lgwhizz Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 Hi, I am new here and have been looking through posts and thought everyone seems really supportive here. I am in need of advice. Feel lost! Will TRY to keep it as brief as possible. I have lived with a guy for 5 years, been together 6. We have had a happy relationship but as time has worn on and all my friends are settling down, getting married, moving house and having babies i feel our lives have kinda stood still. We have struggled a bit money wise and are not in the same financial position as others around us. There has been talk of how happy we are but he never once said he would like to marry me. Only that he was happy in the here and now and there was a 'fuzzy' figure in the furture i.e. he wasnt against marraige, just that he didnt want it yet. In january he split with me out of the blue, said i deserved better, that he was setting me free to find someone who could give me what i want, marraige and babies. That he loved me thats why he was doing it. This was 5 days after i lost my job btw. He always said he felt like a 'burden' to me financially as i was the main supporter. Since the split he has been in touch often. We see each other, spend time together, everything feels 'normal' have cuddles, sex (i know, i know) kisses and affection but then he leaves again at end of the day and every time i feel upset as every time i hope this is the time something changes and he comes home. His texts said he needs 'time'. That he still loves me and always will (why have you left me then?) but he isnt sure if he is still 'in love' with me. Is there a difference? He says he needs to do stuff for him, he is in the middle of a degree that he is doing in his own time. That his financial situation is brining him down and even if he wanted to buy me a ring he couldnt. The day he was supposed to move his stuff out i left him a key, spent the whole day crying at my mums and went back only to find he had taken nothing. I text him, he said he felt sad doing it and would need to come another time. He also left me a message on the board in our kitchen that said 'love you laura. You are the best girl in the world. ****' all this on the day he was supposed to move everything out. Messages have been mixed, he says he is 'setting me free' (even though i dont want to be) but yet doesnt seem to be able or want to let me go. It is usually him that makes the move to see each other and start intimate relations. BUT...last wednesday i was out to eat with a friend and saw him through the window go to the cinema with another girl. He swears blind she is 'just a buddy' and wants/did nothing with her. I feel this was the final straw for me. We text a bit back and forth about it but ultimately i was too hurt as i feel he has been confusing me for the last 3 months. I have now enforced no contact and said to him only contact me if the 'fuzz' clears and its me you see. He replied the next day saying sorry about everything but he was in a funny place and didnt know how long he would be there for. Then again later saying could he come by to pick something up from the house. I felt this was just an excuse to come by and see me, probably try it on with me and make everything ok so essentially HE felt better. I ignored it. I just want some advice, what do i do? What should i think? Am i total tool to think we could still possibly have a happy ending? I have not only lost my boyf but my best friend also. He says - be my friend, but i am still so in love with him and hurt i dont think i can or should.
DayJ Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 (edited) Aww I am sorry your going through the heartache, i promise you it will get better and i will try my best to help you because i was in your shoes once and it hurt so much and i felt as though my world was shattered. I remember my grandmother telling me, give it time give it time and i wouldn't listen but until the end i realized time makes everything fall in to place, now what you do in the mean time is what helps the situation even more. BELIEVE me this will work. I am married to my first love but it does not mean we did not have a big break up, we dated for 5 years and he was going back and forth we never moved in together though before marriage ever, i always wanted to wait till after marriage i always felt about why get the freebies and not be official you get me? So, it hurt like hell he would text me and call me too but girlllllll i am telling you i did not answer his calls not ONCE, it came down to one time he was sending me bouquets of flowers at home AND at work! It truly made him realize that i was the one person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He wouldn't even stop talking about me to his mom or friends he was so heartbroken and the more i ignored him the more it made him realize that i was what he wanted all along and how stupid he was to let me go, and he would CRY his eyes out, his mom would tell me ( btw his mom told me this while we were getting our wedding ready not before i completely cut all contact with him and his whole family and friends i just completely put my walls up and said no more, his mom told me all this after