she wants to be friends arghhhhhhhh

[scotthx1]

ok ok new to the site so hi .

 

heres my problem started chatting to a girl online about a month ago been single a while and all the previous guys have treated her like rubbish, when we met was a good time was just about to leave her and she kissed me, 2nd date exactly the same ended in kiss and yup 3 date the same , however on this date things were different she obviously had figured im looking for something long lasting , and in conversation said she would be happy with just being friends , i was in shock and still blagging my head to why , well she msgd me today saying dont think we should meet again as she wants to be friends, is there anything i can say to change her mind. or is it a simple either attempt to be friends or walk away cheers scott .

[Treasa]

Unless you're ok with just being "friends" then I would recommend walking away. Don't even reply.

[Jbum5]

She got cold feet either because she fears long-term commitment or someone else caught her attention. If you want to win, move on.

[scotthx1]

Unless you're ok with just being "friends" then I would recommend walking away. Don't even reply.

hmmm i dunno if im happy with "friends", i said to her when she first said that comment, if we hadnt got on sooo well and enjoyed each others company alot, i would of understood but i think shes playing it safe by just saying only friends but i dunno what to do .

[SJC2008]

Some guys want to be friends. One guy even made a song about it!

[scotthx1]

Some guys want to be friends. One guy even made a song about it!

i want to be more than just "friends" with her hence my confusion , normally i would walk off and try again but i want to see what may happen,

[charlietheginger]

Lets be friends

Lets not meet again

 

Get the picture

[Jefezen]

She was obviously at least somewhat interested in you when there's kissing at the end of dates and you went out three times. There could be another guy in the picture to complicate matters. It could be that she's nervous about you coming on too hard, too soon, or alternatively, as JBum suggested, that she fears long-term commitment. Sometimes people walk away from something that seems too good to be true because they subconsciously don't think they deserve it. Other times they withdraw because they fear they'll eventually make a fatal mistake and would rather quit in the present than risk future suffering. There could also just be a simple misunderstanding.

 

In general, the conventional wisdom is to give up at the first hint of resistance or failure. I don't like that kind of defeatist attitude. When you surrender, a loss is guaranteed. If you try, you might succeed. The chances are slim after the friend speech, but theoretically possible. As long as someone remains in your life, the opportunity exists for that relationship to evolve, as all relationships do, whether business, familial, platonic, or romantic. Sometimes when you get to know someone in a different context, it helps clarify your feelings. You might like them more. You might like them less and feel emotionally liberated to pursue someone else.

 

We don't know anything about this woman's history, her circumstances, what else could be going on in her life, whether she's fickle and changes her mind back and forth a million times, etc. Sometimes people like to see what else is out there before committing to one person, and if you give them the chance to do that, they'll flounder around for a little while, appreciate what they had in you, and come back. The possibilities are manifold.

 

If you like someone, I think you owe it to yourself to cautiously exhaust all reasonable avenues to win her affection. Otherwise you will always second guess yourself. You'll wonder if there was something more you could have done to make it work. You'll hang onto your idealized fantasy of someone who only exists in your imagination.

 

As I've noted in other threads, there's a difference between persisting in the pursuit of someone who once showed interest in you, and persisting in the pursuit of someone who never did; in the former, there was some kind of attraction that pulled you together, something from which to build. In the latter, there was never anything in the first place, and therefore nothing to salvage. I'm going through a similar situation right now so I realize that much of what I say is wishful thinking. But the point still stands that quitting guarantees failure, trying at least gives you a theoretical chance to succeed. There definitely are examples of people who were rejected early on, kept trying, and eventually got what they wanted. There are also examples of people who were friendzoned and subsequently promoted.

 

I think there are four keys to the persistence approach:

 

1. Don't be confident in your ability to win the object of your affection.

 

I know it sounds counter-intuitive to be pessimistic in your ability to win the person you want, but the reason for this is to safeguard your own emotional well-being. You have to be realistic. You have to understand that your chances are bleak. Otherwise you'll get your hopes up too much and you'll be in for a rough, protracted fall when the situation exacerbates, as it most often does. If you recognize the low probability of success, if you can try to take on the nonchalant attitude of, "If I succeed, great, if I fail, whatever, no big loss" then you'll be in a better position mentally.

