She never loved me?

[coaches24]

Im new to this forum and am going through a very rough time. My wife of almost 7 years ( been together for 9) just told me recently that she has been unhappy for years. She says I haven't done anything wrong but she feels no connection with me. She told me she feels like there never was any love between us and that she thinks she married me because her friends were married. I was completely blindsided as I has no clue she could possibly feel this way. I am a teacher and a coach and I left for one night to a coaches clinic thinking we were fine and when I came back everything was different. With no hint or explanation she had stopped talking to me almost entirely except for very mean comments when I tried to talk to her. After a week of that I finally sat her down after putting our child to bed and asked her what was going on. Thats when she broke this bombshell on me and even got irritated that I didn't know and didn't feel the same way. And she showed no emotion at all when telling me how unhappy she was with me, almost happy to tell me.

 

We have one child together, a four YO girl. Neither of us had children before. I want to go to marriage counseling and see if there is any way to save our marriage. She decided to try individual therapy instead and told me her therapist suggested a trial separation and also marriage counseling. I don't feel like she really wants to do marriage counseling but I am hoping she will at least try it. I just can't believe that she has been lying to me and herself for nine years about how she feels about me. I know in my heart there was love there between us and a real connection at the beginning and I want to believe that if we could open up to each other we could get that back and save our marriage. But with the way she acts when she is near me I also wonder if I'm in denial.

 

Our daughter has caught on to our tensions and said to me the other night she thinks mommy won't sleep in the room with me because she doesn't love me anymore. I have never said anything like that to my daughter and I don't think my wife would tell our daughter that so she has figured this out on her own and it breaks my heart even more. I break down every time I think about the effect our situation has on our daughter. I don't know what to do, I want to talk to my wife and work things out but I don't know how. She is like living with a stranger now. When she is home she avoids me at all costs and won't even sit in the same room with me so we only see each other when passing through the house.

 

Now our other issue is we are under water in our house with a first and 2nd mortgage and there is no way for us to separate like the therapist suggested without walking away from the house. Together we are able to make all our payments but no way we could afford an apartment rent and expenses on top of the mortgage. We are trying to refinance and see if we can reduce our payments but I am skeptical it will be enough even if it does happen. Losing my home in this on top of losing my wife would be devastating for me. Everyday that goes by I feel more and more hopeless with both my marriage and my home.

 

Should I try and push marriage counseling? Do I step back and wait for her to make a decision on what she wants to do (not knowing how long I will have to wait for that ) when all she has been able to tell me on why is that she doesn't know. She has no idea about anything she feels or wants to do but she wants me to give her space. All the while I have nothing to suggest that there is anything for me to wait for. What do I do? My biggest fear out of all of this is for my daughter. What if my wife decides she wants a divorce and then wants custody of our daughter and takes her away from me. I feel like I am losing everything that is important to me and I have no where to turn.

[coaches24]

What do you think is really going on?

 

I don't know. I haven't found any sign of her cheating and she has sworn she isn't. She just doesn't know why she feels the way she does and doesn't know what she wants. She's hoping therapy will help. But in the mean time my life gets put on hold. If there was some sign that she really wanted to try and make things work between us I think I would have no problem waiting at all but that's not how it seems right now. She acts like she's trapped and I don't seem welcome in her life anymore and that's hard to handle.

[biggysmilez]

i don't have any advice, really, but my heart goes out to you.

[mtnbiker3000]

I don't know. I haven't found any sign of her cheating and she has sworn she isn't. She just doesn't know why she feels the way she does and doesn't know what she wants. She's hoping therapy will help. But in the mean time my life gets put on hold. If there was some sign that she really wanted to try and make things work between us I think I would have no problem waiting at all but that's not how it seems right now. She acts like she's trapped and I don't seem welcome in her life anymore and that's hard to handle.

 

Sorry to read this brother. I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling...

