in charge of planning our dates. He says I am a challenge and he likes that. Given that he is a successful, good-looking surgeon, I don't think many girls are a challenge to him.

 

But there is something in my gut that has always rang "player" with him. I even told him that. For example, I have no clue what he does most nights, even though he texts me every night. And to be on match.com everyday, kinda backs this up.

 

We have both slept over at each other's homes (so there is nothing goofy there). I just feel like he isn't in as "hot of a pursuit" as before...but maybe this is normal at 2.5 months, but most men pursue me hard, period.

 

I don't care at this point if he is still dating others, but I do mind being the back up girl or a girl he is leading on. I also have a huge problem being second choice...it is a waste of my time.

[DaSkullCrusher]

But here's the thing, he has told me that he likes that I don't call him and he has to call me and that he is in charge of planning our dates. He says I am a challenge and he likes that. Given that he is a successful, good-looking surgeon, I don't think many girls are a challenge to him.

 

But there is something in my gut that has always rang "player" with him. I even told him that. For example, I have no clue what he does most nights, even though he texts me every night. And to be on match.com everyday, kinda backs this up.

 

We have both slept over at each other's homes (so there is nothing goofy there). I just feel like he isn't in as "hot of a pursuit" as before...but maybe this is normal at 2.5 months, but most men pursue me hard, period.

 

I don't care at this point if he is still dating others, but I do mind being the back up girl or a girl he is leading on. I also have a huge problem being second choice...it is a waste of my time.

 

Seems like him pumping the breaks a bit is triggering some insecurity. Dig deep and find out why and you will discover a lot.

 

He may be a player, he may have lost interest, or maybe you two just aren't working out as planned. I would seek clarity from him. If he doesn't give it yo you then there is your answer.

 

Best of luck.

[Confused3232]

Seems like him pumping the breaks a bit is triggering some insecurity. Dig deep and find out why and you will discover a lot.

 

He may be a player, he may have lost interest, or maybe you two just aren't working out as planned. I would seek clarity from him. If he doesn't give it yo you then there is your answer.

 

Best of luck.

 

 

Thanks much. But how do you find that out without sounding insecure? And I just could be acting like a girl and reading into things too much...I know we tend to do that

[BluEyeL]

To me, it doesn't sound good. What do you want from this relationship? FWB? Monogamy? If you didn't discuss exclusivity and you continue to have sex without it, then it's fair game I think. I don't think it has anything to do with you not initiating contact, but with the terms and conditions of your arrangement, which have not been clarified. He schedules you less often because he might have somebody else and/or is dating around and there is only so much time. At this point, I'd say if you want more, you should quit. If you don't want to quit right away, you can try these steps that I wrote here before (but I don't think they'll work though if he truly doesn't care):

1. Be less responsive to his contact initiation, do not be available every time he asks to meet.

2. Stop having sex with him or have it less.

3. Tell him you want to be just friends

4. Flirt with him again

5. Tell him you're just friends again

6. Repeat

7. If these won't work (I don't think they will, they only work if he actually cares), dump him.

[Jbum5]

Let's get this straight: he wants to be the one to initiate all calls and plan all dates because this gives him the power to juggle multiple women simultaneously at the whim of his schedule. On top of that he probably doesn't want the drama associated with date overlap (i.e. you happen to call him while he's busy with someone). This guy is not a buffoon, he's killing two or more birds with one stone. You might be a moron if you don't put your foot down.

[2sunny]

A man who's really into you will make you feel like his only priority. I doesn't sound like he's that kind of guy.

 

I wouldn't have sex with him anymore unless he completely shows he's committed to only you.

 

And I wouldn't be quick to answer his texts. But if you want to see him - say so - and be honest if you want to be exclusive.

 

Nothing sucks more than thinking you're dating someone - yet a weekend goes by without a date. You know he's socializing with someone most weekends - so, if it's not you - it's someone else.

 

Don't sleep with him - its too risky right now.

 

Date other men and see if someone else might be less of a player. I wouldn't wait around thinking he'll change.

[BluEyeL]

Yes, forgot to add you need to date others and make sure he knows it. Don't tell him to his face, but find ways.

[outsidethebox]

Clearly you are not his sole interest and he does schedule you occasionally but probably not a backup as in only when a certain other woman is not available. Probably just multi-dating which comes from having sex while not being exclusive.

[2sunny]

And have you done a back round check? Many, many guys online lie about everything. Age, job, where they live and whether or not they are married.

 

Maybe his wife travels - maybe he has a travel job and this is his place he stays while not at home.

