confused4321 Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 I have been trying to reconcile for months now and for a little while I thought that maybe just maybe I could do this. However, the further away from D-day I get the worse I am feeling. I don't know how other BS's get through this. Even if I could get past the fact that he slept with her. I don't know if I can get past how bad he kept hurting his family through all of this just to keep it going as long as he did. I was hoping that time would eventually help, but the longer it gets the worse my thoughts seem to be. I do love him and would love nothing more than to keep our family together, but I don't know what else to do. I feel completely stuck and getting more depressed everyday.
Decorative Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 I have been trying to reconcile for months now and for a little while I thought that maybe just maybe I could do this. However, the further away from D-day I get the worse I am feeling. I don't know how other BS's get through this. Even if I could get past the fact that he slept with her. I don't know if I can get past how bad he kept hurting his family through all of this just to keep it going as long as he did. I was hoping that time would eventually help, but the longer it gets the worse my thoughts seem to be. I do love him and would love nothing more than to keep our family together, but I don't know what else to do. I feel completely stuck and getting more depressed everyday. What is he doing to help you?
Author confused4321 Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 I am not in counseling because we definitely can not afford it at this time. I have been talking to my aunt and she agrees that I need to do something, but how when you can't afford it. As far as he goes he has done a lot, but I keep getting the "trickle truth" and I just can't take that anymore. I can't make him do something he doesn't want to do and I really don't want to. So that is part of my reason for wanting to leave. I just can't take this anymore. Maybe part of it has to do with me being depressed, but even if I wasn't I don't see how we can move forward from here. 1
Decorative Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 I am not in counseling because we definitely can not afford it at this time. I have been talking to my aunt and she agrees that I need to do something, but how when you can't afford it. As far as he goes he has done a lot, but I keep getting the "trickle truth" and I just can't take that anymore. I can't make him do something he doesn't want to do and I really don't want to. So that is part of my reason for wanting to leave. I just can't take this anymore. Maybe part of it has to do with me being depressed, but even if I wasn't I don't see how we can move forward from here. He has to do a lot of proving to you that he worthy of your love and eventual trust. It doesn't sound to me like he is doing that. I would make that clear to him, and disengage. Separate or file for divorce. He has to make an effort. At the minimum- he needs to tell you the truth, and trickle truth doesn't count. That come from a selfish need to protect himself - not you. I would be done trying at this point with him. Doesn't mean it has to be permanently over- but you're telling the story of a wayward who does not get it. 3
ladydesigner Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Please find free counseling. I thought I could handle the aftermath of my WH's infidelity and my life just kept spiraling down into a depression I could not pull myself out of. I tried to commit suicide and then kept cutting. It was very bad . I have been in inpatient 2 times one for the apparent suicide attempt and the other for suicidal thoughts and cutting. I was never a cutter before all this happened. The trauma is very real and some of us (myself included) suffer from PTSD caused from the infidelity, gaslighting, verbal and emotional abuse, etc. I am 14 months from initial DDay and have only started to feel better these last couple of months. I have an individual counselor and a psychiatrist who have helped me through this experience. I also belong to another infidelity support forum that also has really helped me. Depression is no joke and can get worse. I needed medication finally and it saved my life. (((confused4321))) 2
Athens Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 You will need to heal no matter what, so the question becomes do you want to heal with or without your husband. For me, I can not imagine dealing with this without him. Despite the hurt and betrayal, he truly is the one that knows me best and that I deeply love. You need to think for yourself and what you want for you. I hope you find peace and happiness and most of all healing! 1
whichwayisup Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 I am not in counseling because we definitely can not afford it at this time. I have been talking to my aunt and she agrees that I need to do something, but how when you can't afford it. As far as he goes he has done a lot, but I keep getting the "trickle truth" and I just can't take that anymore. I can't make him do something he doesn't want to do and I really don't want to. So that is part of my reason for wanting to leave. I just can't take this anymore. Maybe part of it has to do with me being depressed, but even if I wasn't I don't see how we can move forward from here. Borrow the money if need be. Cut down on spending and do go to some marriage counseling sessions. Isn't partial coverage possible with your or your husbands job? Look into it. Anyway, fact that he hasn't totally come clean and he isn't owning all that he's done is why you feel this isn't working. Rightfully so.. if he wants you, the marriage and to keep the family under one roof then he HAS to fight hard for it and not give a half ass effort because he is scared of opening up or worried he'll hurt you more. The damage has been done, he has to buck it up and man up. Give it all you got, with him and if things don't work out at least you'll know you tried your best. 4
underwater2010 Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 I am at the 10 months mark of finding out. I still cry about once a week at the most. But it does get better. As for the tickle truth....you need to set up a consequence for that behavior continuing. Mine would have been leaving...and I was dead serious. Maybe send him some links to this board and surviving infidelity. Both have good resources for WSs with great examples of the damage caused by tickle truth. Hugs and keep your chin up. You don't have to stay if you don't want to. 2
Spark1111 Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 TELL HIM....everything you have shared here. be brutally honest; what you need, what you want, what you feel He NEEDS to do and why you feel He has not been delivering. Then lean back.....waaaay back....and don't do a damn thing to improve anything, except talk to divorce lawyers for a free consultation. get your ducks in order and TELL HIM what you are doing. TELL HIM. AND Stop trying so hard. Give him a chance to step up to the plate, but commit to nothing. PROCEED as if you are forging a future without him. You may have to, anyway. Get going on it. 4
BetrayedH Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 TELL HIM....everything you have shared here. be brutally honest; what you need, what you want, what you feel He NEEDS to do and why you feel He has not been delivering. Then lean back.....waaaay back....and don't do a damn thing to improve anything, except talk to divorce lawyers for a free consultation. get your ducks in order and TELL HIM what you are doing. TELL HIM. AND Stop trying so hard. Give him a chance to step up to the plate, but commit to nothing. PROCEED as if you are forging a future without him. You may have to, anyway. Get going on it. Solid advice right there. I would separate, file for divorce, and detach from him. If you see sufficient remorse thereafter, you can always halt the proceedings. Trying to forgive first is typically counter-productive; they just keep lying, denying, minimizing, and lying some more. Sometimes filing for divorce is a wake-up call for them and if it's not, you're on the way to the divorce you need. Being soft at all just lets them keep doing it their way (and their way sucks). 2
ComingInHot Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 confused wrote, " and I just can't take that anymore. I can't make him do something he doesn't want to do and I really don't want to." And therein squats the toad! When it comes down to it, the reason could be Anything, ie; infidelity, verbal/mental abuse, physical abuse, financial immorality etc... No one can Make someone DO something or Change if they don't want to... Confused, I'm SO sorry you are going through this!*
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