 

Stay strong and seek support

[todreaminblue]

Yes to the marriage counselling in my opinion...I believe marriages relationships and families are worth fighting for.....I really feel for you this is a horrible situation, my heart sank for you and your daughter......try what you can to save the marriage......its all you can do, your wife has to be a fighter too......and realize its worth it and step up to fighting for it.......I hope that she does.......because you can get back feelings that are lost ....bringing up children isnt an easy thing, it is easy to lose sight of just who you both are as a couple....you have to get that back...and it takes mutual effort ..not yours alone...i hope she comes to the realization that it can be bought back...with patience, understanding and the drive to at least try........best of luck.....prayers out there for you and your family....deb

[coaches24]

If you talk about this with your wife is it just a big fight? What do you want to do?

 

No it doesn't turn into a big fight but there is definitely some resentment that comes out. Our last real talk about this when she told me the part about never having really loved me and only marrying me because her friends were married ended with me telling her I wanted her to leave but it was all emotion without yelling or arguing. I told her the next day that she was free to do what she wanted as far as our living situation. She's willing to work on figuring out what to do with the house but as far as our marriage goes she hasn't been willing to do much of anything. I think she feels that her going to therapy is trying to make things work but to me it seems the only thing she has been willing to work on is herself. It's been almost a month since this all started so I don't know if I am just being impatient or if she is dragging this out to long.

[coaches24]

So I am trying to reconcile with my wife. She has agreed to go on a dinner date later this week and see if we can start to open our communication lines (we have a friend who has agreed to babysit for a couple hours). It is so awkward around her now so I don't know how this will go. I want so badly for this to go well and for us to be able to start working on our issues. My biggest worry after what she has told me about not loving me is that she will just continue to be cold and uncaring and I will end up getting hurt even more. I want so badly to be able to talk to her again but it is so hard right now.

 

I hope it doesn't turn into an awkward silent date.

[GorillaTheater]

You say you've ruled out cheating, but that's the way the situation appears. Her switch flipped. Something caused that, and unless you're some kind of abusive ass hole, it wasn't necessarily or even probably you.

 

You have some options here:

 

1) Dig. Keyloggers, GPS tracking, a whole host of gadgets out there designed to ferret out the truth.

 

2) Or my personal favorite: Give defiant people what they want. In this case, it'll mean filing for divorce. "Honey, I don't want to go this route, but I see no choice. Both of us deserve to be with people we love and who love us." One of two things will happen: she'll backtrack and express interest in saving the marriage, or she'll be fine with it. Either way, you've gotten an answer.

 

And I could see where you might think this is crazy. You're right, but it's crazy business. To do the counter-intuitive is your only chance, and the only way to win is to stop playing the game.

[Chi townD]

The most important thing you can do is NOT TO LEAVE THE HOUSE! If she's dead set on seperating, then she can leave. You can stay in the house with your kid. You don't want this, she does.

 

Her behavior is kinda strange. Just one day, POOF! I don't love you anymore. I would put a keylogger on the computer to see if their emails that are questionable. I would get a couple of Voice Activated Recorders (VAR's). Planet one somewhere in the house where you know she does a lot of talking on the phone and then go to the hardware store and get some heavy duty velcro and place a VAR under her driver seat in her car. If she's cheating, a lot of cheaters do most of their communicating while driving.

 

If she has an iPhone, she's probably charged up her phone through the computer. If she has, the phone has probably sync'd up with the computer. That means that there's a hidden file on the computer that has the text conversations from that phone in that file. You need to download and iphone file extractor and you can pull up that file.

 

Another thing you can do is get a burner phone that has a GPS App on it. Turn it on and hide it in the spare tire wheel well. You should be able to track her movements throughout the day. When you take the VAR out of the car to review it, take the burner phone out to recharge it.

 

Sounds sneeky, but you have every right to know what's going on in your marriage. Nothing that you wrote is setting off red flags with me as to if she's cheating on you, BUT my spidey senses are tingeling a little.

 

Hopefully, nothing comes of it, BUT better to be safe than sorry. And IF there is anything going on. NEVER REVEAL YOUR SOURCES!!!!! Don't tell her HOW you found out. The most important thing that she should be concerned about is that you DID find out.

