pudf Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 Hi guys, Im 25 years-old and I´ve been dating this girl ( shes 4 years young ) for 3 years. We have a good relationship. I like her very much and its reciprocate. But today I see that I haven´t set boundaries in our relationship and I want then now. ( she did not set then as well ) In the first year I really didnt care about boundaries. I would to think 'If she goes out, cheat me with another dude then shes gone'. So I would let her go out dancing with her friends ( this is not very common in my country so ppl would ask why is she there alone, thats why im putting this here), I would say it was fine if she wanted to talk to her ex. I mostly did not show any jealous. The thing is, after 2 years, my emotional attachment to her has grown a lot. I also thought that some boundaries were implicit to her. I mean, like the way we reacted to other ppl flirting us, the way we should behave to respect our parter. But I see now that she may have some differents ideias about what respect really means. This is mainly because what seems innapropriate to me may not be to her. So now I want to set some rules about what I think is innapropriate and disrespecful. And since we havent done it in 3 years there are many things on the table. I´ve told her that and proposed that we set one rule each week ( so no one gets overwhelmed by it ) Im looking for strategies to set these rules without looking like a insecure or too much dominant person ( i also havent set any rules in the past to not cause the impression that I could not trust her or that I was insecure ). But today I see how they are important, especially if you want a very good and respectful long term relationship that has everything to end up me marrying her. what do you thinks about it? I´d like to hear from both men and women!
Jbum5 Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 Boundaries are typically implied since the parties involved know what's appropriate and what isn't. You might find that you are incompatible with your partner - verbally setting boundaries may curb undesired behavior temporarily, but it's usually not a permanent solution. You are asking someone to act like someone they may not want to be (at least for the time being). Try it out, but don't be a moron.
Poppy fields Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 I would have a negative reaction if someone I had been dating for two years suddenly wanted to place conditions on our relationship.
RedRobin Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 Anyone is welcome at any time to renegotiate the 'rules' (implied or stated) of the original 'contract' at any time. If things had been going fine before then, and you want to rewrite the 'contract', then my advice would be to approach it as just that... not try to bully or belittle or shame them into going your way now.... since you were a party to the original agreement. If you approach it in a spirit of fairness and with some sense of respect for their feelings, you might be surprised. Any relationship grows and changes over time, so this is not uncommon at all. How people sort through these things though, does tend to determine the outcome. (positive or negative)
scotthx1 Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 I would have a negative reaction if someone I had been dating for two years suddenly wanted to place conditions on our relationship. i agree a boundary now would to me show a little distrust with the other partner
Author pudf Posted April 26, 2013 Author Posted April 26, 2013 I would not say this is all of a sudden. I see that I have failed in communicating her somethings I find innapropriate in a relationships, like: accepting invitations from ppl that you know that are interested in you; talking to a certain way to some ppl ( like flirting ). I think people have differente standarts. What seems appropriate to me may not be to her and vice-versa. she´s crossed boundaries and almost lost me. After many talks we decided to stay together and work things out. I think that should be communicated, especially if you are in a long term road. I´ve told her that what our first talk about it was very good. I tried to say what things are important to me in a relationships, what needs to be respected. We will talk more about it each week and I hope it all goes fine as it did. Any tips so I wont show off as controlling person? thx!
Robman9911 Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 Instead of boundaries which wont work. You should instead talk about what activities she is doing that is hurting you. And have a talk with her if she is willing change or at least see why you are upset by her actions. If not then its probably not going to last. And once again boundaries wont work in any shape or form at this point of your relationship. Instead just face the problem head on.
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