DelusionalOne Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 98% of the time when I think about xMOM I'm fine. I don't feel good, I don't feel bad... I feel nothing. 2% of the time I will come out here and a thread or a post will trigger something. Here's the stupid part... After dday him staying with his W and child? Nope. I really am past that. The thing that tears me up inside when I think about it... Is the fact he already has another OW. I know I mentioned it before and I know it should mean nothing... But a post out here triggered something and THAT still feel like a knife in the gut. I know... Stupid.
So happy together Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 I don't think it is stupid at all. When you were in the affair, you knew he had a W and child. Now that you're out, you feel that he's replaced YOU personally, and that sucks. How you are feeling makes absolute sense, and may even give you a window into how the BS felt... I'm just guessing though, as I've not been BS. Hang in there. Sometimes it just sucks. 2
Author DelusionalOne Posted April 25, 2013 Author Posted April 25, 2013 I would tell his wife I'm a bitch like that LOL... You made me laugh! Oh.... The things I could have told his wife. But I didn't.
Author DelusionalOne Posted April 25, 2013 Author Posted April 25, 2013 How you are feeling makes absolute sense, and may even give you a window into how the BS felt... I'm just guessing though, as I've not been BS. I have been the BS... I got to admit... The feeling is close... At least for me. 1
Praying4Peace Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 Listen to what his behaviors tell you about HIM. He's not happy. He couldn't go through all the withdrawal and junk that you and I are going through. He needed a quick fix and from your earlier threads you mentioned he threw out some breadcrumbs that you ignored. So he had to find someone else to fill whatever gap/hole/deficiency he feels is in his life. He's the one that ended it on Dday saying he was going to make an effort for the wife and kids. Now you can see that that wasn't true. That was just his fear of losing his life talking. So don't feel bad. I'm sure its harder to start an EA from scratch. This is no reflection on your worth and its not a reflection on his W's worth either. He needs something and is too weak, cowardly, dishonest to either get it from his W or move the hell on and let her be with someone who actually wants to be with HER and not what she 'comes with'. I know you feel replaceable but please don't. Do you feel jealous of the new OW? Don't. She's headed to the same terrible place you're in now. You wanna really be a bitch? Tell BOTH of them. Yeah...but don't really. Just heal yourself. Feel pity for him. I'm sorry you are hurting. It's all easier said than done. ((BIG HUGS)) to you and just let it all out on this thread. 2
Silly_Girl Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 I think a lot of people can and do have a one time episode of cheating, but when it's a lifestyle or pattern, it speaks to their true character and it's not good. Those kind of men victimize all women they get involved with. Women are disposable to them and they are trying to fill some gaping black hole inside themselves. As opposed to filling a gaping black hole inside someone else? Sorry! Couldn't resist... 2
Author DelusionalOne Posted April 25, 2013 Author Posted April 25, 2013 That fact that he has OOW should make you feel better. He was no catch. I don't know why it should make me feel better. But you are right... He was/is definitely no catch!
