Goodbye Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Goodbye- Let it all out here... And its normal to go through all the triggers, memories don't disappear just because we want them to. *sigh* wouldn't that be nice! Yeah...well, I caved and emailed again. I'm not sure it is really a bad thing. It is just still part of the shutting off phase, I guess.
Author Praying4Peace Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 Has he responded to these emails of yours?
Goodbye Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Yes, it was one email. He did respond. Said he hopes I know he loves me even though we aren't in contact. Of course, that wasn't the question I asked. I did ask him to call me. I do have some things I'd like to say to him before finally signing off. We'll see what happens. I think this is just part of the "detox" for me. I am letting go.
DelusionalOne Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Yeah...well, I caved and emailed again. I'm not sure it is really a bad thing. It is just still part of the shutting off phase, I guess. You gotta do what's best for you. As odd as it sounds, part of me admires your guts. No matter how strong the urge to contact xOM is... I just don't have the guts to do it.... Never will. Fear stops me every time. Now it's been so long... I know I never will. And that's a good thing ...for me.
White Flower Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 I stopped listening to all music after we broke it off because of certain songs. Now I keep it on and if a trigger song comes on I LEAVE it on and if I have my mini breakdown or my eyes tear up I just let the emotions come. Do you think this reopens the wound or helps with healing? I am in IC but she's not very good...I know I need someone new if anyone at all. I asked her this question and she said that the emotions need to come into you and pass through you. That if you bury all your feelings they will erupt like a tsunami later on. Have you found this to be true? Perhaps there are gender differences in this area. Maybe burying is good so the feelings will just disintergrate and turn into dust. If time is a great healer does it matter what you do during that time? Thanks in advance for any advice from BS's or WS's. P4P Hi P4P, Your IC is correct. John Gray wrote a great book called, You Can Heal What You Feel. The concept of the book is the quicker we get to crying over a loss the faster we heal. I listen to the same CD every day since my breakup with xMM. I nearly cried every day for months, but now I snap my fingers to it and sing along. That is evidence of healing. This CD, and many other past triggers, are triggers of the past. Conquer each one of them in kind and you will be fine in no time. 1
RickFox Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 I avoided all music, areas where went, routes we drove.....all of those were triggers in the beginning and as time went on, I then slowly listened to certain songs and even focused on other music to help me move on. I found solace in GodSmack's "I f'in hate you" and a bunch of other angry heavy metal. I then later turned to Gotye's "Now you're somebody that I used to know." My town is a trigger, the time of year is a trigger, our kids school is a trigger, but after all this time, NOBODY, pulls that trigger anymore, memories are just that for me, fleeting images, and I hold no emotion to them anymore...just a point in my past.
Author Praying4Peace Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 I avoided all music, areas where went, routes we drove.....all of those were triggers in the beginning and as time went on, I then slowly listened to certain songs and even focused on other music to help me move on. I found solace in GodSmack's "I f'in hate you" and a bunch of other angry heavy metal. I then later turned to Gotye's "Now you're somebody that I used to know." My town is a trigger, the time of year is a trigger, our kids school is a trigger, but after all this time, NOBODY, pulls that trigger anymore, memories are just that for me, fleeting images, and I hold no emotion to them anymore...just a point in my past. I can't listen to that song without feeling like I'm going to be physically ill. You're my hero!
Goodbye Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 You gotta do what's best for you. As odd as it sounds, part of me admires your guts. No matter how strong the urge to contact xOM is... I just don't have the guts to do it.... Never will. Fear stops me every time. Now it's been so long... I know I never will. And that's a good thing ...for me. Well, as long as you have closure. I'm getting closer to having closure. I admire your conviction with NC, I suppose. Btw, what are you afraid of? That he will say he still wants you? Or that he'll be indifferent?
