Dating someone who has been hurt

[TheGuard13]

I know we've all been hurt at one point or another, but how do you all approach dating with a woman (or a man) whohas been hurt really badly in the past, and now has issues regarding trust, commitment, etc? I'm kind of seeing both sides of it at the moment, in her and myself.

 

I started seeing a new girl, and we’ve hung out about four orfive times in three weeks or so. We’ve had sex a couple of times, kissed a lot, and done plenty of snuggling. We’re kind of taking it slow physically to a point, and I don't think either of us are in love or anything like that, but we're definitely becoming friends, and finding out a lot about each other fairly quickly.

 

I just broke up with my girlfriend about a month ago, and the new woman and I have discussed this, and the initial agreement was for this to be a casual thing, with theunderstanding that we’d probably be friends regardless of what happened based on our relative maturity about relationships and everything else that we have in common. While spooning the othernight, she said “I didn’t realize until tonight that I really liked you”, and went on to say that she could see herself falling for me, which to me sounds a whole lot like "I'm falling for you".

 

She's divorced, she's been used a couple of times, and she’s told me that she tends to keep people at arm's length and is scared to get involved with anyone seriously again, because she’sbeen hurt before, and lost some good friends and opportunities over bad relationship choices. Essentially she had a bad marriage, and got involved with a man she didn't know was married until it was too late, which seems to have really messed her up regarding relationships.

 

So how do I approach this? I have no interest in “using” anyone. I really like and care about thiswoman. I want to keep seeing her, and I can absolutely see dating her longterm atsome point in the near future. But I'm in no place to be in a committedrelationship at the moment. I still live with my ex-girlfriend until at leastSeptember. And while I have income, I don’t have a particularly great job, and have been looking for about nine months. Add to that the fact that while I'm not exactly insecure, my confidence is somewhat shot because of issues arising from my previous relationship.

 

So I think a relationship cannot be a main focus at the moment. I cannot devote as much energy and attentionas I would otherwise like to. And I don’t want to jump into something serious and longterm with thefirst woman I’ve seen when single, because that’s more or less what I did last time, and it didn’t work outso well.

 

I'm mostly interested in how to be transparent enough without hurting this girl. I'm not seeing anyone else at the moment, but there are some options for dates that I am mildly interested in, and will likely pursue if this woman continues to try to keep things casual, which is what we both wanted in the first place. So do I assume that thingsare as we agreed/discussed on our first date unless she says otherwise? Flat out tell her that I planto date around for a while? Have a big long drawn out discussion about what we bothneed/want, etc and figure things out together? Bah.

[jennifer4]

I agree with keeping it as agreed. With your recent break up and living arrangements it just doesn't sound like a relationship with this woman would be possible right now. Maybe down the road, but take it slow. Good luck to you.

[Treasa]

At this point in my life, having dropped pretty much all of the baggage I was carrying around (it got way too freaking heavy), I can't say I'd date someone with a lot of their own baggage. In my early 30s or younger? Sure. I had time and patience for that then. Now I don't want any baggage.

 

And what luck, for the guy I'm pretty much with has NO baggage!

[TheGuard13]

The plot thickens. Sorry for the length and apologies if TMI, I'm pretty upset and not really sure how to feel at the moment.

 

Over the last few weeks, I've been getting to know this woman better. She's been through a lot in her life. She has revealed that she suffers from bipolar disorder, has a sexual assault and a history of verbal abuse (bullying) in her past, and what is likely post traumatic stress disorder from a bad marriage and the unhealthy relationship mentioned above that she was in a few years ago.

 

Fair enough. **** happens. People have their issues. I've dealt with various issues over the years, including an ex wife who was bipolar and possibly borderline, and I have a close friend who is severely bipolar as well.

 

This girl has been kind of parceling out this information, but overall, though she's been slow to open up, a fact she told me when we first began seeing each other, she's been honest with me. I actually figured out she was bipolar pretty quickly, but wanted to give her the opportunity to open up when she was ready to do so. She told me upfront about all of these issues, though she was initially afraid to do so, as she thought I'd run away with each subsequent reveal.

 

About a month ago, right after we started seeing each other, she told me that she thought she might have genital herpes, because she had a rash on her genitals, and questioned me about my sexual/STD history. She believed I might have given it to her during oral sex, as I tend to get cold sores about once a year, and did have one a month and a half or so prior to our first sexual contact. I was honest with her about getting them before we kissed or had oral sex or intercourse, and since I hadn't had symptoms for weeks, we figured it was safe to proceed.

 

Anyway, we both went and got blood tested the same day, and the results for herpes and other STDs were all negative. Turned out it was likely ingrown hairs, since she'd recently shaved. The rash went away. However, it then came back a few weeks later. She went back to the doctor, and was told that since she had tested negative, it was probably an allergic reaction to a medication she was on for her bipolar, and to immediately discontinue the meds in order to ascertain this, so she stepped down over the period of a few weeks. She's had some issues adjusting, but overall, has handled it pretty well.

