dandy_lioness Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 Or maybe I'm wrong in thinking that my boyfriend, who is 30 years of age, is a momma's boy. Even though he is 30, still lives with his mother and doesn't seem to want to move out. I am 29, and we've been together for about a year and I did ask him to move in with me - but he's been quite dismissive of the idea, always dancing around the issue without actually committing to it. So maybe that's it, he's just afraid of commitment. He does say he loves me, even though he isn't very good at showing it. It may be because he's not been in any serious relationship until now. I told him to talk to his male friends or to even get relationship tips online but I see no improvement. I wake him up with coffee, kisses and pancakes, and he ...umm. He's just... there. That, of course, when he is there, not the times when his mother asks him to spend the night at home because she needs help with shopping or with the car or she's suddenly not feeling well. I really don't know what to think. Maybe I am too demanding in wanting attention and affection, maybe he just needs to find the right balance between spending time with me and his mother. Still, I can't help thinking what our life would look like in 10 years - we'll be (almost) in our forties and he'll still run home to his mother every other night for whichever reason. Is it normal to have the boyfriend's mother so involved in a guy's life, though? I've never met a guy like him before and I simply do not know how to react and what to expect.
Treasa Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 Don't date him. Seriously. Tell him he can call you when he moves out. 1
Art_Critic Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 There is nothing wrong with having your Mom in your life. I'm almost 50 and my Mom and I are close and speak a couple of times a week.. However.. your BF lives with his Mom and he doesn't seem to want to go out on his own. Does his Mom do stuff for him ? Laundry, Grocery Shopping, does she pay for anything on his part besides the roof over his head ? At 30, if he can afford it he should be out on his own.. Is he maybe afraid that the next step is too much and maybe he is hiding behind his Mom ?
grkBoy Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 Or maybe I'm wrong in thinking that my boyfriend, who is 30 years of age, is a momma's boy. Even though he is 30, still lives with his mother and doesn't seem to want to move out. The bolded part is your answer. I moved back home as a "boomeranger" in my 30s, but I was very clear to anyone I knew that I wanted out. I had plans, goals, and I worked hard to reach them. Granted most women still just saw me as a loser, but I am still happy I took the time to regroup, go to grad school, save money, etc...and I'm thankful to my parents for helping me the way they did with shelter. As for your boyfriend, it sounds more like he doesn't want to grow up. Ask him where he sees all this in the next 3-5 years. What are his goals and ambitions? Tell him what you want, don't hold back. If you want marriage and a family in the next 6-7 years, make it clear. If he dodges or makes excuses, then you know it's time to end this.
Author dandy_lioness Posted April 25, 2013 Author Posted April 25, 2013 Does his Mom do stuff for him ? Laundry, Grocery Shopping, does she pay for anything on his part besides the roof over his head ? His mother does do the laundry and the shopping but I think he helps pay the utilities - or so he told me. But I also do the laundry when he leaves clothes at my place and I cook for us. That's the part that I don't get, it's not like I don't give him all the things his mother gives him, and more. And yes, he can afford it. I earn a little less than he does and I still live on my own, and have for quite a while. But I am a bit more independent than he is, that much is clear. It it a "rule", though, that one should move out at a certain point? Move out, find out who they are without the framework and safety of family? I mean, I obviously think so, but these days I feel like I'm taking crazy pills so I'm not sure anymore. Is he maybe afraid that the next step is too much and maybe he is hiding behind his Mom ? That's what I think; he's too afraid to move on and be his own person. But if that's the case, what can I do to help his transition? How can I be more supportive/helpful? Maybe he's intimidated that my place is basically *my* territory?
Treasa Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 He does say he loves me, even though he isn't very good at showing it. It may be because he's not been in any serious relationship until now. I told him to talk to his male friends or to even get relationship tips online but I see no improvement. I wake him up with coffee, kisses and pancakes, and he ...umm. He's just... there. That, of course, when he is there, not the times when his mother asks him to spend the night at home because she needs help with shopping or with the car or she's suddenly not feeling well. This is the other reason why you should break up with him. I dated THREE of these before I finally "got it."
