Just broke NC after 2.5 months

[targaryen]

What a massive regression. After all that work, effort and pain, I went and ruined it all. And now I have to start it all again. And this time it's worse, because at least before I broke NC I was kidding myself with the notion that I was making myself mysterious and thus more interesting to her. Now she just knows I'm weak, broken, pathetic and all she has is pity for me.

 

In the past week, this has been building up, in my own head, until it exploded. I was getting distracted from work and everything else, all I kept doing was rehearsing hypothetical conversions with her...writing emails and then deleting them or keeping them as draft...I was never quite able to call her either because I was afraid she woulnd't pick up. And then today happened. A bad day (started off with a funeral and then massive work load at the office, and a flat tire to cap it off)..

 

.I ended up dialing her on impulse while waiting to be picked up, Once that first ring I had this chilling feeling in the stomach, like it wasn't real..but if I hung up then she would still know, having it as a missed call and me having not changed my number. But she picked up at the 4th ring....and it was awkward as hell. I told her I just wanted to catch up a bit since I hadn't seen her, and to get coffee this weekd, she asked me if I had anything specific to tell her..then she said she would think about it. I hung up feeling deflated. Knowing that was a nice way to let someone down, I knew this was going to happen, why the crap did I end up calling anyway? Surpsingly she texted an hour later...saying 'we should leave that coffee. it will just make it harder to keep going. stay strong'. so that's it. i threw away 82 days of no contact for this.

 

People from my other thread will know that this was coming, I guess. While february (the month immediately after the breakup) was sad and stressful started I was so busy with work and commitments that I couldn't allow myself to think about it. March had its ups and down, but I was cruising along. And then April came, and I realised that this was real. I tried to protect myself by stopping checking her blog....it worked for a few days, then suddenly the urge to contact her was too strong...i checked her blog to deflect it but it didn't work...and this is how i ended up here...confused, more lost then ever, sad, lonely, depressed, and wanting to give up

[GI_Joy]

We all have our down days. It makes us human. Don't let this overcome or define you. Focus on how far you've come and just because you had this moment doesn't mean you blew it for good. Just pick yourself up, and try again. Sometimes we just couldn't help but give in to that temptation, but now you've learned that it wasn't such a good idea. But the only thing you can do is just keep moving forward! Life isn't life without these bumps in the road, and that's all they are. Bumps. Not walls.

[cdt76]

I'm sorry. I know we all want that conversation to end entirely differently for you and ourselves. But there is no diluting ourselves. The past is gone all we have is the now.

[iouaname]

It's alright, it has happened to me as well. It happens to a lot of us. I know that it sucks and is terrible but you just have to pick up and go from there. We're all human and we make mistakes and sometimes act in ways we regret. I felt the exact same way after I had spoken to him, that two months of hard work was down the drain. But the truth is -- I spent those two months holding out, convincing myself that he was going to come back. I at least now know that he doesn't even have feelings for me anymore, and it has given me a little extra push to move on.

 

Try to see some of the good in this - now, you have to force yourself to move on without 'hope' and without the idea that the two of you might reconcile.

 

Do something even more drastic this time, block her numbers so that you can't contact her. Figure out how to block her blog from being viewed on your webpage.

 

"The only mistakes are the ones from which we learn nothing." So turn this from a mistake into a learning experience. Cut her out completely, not for her but for you, and now start all over again with new knowledge of the situation and a clearer idea of where you need to go from here.

[may_girl]

It's true - Just think to yourself, you won't look back and think you missed out on any chances. You now know you've done everything you could to get your ex's attention and get them back.

 

You tend to regret the things that you didn't do more than the things you do.

 

Take this as a lesson and move on. I am sure your ex understands that if they were in the same position as you, they'd have messed up a hell of a lot more. You have been very strong and you can definitely get to the same place again as you were before.

Edited April 24, 2013 by may_girl

[Am4Real]

Did you call her without a purpose other than getting a coffee? No, according to you, you had been rehearsing lines, writing emails, etc Apparently you had much to say.

