it's sometimes better not to get back with your ex...

[shahjahan]

When he broke up with me, all I dreamt about was getting him back. He broke up with me, believe it or not, over differences in religious and political beliefs: he was very religious, and I am an atheist - to cut the long story short. If you feel like it, you can read all my past pains here).

 

It was a pretty painful, back-and-forth breakup, which took almost a month to finalize. Finally, he sent me an email, in which he essentially said that his decision was definitive, that there was nothing I could do to change it, and that surely someone else would "appreciate all my qualities" if I let them. The "get on with your life, woman, and get yourself another boyfriend" kind of email. I was shattered, but slowly, after some time I put myself back together.

 

For several weeks, we had no contact. I deliberately did not respond to any Christmasy messages. Painfully, and slowly, I actually managed to get myself back on my feet. I even started dating (casually) other guys, even had a couple of one-night-stands.

 

Eventually, I was ok. I managed to stop thinking about him. I didn't care if he wanted me back or not. In fact, I didn't want him back either. I bought a ticket for a trip to an exotic country a few months ahead. I caught up with a friend who suggested to come with me, so we can travel together to such an exotic location. I had a lot to look forward to and life was fun.

 

And then, when I least expected it, my ex sent me a message, inviting me for dinner. At his place. "I don't know how you'll react to this and I'll understand this if you don't think it's a good idea, but...." kind of message. After giving it some thought, I politely declined saying I'd be extremely busy that week (which was true). I wondered what he was up to.

 

Finally, since he insisted, and kept inviting me over, and since I was really curious what it was that he wanted, I accepted the invitation after a few weeks. Needless to say, when we finally met, it was a wonderful evening. We had missed each other, we had missed talking to each other, it was fun to be in each other's company again. And much less painful than I had thought, since I didn't really think of getting back together anymore. I did not mention the pains of the breakup. I decided I would stay cool and show him that I was ok.

 

Needless to say, we ended up in bed. Needless to say, I fell into the trap. We got back together. Not all of a sudden, but yes, just a couple of weeks later he texted me saying he had never stopped loving me, and wanted me to be part of his future forever.

 

The problem was - I had already moved on. I still had warm feeling for him, I still loved being around him, I still cared for him, and was happy to see him again. But something was missing. Basically, I didn't trust him anymore. Every time he contacted me, I felt like maybe this was going to be another "break-up call". I realized, it was not about forgiving (which I already had done), but about forgetting, which was much more difficult. Besides, myself, I was not committed to him as much as I used to be. For some reason, I simply wasn't. Maybe because I realized there were other guys areound and he was not the greatest person on the planet. Maybe because I realized my own value in the meantime and was happy being with myself? Maybe. Something was gone and was not coming back.

 

I was sad, and I often thought I had to break up, but then, whenever we met, I just couldn't bring myself to say this to him. Everyone deserves to be given a second chance, I thought. So I have to be patient and give it a little time. And again, we had a wonderful evening. And again, all seemed well. But I just didn't see a future with him anymore and couldn't help it. I realized sometimes it is better not to get what you want. Getting back together was all I dreamt about, when he left me. And now, when we did, I was indifferent. I was hoping maybe to fall back in love, when the wound has finally healed. But this didn't happen.

 

He, on the other hand, seemed doubly committed. As if the time we had spent apart made him convinced that he really wanted to be with me. He never apologized for his past behaviour, though, and acted - essentially - as if nothing ever happened. As if the two months of crying and insomnia that I had to endure never actually took place.

 

Meanwhile, I decided not to cancel my exotic trip. After all, why would I? But sure enough, me and my travelbuddy, when wandering around the beautiful South American mountains, grew closer together. And I realized that this, perhaps, may be the kind of guy I had been waiting for. What was going to be an innocent hiking trip, eventually grew romantic. Worst of all, I felt almost no remorse. I simply knew that I had to get myself out of this situation.

 

And even though he does not know anything about it, now I find myself painfully realizing that I will have to be the one to break up with the same guy, whom I had been pining for all this time. I find myself realizing that the "second chance" I would have paid any price for was simply not worth it. I could not have foreseen it, but it was simply too late. I was not in love anymore.

 

And now I am going to have to hurt him. I hate myself for it, but I simply have no choice anymore.

