WS Triggers

[Praying4Peace]

Hi everyone,

 

I was hoping I could get some advice from people who have been through this. I am going through a divorce due to my affair with a MM. I am leaving this marriage for reasons that do not have to do with him. We no longer speak and he is working on his marriage and I am just trying to get on with life.

 

I do have a LOT of triggers. I feel like I'm fine but then I drive to a certain area, hear a certain song, eat at a certain restaurant and I'm a mess. I seem to think its better to expose yourself to triggers- perhaps to desensitize? Or is it better to just avoid everything as long as possible until you've healed (meaning after a few years).

 

I am supposed to do some volunteer work this Saturday and when I found out where it was taking place I tried to get out of it but then felt bad and kept my commitment. The location is just down the street from ex-AP's home. I know that I'll react badly.

 

I stopped listening to all music after we broke it off because of certain songs. Now I keep it on and if a trigger song comes on I LEAVE it on and if I have my mini breakdown or my eyes tear up I just let the emotions come. Do you think this reopens the wound or helps with healing?

 

It really stinks that so many things are completely ruined for me- its trigger city all over the place.

 

I am in IC but she's not very good...I know I need someone new if anyone at all. I asked her this question and she said that the emotions need to come into you and pass through you. That if you bury all your feelings they will erupt like a tsunami later on. Have you found this to be true? Perhaps there are gender differences in this area. Maybe burying is good so the feelings will just disintergrate and turn into dust. If time is a great healer does it matter what you do during that time?

 

Thanks in advance for any advice from BS's or WS's.

 

P4P

[DelusionalOne]

Hi P4P

I read this post with great interest and am looking forward to the responses. I too had a lot of triggers 3 months later. I'm just hoping that time is the great healer and eventually the triggers will mean nothing. I avoid them as much as possible as well. I tried the desensitizing method and that just brought more pain so I don't anymore. I don't agree that the flood of emotion will happen later if I don't deal with every single emotion now... I think it will just gradually fade into nothingness. I'm looking forward to hearing everyone else's experience.

[lynn1954]

I didn't avoid triggers to minimize pain, and I didn't seek out triggers to de-sensitize.

 

I just stepped-by-stepped through every day, every situation, and handled every trigger as I encountered it.

 

If something made me feel sad or angry, I let myself feel that and expressed it as I was able: crying, yelling, whatever.

 

Eventually, the strong associations became more neutral.

 

One way to decide what to do in each situation: is the trigger controlling you, or are you controlling the trigger?

 

If you avoid your commitment because exAP house is on same street, the trigger is controlling you: so suck it up, go to the commitment, feel sad and cry a little in private, but go to the commitment. Don't let the house trigger control your choice.

 

If you're listening to the radio and a trigger song comes on, just change the radio station: that is you controlling the trigger. No reason to feel sad if you don't need to.

[skywriter]

Hi everyone,

 

I was hoping I could get some advice from people who have been through this. I am going through a divorce due to my affair with a MM. I am leaving this marriage for reasons that do not have to do with him. We no longer speak and he is working on his marriage and I am just trying to get on with life.

 

I do have a LOT of triggers. I feel like I'm fine but then I drive to a certain area, hear a certain song, eat at a certain restaurant and I'm a mess. I seem to think its better to expose yourself to triggers- perhaps to desensitize? Or is it better to just avoid everything as long as possible until you've healed (meaning after a few years).

 

I am supposed to do some volunteer work this Saturday and when I found out where it was taking place I tried to get out of it but then felt bad and kept my commitment. The location is just down the street from ex-AP's home. I know that I'll react badly.

 

I stopped listening to all music after we broke it off because of certain songs. Now I keep it on and if a trigger song comes on I LEAVE it on and if I have my mini breakdown or my eyes tear up I just let the emotions come. Do you think this reopens the wound or helps with healing?

 

It really stinks that so many things are completely ruined for me- its trigger city all over the place.

 

I am in IC but she's not very good...I know I need someone new if anyone at all. I asked her this question and she said that the emotions need to come into you and pass through you. That if you bury all your feelings they will erupt like a tsunami later on. Have you found this to be true? Perhaps there are gender differences in this area. Maybe burying is good so the feelings will just disintergrate and turn into dust. If time is a great healer does it matter what you do during that time?

 

Thanks in advance for any advice from BS's or WS's.

 

P4P

 

Hi P4P,

 

I don't think that because you avoid listening to a song , you're burying feelings.

 

I see that as avoid unnecessary pain, not going somewhere that you might run into someone is avoid unnecessary conflict.

 

I understand not changing your life as well, and I wouldn't.

 

Time has been an excellent healer for myself, hope it will be kind to you as well. Its coming up on a year since I went NC.

[MissBee]

I know how you feel Praying....time is indeed what heals. No matter how you slice it, you're gonna be hypersensitive right now.

 

I remember when my exAP and I broke it off, EVERYTHING reminded me of him. The act of driving, roads, some of my favorite foods, songs, EVERYTHING! I couldn't escape it. I however, had to get on with life, as "cutting out everything" was impossible.

