Author coaches24 Posted June 3, 2013 Author Posted June 3, 2013 Really? From your first post: Also from your original post: You're scared and defensive, but it's directed at the wrong people. Take it how you want but I was thinking out loud (or in typing). I will read others opinions sure, but doesnt mean I am trying to follow what they say. Thats a path I will figure out myself regardless of what anyone else thinks.
2sunny Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Ok, it's good to know you don't need help. The experience MANY have here could help - but it's wasted words if you're not open to suggestions that may change things for YOUR position in this mess. Some here are professionals and normally get paid big money by the hour. But yes, you will decide what serves your situation best. Best wishes to you.
Author coaches24 Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 (edited) Ok, it's good to know you don't need help. The experience MANY have here could help - but it's wasted words if you're not open to suggestions that may change things for YOUR position in this mess. Some here are professionals and normally get paid big money by the hour. But yes, you will decide what serves your situation best. Best wishes to you. I agree there are many posters here who seem to give good advice. You have not come accross as one of them IMO. A person who gives advice they feel is in the best interest of the other person doesn't force their opinion on others and get upset when their opinion is rejected as they know its ultimately up to the other person to decide how they want to handle things. You appear to think what you say is 100 % correct and seem to take it personal when I say I disagree with you on how to proceed. How can you know more about my situation than I do? You haven't talked to my wife and only know the info I have managed to put on here. To put all of it in words would take a long time for a 9 year relationship as ALL of it is relevant to what's happening now. The fact that you come accross as all knowing as if your way is the only acceptable way tells me you are not someone I should be listening to. Someone who can give their advice and then stand back and let the advisee take that info and process it and then decide if its relevant to my situation is someone I am more inclined to listen to. That you act like you know more about my situation than I do and that you exaggerate what I have posted ( Like she always stays out late, or doesn't spend time with our daughter which couldn't be further from the truth) tells me your agenda isn't to help, it's to push your own feelings and thoughts onto other people without regard to what's actually best for them. So I kindly ignore your advice as I have read it and figured out it isn't in my best interest to follow what you think. Ok ? Edited June 4, 2013 by coaches24
2sunny Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I never said she ALWAYS stays out late - I referred to the incident you described. And I never posted about her not spending time with your daughter. I worked with the evidence you presented - and work soley from the aspect of what YOU can possibly change -YOU. How a person acts or reacts - or doesn't react at all - does affect what others do or don't do. I think you have me wrong - but that doesn't matter to me. That I cared more about you taking action than you do - says enough. And I don't take things personally - I merely tried and thought you said you needed help. Oh well...
Author coaches24 Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 (edited) I never said she ALWAYS stays out late - I referred to the incident you described. And I never posted about her not spending time with your daughter. I worked with the evidence you presented - and work soley from the aspect of what YOU can possibly change -YOU. How a person acts or reacts - or doesn't react at all - does affect what others do or don't do. I think you have me wrong - but that doesn't matter to me. That I cared more about you taking action than you do - says enough. And I don't take things personally - I merely tried and thought you said you needed help. Oh well... As I look back I may have mixed you up with stead fast but after reading your posts I still don't think I was far off about you. Edited June 4, 2013 by coaches24
2sunny Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 As I look back I may have mixed you up with stead fast but after reading your posts I still don't think I was far off about you. I know me - ahahaha - and you are far off in your judgement about me. It's interesting that you aren't even considering the strength behind the posters you're criticizing. Lets see how much reconciliation you get out of playing your weak cards with your wife... I do hope it works for you - is she changing yet - or still communicating with her OM? 1
PugMug Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Hopefully it works out for you coach. That is a longtime to be married. Keep us posted to see how you are doing
Author coaches24 Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 I know me - ahahaha - and you are far off in your judgement about me. It's interesting that you aren't even considering the strength behind the posters you're criticizing. Lets see how much reconciliation you get out of playing your weak cards with your wife... I do hope it works for you - is she changing yet - or still communicating with her OM? lmao, see that's what I am talking about. It's not personal you say but I KNOW there is no other man and you are convinced there is despite not knowing her or I, not having anything to go on but the little bit of info I have provided and you have to take a cheap shot with the comment. And you think you are providing sound advice? Wow. You sure are arrogant. Any more pot shots you want to take because I think your advice sucks.
trippi1432 Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 Well, with all that said and done for a couple of pages now, how are the MC sessions going Coaches? Were you able to bring up the fact of her hanging out with this friend who is definitely a negative influence on the marriage? Or were you able to bring up the way she feels slighted by people, but fine with them in their presence? Those seem to be two things that need to narrowed in on for her to be more responsible for her happiness.