 

The rash had still not gone away a week after she'd stopped taking the medication, and was causing her some level of discomfort and pain, and she was growing concerned, because she believed that it was either herpes, or, according to her doctor, something she'd need to be hospitalized for in regard to her medication. She was actually hoping that it was herpes this past weekend, because she preferred that to the alternative, which would have made medicating her for her bipolar difficult.

 

During this time, we have been abstaining from sexual activity, as she was worried about passing whatever it was that she had on to me, and wanted to make sure it was nothing serious before we moved forward. It's been a constant source of frustration for both of us, as we very much want to be intimate with each other.

 

Tonight, she text messaged me just after 1 AM, telling me that she'd been in a lot of pain and gone to the Emergency Room, and had now tested positive for herpes. She told me that I'm not her favorite person at the moment, because even if I didn't know I could give her something, I'd been careless, and then she said that I should leave her alone for a while. This is a similar emotional reaction from her to the ones she had where she first told me she might have herpes, and when she realized the rash was coming back. It seems like she's trying to make sense of the whole thing, but in the process, she's basically accusing me of giving her something awful.

 

Which seems likely, but as I understand it, is more or less impossible to prove, because herpes can stick around with no symptoms for quite some time and then flare up randomly. And I have my doubts, given the particularly crappy relationship she was in a few years ago with a man who, by all accounts, is a philandering *******.

 

Anyway, I tried to call her, didn't get an answer, and messaged her that I know she's going through a lot right now, that it was going to be ok, that I cared about her and am here if she wants to talk.

 

This woman doesn't exactly have a persecution complex, but she's been hurt fairly recently, and she's sensitive to people wronging her, if that makes any sense. I suppose it's hypervigilance, hence the PTSD diagnosis.

 

I'm not really sure how to feel right now. Not too many people want herpes, and I'm no exception, but I do think there's a stigma attached to it, much like that of mental illness, that is somewhat unfair and hyperbolic. It's not the dealbreaker with me that it is with many (most) people, nor are the mental illness issues.

 

I know there are a lot of "red flags" here, but I believe that people are not their maladies or their baggage. I believe that people are who they are inside, how they respond to adversity, and how they treat me and others in their lives. This girl is aware of her issues. She recognized an issue a few years ago and sought help for her bipolar on her own, and is now both on medication (until recently) and attending regular counseling sessions. She lives a fairly productive, successful life. She seems to be a good, honest person, if a bit insecure and tentative to trust.

 

I just got out of a year and a half relationship, and am just getting back into dating. We've discussed that neither of us are quite ready for any kind of long term commitment yet, and have been trying to take it slow, though we've been getting closer.

 

She's intelligent, funny, open-minded, scary talented, very attractive, is sexy as hell, enthusiastic about sex and good in bed, is nonjudgemental, compassionate, and we share a lot of key interests and hobbies. I really like this girl, and I could absolutely see being with her in the future, but given the balance of issues at hand, and her emotional "reactions" and everything that's happened thus far, I'm just not sure how to proceed.

 

I guess I should just wait to see if she even still wants to talk to me at this point and go from there. Just needed to vent.

[Emilia]

Leaving herpes to one side for the moment.

 

OP, you mention this person has mental health issues and that you had a serious relationship (or marriage, can't remember sorry) with someone who was also bipolar. Would you say you have the tendency to date women who are fragile and need excessive caretaking?

[TheGuard13]

Not on purpose, and I wouldn't necessarily say that they're fragile or need excessive caretaking. None of these things were apparent prior to actually starting to go out with her. I didn't seek her out for them or anything like that.

Edited May 21, 2013 by TheGuard13

[Emilia]

Not on purpose, and I wouldn't necessarily say that they're fragile or need excessive caretaking. None of these things were apparent prior to actually starting to go out with her. I didn't seek her out for them or anything like that.

Just because you seem to be overtly concerned about her yet not so much for yourself

[TheGuard13]

I'm concerned about myself, but not overly so. I know I have whatever it is that cold sores are, I've had it for years, and it's never been an issue. I've not had any herpes symptoms myself, and I tested negative (which apparently means nothing in men anyway) for the virus.

 

I definitely have concerns about her, and how well she manages her various challenges, but only time will tell how well a relationship with this girl would work out. At this point, we haven't actually had sex since the initial time, which is when she thinks she got it from me.

 

Overall, it's less about me being attracted to fragile women, and more about me being attracted to theatre girls, who are inherently a little bit nuts, as is pretty much everyone in theatre, I've found. I've never met a truly talented, creative person that didn't have some sort of issues.

 

I guess I'm just not sure how to approach the situation. I figure space and taking it slow is the way to go at this point.

[RedRobin]

My advice to people when these situations arise is simply stop having sex with each other until you can get to know them better.

 

Sex complicates things.

 

If you can't imagine doing that, or can't physically manage it, then I'd argue that would be the definition of 'using' someone for sex... no matter how it is painted.