ninji15 Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 So sorry, here is the long back story. My boyfriend and I started dating junior/senior year of high school. We are both very different in the regard that we were both each others first everything. First love, first serious relationship, we gave each other our virginity. We were inseparable and perfect together! I never thought of another man and he never thought of another woman. Not even to this day. We moved in together after our senior summer and I was sure he was my first and last. He just lacked motivation. He never cleaned, he can't drive, but finally got a job after mine as a waitress didn't cut it. He had told me that he was going to become a Physicist. He was going to college with a full ride and didn't do too well but always stuck with it. He failed some classes and lost financial aid. I tried to help him but he didn't ever want to try in his "boring classes". He then changed to a pharm tech certificate. We paid out of pocket for him, the only college help I ever got was loans. Loans we used to live and he told me he could help me with later. Meanwhile I had college, driving, cleaning, an unpaid internship (only for one semester) and work all the time. Its not like he brought nothing to the table.He grew up where he did nothing every day and that was all that was expected. After a year living together it started going down hill. I needed more help. I needed him to try more. I came home every night to a wreck and he would just be watching tv or on the computer. He got new buddies he would go out before ever helping me. Going out is fine, but why not help someone you value "more" first? We fought here and there. He did improve some but not enough. Everything was half done. I would get disappointed and sad. I almost dreaded coming home. I loved him and wanted to spend time with him. Not picking up his slack because I couldn't anymore. Eventually it got so bad he told me he was leaving me or I had to leave because I wasn't happy and he was miserable. He had a roommate (one of his buddies with equally no ambition if not worse) that he was going to move in with and everything. He chose that roommate (a guy) over me completely. That destroyed me. I have done so much for us. I thought he would want to try to fix it. I chose to leave so that I could try to save our relationship and give it some space and the roommate could move in. I didn't have time to move out completely anyway. I am in the middle of my semester! I went to my parents for a while. I got therapy, and I was a MESS. I love him with all my heart, but I cant make him do anything. I missed him every day. I still do. I was/ am seriously depressed and have no self esteem. I eventually started getting better. And then he dropped out of classes with 3 weeks to go! ONLY 3 WEEKS! He would have a certificate and his financial aid back after we were paying out of pocket for his classes while I had loans. He basically told me to shut up and accept it. I know what he is capable of, I know he can do it. He IS very smart. But he quit, and expected me to act like it would never affect me. I was livid. I want a partner, I want a family someday. I wanted him! He told me he would love the same. But all he had done was show me he wasn't ready. I have 4 years invested in us. 4 years of memories with him. So I told him if he cant get his life together or at least start to by August I couldn't handle any more taking care of him. He just broke up with me then and there. Like I was nothing. I gave complete commitment to us. I gave up a better life for me for us. He was my only love. He wouldn't try even for himself. He feels attacked when I expect better. No one in his life has ever expected anything out of him. He said he will never be what I want and he isn't even going to attempt it. He just shuts down and runs away. I was apparently not worth it. He was upset over his decision but he thinks he is in the right. I have all my stuff still at the apartment where we live. I don't even have a home anymore. He wont talk to me at all. After what we had.. I didn't think anything I did was THAT terrible. He was the last person I expected this from. I didn't want to break up like this. I didn't want to break up at all. I want to fix it and grow together. But I needed to know where I stood then. All he has done since is go out and drink. He doesn't chase, once he is done he is DONE. I feel like I won't ever get another chance. I don't feel like I can go on without him. I am lonely and sad and miserable. I care about him and I am worried. I want him back, but I know he needs to grow up. Advice?
xpaperxcutx Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 I want to address several issues and point certain important aspects of your relationship. For one, I would like to emphasis how much time and dedication you have invested into the 4-years you have been with him. You have been his shoulder and support for that time- emotionally, physically and financially, that ultimately, it's a waste. For your age, your youth and time are your commodities, and to think you would want to spend another minute or hour or even extra year on him would be both stupid and reckless. Yes, you are hurt and you're welcome to that hurt, so that eventually with time and improvements in your own self-esteem, you can climb out of your rut and live happier without him. It's safe to say, you cannot change him, even for the better, just because you feel it's in his best interest. He does not appreciate your " help" and neither is he grateful that you are there to support him. So then, why are you trying to a fix a broken horse who does want to be fixed? It's certainly impossible to mold someone into someone different, and it's even worse if you feel you have to change him to fit your needs. You need to sever ties with him. Avoid any more contact with him because he will never be the right person for you. You can grieve and moan that you did so much for him, but ultimately in the end, you should be your own priority, not him. If he does not care about his own future, that's his fault, and he will find that years down the road, working at a MacDonalds will be his biggest regret. You, on the other hand, have goals to accomplish and need to focus on those goals so you can be the person you always wanted to be.
FailedFirstLove Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 I really feel what you are feeling. Similar situation. I try to do everything for US. And all he thinks of is him. Even now after its over I keep thinking ill find a job as soon as I graduate and ill move out do maybe e will want to come. But his like living his life like he doesn't care. He told me he wasnt sure if he will or not yet. But everything leans towards he WIL. Until he decides he can ignore me whenever he wants to. And do whatever because we're Not officially together. I'm like you where I feel like I can't move on. How long can we possibly wait till they mature and finally grow up?
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