MissBee Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 98% of the time when I think about xMOM I'm fine. I don't feel good, I don't feel bad... I feel nothing. 2% of the time I will come out here and a thread or a post will trigger something. Here's the stupid part... After dday him staying with his W and child? Nope. I really am past that. The thing that tears me up inside when I think about it... Is the fact he already has another OW. I know I mentioned it before and I know it should mean nothing... But a post out here triggered something and THAT still feel like a knife in the gut. I know... Stupid. Hey Delusional (*LOL this is such a weird thing to call someone . I feel like the mods are about to give me an infraction for this), It's not stupid. It's like anyone who has broken up and finds out that their ex got a new partner, esp if it seems sudden or if they gave you hope or if you haven't as yet moved on in that regard. Just like in that case, I think feelings of being "replaceable" and thus "not that special" arise when you see this person "simply move on." In an A, I think people accept the spouse and, whether consciously or subconsciously, I think all affairs rest on an idea that you are special and add something that is different/better than the spouse, so it's easy to ignore the spouse and their pre-existing life. However, when the MP adds a new OW/OM there is little you can tell yourself to feel better and it flies in the face of being special and brings up feelings of not being good enough, being bamboozled and being replaceable. It's not about you though. I remember when my ex (single guy) got his first new gf after me, I was devastated. Then he broke up with her 3 months later and got another one, and another, and all the while he would come back to me first for like 2 weeks, then disappear and appear later with a new woman. It was all too much. In the beginning I would internalize it, then I later realized HE has a problem. None of this is remotely related to me and I simply got caught in his web and was now free to leave. So are you . Your worth has nothing to do with him. Whether you were special to him or not, you're special regardless and you don't need the validation of a philanderer. 2
Author DelusionalOne Posted April 25, 2013 Author Posted April 25, 2013 (edited) You are all so nice. Thank you for your kind and supportive words. They really do help! I was so afraid I was going to get a bunch "serves your right... You deserve it" posts... Learn from my mistakes and move on. Edited April 25, 2013 by DelusionalOne Typo 2
firstandlast Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 98% of the time when I think about xMOM I'm fine. I don't feel good, I don't feel bad... I feel nothing. 2% of the time I will come out here and a thread or a post will trigger something. Here's the stupid part... After dday him staying with his W and child? Nope. I really am past that. The thing that tears me up inside when I think about it... Is the fact he already has another OW. I know I mentioned it before and I know it should mean nothing... But a post out here triggered something and THAT still feel like a knife in the gut. I know... Stupid. Not stupid. It's one of those things that shouldn't make sense ("You knew he was a cheater -- what did you expect?") but I totally know how you feel. You accepted him being married because you thought you were the exception -- if only it weren't for his wife, you'd be together. I've been in the same boat, with genders reversed. In a way, though, knowing he has another OW can be freeing. If it weren't for my xMOW finding someone else, I might have gone back to my marriage thinking I had somehow missed out on the love of a lifetime. Think of this as a reality check. Sometimes clichés are true: it wasn't you. It was him. 1
Author DelusionalOne Posted April 26, 2013 Author Posted April 26, 2013 (edited) Honestly... I never once thought of myself as "special" or "better" than his W. I never "hated" her or thought she was standing between me and my "true love". He never bashed her and I never bashed my H. We complained about the usually bullcrap stuff that happens in a marriage (i.e., she left dishes in the sink overnight again....He didn't take out the trash and left it for me to do - kind of stuff). I didn't think I was special. Just different. It truly was just a friendship that ultimately crossed boundaries. It wasn't until we confessed to each other that we were both BS's (it's not something you go bragging about) that I think the boundaries started to get crossed. Those are some deep feelings you start talking about and sharing. For a while, the first 2x I walked away, I thought I was alone in my "little crush". After he told me how he felt, There were many many many times when I was driving in the car or sitting up at night thinking "Holy shyte! WHAT AM I DOING?" "What am I going to do?" "What are we going to do?" He told me he never cheated on anyone before ever. Why wouldn't I believe him... I never had either. Ever. I guess it hurts because I believed him. Maybe my feeling were wrong, but they were real. Mine were and it's obvious, no matter how wrong, his weren't. I pity his wife more than him. For me, it's over. I will heal, I will move on...older and wiser. For her... I guess I was just one of many. Edited April 26, 2013 by DelusionalOne
thefooloftheyear Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 I think a lot of people can and do have a one time episode of cheating, but when it's a lifestyle or pattern, it speaks to their true character and it's not good. Those kind of men victimize all women they get involved with. Women are disposable to them and they are trying to fill some gaping black hole inside themselves. Agree.... After what this has put me through, I would sooner sever my arm with a plastic butter knife than go through this again... As for OP, I can see why you would feel bitter/sad about that...Totally understandable. TFY 1
Author DelusionalOne Posted April 26, 2013 Author Posted April 26, 2013 Agree.... After what this has put me through, I would sooner sever my arm with a plastic butter knife than go through this again... TFY Yep! Me too!
Aurora1 Posted May 2, 2013 Posted May 2, 2013 That fact that he has OOW should make you feel better. He was no catch. Umm, I think the part of him cheating on his wife with her should have told her that he was no catch. But at least she threw him back and he is someone else's problem.
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