[coaches24]

She does have an Iphone but is not good at syncing it at all. I have always had to do it and that hasn't happened in a while. I have gone through her phone records and used a phone number look up site but haven't found anything unusual. The people she talks to regularly are her friends and co workers. Texts are the same thing. I confronted her on this as well and told her how this makes no sense and that's when she said she isn't sure she ever loved me and she feels like she married me because her friends were married. I have done enough snooping to be satisfied there isn't anyone else. She also knew I was going through her phone and email and I am hoping that she said those things because she was mad about that. I admitted it and never really tried to hide it in the first place and I told her what you guys are saying that I felt I had a right to know what was going on since this was such a big sudden change.

 

When I say this is sudden I mean for me. She doesn't understand how I can say that as she says she has been feeling this way about our marriage for a couple years. She is the type of person who avoids conflict at all costs. The moment a conversation or argument becomes heated she shuts down.

 

Now for me it comes down to

does she want to try and save our marriage and family

is she willing to do whatever it takes like I am?

can I trust her after the things she has said to me? If what she said was true than the last 9 years have been a complete lie. She used to tell me all the time how lucky she was to have me and how all her friends always told her what a great guy I was. And then she pulls a 180 like this and says its been like that for a couple years?

 

We are looking to try and get a mortgage modification right now and I asked her if she wants her name off the mortgage since she has said she wants to walk away from the house (we owe quite a bit more than the house is worth having bought in 2007 but we are current and can make our payments when together but not seperately and certainly not if she moves out and gets an apartment). She doesn't want to do the paper work to get her name off the mortgage right now so I am taking that as a good sign. She hasn't decided to make anything permanent. If we can reduce our payments enough I think she may look at renting an apartment to have a trial seperation like her therapist says. I have expressed my desire to keep the house at all costs if possible and she has agreed with me that we should try and keep it if we can get financial help.

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

coaches, I am going through a nearly identical situation, although my wife of 13 years has finally pulled the plug and asked for a divorce 3 weeks ago. I have two boys 10 and 8.

 

The main difference is she gave me the "I don't love you anymore" talk about 9 months ago. We tried therapy and what I can tell you is this: therapy is for working out problems - not being in love with someone is not a problem, it is a feeling. If the feeling is gone, my experience is, therapy wont help. It only prolongs the inevitable (and its going to be really painful listening to your wife talk about her lack of feelings for you week after week).

 

My wife lost that feeling years ago. It really doesn't matter the reason and you can drive yourself crazy searching for one, but the truth is, you'll probably never really get an explanation that makes you feel "ok" with her choice.

 

Listen carefully to some of the advice being given - you are emotional now (as I am) but you need to prepare for the worst. DO NOT leave the house. She can claim you abandoned your daughter. Keep track of your finances - if you have a joint account be aware of what she's spending.

Write down every day what you did for your daughter that day - you need to start keeping a record showing you're a good parent. I know that seems like a weird thing but you may need to prove that you are a good father.

I would also get a digital recorder if only to record all your conversation with her. You may need that if she starts to make up lies about you.

You should also get an initial consultation with a lawyer - usually they are free and its good to know your rights should things turn south.

 

I know you have tremendous fears about your daughter. Know that she is resilient. You should worry less about how she feels and more about being cut out of her life.

 

I can't help you with the pain. Just know that you're not alone.

Edited April 29, 2013 by LIFE.GOES.wrONg

[coaches24]

Thank you for the advice and I am already afraid of everything you said. I told her during one of our talks that I felt like I was losing everything and she assured me she would never try to take our daughter away from me or keep me from being in her life but with everything else she has said and how she acts towards me I don't trust that for a second. I do keep track of everything.

 

Today my wife and I spent the day at a homeowners help event NACA to see of we can get any kind of assitence. We actually did ok together until late in the waiting process she asked me if I was saying anything to our daughter? I was floored. So on the way to pick our daughter up from preschool I asked my wife what kind of person she thinks I am to think I am going to say something about her to our 4 yo daughter when I am the one that wants the marriage to work. Then I told her how it's me thats home with our daughter most nights ( my wife picks her up twice a week and spends a little time with her on the weekends unless she has plans to go out for the weekend) and I get to deal with all the questions of "where's mommy", "why isn't mommy coming home?", and the kicker "why doesn't mommy love you?" which she came up with on her own. Apparently she is asking my wife if she loves daddy and my wife only answers with "well I love you" to which my daughter tells her "no you have to love daddy". So apparently to my wife that means I must be saying something to get my daughter to say those things to her.