 

What do you do? Basically "screw it up" when she asks if you had anything specific to say and no where in your post do I read you telling her something like "yes I do, and if we could it's an appropriate topic for a conversation over coffee. Would that be good with you? It shouldn't be more than 20 minutes, would you have 20 minutes tomorrow?"

 

In other words, she was asking you what your intentions were and instead of creating a little intrigue and reassuring her you would not run your mouth and emotions endlessly by proposing a time limit, the best you could come up with is to ask her for coffee on the weekend?

 

On the weekend? As soon as you proposed the "weekend" and just coffee it doesn't take a rocket scientist to interpret your words as "hey, let's go on a date and catch up"

 

Come'on targaryen I'm going to be hard on you here, real hard, if you're going to break NC (and forget about the wisdom of that for a second) be damn sure you have a purpose for breaking it, a method for communicating it, presenting some intrigue in your initial contact, and certainly have a time, place and limit that doesn't make it sound like a date.

 

Learn from this one...perhaps start with my signature line.

 

Hang in there...sorry for being hard on you, it's with the best of intentions. Promise.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But she picked up at the 4th ring....and it was awkward as hell. I told her I just wanted to catch up a bit since I hadn't seen her, and to get coffee this weekd, she asked me if I had anything specific to tell her..then she said she would think about it.

 

[thefooloftheyear]

NC is tough...Mental torture...

 

I say if you absolutely have to break it, send a text or email...This way they cant read your emotions by the cadence in your voice. At the end of the day, though, its always better to just dont break it,

 

And dont assume she is mocking you for being weak and pathetic. It very well may be the opposite. While she might not be ready to get back with you, she might have appreciated the gesture and just cant do it to spare you both the awkwardness and disappointment.

 

Its no big deal. Brush yourself off and move along.

 

TFY

[fiftyofsomethin]

Well, at least I hope you can take a little solace in that she seemed like she genuinely wanted you do be happy.

 

She did tell you to stay strong, which is more than I can expect from my ex or many other people can expect from theirs.

 

So listen to her and "stay strong". If she wants you to do it, you can do it.

[targaryen]

Ironic that you say that. I found that 'stay strong' to be very condescending!! It's as if now she's seeing me as weak and I need encouragement. I really feel like telling her to sod off. She was always condescending

[targaryen]

Did you call her without a purpose other than getting a coffee? No, according to you, you had been rehearsing lines, writing emails, etc Apparently you had much to say.

 

What do you do? Basically "screw it up" when she asks if you had anything specific to say and no where in your post do I read you telling her something like "yes I do, and if we could it's an appropriate topic for a conversation over coffee. Would that be good with you? It shouldn't be more than 20 minutes, would you have 20 minutes tomorrow?"

 

In other words, she was asking you what your intentions were and instead of creating a little intrigue and reassuring her you would not run your mouth and emotions endlessly by proposing a time limit, the best you could come up with is to ask her for coffee on the weekend?

 

On the weekend? As soon as you proposed the "weekend" and just coffee it doesn't take a rocket scientist to interpret your words as "hey, let's go on a date and catch up"

 

Come'on targaryen I'm going to be hard on you here, real hard, if you're going to break NC (and forget about the wisdom of that for a second) be damn sure you have a purpose for breaking it, a method for communicating it, presenting some intrigue in your initial contact, and certainly have a time, place and limit that doesn't make it sound like a date.

 

Learn from this one...perhaps start with my signature line.

 

Hang in there...sorry for being hard on you, it's with the best of intentions. Promise.

 

Very good points, but what do I do now in this particular situation? Maybe in the future if I'm in this situation again with another girl (*shudder*) I'll remember this advice, but it's too late now. I called her and with a timourous proposed "catching up...over coffee or something...maybe this weekend"...and now she has the last word, via text, telling me we should leave it as it will make it harder to continue going. Do I reply to the text in some way?

[thefooloftheyear]

Do I reply to the text in some way?

 

Nope..

 

Did you hear that loud slam? That was the door my friend. Its time to move on and continue healing yourself.

 

I wish you well.

 

TFY

[Weathergirl]

I've been there, as other posters have said many of us have.

