russellfitch1980 Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Hey everyone, I've been with my girlfriend for about 8 months now and we love each other. We say it everyday and night before we go to bed, whenever we see each other, we really are truly in love. She tells me I'm the only one for her and makes it clear that she only wants to be with me. I'm 23 and she is 21. One small problem that I have noticed the last month or so is that she has been really talkative to this male friend of hers. She has known him for about 7 or 8 months, they met a little after we started dating in a class at our college. They have a few classes together this semester so they hang out regularly at school during breaks and study together with a group of friends. I have never been really insecure about our relationship and have never had any trust issues. Last weekend we went out of town to North Carolina to help her cousins move into their house. One of her male friends (the one I was talking about above) also went out of town to Florida for about a week and a half. She was sitting next to me texting him in the car, and I glanced over and saw that he wrote I miss you, and replied back I miss you. Then he said well you will see me at school this week and she said back I know Can a girl say this to a male friend without meaning it in a flirting way if she is in a relationship? I don't really want to confront her until I have some others opinions. I have said that a few times to a few of my female friends that I have known for years ever since I was like 8. I only say it if I haven't seen them in a few weeks or months, and I say hey "name" I miss you lets catch up and grab lunch sometime. What does everyone think? Thanks!
pbjbear Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Ehhhhh I dont tell my male friends I miss them but perhaps everyone is different. However, if you say you tell your female friends that then dont get all worked up over it. Its not cool to do that and then get mad if your girl does it. 1
LovelyLife Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Can a girl say this to a male friend without meaning it in a flirting way if she is in a relationship? I don't really want to confront her until I have some others opinions. Yes - we can. I reserve that though for male friends I've known for 35 to 22 years. Specifically three men I grew up with and have remained friends with since Kindergarten (I'm now actually better friends with their wives! ) and my best male friend from University. My husband has no issue with that - but he's sort of been adopted by my hometown crew and he and my best male friend from University are in some wierd let's gang up on LovelyLife bromance! Tell her 'when you do this - I feel this. Can you help me out here?' Non threatening - but if you love each other - you need honest and open communication. You have anxiety and that's not good.
PogoStick Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 It sounds suspect. She may not have crossed the line but it seems headed in that direction. She might cheat, or she might just keep him hooked so she has a backup for when you guys are over. Women (especially younger) like having a puppy to feel validated.
pbjbear Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 I have said that a few times to a few of my female friends that I have known for years ever since I was like 8. I only say it if I haven't seen them in a few weeks or months, and I say hey "name" I miss you lets catch up and grab lunch sometime. What does everyone think? Thanks! Have you ever thought this is what she means about her male friends? Why is it when YOU do it it means nothing and when she does it to her male friends she cannot be trusted? Do you enjoy not holding yourself to the same standards you expect of the women you date?
Divasu Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 She was sitting next to me texting him in the car, and I glanced over and saw that he wrote I miss you, and replied back I miss you. Then he said well you will see me at school this week and she said back I know Can a girl say this to a male friend without meaning it in a flirting way if she is in a relationship? I don't really want to confront her until I have some others opinions.Yes. I've said it a couple times to one male friend in particular, who I genuinely missed but never had romantic interest in, we never dated, completely platonic.
GoodOnPaper Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 There's probably some attraction between your gf and this male friend. You guys are just at that age where many people -- especially girls since their dating pool is wider -- want to explore options. In college, I had a 2-year LTR similar to yours. We were talking engagement, the whole 9 yards. Then out of blue she dumps me because I was the first guy she ever dated. Naturally, she had met someone else. But in retrospect, I realized that she had been getting friendlier with certain guys for awhile before we broke up. Be careful if you do confront her -- coming off as jealous pretty much puts you in a lose/lose situation. But at the same time, don't let her tie your hands -- maybe you have some female "friends" you want to stay in a little closer touch with, too.