 

2. Don't turn clingy, needy, outwardly emotional, conspicuously obsessive.

 

Men and women alike are not attracted to people who come across as desperate or weak. Don't beg, don't mope, don't whine. You need to act like nothing has changed since you were rejected or given the friend speech. Act self-assured. Look happy. Project the same quality attributes that attracted you to the person in the first place.

 

3. Patience.

 

Expect non-responsiveness. Someone who just rejected you or downgraded you to friend status clearly isn't interested for the time being (if ever). Give the person space. Don't hover physically or electronically. Find a reasonable excuse to contact him or her from time to time, and keep it playful and brief. Don't ask for too much, don't expect too much.

 

4. Actively and frequently pursue new prospects.

 

Sometimes it's not the person we lost that hurts as much as the loss itself. We've invested ourselves emotionally in what either was a relationship or what we hoped would become one. Finding a substitute person can give us some of those excited anticipatory feelings again, restoring our hope and self-confidence. It may help us realize that the previous object of our affection wasn't worth all the fuss. Even if we still can't get over that person, finding someone new, or trying to find someone new, is the next best thing we can do unless we want to potentially be sad and alone forever.

[Xinreeki]

i want to be more than just "friends" with her hence my confusion , normally i would walk off and try again but i want to see what may happen,

 

If you are really keen on her than I say hang in there. At least if you stay friends there is a chance you might get another shot later on, and even if you don't, the friendship itself may prove beneficial and being just friends you'll be free to look around for other options too.

 

A lot of people will probably tell you to walk away if you want more than friendship, but sometimes girls/women actually like to be friends with a guy before they become an item, as shocking and possibly rare - (I haven't done the maths ) - as that may be. I know this because that is how I like my relationships to develop, from friendship to closer friendship and finally to something more. And thats how all my relationships have progressed, including my current one which is so far going great. In the beginning I told my now bf I just wanted to be friends first and see what happened (true it wasn't exactly like your situation, and everyone is different but if you give up now you'll have to accept that you'll never know where things might have gone)

 

Of course there is a possibility -(maybe with a high probability, again I haven't done the maths )- that the concept of "friends becoming something more over time", may not be on her radar at all and it may turn out that she never changes her mind and will always only think of you as a friend.

 

I suppose what you need to decide is whether you can bare to hang in there, make a few more attempts to meet up and get closer to her when the time feels right. Or whether you really couldn't stick in there and watch her potentially hook up with other guys.

 

Its a tough call I agree.

 

In the end it all depends whether you want to take the risk of agreeing to just friendship now in the hopes that you may later grow closer and she may later change her mind. Or whether you want to draw a line under it here and now and just completely move on, forget about her and never talk to her again.

 

Although, if you agree to friendship now and it becomes too hard for you to maintain later on, you could always pull back / drift away at that point.

 

Either way I wish you all the best.

[Jefezen]

Although, if you agree to friendship now and it becomes too hard for you to maintain later on, you could always pull back / drift away at that point.

Excellent, underrated point. Why do so many people advise immediately severing all ties after a rejection or friendzoning? What's the rush? If you're not ready to let go, what's the harm in hanging in there, as long as you maintain a realistic outlook and pursue other options simultaneously?

 

You are always in control of your own conduct. If you decide you can't take it anymore, you can back away at any time. It's not as though committing today to the patient persistence approach means you must remain committed to it forever. For example, maybe after a month you see her cozying up to some other guy and it's too much for you to bear. Or perhaps after three months you meet someone else and you don't care what happens with this woman anymore. You can drop the pursuit/"friendship" at either of those junctures. It's entirely up to you; never forget that this is as much about what you want, and what you can do, as what she wants and what she can do; never surrender the sovereignty of your own decisions to another.

 

I'm not suggesting you do anything irresponsible and get yourself into trouble either, of course. Even from the most selfish perspective, you have to respect another person's boundaries for strategic purposes. Just don't forget that you too have power.

Edited April 25, 2013 by Jefezen

[DaSkullCrusher]

No Contact.

Move on.

She denied you.

Sucks but that's part of dating.

Best of luck to you.