Pompeii Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 I've been doing some hard thinking this week in relation to my dating life and my social life. Some of you may have seen the thread I created about whether or not I should get a prostitute considering I am a virgin still at my age. Again, the idea is still likely up in the air for the time being because I will be studying in Europe next school year. It's not an ideal situation, nor is it something I am 100% enthusiastic about doing, but I still believe some experience is better than no experience if I am to head down that path. See, to me, cultivating attraction is magic. It's not something I'm able to do, but I do applaud those who are able to do so. It's like creating something out of nothing or planting seeds and watching them grow. So to me, it is magic because I am not able to do so. I am currently at a stage in my life where I am at a crossroads. I find it very much near impossible to be able to develop the skills to attract women and I also believe that my base attributes have been a hinderance virtually all my life. I foresee the next couple of years being a long slog in terms of this dating stuff. Seeing friends get into relationships, seeing friends getting married, etc. When you haven't even reached the start line. It's a terrible feeling for sure. Still, it's something I must swat out of my mind and continue on. There would be pretty much no point for me to see the prostitute if I am not going anywhere with the opposite sex. I realize I will most likely live life alone but I am still very grateful for what I have. I have a decent friends circle. I walk to classes with them and we talk about stuff, it manages to take away the loneliness. I have food to eat everyday, multiple times a day. Some people can't even get a meal to eat for a week. I have working abilities of all of my body parts. I will most likely have a great career lined up after college. So I am thankful for a lot of things. So while I may never have a significant other, I can at least find meaning in a lot of other things. I have crushes, yes. I have girls I am attracted to, yes. Especially one. But I realize that we can't have everything we want in life. It hurts to let go but it hurts even more to hold on to something that will most likely never happen. What I'm basically trying to get at here is that although I may never be happy with my dating life, I can still find happiness and fulfillment in other ways in order to compensate for that hole. I can acknowledge the feelings I get from this such as frustration, jealousy, envy, sadness, wistfulness and then I can wipe them away. The more I try to deny that I have these feelings the stronger they return. When I accept that I have these feelings, I can swipe them aside and subdue them. I suppose anyone who has ever felt this same way can relate. Or maybe not, because it seems the only problems anyone has on this site is keeping commitment. That's all. Hope someone who is maybe in my same shoes gains something from my perspective.
Sun Devil Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 I am in a similar situation except that I have found no substitute for a relationship. I have not found any substitute for a relationship despite having friends and a decent sized social circle. I have never met anyone who is happy being single unless they came from a bad relationship. Sooner or later, it will become overwhelming. Being single even shortens life expectancy by 10-20 years, so whoever said that you dont need a relationship is wrong. We are programed to find someone. I still have hope that improving myself works, but if everything fails, then I am done. I will not be the guy who is 40 years old and never had a girlfriend. I will shoot myself before that happens.
Author Pompeii Posted April 25, 2013 Author Posted April 25, 2013 I am in a similar situation except that I have found no substitute for a relationship. I have not found any substitute for a relationship despite having friends and a decent sized social circle. I have never met anyone who is happy being single unless they came from a bad relationship. Sooner or later, it will become overwhelming. Being single even shortens life expectancy by 10-20 years, so whoever said that you dont need a relationship is wrong. We are programed to find someone. I still have hope that improving myself works, but if everything fails, then I am done. I will not be the guy who is 40 years old and never had a girlfriend. I will shoot myself before that happens. I've heard being single shortens life expectancy, but I don't think it's by 20 years. That's very extreme. If anything, people would think that it would lengthen life expectancy because there are less stressors such as children and marital/relationship strife. Oh well, good look to you anyway.
Sun Devil Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 Being Single Could Mean An Earlier Death: Study look at the numbers. Being single does shorten life expectancy.
PogoStick Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 Almost nobody is below relationship material. The most hideous meth addicts living on the street still find relationships. How could you possibly accept a lesser fate? What makes you less worthy? It's a solvable problem.
ascendotum Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 If I remember right you are just 20. Lighten up. You are getting too far ahead of yourself here looking into the future and this talk about reaching a crossroads and never being able to develop skills when it comes to attraction. Still plenty of time. You talk about your friends getting married but surely you have some friends who are still going out clubbing or kayaking or back packing or rally driving or going to the footy or something you can do with them that does not revolve around them just holding hands with their gf. 1
zebracolors Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 If I remember right you are just 20. Lighten up. You are getting too far ahead of yourself here looking into the future and this talk about reaching a crossroads and never being able to develop skills when it comes to attraction. Still plenty of time. You talk about your friends getting married but surely you have some friends who are still going out clubbing or kayaking or back packing or rally driving or going to the footy or something you can do with them that does not revolve around them just holding hands with their gf. Gotta agree with Ascendotum here. Why do you, (and so many other 20 y/o virgin guys) place so much importance on sex at all? And by the way, if you go with a prostitute, be careful you don't equate sex with a relationship which don't always come together. A prostitute will give(read:sell) you sex but you're saying you want to get into a relationship, and you can't have both with a prostitute. You're 20, lots of people, men and women, still haven't had sex by then. Who cares about the scientific study (which by the way, Sun Devil's article also mentions "staying positive" as a factor of longer life.) The scientific study could be questionable anyway, but even still, at this early point in your life, it hardly matters how much shorter your life could be. Anyway there are loads of other things you can do to increase your life expectancy. IMO you really should stop being so worried about being in a relationship JUST to be in one and get the sex. You'll just end up appearing desperate and make yourself insane.