we got back together and were ready to get married) but anyway his mom would tell me that he would call his mom and say things like "mom she wont pick up my calls i want to send her flowers or anything and am afraid and his mom would tell him just do it dont be afraid to fight for what you love and want" and he did, and am glad he did because although it hurt like hell to ignore him and standing strong i was also hurting because loved him so much! But sometimes they need to be given that freedom so they can realize what they have in front of them you get me? The saying" let it free if it comes back it was meant to be saying" it is TRUE because i did it i went with the flow of things and stood strong and just let thing happen and now i am married with the love of my life and we couldnt be happier !! Believe me if it is meant to be it WILL be! I promise you i give you my word and i dont even know you lol and i am giving you the money back guarantee haha. If it is not him you will meet an amazing wonderful guy and i know people always say that but it is so true! He proved to me that i was the one and he needed that time for him to realize it and some people do, so here is a few tips and advice, Cut ALL contact no text no facebook no calls, if he needs to pick something up from the house he does not need to text you or tell you if he does text you ignore it!! 100%!! No contact avoid seeing him as much as you can just ignore ignore ignore!! Believe me if it is meant to be it will be otherwise dont waste your time, do YOU, you and YOU! Take classes go out with friends spend time doing something that YOU love. This will help ease the pain and heartache believe me, i hit the books hard and got my Bachelor's degree at the time and it made him even more in love with me to see that i was not moping around and waiting for him to come back, i remember when we got back together he said to me " i thought i had lost you forever and it scared me to death" This is what you need to do, just let him do as he pleases do not question his actions or anything just do your own thing and with time i promise you everything will fall in to place. I really hope i could help i remember been so heartbroken and it hurt so bad! for such a long time and i thought it would never end and it did! so stand strong and i promise you everything will work out. If it doesn't you WILL find someone amazing to spend your time with and it will be worth it, about the years it does not matter think of it as an experience in your life and not time wasted. Be optimistic and be patient i know it is hard but it will all work out for the best. Edited April 25, 2013 by DayJ 2
DreamLost Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 Hi lgwhizz, I am a guy and I am also in the phase where everyone around me is getting married and settling down. Obviously I don't know what your bf's like but I think I can explain his behaviour using my logic: 1. Your bf wants to "set you free" - For me, I'd certainly feel useless when I am a guy and I cannot financially support my gf. Also, I don't know how old you are, but if you are like my gf (she's 30-ish and the window to having kids are closing in on us), then what your bf did makes sense. I mean, if he really loves you, he should let you go find someone else that can provide and take better care of you. He is obviously not confident in being able to give you a good life. 2. Texting and hanging out with you - If he told you he want to let you go, his action is telling us the opposite. He wants to see you and still likes you, and that is why you feel 'normal' 3. You saw him going to movies with some girl - based on (1) above, maybe he wants to see if he can get over you (after he set you free) by seeing someone else. But based on (2), I don't think he will find it very successful. Call me biased, but if you really want to be with him, this will be the time you need to show him some support. Tell him you will be with him no matter rich or poor and that you are willing to work things out slowly. Based on his reactions, you can pick up from there. DreamLost 1
Author lgwhizz Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 Hi DayJ and Dreamlost. I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to reply to me, it really means alot to have some input! The update is not much, I am on day 10 of no contact, he sent me a text message on Friday and all it said was 'sorry about that'. Sorry about what???!!! There is a whole list of things he could or should be sorry about! I have not responded. I am VERY tempted to reply with 'sorry about what?' to see what he has to say but i feel what he has given me there isnt enough for me to break the no contact. What would you do? I think he put a bit of a cryptive text to me so I WOULD reply to him asking him to further explain himself. So DayJ it seems at this time I am following what you said about no contact, i hope to goodness this is just the start and he comes to realise just what he has lost. Dreamlost - it was very insightful for me to have a guys point of view and i thank you for that. What you say does make sense, it does tie in with what he has been saying to me. BUT...he knows how much i love him and am dedicated to him and I have told him that money doesnt matter and all i want is love and commitment but he is still not willing to reconcile. Just leaves me hanging on like always. He said he was setting me free but has not actually been able to do so. Seeing him with the girl was so so devastating to me I had to do something drastic. He thinks he can do whatever he wants and I will still 'be there for him' and he can come over, get a nice dinner, cuddles and be 'normal' for a day then leave again! What do you think I should do about the text? Any other insights?? Thanks xx