 

My wife tried to say she spends as much time with our Daughter as I do and I put a stop to that pointing out that since this started (week before Easter ) I have spent WAY more time with our daughter than she has. My wife then tried to say that she doesn't think things are that different at home from what they were ( in other words our daughter couldn't possibly notice anything was wrong on her own). I then had to show how different things are now from before. How she doesn't come home till bed time most nights even if she does pick up our daughter ( they go to a friends house or the park or out to dinner) and she and I don't talk, kiss, hug or show any affection at all like we used to ( we

we're never real affectionate but we did show some affection everyday ), we don't talk, we don't do things together any more etc.

 

I asked my wife if money wasn't an issue (meaning if we could afford both mortgage payment and an apartment payment) what would she want to do? Where would she see US in a year as far). She said she really didnt know. She went on to explain she doesn't know why she's feeling this way, she doesn't know what she wants etc. I asked about how she felt when her therapist suggested marriage counseling and she told me the context of her therapist suggesting that was as a way to end things better.

 

I asked her "so it's for sure over, you don't see any chance at saving our marriage?" and she said no it doesn't mean that and she doesn't know if there is a chance at all. She wants space to try and "find herself " (she's about to turn 36 in May) and figure out "what's wrong with her ". She apologized for being selfish and admitted she felt that she was selfish for wanting to work on herself. Unforunately we didn't get to finish the conversation because I the next place I was going to take it was "you want me to give you space and let you find yourself without understanding remotely why and that means you are asking me to put my needs and my feelings aside while I wait for this. And I have no way of knowing, no assurances that if I wait that she isn't going to find herself and say thanks for waiting I want a divorce now and by the way I want custody of our daughter as well. We will see how our dinner goes on Thursday, I may bring that up then, we'll see.

 

 

coaches, I am going through a nearly identical situation, although my wife of 13 years has finally pulled the plug and asked for a divorce 3 weeks ago. I have two boys 10 and 8.

 

The main difference is she gave me the "I don't love you anymore" talk about 9 months ago. We tried therapy and what I can tell you is this: therapy is for working out problems - not being in love with someone is not a problem, it is a feeling. If the feeling is gone, my experience is, therapy wont help. It only prolongs the inevitable (and its going to be really painful listening to your wife talk about her lack of feelings for you week after week).

 

My wife lost that feeling years ago. It really doesn't matter the reason and you can drive yourself crazy searching for one, but the truth is, you'll probably never really get an explanation that makes you feel "ok" with her choice.

 

Listen carefully to some of the advice being given - you are emotional now (as I am) but you need to prepare for the worst. DO NOT leave the house. She can claim you abandoned your daughter. Keep track of your finances - if you have a joint account be aware of what she's spending.

Write down every day what you did for your daughter that day - you need to start keeping a record showing you're a good parent. I know that seems like a weird thing but you may need to prove that you are a good father.

I would also get a digital recorder if only to record all your conversation with her. You may need that if she starts to make up lies about you.

You should also get an initial consultation with a lawyer - usually they are free and its good to know your rights should things turn south.

 

I know you have tremendous fears about your daughter. Know that she is resilient. You should worry less about how she feels and more about being cut out of her life.

 

I can't help you with the pain. Just know that you're not alone.

[Chevuron]

She may be interested in someone else or she may just be a very stressed out, lost and confused. We all get a little scared and at times push away from things we care about for fear of dragging them down with us.

 

The marriage counselor sounds like a good idea--but if she won't agree to that maybe what she really does need is space (soul-searching, find herself again, etc).

 

I too fear for your daughter, but you can not control how another human being feels or reacts to things. It is strange to say that she is saying "she never loved you". There probably was a spark there--and the connection may truly be there or it might have faded slightly for her. I don't think the stress of your mortgages and things is helping.

[2sunny]

Keep digging - she's definitely cheating! All our evidence points to a cheater!

 

Dig deeper!

[coaches24]

Keep digging - she's definitely cheating! All our evidence points to a cheater!

 

Dig deeper!