Art_Critic Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 You are going to get posters that say yes and some that say no... I think this bit emulates true life more than not and is the rule When Harry Met Sally has some true life meaning in those comedy words.. They are so true... Harry: You realize of course that we could never be friends. Sally: Why not? Harry: What I'm saying is — and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form — is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved. Harry: No you don't. Sally:Yes I do. Harry: No you don't. Sally: Yes I do. Harry: You only think you do. Sally: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge? Harry: No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you. Sally: They do not. Harry: Do too. Sally: They do not. Harry: Do too. Sally: How do you know? Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her. Sally: So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive? Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail 'em too. Sally: What if they don't want to have sex with you? Harry: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. Sally: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then. Harry: Guess not. Sally: That's too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York. 2
GoodOnPaper Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 When Harry Met Sally has some true life meaning in those comedy words.. They are so true... So the OP should just let it lie . . . ? 1
Divasu Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 No. The guy will always be willing to sleep with her at the drop of a hat. That may be true, but women don't need nor want to have sex with every male that they encounter. 1
pbjbear Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 (edited) There's probably some attraction between your gf and this male friend. You guys are just at that age where many people -- especially girls since their dating pool is wider -- want to explore options. In college, I had a 2-year LTR similar to yours. We were talking engagement, the whole 9 yards. Then out of blue she dumps me because I was the first guy she ever dated. Naturally, she had met someone else. But in retrospect, I realized that she had been getting friendlier with certain guys for awhile before we broke up. Be careful if you do confront her -- coming off as jealous pretty much puts you in a lose/lose situation. But at the same time, don't let her tie your hands -- maybe you have some female "friends" you want to stay in a little closer touch with, too. Well, I guess HE is attracted to his female friends that he tells he misses them too. He is around the same age where the dating pool is wider too. Why is everyone ignoring the fact that he said he does the same thing to his female friends? Why is it okay for him to do it but not for his girlfriend??? Really? Then you all wonder why I say men are selfish? Id say its much worse for a guy to tell a female friend he misses her than vice versa because men on this site insist all men want to sleep with their female friends but thats not the case the opposite way around. Edited April 24, 2013 by pbjbear
grkBoy Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Sounds fishy. The most I do with female friends is playful flirting designed to make them feel good when they're down. Something friends would do...not potential lovers. I don't blur lines between females I am friends with and females I am dating. I would tell you to meet the guy, maybe be his friend as well.
Author russellfitch1980 Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 The 2 female friends I have said it to I have known since I was 8. We are close family friends as well, I have never said that to another female aside from those 2. Like I stated above, I said it when I haven't seen them in weeks or months, she has only known him for a half of year and said it after a week of not seeing him...I was asking for female opinions. I'm just wondering. I know my boundaries with female friends, but I'm afraid she might not...she does seem to flirt with him from time to time and pretty much acts differently whenever I'm around with him and her. She has told me though that they are good friends and she does mention me a lot when she talks to him and she said he's not that type of guy to come on to a girl in a relationship. Maybe I should just keep trusting her and not think about it.
xpaperxcutx Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 (edited) Women and men can both say yes if both parties are in respectful relationships and know where to draw the boundaries of a platonic and romantic relationship. Let's just say your girlfriend is friendly with her guy friends but that could also come of a deeper connection that may have developed over time, preferably years. If I had a very close guy, it's only because he's gay and we have been friends since childhood. Sad to say, but there will always be sexual attraction between genders. Some people don't act on this attraction because they are held back by certain beliefs and also because they value the relationship over the what-ifs. I would be wary of your girlfriend's behavior if you are unclear of the type of person she is. A person's personality and actions are always a deciding factor on whether they are capable of straying or worse yet, cheating. Edited April 24, 2013 by xpaperxcutx
GoodOnPaper Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Well, I guess HE is attracted to his female friends that he tells he misses them too. He is around the same age where the dating pool is wider too. I took what he said to mean that he would feel comfortable saying that only to lifelong female friends. The gf's male friend is relatively new on the scene and clearly interested in something more. In your early 20's, the average woman will have a lot more dating options than the average guy -- unless a lot of young guys are now going for older women. 1
Divasu Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 I understand that. But as long as you understand that guys aren't like that. In fact, most men become friends with women because at some point along the way they slipped up/didn't make a move or are hoping if they somehow hang around enough they'll get lucky. Now I'm not saying it can't progress to a natural friendship, but it always starts off as "I'd totally have sex with her" on the guys end. Point taken. But if a guy and a girl aren't having sex, their relationship remains platonic. I'm not really trying to debate the semantics of what constitutes a friendship between a man and a woman, I am simply saying that just because a woman tells a male friend she misses him, it does not mean she wants to have sex with him. You're saying, that if a man tells a female friend, that he misses her, it's because he wants to have SEX with her. Glad we cleared that up.
