josh1454 Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 Me and my girlfriend of 3 and a half years broke up just last week. She sighted needing to find herself, and gave me the whole, 'its not you its me' speal. In reality, i know the real reason why she broke up with me, and when i mention it to her, she doesnt deny it. Ive lived a pretty sheltered life, always had things done for me, where shes always been rather independent. (We're both 25, been together since we were 21.). She was always pressuring me to move out with her, but i kept refusing because i was afraid of commiting, and i guess you could say, afraid of moving out of home. It caused a lot of tension between us over the time we were together, and when she turned 25, she began to freak out about her life not being where she had hoped it would be, which in turn, lead to the break up. For the last week, all i have done is reflected on my relationship, and on myself as a person, and how i contributed to us breaking up. I realised the error of my ways, and have commited to myself to fix things, if not for her and me, but for myself and my future endeavous, and have taken steps such as cooking, cleaning and doing everything for myself. I am even looking at moving out of home, and i have started taking driving lessons and looking at better jobs. Its all really sudden, i know, that ive gone from relying on other people to relying on myself in the space of a week, but i felt that upon reflection, something changed in me, and i felt as if it was about time i pulled my finger out of my ass, and grew up. But truth be told, i dearly want her back. We were best friends before we decided to enter this relationship, and breaking up has been harder than either of us imagined it would have been. We're both really struggling. I know everyone says this about their partner, but she was the only person who really 'got' me. I took some time to write a list of things unique to her that i love, and i was surprised at just how many things there were. We were always really heavy texters to each other, and im trying to go with the no contact rule, but im finding it hard because we told each other that we would remain friends, and shes also still texting me. (even though its 5 texts a day as opposed to 200) And heres the problem. I dont know what to do. I have taken all my thoughts down in a letter with the intention of sitting on it for a week or 2, reading it to myself to make sure i havnt written anything that i regret, then dropping it off at her place. A letter that apologizes for my mistakes, and refusal to grow up, and stating that im commiting to do so, and right the aspects of me that stagnated our relationship. Ive ended it by stating in no uncertain terms that id like to try again, either to fix out previous relationship, or to start a new one entierly (Thats only about 10% of the letter though. The rest is a reflection on us and me and what im doing about it. I wanted to try and keep that part of it short). We've said that we'd like to stay friends, and we're on incredibly good terms. Even talked about hanging out once the dust has settled. Im considernig doing what i can to make her fall back in love with me. Trying to be the person that i used to be when we started out, not putting it on as an act to trick her, but actualy BEING that person. I have 2 main concerns. a) Shes going to move on and find herself a new boyfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend before i get a chance to make her fall back in love with me because shes the type of person who doesnt like to be on her own and b) In sticking to the no contact rule in a attempt to make her miss me, its only going to make her become accustomed to life without me, thus making it easier for her to get over me. Any advice on what i can or should do would be greatly appreciated.
OwlSoul Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 And heres the problem. I dont know what to do. Should be something simple. Trying to be the person that i used to be when we started out Do not be the person you were before, since you both change your expectations from your partners. So being old you won't work. Do not be afraid of changes, so try to become someone new. You're on the right way though. You realize that the break-up was caused by her being insatisfied, you're willing to change. Shes going to move on and find herself a new boyfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend Might happen, yeah. I know 3 scenarious for this: 1) She will find someone emotionally unavailable, fall in love, get dumped; 2) She will find someone else who is better than you in her point of view, the new relationship will satisfy her and she won't be back; 3) She will find someone who is not significantly better, start missing you again. thus making it easier for her to get over me. Firstly, when the person breaks up with you, he/she is already over you. Staying in close contatc all the time will make it easier for her to not get her feelings back t you. Secondly, you are making it easier to move on by providing her comfort of being loved and rise her chances finding someone else. See, when you're loved and etc. you're confident, you do not look desperade, you attract people. That is why committed people look attractive more than lonely ones. If you'd remove this comfort, she'd face that she's not the center of the world, feel not so comfident, start being desperade for finding a new love. Most likely, she will either find noone, or find someone unsuitable. However, do not listen to me. It's just my experience and point of view, which is not necessarily applied to your situation. I'd say give yourself a couple of days to think about stuff, find out what your gut feeling says and act according to it.
justletgo07 Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 I have 2 main concerns. a) Shes going to move on and find herself a new boyfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend before i get a chance to make her fall back in love with me because shes the type of person who doesnt like to be on her own and b) In sticking to the no contact rule in a attempt to make her miss me, its only going to make her become accustomed to life without me, thus making it easier for her to get over me. These are common traps in the way dumpees think about the dumper, reconciliation, and NC. First, you can't make someone fall in love with you. You can't reason, argue, manipulate, convince, persuade, or otherwise make someone change their feelings for you. Hollywood has really hurt us all on this one. Dumpees, in their attempt to find some way of controlling a situation that is beyond their control, rationalize a break-up as a puzzle or problem that can be fixed by trying harder or doing more. This might be effective in a school or work environment, but not in romantic relationships. Love is not really a choice or a rational decision, and breaking up rarely is about those things either. It's a feeling, and its a feeling that none of us (not even dumpers) can really control or fully understand. You can't just flip it on or flip it off. How often have you met someone really great and wondered to yourself, "This person is really great. I could totally see myself having feelings for this person, but I feel nothing. Why?" Sometimes, two good people just aren't good for each other. I'm not saying this to discourage you. I'm just trying to remind you that this isn't a puzzle, or a situation where if you try really hard you'll succeed. In these cases, there is often nothing that the dumpee can do. On the 2nd point, NC is not to make them miss you. You're still thinking in terms of how you can manipulate her back to you. That's not what NC is for, and it doesn't really work that way. NC is to give you the time/opportunity to get to a better place with everything and heal from a very emotional event. NC has the power to bring you to a place where, if the dumper decides they want to reconcile, you can be in a good place to handle that and attract them back. Reconciliations often fail because the dumpee is still hurt, angry, insecure, mistrusting, etc. NC gives you the chance to let all of that stuff go, and offers you the best possible chance to get back together. However, please realize that NC only has an effect on you. It's not about her. Ultimately, you'll either get back together because she wants to try again, or because enough time has passed that all emotions have subsided and you can start again fresh, on relatively even ground. My best advice: Let Go. I know it seems super counter intuitive, and you will say "But I want her back, not to move on." I think many people on this forum who have gotten their exes back would tell you that those things are one in the same. Focus on the things you can change and do have control over. Let everything else go.
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