Don't be too hard on yourself, keep going.

These things happen so that we don't make the same mistakes again.

Stick with NC, you have nothing to lose, only gain.

[Weathergirl]

Sorry forgot to add, no, I wouldn't reply to the text...

[Am4Real]

Targaryen, do you really want to put yourself though this? I mean, the odds now are so long "against you" you are practically setting yourself up for failure.

 

Why?

 

Because you are not coming across strong and determined for starters; if you call her back now she will likely think you really are not sure of what you want and if you are, why didn't you say this the first time and so on...in other words her mind and her doubts will only be compounded.

 

I would let this and her go and move on. Who knows, she might contact you one day and if that should happen you can go from there.

 

I don't know her like you do but from what you've written, I think it's best to follow her wishes and not make this break up any harder on you both.

 

Learn from this relationship and make your next one twenty times better.

 

 

Do I reply to the text in some way?

[Minneloa]

Very good points, but what do I do now in this particular situation? Maybe in the future if I'm in this situation again with another girl (*shudder*) I'll remember this advice, but it's too late now. I called her and with a timourous proposed "catching up...over coffee or something...maybe this weekend"...and now she has the last word, via text, telling me we should leave it as it will make it harder to continue going. Do I reply to the text in some way?

 

No. What would be the point? As much as possible, try not to read her text as the "last word" in a power struggle. I don't know her, obviously, but from what you posted she seemed sad and like she was trying to do the right thing. If reconciliation isn't on the table, meeting each other would indeed set each of you back in your healing processes. Of course, this whole turn of events must be very painful for you. However, I agree with the posters who have said that this setback could be a blessing in disguise, if it gives you the motivation to return to NC with a renewed commitment to taking care of yourself and moving forward.

 

Sending good thoughts.

[targaryen]

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words and support. Just as well I checked this thread - I almost sent her a massive reply to the text via email. I am glad I did not. I'll post it in the thread instead.

 

Yesterday I didn't contact you because I did not manage to stay strong; I contacted you because I felt strong enough to do so at last. It was a choice I felt ready to make and I knew there was a high risk of you not being ready yet. Also I guess during the short conversation itself I fumbled a bit over my words, and it came out sounding like I was asking you out or that I still hoped you'd get back. In reality all I wanted was just to see how you are doing because I still care about your well being an

 

I didn't stop contacting you for 3 months out of spite. I did it to get over you by improving myself. Classic stuff. And it worked. I'm entirely a better person without you, and for that I'm grateful. Turns out what you told me during our last conversation in your car is true - there are lots of other people who see how amazing I can be. I guess you just chose not to be one of them, if your inexplicable Facebook disappearing act is anything to go by.

 

Getting back together is completely impossible in my mind just because you left me and the reason you did was the reason I should have left you. Regardless of how it ended, I don't want to deny the four years we spent together. To do so feels immature. For better of for worse, you still remain the person who knows me the most by virtue of those years, and I like to think I'm that person too. In short, I care for you more than I care to admit, and I always will. The only thing I'd consider would be a purely physical thing, but I long decided that it's better spending my energies elsewhere.

 

Either way, it's up to you. I know it's difficult because technically speaking our relationship has always been defined by romance/attraction, but I wanted to give you the option to at least stay in touch, and let you know that I'm just a phone call away

[Am4Real]

Ahhh...yes, good thing you did not sent it.

 

Honestly, it reads selfish, combative and that of someone who is trying to save face by telling the other person they hurt you first but eventually you would have hurt them.

 

It's okay to write it here we understand how you feel, but do not lower the great image you have of yourself by getting in a war of "having the last word".

 

 

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words and support. Just as well I checked this thread - I almost sent her a massive reply to the text via email. I am glad I did not. I'll post it in the thread instead.