sunshine6 Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Hi everyone, I was hoping I could get some advice from people who have been through this. I am going through a divorce due to my affair with a MM. I am leaving this marriage for reasons that do not have to do with him. We no longer speak and he is working on his marriage and I am just trying to get on with life. I do have a LOT of triggers. I feel like I'm fine but then I drive to a certain area, hear a certain song, eat at a certain restaurant and I'm a mess. I seem to think its better to expose yourself to triggers- perhaps to desensitize? Or is it better to just avoid everything as long as possible until you've healed (meaning after a few years). I am supposed to do some volunteer work this Saturday and when I found out where it was taking place I tried to get out of it but then felt bad and kept my commitment. The location is just down the street from ex-AP's home. I know that I'll react badly. I stopped listening to all music after we broke it off because of certain songs. Now I keep it on and if a trigger song comes on I LEAVE it on and if I have my mini breakdown or my eyes tear up I just let the emotions come. Do you think this reopens the wound or helps with healing? It really stinks that so many things are completely ruined for me- its trigger city all over the place. I am in IC but she's not very good...I know I need someone new if anyone at all. I asked her this question and she said that the emotions need to come into you and pass through you. That if you bury all your feelings they will erupt like a tsunami later on. Have you found this to be true? Perhaps there are gender differences in this area. Maybe burying is good so the feelings will just disintergrate and turn into dust. If time is a great healer does it matter what you do during that time? Thanks in advance for any advice from BS's or WS's. P4P Honestly, I think triggers just need time. I was with a guy for 5 years, almost 7 years out now and I still get a small twinge when I pass by our old hangouts - it's not in a heartbreaking way anymore, though, just nostalgic. Maybe you could try to associate new feelings with certain things? Like the music... When you are listening to it, make a point to think about something else, fantasize about a new love. Maybe you can begin to associate it with something new that way, instead. As for burying feelings - don't! Your therapist is right. They will find a way to come up to the surface and it will be when you least expect it, even possibly when you're in a better place. I am a strong believer in getting them out and working through them. Burying is what caused my rock bottom depression. A lot of stuff that I had not thought about in YEARS surfaced and tore me apart. Best of luck to you. Give everything time. 1
DelusionalOne Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Well, as long as you have closure. I'm getting closer to having closure. I admire your conviction with NC, I suppose. Btw, what are you afraid of? That he will say he still wants you? Or that he'll be indifferent? Well, I think that closure is an illusion and only comes from time and distance. Don't admire my conviction to NC...it is completely motivated by fear. No I don't think he'll tell me he still wants me...he's already moved on to another woman. Quite the opposite...my heart couldn't bear it if he told me he never wanted to hear from me again. I never felt love before like I felt for him...the additional rejection would kill me. NC (even fear based) gives me the illusion of control. Pathetic....I know.
Goodbye Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 You gotta do what's best for you. As odd as it sounds, part of me admires your guts. No matter how strong the urge to contact xOM is... I just don't have the guts to do it.... Never will. Fear stops me every time. Now it's been so long... I know I never will. And that's a good thing ...for me. Well, I think that closure is an illusion and only comes from time and distance. Don't admire my conviction to NC...it is completely motivated by fear. No I don't think he'll tell me he still wants me...he's already moved on to another woman. Quite the opposite...my heart couldn't bear it if he told me he never wanted to hear from me again. I never felt love before like I felt for him...the additional rejection would kill me. NC (even fear based) gives me the illusion of control. Pathetic....I know. No, not pathetic. Just raw and honest. As awful as it sounds, at least you kind of get closure from him moving onto another woman.
spice4life Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 Honestly, I think triggers just need time. I was with a guy for 5 years, almost 7 years out now and I still get a small twinge when I pass by our old hangouts - it's not in a heartbreaking way anymore, though, just nostalgic. Maybe you could try to associate new feelings with certain things? Like the music... When you are listening to it, make a point to think about something else, fantasize about a new love. Maybe you can begin to associate it with something new that way, instead. As for burying feelings - don't! Your therapist is right. They will find a way to come up to the surface and it will be when you least expect it, even possibly when you're in a better place. I am a strong believer in getting them out and working through them. Burying is what caused my rock bottom depression. A lot of stuff that I had not thought about in YEARS surfaced and tore me apart. Best of luck to you. Give everything time. Sunshine is spot on especially the bolded part! Same thing happened to me. I hit a massive depression when old stuff that I had buried was triggered by a certain situation. If you don't process the feelings now as they are happening they will come out later "sideways!" The movie "Sideways" illustrates this point perfectly. The whole movie is about how unresolved feelings can motivate a person's actions. Feelings are like air; what goes in Must come out...if they don't you start to malfunction!
lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 I avoided all music, areas where went, routes we drove.....all of those were triggers in the beginning and as time went on, I then slowly listened to certain songs and even focused on other music to help me move on. I found solace in GodSmack's "I f'in hate you" and a bunch of other angry heavy metal. I then later turned to Gotye's "Now you're somebody that I used to know." My town is a trigger, the time of year is a trigger, our kids school is a trigger, but after all this time, NOBODY, pulls that trigger anymore, memories are just that for me, fleeting images, and I hold no emotion to them anymore...just a point in my past. My xom posted an instrumental version of this song online where he knew I would see it. I spent a month trying to figure it out since he was the one that went nc completely. Since we communicated through song lyrics I knew it was a safe way to do it because it was someone who played his favorite guitar brand and no lyrics. I still don't completely get it because in the video SHE is giving him hell...
Author Praying4Peace Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 Whoa LilMiss- When did he post that? The song isn't that old...