Treasa Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 His mother does do the laundry and the shopping but I think he helps pay the utilities - or so he told me. But I also do the laundry when he leaves clothes at my place and I cook for us. That's the part that I don't get, it's not like I don't give him all the things his mother gives him, and more. And yes, he can afford it. I earn a little less than he does and I still live on my own, and have for quite a while. But I am a bit more independent than he is, that much is clear. It it a "rule", though, that one should move out at a certain point? Move out, find out who they are without the framework and safety of family? I mean, I obviously think so, but these days I feel like I'm taking crazy pills so I'm not sure anymore. That's what I think; he's too afraid to move on and be his own person. But if that's the case, what can I do to help his transition? How can I be more supportive/helpful? Maybe he's intimidated that my place is basically *my* territory? No. No no no. Stop doing things for him unless you want to become his mama, which isn't going to happen. Let him do his own thing and figure it out. You start living for you.
Author dandy_lioness Posted April 25, 2013 Author Posted April 25, 2013 No. No no no. Stop doing things for him unless you want to become his mama, which isn't going to happen. Huh, funnily enough, I always used to say that I am too young to be the mother of a 30 year-old. I don't want to think that I'm being his momma though, I want to be a loving and caring girlfriend. I mean, I love him so I find it normal that I should take care of him. Isn't that normal in a relationship? Or perhaps I am doing too much and, in return, I expect too much of him - when he's clearly not ready (or he doesn't know how) to give back just as much. 1
ja123 Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 It doesn't bode well for longterm, IMO. He's living at home at 30 and his mom is still doing his laundry. Now you're doing his laundry, too? He seems to lack ambition and the desire to grow and be independent. What does that translate into for the longterm for you? It doesn't look good. You can't change someone else. It's not your job to make him a "man", he either is one or he isn't. He sounds like a scared, possibly lazy, little boy.
Treasa Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 Huh, funnily enough, I always used to say that I am too young to be the mother of a 30 year-old. I don't want to think that I'm being his momma though, I want to be a loving and caring girlfriend. I mean, I love him so I find it normal that I should take care of him. Isn't that normal in a relationship? Or perhaps I am doing too much and, in return, I expect too much of him - when he's clearly not ready (or he doesn't know how) to give back just as much. Loving and caring are great when two partners are equally invested and equally putting in work. You're just doing for him. Congrats. You're now sharing custody of a 30-year-old man-child. My prediction: He will break up with you, and you'll be left wondering why he did that after all you did for him.
Art_Critic Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 That's what I think; he's too afraid to move on and be his own person. But if that's the case, what can I do to help his transition? How can I be more supportive/helpful? Maybe he's intimidated that my place is basically *my* territory? It seems like you have already done the right things, you asked him to move in with you. It isn't up to you to make his transition from Parents to living on his own.. well.. not at that age.. at the age of 18 2 people will rely and lean on each other for the transition but not at 30, he is a full blown adult and shouldn't need a transition or for you to be supportive.. being supportive would fall in the realm of if he was broke, jobless or some other issue.. like he was taking care of his Mom but he is not any of those things. If you love him, and you say he loves you then push this issue and see where it takes you. if he pushes back then you have your answer and you need to drop him like a hot potato 1
ScienceGal Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 He isn't good at showing you he loves you? After a year, he's still reluctant to move in together? I'd leave, because it doesn't sound like it has the potential for a great long-term relationship. But, I suppose it depends on what you're looking for and whether he is supporting that dynamic or not.
MidwestUSA Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 Coffee, kisses and pancakes! Can I move in with you? I do a mean load of laundry. Seriously, agree with everyone above.