 

Don't laugh - you'd be amazed what lies I've found out after spending $50 to find out if the guy is honest, or not. I'd say 90% of them lied about critical things that made me never see them again.

 

Of course, I told them what info I knew - and they always acted surprised I knew they had lied.

[Star Gazer]

I don't care at this point if he is still dating others, but I do mind being the back up girl or a girl he is leading on. I also have a huge problem being second choice...it is a waste of my time.

 

You're being inconsistent.

 

If he's seeing other girls, that means you're one of many, and on days when he's not with you, you're not #1. So, you ARE second choice.

[PogoStick]

1. Be less responsive to his contact initiation, do not be available every time he asks to meet.

2. Stop having sex with him or have it less.

3. Tell him you want to be just friends

4. Flirt with him again

5. Tell him you're just friends again

6. Repeat

7. If these won't work (I don't think they will, they only work if he actually cares), dump him.

 

This is a good way to convince him to end the relationship.

[Estate]

Maybe the guy is a player... but who knows....

 

If he takes a girl out 10 times (!!!!), that doesn't give off much of a player vibe.

A "player" would push for sex early and not really be keen on conventional "dates".

 

I just love how this is all the GUYS fault once again here.

 

He has taken a girl out 10 freakin' times and is now feeling like he's wasting his time because she can't so much as pick up a phone to him, shoot him the first text, or god forbid, actually initiate a meetup.

 

It sounds like he's done a pretty decent job of trying to get this girl on his side yet once again its all HIS fault because he's a player for not follow a girl showing a lack of interest, around like a puppy?

 

Honestly... if a girl played it this cool after 10 dates, no matter how awesome she was, I'd assume she was wasting my time... there is no future with a girl who I would put so much investment in only to be made chase and chase and chase.

 

This is what I've been talking about in other threads lately... the OP doesn't have to go around all needy and chasing the guy, she can be a challenge but making him do ALL the work is just playing silly games well beyond their expiration date of 3-4 dates. It's just childish and silly games playing where it's not needed.... not it sounds like she is ruining her own chance of being with this guy because she just acted like she didn't care.

 

Seriously... my previous reply I was trying to be somewhat sympathetic to the OP but as a guy... it's just laughable that he is being painted as a player... what a load of BS. So now I'm standing up for this guy because this is ridiculous... he has been making all the effort and has stuck around for a while it seems and is getting not much interest in return... I'd be out the door long ago... but of course, that makes me a "player" I guess for not allowing a girl to play with my own emotions like a fool.

[Estate]

Read her 2nd post. He is not bothered by her lack of contact initiating in fact he likes it. He likes "challenging" girls. Without these vital pieces of information, I would agree with you.

Im not convinced hes a player, but she is most likely his backup girl.

 

That's just silly...

Guys like a challenge... I like a challenge... I'll probably end up persuing a girl more if she's a bit challenging but she has to give me SOMETHING after 10 DATES!

 

It's ridiculous to take one thing that was probably said earlier on in the relationship and take it as gospel truth.... like she is setting the tone for the whole relationship now.

 

If a girl is not initiating after the first few dates, sure, maybe if I like her it makes me want to see what she's up to... but after 10?????? And she can't so much as shoot me a text?

 

I mean, being a challenge doesn't mean making NO effort at all....

Is this guy expected to marry this girl and never have her call him?

 

This is totally laughable... players don't go on 10 dates with girls who don't contact them... that is a decent dude who obviously likes her and continues to make the effort to see if she will open up a little.

 

If she started texting and calling 100 times a day, that'd be a turnoff and not a challenge... but if she just initiated a "How's your day?" text once in a while, it hardly makes her clingy... it makes her normal and he'd probably feel a little more appreciated.

 

She missed her chance by playing games....

 

It's absolutely laughable the HE is the player...!

[RogerWallace111]

if you don't want to be "second choice", stop playing hard to get, be honest with him, and get together with him more often. To really be someone's "number one" you'll likely have to make things explicitly exclusive between the two of you. If you don't want a real relationship with someone, but aren't cool with the idea of them being more into someone else, then........... Don't keep up any sort of relationship with them, right ? Sadly it can't be both ways.

 

Regardless of how you proceed I'd recommend being more flexible with the "play it cool girl" routine. And I don't mean for that to sound as condescending as the word "routine" makes it sound. Just givin my 2 cents. You can make another person feel wanted without being "clingy".

[Aerrie]

Hi All -

 

(I never initiate and never call him - I am a girl that plays it really cool)

That is not playing it "really cool", but playing it really stupid.

 

The fact, that the word "playing" is there, is also a pretty bad sign.

