ForcedToAccept Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 It’s been a little over a month since D-Day. The day I foundout that my husband of almost 5 years and father of my three year old daughter,just might have fathered this 5 month old little girl that this woman contactedme in regards to Makes your stomach drop, just thinking about it, doesn’t it?If you’ve ever discovered that your husband, the one you have given youreverything to, built a life for and around, fathered another woman’s child, youknow what I mean. That child that was supposed to be my second child, his spermwas supposed to create only for me! I felt so robbed of my future. How could hedo this to me? His wife, ten years younger than himself at the age of 22, wasn’tworthy enough to be thought about during an extramarital affair with a woman atthe age of almost forty, and being 100lbs bigger than I, to even stop and thinkabout birth control? I was so shocked to discover that the man I devoted myeverything to had such lack of control. Buh! Now that I’ve put my drowning emotions aside and have takenthe forgiveness, reconciliation, and rebuilding path, I am having trouble acceptingthe fact that this other woman is going to be in my life for quite some time. Iknow I need to forgive her, but in all honesty, I feel like I am just trying toaccept her and this child into my life to “show” her that she is not worth afailed marriage, that she is not worth what she says she is to him. We had afew confrontations, where she popped off all sorts of lies about him having9-10 orgasms per day by her, etc. She also decided to call us all sorts ofnames, like loser parents, white trash, etc. I love children, I feel I couldlove her child greatly—I already love his other child from a previous relationship.She is as innocent as I am, how could I not love her? But this woman is not.She knew my husband was mine. She knew us. She even confessed to me that shepursued him to great and desperate extent (I know my husband isn’t innocenteither, please don’t bash me for being “blind”, I am not and know very well whois the one who should be held responsible for this act). I just don’t know howI could ever truly forgive her, rather than only wanting to flaunt that “I won”(even though there was really no competition, he ended the affair before shetold him about the pregnancy and there was no doubt that he struggled with thisguilt for quite some time). I need help on reasons why I should forgive thiswoman, in order to live my life happily with my “new” family. Thank you for all opinions, thoughts, and concerns.
eleanorrigby Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 I would go to an attorney and talk about options. It's my understanding that the first person to file for child support gets the lions share. Get your child protected first, then figure out the rest. 2
underwater2010 Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 You do not have to forgive her. In fact you don't even have to like her. But, you do have to be civil to her....ecspecially in front of her child. 1
TigerCub Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 What a sad mess OP, I commend you for recognizing that the baby born from the affair is innocent and deserves to be treated with love. I think some people when face with that enormous amount of pain from that kind of a betrayal can't help but resent the child. And I think it take a truly compassionate heart to be feeling for this child like you do. I can only echo everyone else's sentiments about how you don't need to forgive her, or like her. You just need to be civil for the children. You mentioned that your husband ended the affair with her before he knew she was pregnant - do you know if the child is really his. I STRONGLY urge you to make sure your husband gets a paternity test done for the baby if it hasn't already been done. I'm sorry that this has happened to you. 10
Jenn.Smith Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 I second a paternity test. This woman cannot be trusted. She may be looking for a way to keep her MM in her life and the child really isn't his. I feel sorry for the "love child". What a hard life ahead 4
2sure Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 OP says it has only been around a month since DDay. Given that, emotions and craziness are no doubt still in over drive. I think it shows a lot of self reflection when you explain that although youve chosen the path of reconciliation - you are not yet sure if you are motivated by wanting the marriage OR by not wanting OW to be the reason the marriage fails. That is totally Valid & Natural in my opinion - especially in early days. You sound sincere when you say you think you can love and accept the child. However, you know the drill - the mother and the child are a package. Under these circumstances , thats going to be a hard thing. Sounds like the XOW is vulgar, desperate, and in general not gonna be fun to be around. That could change though - motherhood is humbling as you know. Its really really really good advice for you to see an attorney with the intention of protecting Your Childs interest in the event of ANY circumstances , now or in the future. Its your responsibility to know where you stand. Also, you and your husband should jointly agree that after the birthg of the baby all contact & decisions should be by you both Jointly. 5
daylily Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 You are so young... Get out! You need to divorce his worthless a$$. File NOW - do it before she goes to friend of the court and files for child support! She will get much more in child support than you will if she files first and you stay with him only to divorce him later. I know what I am talking about here. 3
seren Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 OP, there is no rule book that says you have to forgive OW, nor do you have to accept your H's child by her, that you can says an awful lot about your character. I would go to see a solicitor, with your husband and, if you are both going to have access, get it all legally sorted. There is no need for your path's to cross, access can be arranged so the child is dropped off elsewhere and you and your H collect her. Over time it might be that a better option can be worked out, but it sounds like she is not at that stage yet, nor indeed is there any guarantee that she ever will be. I am assuming that finances will be discussed at some point and I would also urge a paternity test sooner rather than later before this avenue is explored. I hope all is well, you sound like a very forgiving person, but don't think that you have to, you just need to do what is right for you and yours. BNB brings up some points worth thinking about. 3
eddie1977 Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 I am so sorry to hear of your situation, I am currently dealing with my wife of 14 years having an affair. In my opinon other than a christian sense you are not obligated to forgive her. I am a christian man and i am certainly not ready to forgive her 26yo boyfriend. Again i am so sorry to hear of your problems
ComingInHot Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 It never ceases to throw me how a baby, innocent in every way, can come from such a guilty betrayal. But the child IS innocent none the less and should be treated as such. Forgiveness, ultimately will be of most benefit to You. As for exOW, if her nature is truly as selfish as she appears, I wish you strength. Find out One Hundred Percent that the child is your H's. Seek legal council asap to find out what arrangements can be made that all parties Must follow should legal action be taken. You have nothing to prove to Anyone, especially exOW. And she already knows that..* 1
BetrayedH Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 You have no need to forgive someone who has not even asked for forgiveness, let alone earned it. I recommend the book, How Can I Forgive You? 3
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