 

So, this is to all of you guys, who are desperate to get your ex back: no matter how much you suffer, and how painful it is, it will go away. And even if the dream of getting back together and living happily ever after may seem like the most desireable thing in the world - it may as well be an illusion. And a painful one, for that matter. So even if your ex does call you after a couple of months, wanting to get back together, think twice before you jump into it.

[Am4Real]

No argument from me.

 

The near same thing happened about 5.5 years ago...oh ya, it's the same b/u that brought me to LS originally. :-)

 

However, different form you, I went NC and stayed that way all the way through healing and when she contacted me with all her desires to get back together, I was so far over her I couldn't see myself with her -- all was gone! I never looked back, she called me once a month for the next 24 months. I kid you not.

 

So I agree with you. As much as those that are hurt and in pain wish for nothing but their EX back and, like you mention, would pay almost anything, let time and healing do its thing before making any leaps.

 

Good post!!!

[travelonic]

I must say, as I always seem to do, that it can't be painted with an all or none brush as always - it depends on the people, the relationship, the breakup/why, who wants the reconciliation. There is always a chance it will fail, and always a chance it will succeed. Just because the OP's story ended up in failure doesn't mean that it will ALWAYS be this way- though at the same time when wanting reconciliation, you should always be mindful of the possibility it will fail [and remember success requires a BI-PARTISAN effort].

 

I think instead of "think twice," a better lesson is "think carefully, and tread carefully" - just IMO.

[Minneloa]

I must say, as I always seem to do, that it can't be painted with an all or none brush as always - it depends on the people, the relationship, the breakup/why, who wants the reconciliation. There is always a chance it will fail, and always a chance it will succeed. Just because the OP's story ended up in failure doesn't mean that it will ALWAYS be this way- though at the same time when wanting reconciliation, you should always be mindful of the possibility it will fail [and remember success requires a BI-PARTISAN effort].

 

I think instead of "think twice," a better lesson is "think carefully, and tread carefully" - just IMO.

 

Travelonic, with all due respect, I am going to speak frankly. This type of comment--reminding us all not to generalize--seems to be your main mode of responding to various posts on this forum, and I'm not sure how helpful that is. In this particular case, I don't believe the OP is suggesting that every LS poster should assume that every attempt at reconciliation will necessarily always fail. Rather, she, at least in my reading, is offering her own experience in the hopes that it will serve as a helpful corrective to the fantasy scenario that many (yes, I can back up that word with copious examples) folks here find tempting, distracting, and detrimental to the healing process.

 

We all have our irritations and triggers--yours seems to be generalizations--but I think you may be projecting/misreading in some cases (see above). At any rate, I would much rather hear your opinion or specific experience than another general warning against generalizations.

[cherie88]

So, this is to all of you guys, who are desperate to get your ex back: no matter how much you suffer, and how painful it is, it will go away. And even if the dream of getting back together and living happily ever after may seem like the most desireable thing in the world - it may as well be an illusion. And a painful one, for that matter. So even if your ex does call you after a couple of months, wanting to get back together, think twice before you jump into it.

very insightful

[all_cats_rgray]

I think this post, i find to many posts that seem to sink me into the hole of sadness.

 

My ego is very bruised. I didn't know you could hate someone you loved. It's all messed up.

 

I really agree with livedandlearned. You sound like you still resent him, I would too. I would be as cold as ice on the inside, trust is not something to play with.

 

I'd love to dump my ex...

[singme2sleep]

Op, you are right!

 

I never thought I would say this but I truly don't want my ex back. In the beginning and even a little longer as other people on here can attest to, I wanted him back like crazy. I defended his reasons to myself, my family/friends and everyone on here who was only trying to help me heal. It finally took me finding out he's with a new girl, to throw out the hope of reconciliation and actually see the light.

 

My ex is an idiot who doesn't know what he wants or what he's doing in life and though I did love him, I now realize that he wasn't the right person for me in the long run. I'm starting to feel better about myself and I look forward to the future.

 

Anyway my point is that many dumpees hold out hope and put their ex on a pedestal, but I think most of the time a breakup sticks for a reason. And in a way I think it is better to be the dumpee rather than the dumper because the person who gets left ends up improving their life and being stronger. But the person who leaves sometimes regrets it and its too late or learns the grass isn't greener.

 

Okay, I'm done rambling