DayJ Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Hi DayJ and Dreamlost. I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to reply to me, it really means alot to have some input! The update is not much, I am on day 10 of no contact, he sent me a text message on Friday and all it said was 'sorry about that'. Sorry about what???!!! There is a whole list of things he could or should be sorry about! I have not responded. I am VERY tempted to reply with 'sorry about what?' to see what he has to say but i feel what he has given me there isnt enough for me to break the no contact. What would you do? I think he put a bit of a cryptive text to me so I WOULD reply to him asking him to further explain himself. So DayJ it seems at this time I am following what you said about no contact, i hope to goodness this is just the start and he comes to realise just what he has lost. Dreamlost - it was very insightful for me to have a guys point of view and i thank you for that. What you say does make sense, it does tie in with what he has been saying to me. BUT...he knows how much i love him and am dedicated to him and I have told him that money doesnt matter and all i want is love and commitment but he is still not willing to reconcile. Just leaves me hanging on like always. He said he was setting me free but has not actually been able to do so. Seeing him with the girl was so so devastating to me I had to do something drastic. He thinks he can do whatever he wants and I will still 'be there for him' and he can come over, get a nice dinner, cuddles and be 'normal' for a day then leave again! What do you think I should do about the text? Any other insights?? Thanks xx That is exactly how it starts, Do Not Answer! They always want to leave it half as and spark your curiosity don't text him, trust me! Leave him to wander and not you, let his mind wander and drive him nuts you will see. My now husband when we were broken up before we got married he would send stupid short texts just to get my attention and try to make me respond like one time he send me something like " im sorry for" lol and i wouldn't respond if you did that is all they need to feel at ease a response from you to feel like "oh ok i still have her in the palm of my hand". In order for them to appreciate and realize what they lost, they need to loose it first if you get what i mean and this is not done by simply breaking up and stil texting each other, no it is breaking up and cutting all contact making them feel like "omg why wont she answer she always used to!" i dont know if this makes sense? By cutting all contact you are doing this, you are setting yourself up to be respected and valued and this is ALOT. I know temptation TRUST ME i was there and just stand your ground once you get the hang of it you will not even think twice about texting him.
all_cats_rgray Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Everyone seems so optimistic in these post, I just don't want to get your hopes up. I mean i was in a 7 year and yeah, he left when the idea of marriage freaked him out. They don't come back so easily, it could be 5-6 years of wandering. And by then, you will not be waiting. Advice: NC, NC, NC.... it hurts alot. It should. Sorry if my advice is simple. But its been a year since my BU. And really, you become indifferent. Everday I feel less and less about this issues (aka the BU) I find myself forgetting about him. Never thought that would happen. It does. NC.
lavenderlove Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 No contact works wonders really. Except when your ex is addicted to being handled badly. It's like the less I appear to want him, the harder he works for me. Our relationship has been this endless ebb and flow. I hated this. I enjoy expressing my love. But with him I knew I have to hold back. It makes no sense. I broke up with him a few years back, and he fought hard to get me back. Now we broke up again, because he is totally freaked out by commitment. Not marriage, but the essence of commitment. Crossing the line. So again, we play lots of cat and mouse games, and I kind of gave up. And he kind of knows there is no point chasing anymore, because the problem lies in within his twisted personality. Anyhow be prepared that he will probably want you more if you ignore him, but this might not be a solution either. There is a reason why he left. It beats me why people think this way, that they are not good enough for you. So then work hard and become good enough. ??? There is something I have an inkling he is not honest about. Either way no contact is the way to go. Ignore him.
Recommended Posts