 

Yesterday I didn't contact you because I did not manage to stay strong; I contacted you because I felt strong enough to do so at last. It was a choice I felt ready to make and I knew there was a high risk of you not being ready yet. Also I guess during the short conversation itself I fumbled a bit over my words, and it came out sounding like I was asking you out or that I still hoped you'd get back. In reality all I wanted was just to see how you are doing because I still care about your well being an

 

I didn't stop contacting you for 3 months out of spite. I did it to get over you by improving myself. Classic stuff. And it worked. I'm entirely a better person without you, and for that I'm grateful. Turns out what you told me during our last conversation in your car is true - there are lots of other people who see how amazing I can be. I guess you just chose not to be one of them, if your inexplicable Facebook disappearing act is anything to go by.

 

Getting back together is completely impossible in my mind just because you left me and the reason you did was the reason I should have left you. Regardless of how it ended, I don't want to deny the four years we spent together. To do so feels immature. For better of for worse, you still remain the person who knows me the most by virtue of those years, and I like to think I'm that person too. In short, I care for you more than I care to admit, and I always will. The only thing I'd consider would be a purely physical thing, but I long decided that it's better spending my energies elsewhere.

 

Either way, it's up to you. I know it's difficult because technically speaking our relationship has always been defined by romance/attraction, but I wanted to give you the option to at least stay in touch, and let you know that I'm just a phone call away

[Minneloa]

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words and support. Just as well I checked this thread - I almost sent her a massive reply to the text via email. I am glad I did not. I'll post it in the thread instead.

 

 

Yesterday I didn't contact you because I did not manage to stay strong; I contacted you because I felt strong enough to do so at last. It was a choice I felt ready to make and I knew there was a high risk of you not being ready yet. Also I guess during the short conversation itself I fumbled a bit over my words, and it came out sounding like I was asking you out or that I still hoped you'd get back. In reality all I wanted was just to see how you are doing because I still care about your well being an

 

I didn't stop contacting you for 3 months out of spite. I did it to get over you by improving myself. Classic stuff. And it worked. I'm entirely a better person without you, and for that I'm grateful. Turns out what you told me during our last conversation in your car is true - there are lots of other people who see how amazing I can be. I guess you just chose not to be one of them, if your inexplicable Facebook disappearing act is anything to go by.

 

Getting back together is completely impossible in my mind just because you left me and the reason you did was the reason I should have left you. Regardless of how it ended, I don't want to deny the four years we spent together. To do so feels immature. For better of for worse, you still remain the person who knows me the most by virtue of those years, and I like to think I'm that person too. In short, I care for you more than I care to admit, and I always will. The only thing I'd consider would be a purely physical thing, but I long decided that it's better spending my energies elsewhere.

 

Either way, it's up to you. I know it's difficult because technically speaking our relationship has always been defined by romance/attraction, but I wanted to give you the option to at least stay in touch, and let you know that I'm just a phone call away

 

I am glad that you were able to vent some of your anger and hurt by writing this email. That said, please do not send it under any circumstances. Rather than analyze the email, I'll just say: no good can come of sending it. Any further engagement with her at this point would be spinning your wheels. I mean this as kindly as possible, but it is time to move on without her.

 

Sorry that you are hurting.

[Minneloa]

Ahhh...yes, good thing you did not sent it.

 

Honestly, it reads selfish, combative and that of someone who is trying to save face by telling the other person they hurt you first but eventually you would have hurt them.

 

It's okay to write it here we understand how you feel, but do not lower the great image you have of yourself by getting in a war of "having the last word".

 

Totally agree, Am4Real.

 

Targaryen, this anger towards your ex could be very productive if you take it and use it to fuel your own forward momentum. Onward! As the Cee-Lo song says, Forget you!

[KS11]

What a massive regression. After all that work, effort and pain, I went and ruined it all. And now I have to start it all again. And this time it's worse, because at least before I broke NC I was kidding myself with the notion that I was making myself mysterious and thus more interesting to her. Now she just knows I'm weak, broken, pathetic and all she has is pity for me.

 

In the past week, this has been building up, in my own head, until it exploded. I was getting distracted from work and everything else, all I kept doing was rehearsing hypothetical conversions with her...writing emails and then deleting them or keeping them as draft...I was never quite able to call her either because I was afraid she woulnd't pick up. And then today happened. A bad day (started off with a funeral and then massive work load at the office, and a flat tire to cap it off)..