Steadfast Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 I've stated twice that we all must find our own path coach. IMO, you're taking the hard way and (back when you weren't so defensive) you yourself admitted that you were burying your head in the sand. That won't help! You are the latest in a long line of posters who turned on the people they turned to for advice. Frankly, that's just another path. Please understand that while every situation and individual is unique, human behavior and methods aren't. That's why I (for example) can post my words with such confidence. The crazy part? There are many here who do know more about your situation than you do. They honestly do. Like a road map, we can read it in the words you write about the situation you're in. Cause and effect. The only person upset here is you coach. No blame; you should be. Again, IMO, your anger is directed at the wrong people. People writing in agreement with failed methods isn't going to help you; it'll just keep you where you are. The stuff that pisses you off? That's the advice you need. Spoken from experience. Hard earned, heartbreaking experience. I have been wrong before. I will be wrong again. But with you and most who find themselves in the situation you're in, the odds favor my approach. The basic realization that you can't fix what another person doesn't want fixed is never easy to swallow. Your marriage will survive if your wife feels as strongly about saving it as you do. She will not be talked into it. If she is, her foundation will not be strong enough to sustain future problems. I can see that I am an unwelcome presence on this thread, so I'll leave it. Keep posting coach, there's an abundance of good folks here for help. 3
Author coaches24 Posted June 4, 2013 Author Posted June 4, 2013 Well, with all that said and done for a couple of pages now, how are the MC sessions going Coaches? Were you able to bring up the fact of her hanging out with this friend who is definitely a negative influence on the marriage? Or were you able to bring up the way she feels slighted by people, but fine with them in their presence? Those seem to be two things that need to narrowed in on for her to be more responsible for her happiness. We will have another session next week. The first one was mostly telling our story of how we met, what we have been through etc. We each brought up some things the other has done that has led to this situation but we also talked about some strengths in each other and the relationship as well. It's actually my doing we won't have a session this week as I have had a trip out of town planned for a while now to see my mom out of state and my best friend (best man at the wedding) lives near my mom so I will hang out with him as well. So we put off the 2nd session till next week but she wants to do more sessions after not really wanting to start MC for most of these two months. One of her things that came out was she isn't good at dealing with anything that is confrontational. When something comes up that's a problem or causes her stress she tends to shut down and do everything to avoid it. Ots something I already knew but it was interesting to hear her explain it. She always hopes it will fix itself is how she put it. The good thing is she knows that and is now for the first time saying she wants to change that side of herself ( we argued a few times over the years about how she deals or doesn't deal with issues though it was always issues with other people in our lives). Being the first session the therapist lead the discussion. I have a list of things I want to get out in MC and the things you brought up are definitely on that list. I've also started thinking about things that she might bring up with me as there were some things she said that were completely right but hurt to hear none the less. One reason I feel like we have atleast a small chance of reconciling is that we both so far have shown awareness and taken responsibility for our own faults and mistakes and we haven't been blaming the other for everything ( I was close to that for a while and I think she was at the beginning). So as long as she is willing to keep working on things with us and herself then I am going to do the same. The MC warned us early in the first session that she believes in "homework" and once she has a better understanding of us and where we are we will be getting some things we need to start doing on our own so that will be interesting. Thanks for asking and breaking up the previous discussion (being nice with that word)., 1
worldgonewrong Posted June 4, 2013 Posted June 4, 2013 (edited) As I look back I may have mixed you up with stead fast but after reading your posts I still don't think I was far off about you. SteadFast and 2sunny are great, wise, long-time posters here. If they seem annoyed at times, it's because they (like me) get frustrated at seeing people make the same stupid mistakes over & over again; it's not personal. And they, too, have their share of painful experience. So what you interpret as 'not helpful' is actually a hand(s) being extended to you. Additionally - these posters DO have humility. It comes from experience. The arrogance that you perceive is merely being battle-hardened and not wanting to see you get the rug pulled out from under you. That's all. Their replies are born out of empathy. We see a drowning man and we're trying to toss you a life-preserver, but you keep saying "The water's great!" even though you're flailing around. Edited June 4, 2013 by worldgonewrong 2