 

I would hate being with a girl like that, because it would make me feel like if I never called again, neither would she.

[DaSkullCrusher]

Thanks much. But how do you find that out without sounding insecure? And I just could be acting like a girl and reading into things too much...I know we tend to do that

 

Its not about not sounding insecure. Its about finding out why you are insecure about it. Girls and guys read into things too much. Its a sign of insecurity. I read into things sometimes when I'm delusional about what I want and what is really going on. Be objective and brutally honest with yourself and him.

[Emilia]

But here's the thing, he has told me that he likes that I don't call him and he has to call me and that he is in charge of planning our dates. He says I am a challenge and he likes that. Given that he is a successful, good-looking surgeon, I don't think many girls are a challenge to him.

 

But there is something in my gut that has always rang "player" with him. I even told him that. For example, I have no clue what he does most nights, even though he texts me every night. And to be on match.com everyday, kinda backs this up.

 

We have both slept over at each other's homes (so there is nothing goofy there). I just feel like he isn't in as "hot of a pursuit" as before...but maybe this is normal at 2.5 months, but most men pursue me hard, period.

 

I don't care at this point if he is still dating others, but I do mind being the back up girl or a girl he is leading on. I also have a huge problem being second choice...it is a waste of my time.

 

Yuck, another a**hole. the whole thing is a game for him. He has no interest in you. He likes the chase, once he feels he got what he could achieve he will move on. Good luck with this one.

[Ninjainpajamas]

The whole point of "playing it cool" is not to come off too interested and available in the beginnning. But its 10 dates and you made him wait 5 for the booty but he got it. Now you're sitting there easily controlled demanding and requiring nothing but still being available...so why would he make it harder on himself asking for more? He's already getting what he wants...w his busy career and your unattached behavior it just makes it easier to juggle w other women as you're not a nuisance...he still getsthe vagina, what do you think he needs? Your texts? Maybe if he was really interested...eveyrthing he did in the beginning was to get you bed and to swoon you, that's it.

 

Players give off vibes, trust your instinct, I'm sure hell blame it on other things as to why he's unavailble or scared....every guys got a reason to do that, but I'm sure he's sticking his "scalpel" in other "patients"....I mean c'mon....good looking and a surgeon, that's a puss magent in the US, can't see many women turning that down, especially if he has a spit of game and his swooning tactics worked on you.....eventually. however he's also insecure.

[Confused3232]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I should say it isn't as if I never initiate texts or say nice things. I am just not a big phone person and neither is he. I do ask him about his day and tell him if I am thinking of him. I am not a total B*tch.

 

I do agree with those that said I let this casual thing get into a zone that he gets everything he wants without having to do much work. The problem is I am going through a divorce (met him before I even filed -- I was already seperated) and in the beginning I said I wasn't looking for anything serious - I have a lot on my plate. But at the same time, I don't think I am the kind of girl that wants to be a number. And I frankly didn't expect to even like him...which I do.

 

So, last night he said he wanted to go to Vegas with me over memorial weekend?? Which I find weird since we don't see each other that often. I kinda thought this was headed down a fizzle out path.

 

Any who, if I am not clear with our situation, I need to be the one to speak up. It has come up before briefly and it sounds to me like he doesn't want to move the ball forward, he really likes things the way they are...well, most guys would huh?

Edited April 26, 2013 by Confused3232

[curlygirl40]

 

Any who, if I am not clear with our situation, I need to be the one to speak up. It has come up before briefly and it sounds to me like he doesn't want to move the ball forward, he really likes things the way they are...well, most guys would huh?

 

Yup, exactly this. HE is having exactly the kind of relationship HE wants. This doesn't make him a dog or a player or a bad guy. You haven't asked for more and he likes it the way it is. Period. He hasn't lied to you, he isn't 'cheating' on you since you admittedly didn't have any sort of exclusive conversation.

 

The problem comes in when you want more than this. You're going to have to ask for it and you're going to have to be willing to walk away if he's not ready for it.

 

My gut is that he doesn't want any more than exactly what you're doing right now. He's busy at work, he's seeing other women, and he still gets to enjoy you when he wants. What's not to like?

 

I think the biggest red flag for me that he doesn't want more is that you are seeing him less and less as time goes on. Dates are spread out further apart. IME most guys who are relationship minded and want a relationship with you will progress the relationship. He's doing the opposite.

 

And again, there's a reason.

 

Figure out what you want, have the conversation with him and be willing to walk away if he's not ready. If you have the conversation and he tells you he doesn't want to be exclusive and you still stick around? You're in FWB territory and that's a dangerous place to be for you because you already have feelings for him.

 

Good luck.