Divorced - Miss him alot

[Jeannie]

I divorced my husband four months ago - we were only married 5 months - dated 6 months before we got married. He rushed the entire relationship, pressured me to marry him before I was ready and it overwhelmed me. I needed more time to adjust to the relationship, get to know him better, let our teenagers adjust to each other, etc.

 

I didn't want to get married so fast - he talked me into it. He wanted to fill that "void" in his life/house. I questioned whether he really loved ME or was just wanting to settle down and have a woman in his house serving him.

 

In his previous relationship he proposed to this girl after only knowing her 4 weeks. She moved in - it lasted 6 months - she moved out. According to him she was "psycho" and he rushed her into getting engaged and moving in to his house.

 

So I was leery about his intentions with me. I loved him and everyone told me to go ahead and marry him because at age 41 I might not find anyone else. I let other people talk me into it too.

 

After we got married I panicked and just froze - my gut feelings were screaming at me that it wasn't right. My son and his son didn't get along and there were major problems with them.

 

I divorced and got out of the situation - I just felt too much pressure and everything moved too fast. While we dated things were great but once he started pressuring committment we had one argument after another.

 

I divorced him because everything had to be his way or no way at all. He didn't understand how I felt and got angry that I wasn't living in his house cooking his meals. He said I betrayed him by not moving in that we were married and everything would work out once me and my son moved in to his house.

 

I felt things would be a nightmare. My son was not comfortable with any of this - he couldn't trust my husband and his son. His son stole things from my son everytime he came over. He was spoiled and never disciplined - the words please and thank you never crossed his lips. My son was raised with morals and manners. His son would spit at people when he got mad. So there were major problems there.

 

I got us to see a church counselor and that didn't work. He would call his mom and two sisters and talk to them about all our problems (which bothered me - I felt it was never any of their business). They heard I filed for divorce and the first thing they said to him was to make sure he got my wedding ring back from me.

 

I felt our relationship was a sham - he didn't love ME as a person - he just wanted to fill that void and be able to tell everyone he had a wife at home. I knew this deep down and that is why I couldn't commit to the marriage and move in with him. I couldn't trust him at all. He never made me feel secure - he only did things to make me question whether he was faithful or not.

 

I made the best decision for me and my son but I still hurt over this. I feel foolish for marrying him and divorcing after five months. I loved him but everything moved too fast for me. I don't know why he was so anxious to rush things and I wonder if he ever loved me or was just in love with the idea of having a wife catering to his needs.

 

How do I get over this. It's been 4 months since our divorce and we haven't seen or spoke to each other at all. Neither one of us have made attempts to talk. I feel it ended so abruptly but at the time I was under so much pressure and so unhappy - he kept telling me I was a bad wife, etc. I just wanted away from him and to be free.

 

Before we got married things were great - we had fun, our boys got along - we went fishing and hunting together and things were so much fun. I miss that. I never wanted that to end. But his whole intentions were to hurry up and get married so he could settle down.

 

I miss him - I don't know why. Do I just miss the good times?

[Breathe]

When you get the feelings of "missing him" just re-read this post and you'll remember why you left and why you are divorced. There are good and bad times in every relationship, but you can't let the past control your present or your future. Live for today.

[Butchey]

It is normal to have these feelings. You are grieving a loss.

 

I really admire you for having the strength and courage to end it before you were trapped.

 

 

p.s. 41 is young in my book.

[Jeannie]

Breathe - you are right - when I re-read my post I'm amazed I miss him!!!

 

Thanks Butchey (love your avatar with the cowbell - is that you? You look like a fun person to hang with!) - it's nice to hear a man who thinks 41 is young! You rock.

[XNemesisX]

You rock, for having the strength and courage to leave him!

 

That is something I wish I had...I just tend to stick around for all the misery and unhappiness. I think I am scared of being lonely..

 

that may be why you are missing him...it does suck to be lonely.

 

But I agree with Butchey, 41 is not old! Don't give up. There are better people out there for you! And hey, even if you choose not to date for a while nothing wrong with that, I'm already preparing for my upcoming breakup (or at least I hope I can muster the strength as you did to finally end what I know is not right). To prepare for this, I got 3 cats lol! Soon I just may be a "cat lady" !!!

 

Stick in there, the grievance will pass. You are a strong person.

 

Oh btw, that isn't Butchey that is Will Ferrel from Saturday Night Live. That icon is from a skit he did. I am obsessed wtih SNL that is how i knew that lol!

[Butchey]

Thanks for blowing my cover Nemesis, haha.

 

Jeannie,

 

I am 44 and my SO is 48. We've been together 4 years. She is still the most exciting woman in the world to me.

I am totally comfortable with myself, (thanks to years of therapy), and this allows me to see the real person in her. We never take each other for granted.

 

I think that you were wise to listen to your gut feeling and I think when the right one comes along you will also make the best decision. Best of luck to you.