 

.I ended up dialing her on impulse while waiting to be picked up, Once that first ring I had this chilling feeling in the stomach, like it wasn't real..but if I hung up then she would still know, having it as a missed call and me having not changed my number. But she picked up at the 4th ring....and it was awkward as hell. I told her I just wanted to catch up a bit since I hadn't seen her, and to get coffee this weekd, she asked me if I had anything specific to tell her..then she said she would think about it. I hung up feeling deflated. Knowing that was a nice way to let someone down, I knew this was going to happen, why the crap did I end up calling anyway? Surpsingly she texted an hour later...saying 'we should leave that coffee. it will just make it harder to keep going. stay strong'. so that's it. i threw away 82 days of no contact for this.

 

People from my other thread will know that this was coming, I guess. While february (the month immediately after the breakup) was sad and stressful started I was so busy with work and commitments that I couldn't allow myself to think about it. March had its ups and down, but I was cruising along. And then April came, and I realised that this was real. I tried to protect myself by stopping checking her blog....it worked for a few days, then suddenly the urge to contact her was too strong...i checked her blog to deflect it but it didn't work...and this is how i ended up here...confused, more lost then ever, sad, lonely, depressed, and wanting to give up

 

 

 

Don't be too hard on yourself, everyone here knows how hard it is to keep going nc and how easy it is to break it.

 

Been fortunate that the coffee meet up didn't happen or you'd be in an even worse place. My ex decided to break nc after nearly 2 months, naturally I thought this must be she's changed her mind..we met up 4 times. Now we're back to nc and it feels like i've suffered the heartbreak all over again. Nice that someone can come back into your life and leave just as easily, without really caring what it does to the other person.

 

As someone else has said though, and I'm a big believer (rightly or wrongly), you shouldnt regret calling her. Yes it sucks now, but you had your reasons for doing it. I, for one, wont/don't regret the times i've broken nc in the past, i needed to feel content in myself knowing i had done and said everything I could to make my feelings none. I think its the people who don't, are the ones with the regrets...

[AKisBaked]

Good thing you didn't send that message. There is points were your mentioning that your moving on, but also telling her that you want to keep in touch.. I think if you DID send that, she will be more turned off by this. And if you ever decided to contact her again she will definitely not bother to respond to you at all. It's better to save yourself some pride, respect for yourself and just all the mental stress that you already have.

[Larry Walker]

I think maybe you should reply to her text. But stop being all serious. Chics love to laugh, send back something funny. I usually reply with this when a chic blows me off:

 

"From: Postmaster-

Subject: Re: undeliverable: "hi"

 

the following message was not delivered to the named recipient due to [unknown: contact sysadmin]"

[Larry Walker]

One more thing.. one time I texted an ex "come on... when are you going to let me tap that again"... She acted all offended and replied "never", but I did end up with her again believe it or not. Take the jerk approach, that's all this woman deserves.

[lilacwine]

Don't be too hard on yourself, everyone here knows how hard it is to keep going nc and how easy it is to break it.

 

Been fortunate that the coffee meet up didn't happen or you'd be in an even worse place. My ex decided to break nc after nearly 2 months, naturally I thought this must be she's changed her mind..we met up 4 times. Now we're back to nc and it feels like i've suffered the heartbreak all over again. Nice that someone can come back into your life and leave just as easily, without really caring what it does to the other person.

 

As someone else has said though, and I'm a big believer (rightly or wrongly), you shouldnt regret calling her. Yes it sucks now, but you had your reasons for doing it. I, for one, wont/don't regret the times i've broken nc in the past, i needed to feel content in myself knowing i had done and said everything I could to make my feelings none. I think its the people who don't, are the ones with the regrets...

 

Why did your ex want to meet you for? She wanted "Friendship"??? And how did you guys end up back to NC after those meetings? Who initiated NC this time?

[Am4Real]

Good one! Funny as well.

 

One more thing.. one time I texted an ex "come on... when are you going to let me tap that again"... She acted all offended and replied "never", but I did end up with her again believe it or not. Take the jerk approach, that's all this woman deserves.