Art_Critic Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 So the OP should just let it lie . . . ? It's flirting, the friend of the OP's GF wants to bang her.. the GF doesn't want that she has him FZ'd.. The final call is the OP's.. if he feels like it's a competition then he needs to correct the situation, if he feels the situation won't go that far as she doesn't want him then he should do nothing and pay attention to how much he continues to try to wiggle in and if she allows him to wiggle in then step in. 1
Art_Critic Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 I understand that. But as long as you understand that guys aren't like that. In fact, most men become friends with women because at some point along the way they slipped up/didn't make a move or are hoping if they somehow hang around enough they'll get lucky. Now I'm not saying it can't progress to a natural friendship, but it always starts off as "I'd totally have sex with her" on the guys end. I agree... and would add that even in the end he would say "I'd STILL totally have sex with her"... 2
GoodOnPaper Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 It's flirting, the friend of the OP's GF wants to bang her.. the GF doesn't want that she has him FZ'd.. The final call is the OP's.. if he feels like it's a competition then he needs to correct the situation, if he feels the situation won't go that far as she doesn't want him then he should do nothing and pay attention to how much he continues to try to wiggle in and if she allows him to wiggle in then step in. I was just playing off another When Harry Met Sally quote . . . If the OP does confront his gf, we can say, "You see what he did? He didn't let it lie . . ." 1
Jefezen Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 (edited) Why is it when YOU do it it means nothing and when she does it to her male friends she cannot be trusted?He knows his own motivations. He controls his own conduct. He does not know his girlfriend's motivations. He cannot control his girlfriend's conduct (at least not completely). People have varying degrees of loyalty. His position would be hypocritical if he criticized his girlfriend for doing exactly as he does, but I don't think he's doing that here, he's merely expressing concern over the uncertainty of his girlfriend's relationship with the other man. In my experience, when our intuition tells us that something is suspect, it usually is; confront her very gently if the pattern continues. As to the broader question of whether men and women can be platonic friends, I offer an emphatic yes, and I say that as a man. Many of my best friends are women. I love spending time with them. I'll admit that there can be awkward tension on occasion, particularly when the woman flirts a little too much, or suggests possible amorous intentions, but overall it does not ruin the friendship. I'll also concede that when I'm attracted to a woman, I befriend her because I'm hoping for romance to eventually blossom. I think the success of a male-female friendship depends largely on whether there exists a physical attraction in one or both directions. Although even in instances where I was initially drawn to someone out of the hope of making her my girlfriend, I've accepted over time the nature of our friendship and respected it, without crossing or attempting to cross any boundaries. Sometimes it feels good just to have an attractive companion of the opposite sex, even if there's nothing else to it. For the timid among us, possible side benefits include meeting her friends and getting practice with socializing in general. Friendship can also help eliminate our idealized visions of a person we may have inappropriately elevated to Venus-status. Edited April 24, 2013 by Jefezen
Divasu Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 You're twisting my words. The point stands that if you asked him to come over and give it to you, he would be there in minutes. Are not! You're veering off the original question: Can a girl say this to a male friend without meaning it in a flirting way if she is in a relationship? I don't really want to confront her until I have some others opinions.We're not talking about what the MAN would do, we're talking about the motives of his girlfriend when she said "I miss you". And I said, that her saying "I miss you" doesn't necessarily imply that she wants to go over to his house and "give it to him". Her friend's motives may be different, and perhaps that is what the OP suspects and is fearful of. 1
pbjbear Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 (edited) As to the broader question of whether men and women can be platonic friends, I offer an emphatic yes, and I say that as a man. Many of my best friends are women. I love spending time with them. I'll admit that there can be awkward tension on occasion, particularly when the woman flirts a little too much, or suggests possible amorous intentions, but overall it does not ruin the friendship. I'll also concede that when I'm attracted to a woman, I befriend her because I'm hoping for romance to eventually blossom. Im going to get bashed to hell and back for saying this: but this is why I feel most of the time, it is worse for a male friend to be friendly with a female friend that vice versa. Most females do not do what you said (that I bolded). Most guys seek out girls to befriend that they are attracted to and many men on this site say that, so its not just you. So its much worse when a guy shows inappropriate behavior (although there are women that are bad too...) Most guys would gladly screw their female friends, alot of females dont feel that way with their guy friends. So in terms of inappropriate behavior, I think its more of a bad sign when men do it towards their female friends. I know when I seek out a male to be friends with, hes not someone I want to date necessarily (I have dated a few friends but I never wanted to date initially). Its more because I value other qualities they have. I know my female friends are the same way.Men dont seem to take this approach. Edited April 24, 2013 by pbjbear
sillyanswer Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Yes. Guys and girls really can be just friends. I read it on here, every week for the last ever, so it must be true. Glad I could help!
Divasu Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 You are cute as a button you know that? And yes, I agree with you. Her motives are more than likely pure. His motives involve getting horizontal. Thank you, you're very kind! OP, if your girlfriend loves you and is a respectful human being, you most likely have nothing to worry about. You can tell her it upsets you in a way that is non-accusatory, or you can disregard it all together. Also realize, that if you're going to communicate similarly with your female friends, it would be unfair of you to expect other people to behave a certain way that you yourself do not abide by. If you want her to trust that your friendships with females are strictly platonic, but not do the same, that most likely is going to create conflict. 1
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