Author Praying4Peace Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 Spice4Life and WhiteFlower- thank you so much for your kind advice. It means a lot. I'm a pretty emotional person normally so its very hard for me to 'stuff it'. I know this sounds messed up but my exAP and I discussed this often and also the last time we spent together. He's a typical male in how he deals with emotion. His advice and technique is to just keep busy, busy, busy and don't give yourself any time to think about it. Shove it in a box in the back closet of your mind. I am so jealous of people who can do that. Perhaps its a male trait. I feel like I'm always a pot that's about the boil over. I can be at the store and just have a thought and my eyes well up with tears. I'm trying to learn how to keep things under control. Sometimes I think that all the pain of the whole A is coming out now. There were some things that happened that I haven't dealt with AT ALL. I also have to focus on a professional license I need to go back to work after a decade of not practicing in my field and its just an enormous task. I figured it will give me self confidence, $ for my kids, and take my mind off of things. I took your advice, however, and put Pandora on my phone tonight and cleaned the kitchen while dancing around (I love music and I love to dance). Wouldn't you know it- three trigger songs and I sang along and kept my thoughts neutral. Wasn't so bad. I don't want to t/j my own thread but I think the 'closure' i got was more like torture and that's what is making it so hard to move on... Thanks again- it's comforting to talk to people who understand. P4P
spice4life Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Spice4Life and WhiteFlower- thank you so much for your kind advice. It means a lot. I'm a pretty emotional person normally so its very hard for me to 'stuff it'. I know this sounds messed up but my exAP and I discussed this often and also the last time we spent together. He's a typical male in how he deals with emotion. His advice and technique is to just keep busy, busy, busy and don't give yourself any time to think about it. Shove it in a box in the back closet of your mind. I am so jealous of people who can do that. Perhaps its a male trait. I feel like I'm always a pot that's about the boil over. I can be at the store and just have a thought and my eyes well up with tears. I'm trying to learn how to keep things under control. Sometimes I think that all the pain of the whole A is coming out now. There were some things that happened that I haven't dealt with AT ALL. I also have to focus on a professional license I need to go back to work after a decade of not practicing in my field and its just an enormous task. I figured it will give me self confidence, $ for my kids, and take my mind off of things. I took your advice, however, and put Pandora on my phone tonight and cleaned the kitchen while dancing around (I love music and I love to dance). Wouldn't you know it- three trigger songs and I sang along and kept my thoughts neutral. Wasn't so bad. I don't want to t/j my own thread but I think the 'closure' i got was more like torture and that's what is making it so hard to move on... Thanks again- it's comforting to talk to people who understand. P4P You're welcome. To the bolded part...that's why he is having affairs! Instead of dealing with his emotions properly he seeks distraction in unhealthy ways. Actually, a healthy typical male goes into his cave to sort out the emotions and comes up with answers on how do handle them authentically. Don't mistake retreating to a cave as stuffing emotions. It doesn't sound like your MM does this...he seeks distractions rather than dealing with the issues. I could be off though because I don't really know the whole story.
Author Praying4Peace Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 Spice4Life- I guess I'll post my whole story on another thread soon. I think he was talking about how to 'forget someone you love' and all that. I have NO clue what a 'cave' is and what goes on in there...problem solving? I grew up in a home full of girls
spice4life Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 (edited) Just remember Praying4peace that you are going through a very stressful time right now (seperation and divorce) so you will feel a lot more vulnerable. Stressful times make us a lot more vulnerable to triggers. As long as you recognize that then it will be a lot easier to control them and not let them impact you too much. When they happen find something to do that makes you feel warm and safe. I mean anyting except contacting your exAP of course. Edited April 29, 2013 by spice4life
Author Praying4Peace Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 Just remember Praying4peace that you are going through a very stressful time right now (seperation and divorce) so you will feel a lot more vulnerable. Stressful times make us a lot more vulnerable to triggers. As long as you recognize that then it will be a lot easier to control them and not let them impact you too much. When they happen find something to do that makes you feel warm and safe. I mean anyting except contacting your exAP of course. This is quite the OPPOSITE of what would make me feel warm and safe. I honestly get the shakes and feel queasy when I see/hear anything having to do with him or his W. Its like PTSD. My heart beats rapidly and I get short of breath so I definitely don't need to worry about breaking NC. However- when I have triggers that bring back fond memories, that sometimes makes me feel warm and safe. I'm getting to a point where I think I'm just ready to let it all go...thanks for your support! 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Whoa LilMiss- When did he post that? The song isn't that old... Last October/November-And i know it -that's what it drove me crazy trying to figure out what it meant - still no answers.
Recommended Posts