Shindig Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 I've been with my SO for a little over 3 years. We've been to some couples counseling and I visit a therapist regularly. He doesn't have anyone to talk to except me. Rather, he chooses to talk only to me about his problems. It is exhausting playing therapist to him. For example, he's unemployed. We're fine financially with my income and his unemployment benefits. After days of sulking and moodiness, I really had to wrestle to get it out of him that unemployed makes him feel insecure. The second time I wrestled it out of him he offered that we don't need to talk about it ever again, even though it's clear to me that he's upset about something. He talks about 'dealing with it on his own' and that might be possible but doesn't like that I'm uncomfortable around him when something is clearly bothering him. I've offered that 'dealing with it on his own' isn't really producing the desired outcome, which is to get life back to normal. I love him, obviously, or I wouldn't be here asking for advice. I count myself lucky that the worst thing in our relationship is that he confides only in me, when I can get him to talk to me (and usually he does unless there's some shame involved. I blame his Catholic upbringing). It's flattering, but I need to be his SO, not his therapist. We've talked about why it's exhausting for me to pry whatever is bothering him out of him when he's in a mood. We've talked about him going to some CBT himself (he expresses himself beautifully when he does) but he says 'no' for a variety of reasons that I perceive to be excuses (it's a crutch, I couldn't trust them, etc.) rooted in his own preconceptions about therapy. I'll also acknowledge that perception certainly says something about me, particularly since his parents first mention of a relative in therapy was same in the same breath as the phrase "must be crazy if they need that". I realize in some ways that my expectations of him are unfair; the counter-productive coping mechanisms I learned early in life have been largely eliminated by decades of therapy and I've also developed tools for working through my problems. He hasn't had that advantage and he is definitely trying. Maybe I am just impatient. Perhaps my blunt approach (I am a terse, direct person) makes him uncomfortable. What would you do?
clia Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 If you don't want to be his therapist, then why are you forcing him to discuss his problems with you? I don't understand why you feel the need to pry and wrestle information out of him when he doesn't seem to want to talk about it. I get that you maybe find him irritating when he is sulky and moody, but that may well be his way of dealing with the problem. Has he acknowledged that he wants you to pry and wrestle things out of him and force him to talk about it? People have different ways of dealing with things, and your way may be different than his, but it doesn't necessarily make it right. Some people just don't like talking about their problems. (I've actually found that a lot of men don't like talking about their problems and would rather just work through it on their own.) Have you tried not forcing him to talk about things and just letting him resolve them on his own? I can't imagine being forced to discuss something that is bothering me when I would rather not do so. That seems really annoying.
Author Shindig Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 You're making good points and asking good questions. Usually me 'prying into' what's wrong comes up when he has a meltdown because I'm aloof. There's a lot of he-said/she-said about who was acting weird first. It's plausible that eliminating my discomfort at his condition could solve the problem - that he might be able to 'pull out of it' if I can be his sunshine, but it isn't reasonable for him to sulk and be snippy with me and expect me to act like nothing it wrong. Assuming time is all he needs, we've discussed he's allowed to say so, but he chooses not to and gets even more agitated when I choose not to spend time with him. I think what you're getting at (correct me if I'm wrong) is that I can't control him and shouldn't try. I agree, I'm not into BDSM
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