trippi1432 Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 We will have another session next week. The first one was mostly telling our story of how we met, what we have been through etc. We each brought up some things the other has done that has led to this situation but we also talked about some strengths in each other and the relationship as well. It's actually my doing we won't have a session this week as I have had a trip out of town planned for a while now to see my mom out of state and my best friend (best man at the wedding) lives near my mom so I will hang out with him as well. So we put off the 2nd session till next week but she wants to do more sessions after not really wanting to start MC for most of these two months. One of her things that came out was she isn't good at dealing with anything that is confrontational. When something comes up that's a problem or causes her stress she tends to shut down and do everything to avoid it. Ots something I already knew but it was interesting to hear her explain it. She always hopes it will fix itself is how she put it. The good thing is she knows that and is now for the first time saying she wants to change that side of herself ( we argued a few times over the years about how she deals or doesn't deal with issues though it was always issues with other people in our lives). Being the first session the therapist lead the discussion. I have a list of things I want to get out in MC and the things you brought up are definitely on that list. I've also started thinking about things that she might bring up with me as there were some things she said that were completely right but hurt to hear none the less. One reason I feel like we have atleast a small chance of reconciling is that we both so far have shown awareness and taken responsibility for our own faults and mistakes and we haven't been blaming the other for everything ( I was close to that for a while and I think she was at the beginning). So as long as she is willing to keep working on things with us and herself then I am going to do the same. The MC warned us early in the first session that she believes in "homework" and once she has a better understanding of us and where we are we will be getting some things we need to start doing on our own so that will be interesting. Thanks for asking and breaking up the previous discussion (being nice with that word)., The conflict avoidance is an issue as things just get swept under the rug. My ex-SO and I didn't argue the entire 16 months we were together....but it was more due to conflict avoidance than us truly getting along. Problems don't go away by avoiding them, just stress upon stress with the person who is avoiding it. It's good that she recognizes it and wants to work on it and that she is attending the MC to do that with you. It's hard sometimes to hear things in the sessions, but if you can both get past blame and work on the recognizing the problems then this could work for you. Now, I will say that 2Sunny and Steadfast, they do mean well and have been here a long time. Sometimes things get dialed up a notch when people see another person hurting, but what I have read from your posts is that it's not about "controlling" the situation, it's about putting in the hard work to get through the issues and compromise where you both need to. You are dealing with a conflict avoidant wife, throwing out the hard line in the sand will just push her further away due to "flight" being the necessary evil rather than "fight". Don't totally discard the advice so far, it's possible some of it might resonate if things take a different turn, but for now, this is the path you are on. In that, there is support as well as you go down the MC path. 1
Techie Artist Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 So, Coaches, I have another question. As you go thru counseling, are you feeling like you're just rehashing the pain or are you making progress. I have heard other couples complain that the MC just brings back the pain of the past. I suppose a wise counselor will take the old, teach the lessons, and give tools to move forward. What's been your experience? Thanks.
Author coaches24 Posted June 5, 2013 Author Posted June 5, 2013 So, Coaches, I have another question. As you go thru counseling, are you feeling like you're just rehashing the pain or are you making progress. I have heard other couples complain that the MC just brings back the pain of the past. I suppose a wise counselor will take the old, teach the lessons, and give tools to move forward. What's been your experience? Thanks. Well we have only had one session but that wasn't my experience at all. Yes we did talk about alot of the negative things that have happened to get us to this point but we also talked about positives that we did or do see. The therapist had us talk about strengths we saw in the other and things like that. As I said in a PP the therapist impressed me a lot with how she goes about things.