 

For now I dont think she is. Things arent good right now for sure but I dont think cheating is the reason. She has low self esteem and always has and I have tried to help her see she doesnt have a reason to feel down on herself but obviously that hasnt worked.

 

Im not going to sit there and take her **** but Im not trying to drive her away more either. I am going to keep taking care of our daughter and myself and let my wife know I want to be apart of her life and her be apart of mine, and that if she doesnt want that, its on her, but I am not going to make the decision for her and I am not going to sit back and wait while she tries to find herself. Im not going to start dating, but I am going to do things I have wanted to do and didn't because I couldn't get her to agree to it. For the short term thats how it will be. If/ when she is ready to work on US then I will be more than ready. If that doesnt come, I am going to set myself up to be ready to move on.

[crederer]

I'm not saying she's cheating, but women with low self esteem seem to cheat the most. It makes them feel good that someone wants them.

 

Also, I don't believe in divorce really unless it's abusive (physically or emotionally). That's kind of the whole idea of marriage, you know? Promising to stay together forever, no matter what. Promising to work through whatever problems come your way. If you don't feel that way about marriage then you have no reason to get married.

[coaches24]

I'm not saying she's cheating, but women with low self esteem seem to cheat the most. It makes them feel good that someone wants them.

 

Also, I don't believe in divorce really unless it's abusive (physically or emotionally). That's kind of the whole idea of marriage, you know? Promising to stay together forever, no matter what. Promising to work through whatever problems come your way. If you don't feel that way about marriage then you have no reason to get married.

 

I feel the same way about marriage but if she doesn't feel that way there won't be much I can do. For now I will try but she has to be willing to try as well or it will all be for not. I can't force her to do marriage counseling or anything else to work on our marriage.

[2sunny]

I'm not saying she's cheating, but women with low self esteem seem to cheat the most. It makes them feel good that someone wants you.

 

This ^^^^^

 

Yep, good reason to keep digging.

 

Your eyes are closed so tight - you seem to not recognize what's slapping you in the face!

[coaches24]

This ^^^^^

 

Yep, good reason to keep digging.

 

Your eyes are closed so tight - you seem to not recognize what's slapping you in the face!

 

I don't think so as I went through every part of her I phone and email when this happened and there was not a single trace of anything to suggest cheating. Went through her browser history (which I don't think has ever been cleared from the looks of it), her texts, phone calls, messages etc. If she was cheating I would have found something. But there wasn't a single suspicious thing on her phone.

[2sunny]

Does she have one of those "secret phones?"

 

You know, the pay as you go ones you can buy anywhere?

[coaches24]

Does she have one of those "secret phones?"

 

You know, the pay as you go ones you can buy anywhere?

 

our finances are combined and I do all the bills so if she does she must have another way to pay for it and I don't know where she would keep it. It's not in her car or purse.

[Am4Real]

Boy o’ boy are you ever in denial.

 

There is most definitely something going on in her life that you are not aware of. Think of it, you were not aware she did not love you anymore; you were not aware she has not loved you for years; you were not aware she married you only because her friends were married. If you did not know these things about her how and why can you be sure about anything right now?

 

Do you see that?

 

Something changed in her life; something is making her feel trapped “now”.

 

Although she has been unhappy and perhaps not in love for many years, she lived with it and obviously fit into your marriage quite well. So let’s say it came to a head now and she has decided she no longer wants to continue in an unloving marriage. I get that. The easy way out is a mutual understanding between her and you, conversation, remorse or courtesy through conversation and action, etc But not your wife: she wants out immediately, she can barely communicate with you, she needs to get away “now”. She is feeling guilty just by being around you, perhaps?

 

Posters on your thread are suspicious of her actions because those who have been cheated on have seen these classic signs. I tend to agree with their suspicions.

 

Something you said is also enlightening this thread. You mentioned your wife goes out frequently, alone presumably, during the week and on the weekends. You are left caring for your daughter.

 

What is that all about? Don’t repeat the line she tells you, what do you suppose is going on; does your gut tell you anything?

 

Something doesn’t sound right in her actions in the way you tell the story or are believing it…of course we have no way of knowing or acting upon this information, but you do…keep digging.