Treasa Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 Let me tell you about "the" ex. This is the ex who I spent six years with, who made me miserable, and who I learned the most from (that was my doing, not his). When we met, he was 24 and living at home. He made enough to be living on his own, but didn't want to. His poor mom! How would she ever get along without him! His mom was perfectly fine, by the way, and didn't need him. Anyway, he claimed he paid his share. He paid $50 a month toward utilities and mowed the lawn. That was his share. Oh, and he paid for his own car and gas and stuff. He paid for himself when he went out to eat, but his mom paid for groceries and did all the grocery shopping. She also did his laundry. She was thoughtful enough to write out instructions for him so that he'd know how to do his own laundry the couple of times a year when she'd go on vacation. As time progressed, I asked him for more commitment. I think he had one of those wheels where you spin them and they show a different answer each time. They rotated from, "My mom needs me," to "We haven't been together long enough yet," (this was after two years) to, "I want to save up money so we can get a nice place." You get the idea. So what did I do? Tell him, "Dude, when you get your **** straight, you can maybe consider calling me up, but I'm not waiting around for you"? Hell no! That's what someone with self-respect would do. I, on the other hand, became increasingly nicer and sweeter to him. My reasoning, of course, was that I was doing allll this stuff for him, so he'd be moved to reciprocate, right? Nope. It taught him I'd bend over backwards to make him happy, and he didn't have to do jack ****. Ok, long story short - he eventually broke things off with me for a sixth time (yes, there were five other stupid times, because little whiny-ass momma's boy couldn't handle conflict), and I was left completely depleted. I "loved" him, so I gave all of myself to him. I was left depressed, wondering why a loser like that could leave me, someone so freaking awesome. You know who comes first and gets my love first now? Me. And because I make sure to have my needs met, I am much more capable when it comes to being there for my family, my coworkers, etc. My self-respect (different from self-esteem) skyrocketed, and I don't feel depleted anymore.
Treasa Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 It seems like you have already done the right things, you asked him to move in with you. It isn't up to you to make his transition from Parents to living on his own.. well.. not at that age.. at the age of 18 2 people will rely and lean on each other for the transition but not at 30, he is a full blown adult and shouldn't need a transition or for you to be supportive.. being supportive would fall in the realm of if he was broke, jobless or some other issue.. like he was taking care of his Mom but he is not any of those things. If you love him, and you say he loves you then push this issue and see where it takes you. if he pushes back then you have your answer and you need to drop him like a hot potato Oh, by the way, this is why he will break up with you. Momma's boys don't like pressure.
ja123 Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 (edited) I wouldn't trust his level of experience to be a fully independent adult who chooses to be in a healthy interdependent relationship. He lacks life experience. He needs to live on his own first, before moving in with you. Otherwise, how is he supposed to have a sense of himself as a man, an independent man who can equally contrbute to a relationship. He'd only be running from his mother's apron strings to yours. It's sad. And it would be very unfulfilling for you in the longterm. Does this guy have any chops to stay the course during life's adversities? I don't think he's got the experience, not to mention the guts. As another poster said: he's a 30 year-old man child. I lived with one of those. He wanted the authority (chest-thumping, etc.) but took little responsibilty. I did all the heavy lifting, but guess who took the credit? Honestly, I'd drop this guy, and move on. You could end up staying with him and hoping things will change, then all of the sudden wake-up in your late 30s or early 40s realizing that you wasted the best years of your life on a loser. You'll never get those years back, and you'll only have yourself to blame. If you're "doing" so much for him, then I'd google codependency issues, and see why you're like this. Do some research and break the pattern. Also check our baggagereclaim. Good luck! Edited April 25, 2013 by ja123
venusianx13 Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 I was with someone for six years who was also a momma's boy. We were engaged for a ridiculously long time because he was comfortable living at home with mom and didn't want to budge. She did everything for him, and he, in turn, was very submissive to her every whim. I think that because she was in a loveless marriage, she started to "use" her sons as surrogate husbands. I don't believe it was intentional, but it was alarming, nonetheless. She made several attempts to undermine our relationship because she saw me as a threat, and we ended up having many, many problems to follow (cheating, dishonesty, etc). He never stood up for me to his mother, either. Like Treasa said, any person with self respect would have left a partner like this, but I didn't... I was invested, attached, naïve. This was the first guy I was with since I left my son's father, but looking back, he would have made a really crappy husband and step-father/father (if we'd ever had children). Thank goodness for the horrible way things ended. What I thought at the time was a tragedy turned out to be a wonderful blessing. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 I guess since I'm a natural-born nurturer, I'm a magnet for mama's boys. I've learned that a guy who respects his mom and has a healthy relationship with her is great - but a guy who lets his mom dictate important matters in his life, or rationalizes his odd choices as an adult because "mom needs me", is bad news for a relationship. To a guy like this, you'll never be his #1 lady - that'll always be mom 1
pcplod Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 he'll still run home to his mother every other night Now why would he need to do that when by then you will be his replacement 'moma'? Unless you got in a situation where his replacement moma upset him and then he would go home crying to his mother moma. Make sense to me, albeit bizarre.
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