Shocked Suzie Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 So, Coaches, I have another question. As you go thru counseling, are you feeling like you're just rehashing the pain or are you making progress. I have heard other couples complain that the MC just brings back the pain of the past. I suppose a wise counselor will take the old, teach the lessons, and give tools to move forward. What's been your experience? Thanks. My Ex went counselling on his own once, he said it bought everything to the surface and that's what made his mind up to go! ...he said he didn't want to go again as he didn't want to feel that way again
2sunny Posted June 5, 2013 Posted June 5, 2013 Can you pinpoint some things your wife is doing to earn your trust back?
Techie Artist Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 Well we have only had one session but that wasn't my experience at all. Yes we did talk about alot of the negative things that have happened to get us to this point but we also talked about positives that we did or do see. The therapist had us talk about strengths we saw in the other and things like that. As I said in a PP the therapist impressed me a lot with how she goes about things. Thanks for your thoughts. As I think about what I would have to say in a similar situation, I think i could explain how I feel and still articulate my H's strengths. Do you have a read on your W regarding her feelings?
Techie Artist Posted June 7, 2013 Posted June 7, 2013 My Ex went counselling on his own once, he said it bought everything to the surface and that's what made his mind up to go! ...he said he didn't want to go again as he didn't want to feel that way again Thanks for your response, too, Suzie. What was your reaction when he decided not to go anymore? My H won't go. He needs IC. At this point, I don't think I want to do MC. It will give my H a false sense of hope. I think I've checked out.
Shocked Suzie Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Thanks for your response, too, Suzie. What was your reaction when he decided not to go anymore? My H won't go. He needs IC. At this point, I don't think I want to do MC. It will give my H a false sense of hope. I think I've checked out. He just said going made him not like me much 'I saw the same one after and she said he was very confused' I feel that he has some deep issues that he needs to sort out. I knew deep down that he loved the ow and didn't want to try too...when he left he said he didn't want to waste 2-3 months of trying to repair our marriage and risk loosing her ....that did it for me! Sorry about hijacking your thread
Author coaches24 Posted June 8, 2013 Author Posted June 8, 2013 He just said going made him not like me much 'I saw the same one after and she said he was very confused' I feel that he has some deep issues that he needs to sort out. I knew deep down that he loved the ow and didn't want to try too...when he left he said he didn't want to waste 2-3 months of trying to repair our marriage and risk loosing her ....that did it for me! Sorry about hijacking your thread No apologies needed. I try and soak up as much info as possible from the discussions I read on here. And sorry for your husband pulling that on you.
Shocked Suzie Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 No apologies needed. I try and soak up as much info as possible from the discussions I read on here. And sorry for your husband pulling that on you. He did me a favor... It made it very final, I wasn't confused about my feelings about him after that moment
Shocked Suzie Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 Thanks for your response, too, Suzie. What was your reaction when he decided not to go anymore? My H won't go. He needs IC. At this point, I don't think I want to do MC. It will give my H a false sense of hope. I think I've checked out. Was just thinking .... Even now I would be up for MC I would do it if he was up for it...purely for growth benefits only, I'm really intrigued as to where my H mindset is.... The debt, why he thinks running is the answer, the OW... Not to get back together, I would like to learn from it Maybe do it for the same reasons??? ... he obviously needs to go too lol
trippi1432 Posted June 8, 2013 Posted June 8, 2013 My exH and I did a couple's session way before we got married...after the one session, he said let's buy just buy a book and figure it out. Years later, at a real MC session, he let it all out what he felt about me (as if he hadn't been both showing it and saying it for 15 years, since I never measured up to HIS ideals). The interesting thing about MC sessions, if you really listen to what the other person is saying, you might find that you do miss the person you really were...but you also miss the spouse you fell in love with too. People don't change...that is true, but circumstances change and people move to catch up with them. What they leave behind...is themselves. 2
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