Author Pompeii Posted April 25, 2013 Author Posted April 25, 2013 Being Single Could Mean An Earlier Death: Study look at the numbers. Being single does shorten life expectancy. Oh well, we've all got to go sometime. If it's my time to go, it's my time to go. Hopefully by that time, I would have been able to say that I at least did something with my life. Almost nobody is below relationship material. The most hideous meth addicts living on the street still find relationships. How could you possibly accept a lesser fate? What makes you less worthy? It's a solvable problem. There are many things in life that I cannot answer. Your first statement/question is one of them. Gotta agree with Ascendotum here. Why do you, (and so many other 20 y/o virgin guys) place so much importance on sex at all? And by the way, if you go with a prostitute, be careful you don't equate sex with a relationship which don't always come together. A prostitute will give(read:sell) you sex but you're saying you want to get into a relationship, and you can't have both with a prostitute. You're 20, lots of people, men and women, still haven't had sex by then. Who cares about the scientific study (which by the way, Sun Devil's article also mentions "staying positive" as a factor of longer life.) The scientific study could be questionable anyway, but even still, at this early point in your life, it hardly matters how much shorter your life could be. Anyway there are loads of other things you can do to increase your life expectancy. IMO you really should stop being so worried about being in a relationship JUST to be in one and get the sex. You'll just end up appearing desperate and make yourself insane. I do not equate sex with love. I see them as separate things. It is obviously much easier to obtain sex than love. Love may never come around in someone's life. So I wouldn't have that problem with a prostitute. To me, I see sex as something that is a normal behavior of being a human. Boy likes girl, girl likes boy. Sex is something that comes naturally, or theoretically should come naturally if there is mutual attraction between two parties. I firmly believe that a majority of adults who are in their 20s or above who are virgins are that way by choice whether out of waiting for marriage or waiting for ideal circumstances. I know a few people who are like this, but they have received great approval from the opposite sex who would definitely like to be with them beyond a platonic manner. I am sure there are many others like me, but it feels pretty lonely. I don't know about the other 20 year old virgins but for me, a lot of "why" and "what" questions come up from time to time such as "why am I not having sex" or "what is wrong with me that I can not attract someone I like". You start to feel broken and defective. It's pretty much an auto-rejection without even knowing the girl. You start to think that you're only good for being kept around as a friend and not as hookup/relationship material. It's just really lonely seeing everyone you know have some type of positive reaction from someone they like of the opposite sex.
Maleficent Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 So let me get this straight. You are 24 and think you will never meet someone to share your life with? That's cute. I'm 32 and I'm still single. Haven't had a meaningful relationship in 6 years. Also you mentioned studying in Europe? Perhaps 'life' wants to make sure there is nothing to keep you home...?
Treasa Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 If you really read that article, which states that being single "MAY" reduce longevity, you'll see that it has nothing to do with romantic love or sex. It's basically having someone around to nag you to eat healthy, go see a doctor regular, and call a freaking ambulance if you're having a heart attack. I know plenty of people who have lived into their 90s and were technically single, because their spouse had either passed on or they were divorced or never married. It's also not true that only people coming from bad relationships are happy single. I am happy because I found things in my life and in my view of the world to make me happy. I'm very much joyous, while also being at peace. It's an amazing feeling. 1
BluEyeL Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 Yes, pretty much BS the thing with you cannot be happy single. In fact, it's been shown that the actual level of happiness doesn't change for one person in relationship with their status. It briefly increases when they get married, but then gets back to their "normal" before marriage. The "least happy" are those that went through a divorce. Their happiness drops at the time of the divorce, which is only natural, but comes back up and although they are, on average, slightly less happy than the hapily married and never married, the difference is small. I read a couple of books on this very subject. 1
Author Pompeii Posted April 26, 2013 Author Posted April 26, 2013 Yes, pretty much BS the thing with you cannot be happy single. In fact, it's been shown that the actual level of happiness doesn't change for one person in relationship with their status. It briefly increases when they get married, but then gets back to their "normal" before marriage. The "least happy" are those that went through a divorce. Their happiness drops at the time of the divorce, which is only natural, but comes back up and although they are, on average, slightly less happy than the hapily married and never married, the difference is small. I read a couple of books on this very subject. I feel it is unfounded as well. I would be happy if I was in a relationship and then somehow it went south. Then I would know that at least one girl was attracted to me enough to want me to be her boyfriend. Even if I never got another girlfriend, I would at least have peace of mind that I was at one point in time - attractive to someone who I was attracted to.I mean, I generally describe myself as a happy person but it is this one area of my life that causes me chronic discontent.
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted April 26, 2013 Posted April 26, 2013 Once you get into a relationship, you'll realize that it's no big deal. Also, the whole life expectancy thing with marriage might be off. I would imagine that the studies took into account old people that were dying off. Marriages that began in the 1940s-1960s are vastly different than the ones beginning now. With a ~50% divorce rate, I can't see how this would produce greater longevity.
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