 

I think NC, by where you choose not to actively engage with this person is good. However, other everyday things will be reminders and you can't simply cut them out. What I learned is: your exposure to them won't kill you. You don't need to unnecessarily wallow in things that trigger you, but if it's part of your daily life, do them and remind yourself that it has nothing to do with him.

 

Eventually, although it will seem like a long time to wait, you'll not even realize when you stop reacting so strongly. It takes your brain some time to build up these associations and will also take some time to detach and to make new associations or ones that aren't emotionally charged.

[ThatJustHappened]

This is definitely not singular to affairs. When my boyfriend and I broke up I couldn't listen to music either (incidentally, I started listening to podcasts in my car instead and I rarely bother with music anymore now..might be something to try).

 

Honestly, the only thing that will heal you is time. You just have to go with the flow for the moment.

[Praying4Peace]

Thanks for your words. Went out and switched the radio twice and then just shut it off.

 

I guess I thought maybe if I can avoid all triggers it will help with what people call "Mental NC". When I get a trigger sometimes it makes me sad and sometimes it makes me reminisce. Oftentimes, both.

 

I've heard that men can push emotions off into another compartment and leave them there and that's not naturally my style...but I'm thinking why be in pain for a year when I can just avoid it all for a year with the same result.

 

Sometimes I wish I were a man....umm...wait...lemme think about that one...yeah forget that- no way

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I completely understand. There were certain songs that would have me curled up on a ball not able to move. At first, I would try to go to places we had lunch or parks we walked in hoping I could blow out old ghosts, but it wasn't working - it was only hindering me. So I eventually just avoided them completely - as best I could. Unfortunately because of where I live, there are some things that can't be avoided, but I do the best I can.

 

The biggest triggers are in my head unfortunately, but as others have said - time, time and more time - it helps immensely.

 

Also, I love music (huge part of my life) so I can't avoid completely (nor do I want to, but I went to sports radio in my car - it's mundane, but to me it was helpful and I have a lot more to talk about!

 

Hang in there - it's still very new for you.

[Goodbye]

Triggers are hell when you are in NC. I saw my exMM at a conference last month and I left my carry on bag packed and sitting in the corner of my room because it saddens me to look at it. I need to take all of the books he gave me off my book shelf...looking at them hurts. I've taken all of the clothes of his he gave me and separated them out...I used to sleep in his shirts when I missed him. Seeing them is like a kick in the stomach. Eventually I'll throw them out or send them back. I also have a box of pictures from when we were a couple two decades ago. Need to put that in the basement. I hope time really is the healer. Sometimes I wish life came with a fast forward button.

[thefooloftheyear]

Its killed my desire to listen to music..Which is a great love of mine. I actually never realized it before, because I never paid much attention to the actual lyrics, but is it me or does every other song(or more) contain lyrics about breakups and tragic loves lost?

 

Heard this

on my way home tonight...Talk about a way to get down....

 

All I listen to mostly now is business news and talk shows...It sucks!!

 

TFY

Edited April 26, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[Praying4Peace]

I have to admit something...

 

Sometimes I'll leave a song on the radio to see if all those feelings are still there. It's as if I'm testing myself to see if I still feel strongly about him.

 

I also have this very irrational thought that when my triggers don't affect me anymore then it means that he doesn't care anymore either. As if there is an expiration date or a half-life to affairs and I'm doing a science experiment. Makes no sense, I know.

 

He always told me that to deal with being without me he'd shove everything in the back of his mind and keep busy busy busy. And if he really needed to cry and his W saw he'd couch it terms of "I just feel so guilty that I ruined everything for us" and let her hold him. He's a real piece of work.

 

And look at me...the idiot...taking out memories, examining them, shaking them, peering at them, seeing if they still work...

[Dontknowanymore.]

I have heaps of triggers also one that I can't get away from is where my WH cheated on me with OW in ugly little shack of a house opp my children's school have to look at that disgusting house every day ! Didn't know OW would have triggers and if they do imagine how the wife feels

[Silly_Girl]

I was in a very bad place once, similar to what you describe. My counsellor suggested - because it was affecting my work - that I try and 'schedule' some grieving time.

 

During the day, when the emotions washed over me I was to quickly move on to something else, even stop what I was doing and start something else to prevent me from lingering... Then later, say after dinner or in the shower or a walk before bed was my 'time' to go over it all as much or as little as I wished. To cry and feel and immerse myself in it. But after that 'slot' (an hour if I needed it, then reducing over time) I, again, was to move on. Push the thoughts away.

 

It actually worked well for me. It gave me a mechanism so I felt empowered and as though I was helping myself and not some dribbly ball of mess! And in addition it was possible and helped me get through the daytimes much easier.

[waterwoman]

My listening habits were the things that changed after dday. I love classical music - particularly the Romantic composers. When I was on a long run I'd listen to Schuberts 9th Symphony or Grieg's Piano concerto for example. I had to banish those after dday - they raised too many emotions. As a BS I felt utterly worthless and hopeless - I didn't 'deserve' such beautiful music, I was a reject. I started to listen only to loud and abrasive music - I rediscovered early 80s punk, learned to love the Foo Fighters, Green Day and early Muse - anything that cudgelled my brain and stopped me feeling.