 

In the meantime you should be putting your financial affairs in order. Some of the posters have given you great advice; mine is seeking immediate legal guidance. Make sure you tell the attorney of your suspicions (if you tend to lean this way) as there may eventually be a third person involved who could be changing your wife’s view of what is lawfully or unlawfully hers (the team approach versus you)

 

Keep us posted.

[coaches24]

No she goes out with a female friend who is also having marital problems ( though its my understanding that her issues are mental abuse from her husband). And they have stopped going out late at my request. My wife has never gone out on her own and when I said frequent it was once a week usually and she would be home around bed time. She didnt stay out later than 8 or 9 o clock more than a couple times and I knew before hand she was doing that and our financial transactions back up what she said she was doing as well as her friends. Her friend doesn't condone cheating as just last year she broke off a friendship because the friend cheated on her husband. Now that woman is no longer friends with any of my wife's friends because she has carried on the affair with an also married man (my wife told me the whole story when it was happening).

 

Im suspicious too but I believe what I can see and I have searched everything and have found not one clue. So while maybe it's possible I have no proof and haven't been able to get proof.

 

 

 

 

Boy o’ boy are you ever in denial.

 

There is most definitely something going on in her life that you are not aware of. Think of it, you were not aware she did not love you anymore; you were not aware she has not loved you for years; you were not aware she married you only because her friends were married. If you did not know these things about her how and why can you be sure about anything right now?

 

Do you see that?

 

Something changed in her life; something is making her feel trapped “now”.

 

Although she has been unhappy and perhaps not in love for many years, she lived with it and obviously fit into your marriage quite well. So let’s say it came to a head now and she has decided she no longer wants to continue in an unloving marriage. I get that. The easy way out is a mutual understanding between her and you, conversation, remorse or courtesy through conversation and action, etc But not your wife: she wants out immediately, she can barely communicate with you, she needs to get away “now”. She is feeling guilty just by being around you, perhaps?

 

Posters on your thread are suspicious of her actions because those who have been cheated on have seen these classic signs. I tend to agree with their suspicions.

 

Something you said is also enlightening this thread. You mentioned your wife goes out frequently, alone presumably, during the week and on the weekends. You are left caring for your daughter.

 

What is that all about? Don’t repeat the line she tells you, what do you suppose is going on; does your gut tell you anything?

 

Something doesn’t sound right in her actions in the way you tell the story or are believing it…of course we have no way of knowing or acting upon this information, but you do…keep digging.

 

In the meantime you should be putting your financial affairs in order. Some of the posters have given you great advice; mine is seeking immediate legal guidance. Make sure you tell the attorney of your suspicions (if you tend to lean this way) as there may eventually be a third person involved who could be changing your wife’s view of what is lawfully or unlawfully hers (the team approach versus you)

 

Keep us posted.

[revitup]

Coach,Sorry for your pain.

 

That being said,how long has this friend of your W been in the picture?How long has the friend been having marital problems?

 

It is (as many others here have stated) hard for me not to see another player in the game.Love is blind my friend.

 

If your wife loves you and wants to make it all work,she will spend more time talking to you than going out.Wherever she spends the bulk of her spare time is where her heart truly is.

 

Keep checking and be ready for anything.

 

REVITUP

[Bluesandy]

She may be interested in someone else or she may just be a very stressed out, lost and confused. We all get a little scared and at times push away from things we care about for fear of dragging them down with us.

 

The marriage counselor sounds like a good idea--but if she won't agree to that maybe what she really does need is space (soul-searching, find herself again, etc).

 

I too fear for your daughter, but you can not control how another human being feels or reacts to things. It is strange to say that she is saying "she never loved you". There probably was a spark there--and the connection may truly be there or it might have faded slightly for her. I don't think the stress of your mortgages and things is helping.

 

I agree with Chevuron.... I would bet she might have been attracted to someone else, and may be she was with him the nite you weren't there, explaining a lot of things (same thing happened to me when I was away), especially her drastic change... Could be also the among of stress, but even in this case, may be she talk with someone the night you weren't there (could be a friend telling her she would better in another life), or someone she is attracted to, available or not, making her realizing it could be another world beside hers...

In all that cases, you need to be strong.... Is there a way you could increase your financial position, which could be part of the problem...

Courage

André