 

The other day I listened to Grieg again while I was walking the dog - it made me cry for a while. I guess I am ready to test those feelings again. But it is 10 months down the line.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Its killed my desire to listen to music..Which is a great love of mine. I actually never realized it before, because I never paid much attention to the actual lyrics, but is it me or does every other song(or more) contain lyrics about breakups and tragic loves lost?

 

Heard this

on my way home tonight...Talk about a way to get down....

 

All I listen to mostly now is business news and talk shows...It sucks!!

 

TFY

 

Wow - does that take me back!

 

Anyway, we communicated through lyrics so that was a HUGE part of our relationship. So, unfortunately, I could throw away all of the music we SHARED and still listen to a new song and think "he would love this song". It does suck!

[Act Two]

I completely understand. There were certain songs that would have me curled up on a ball not able to move. At first, I would try to go to places we had lunch or parks we walked in hoping I could blow out old ghosts, but it wasn't working - it was only hindering me. So I eventually just avoided them completely - as best I could. Unfortunately because of where I live, there are some things that can't be avoided, but I do the best I can.

 

The biggest triggers are in my head unfortunately, but as others have said - time, time and more time - it helps immensely.

 

Also, I love music (huge part of my life) so I can't avoid completely (nor do I want to, but I went to sports radio in my car - it's mundane, but to me it was helpful and I have a lot more to talk about!

 

Hang in there - it's still very new for you.

 

I can relate to this to. I tried to immerse myself in music that I knew would be painful to force myself to be over it, but that didn't work too well.

 

Unfortunately I've had to do a lot of grieving this year- exOM, my husband, marriage and family. My whole life is a big fat trigger! We all live in the same town, which isn't big enough for the three of us.

 

I did switch gyms to avoid exOM.

 

Oddly enough, U2 was always a group I had in common with my husband. A week or so ago, I listened to U2 all day to try to get over him too since we are splitting up. I thought I was ok, and then that night I went out to dinner with some girlfriends. What comes on the radio is "City of Blinding Lights" which was my song with my husband. When do you hear that song ever!? I could not believe it. I burst into tears right there in the restaurant.

 

UGH!!!!

[Goodbye]

Time of the year is also a huge trigger. It was this time last year that I took my first trip with the exMM. The air smells like it did last year when I was so excited and nervous. The temperature outside reminds me of our walks together. I pulled out some of my spring clothes and there were the outfits I bought special for the occasion. Ugh...heartache.

[Praying4Peace]

I have heaps of triggers also one that I can't get away from is where my WH cheated on me with OW in ugly little shack of a house opp my children's school have to look at that disgusting house every day ! Didn't know OW would have triggers and if they do imagine how the wife feels ��

 

That sounds terrible. Its very hard for the human mind to release bad/painful memories when they are so connected to a visual/audio/etc. Take care.

[thefooloftheyear]

Time of the year is also a huge trigger. It was this time last year that I took my first trip with the exMM. The air smells like it did last year when I was so excited and nervous. The temperature outside reminds me of our walks together. I pulled out some of my spring clothes and there were the outfits I bought special for the occasion. Ugh...heartache.

 

 

......*Sigh*......Yep.....

 

 

TFY

[Praying4Peace]

Goodbye-

Seems like you have an excellent memory for details. So do I. Its such a curse right now. I can also associate clothing with specific times. I need a whole new wardrobe. Great excuse!

[Praying4Peace]

Just wanted to report that I didn't go to my volunteer thing this morning. I had a really hard time last night with all these memories popping up in dreams and woke up really depressed.

 

I just couldn't bear to drive around that area. It's where exAP lives and also where my old work was (that I built from scratch but had to hand off to exAP and his W after it all came out).

 

I knew that being there today would ruin the whole day and I really need to be productive.

[Goodbye]

Just wanted to report that I didn't go to my volunteer thing this morning. I had a really hard time last night with all these memories popping up in dreams and woke up really depressed.

 

I just couldn't bear to drive around that area. It's where exAP lives and also where my old work was (that I built from scratch but had to hand off to exAP and his W after it all came out).

 

I knew that being there today would ruin the whole day and I really need to be productive.

 

Good decision P4P. Take care of you.

[lynn1954]

Just wanted to report that I didn't go to my volunteer thing this morning. I had a really hard time last night with all these memories popping up in dreams and woke up really depressed.

 

I just couldn't bear to drive around that area. It's where exAP lives and also where my old work was (that I built from scratch but had to hand off to exAP and his W after it all came out).

 

I knew that being there today would ruin the whole day and I really need to be productive.

 

That's okay, P4P. You realized that you couldn't handle it, so you made the choice to be good to yourself and save your day. I hope you have a good day because of that. Hugs!

[Goodbye]

Ugh, I'm navigating a trigger filled day.

[Praying4Peace]

Goodbye- Let it all out here... And its normal to go through all the triggers, memories don't disappear just because we want them to. *sigh* wouldn't that be nice!