TheKing007 Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Alright, I know this sounds stupid and I use to think falling in love online was bullsh*t but I managed to fall in love with a woman online. Wondering what the problem is eh? She has a bf. The second problem, she lives overseas so we've never met. I know she's real so there is no point discussing her authenticity. We starting talking on a forum at random and just fell for one another. We've been talking for 6 months now. We still chat/talk on a regular basis but sometimes she gives me the hot and cold treatment. I just don't get it. Maybe someone might have some idea why women do that?? I don't think it's a good idea for me to ask her why, or is it? I'm in my mid 20's. I have had gf's, real ones in my own city etc. But I have never met anyone like her in my life. I'm planning to fly down to her city to meet her before Christmas. The issues: She said she wants to break up with her bf but hasn't done so as she's scared to hurt him and secondly, she has some financial difficulties. I feel there are other things too but it's not my business to ask. It might be the fact that she has never met me so I could just be bullsh*ting her but I'm not, I love her. Advice on this whole thing would be appreciated.
CarrieT Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Alright, I know this sounds stupid and I use to think falling in love online was bullsh*t but I managed to fall in love with a woman online. Wondering what the problem is eh? She has a bf. The BF is only half the problem. The other problem is that you have never met this woman and your "love" is completely imaginary... You are in love with what you have created in your mind that this woman is - but you DO NOT KNOW. She could be a middle-aged, fat man. Falling in love with someone's words over the internet is a fantasy. I know - I have done it. The person you have created in your mind really does not exist and never will. As soon as you meet her (if you ever meet her), you will realize this and all the realities will come crashing down. She won't smell like you think she will smell. She will have small foibles that will make her human and less desirable. You are in love with an ideal. Walk away from the computer and meet someone available who you can actually meet in person. 2
Author TheKing007 Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 (edited) The BF is only half the problem. The other problem is that you have never met this woman and your "love" is completely imaginary... You are in love with what you have created in your mind that this woman is - but you DO NOT KNOW. She could be a middle-aged, fat man. Falling in love with someone's words over the internet is a fantasy. I know - I have done it. The person you have created in your mind really does not exist and never will. As soon as you meet her (if you ever meet her), you will realize this and all the realities will come crashing down. She won't smell like you think she will smell. She will have small foibles that will make her human and less desirable. You are in love with an ideal. Walk away from the computer and meet someone available who you can actually meet in person. I think I mentioned there is no point questioning her authencity. I've seen her on webcam so she can't be a 'middle-aged, fat man'. She's told me a lot about her past, negative stuff but I still love her. She's got some minor health problems which she's been honest about too. I love her for her personality, not her looks. I can meet women in my own country and have but there's been no one with her personality till date, it's why I've fallen in love. Edited April 24, 2013 by TheKing007
CarrieT Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 I think I mentioned there is no point questioning her authencity. I've seen her on webcam so she can't be a 'middle-aged, fat man'. Okay, so you have verified that she is a real person. Believe me, my friend - I have done exactly what you have done - I fell in love with someone online. I can assure, 100%, that once you two are in each others' presence, the dynamic will change and the person you believe you are in love with will be different. It will not be the same person you are in love with right now because your mind is filling in the blanks where physical contact has been absence. So, that coupled with the fact that she is not single and able to meet you should be enough. Why continue with her when she can't or won't commit to meeting you and is still involved with someone else? You "feel" she has other issues but it is not your business to ask? That means there is so much more there she is hiding from you. Red flag, red flag, red flag.... If she can't or won't meet you, walk away.
Author TheKing007 Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 Okay, so you have verified that she is a real person. Believe me, my friend - I have done exactly what you have done - I fell in love with someone online. I can assure, 100%, that once you two are in each others' presence, the dynamic will change and the person you believe you are in love with will be different. It will not be the same person you are in love with right now because your mind is filling in the blanks where physical contact has been absence. So, that coupled with the fact that she is not single and able to meet you should be enough. Why continue with her when she can't or won't commit to meeting you and is still involved with someone else? You "feel" she has other issues but it is not your business to ask? That means there is so much more there she is hiding from you. Red flag, red flag, red flag.... If she can't or won't meet you, walk away. If you've fallen in love online then you must know the feeling. It's hard for me to say Goodbye. I just can't get her out of my head. Well, a friend of mine met his gf online and he's now dating her, intending on marrying her soon. They were in the same country though so they met up in 2 months. He said the same thing, it will be different when you meet in person but if you've been honest with one another then it should all go fine. She wants to meet me, and intends to once she breaks up with her bf & sorts out her financial issues. I can't wait for all that. I am intending to fly there to meet her before Christmas so any doubts that she has about me and me about her will be cleared and then she can make up her mind as to what she really wants. Trust me, she's told me a hell of a lot about herself. Things that she was scared to tell me because I would walk away. It's what I like about her, the honesty. The thing that pisses me off is the hot and cold treatment, one minute she's loving and wants attention and the other minute, she reduces communication for a while.. Any advice on this bit?
AMusing Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 For starters, I completely agree with CarrieT (as usual... her posts are typically quite insightful, you'd do well to listen to her). But let's entertain the idea that you really love her, and if you were to meet, your feelings for her wouldn't change: 1) Has she expressed any feelings for you? From what you've written, she may just consider you a friend, a modern-day "penpal." If she does have any feelings for you, they're complicated at best (hence acting hot and cold). 2) Most obviously: she still has a boyfriend! She may say she wants to break up with him, but she hasn't--for six months? That's an awfully long time to stay with someone just because she's afraid of hurting him. She doesn't want to let him go, and don't pretend it's just for his sake. 3) Regardless of how she feels towards her boyfriend, if she does indeed have romantic feelings for you, she's essentially been having a 6-month-long emotional affair with you. Talk about hurting the guy's feelings! That doesn't speak very well to her character, does it? How would you trust her not to do the same to you? 4) Ok, let's pretend she dumps her boyfriend, admits she loves you too, and wants a relationship with you. Is there any way you could actually live near each other within the next year? Right now you two aren't just long distance, you aren't even in the same country! Realistically, a relationship like that will likely fail. Couples who have been together for years struggle to handle that kind of distance, even in cases where they know they'll be back together after a set time apart. Basically, there's nothing about your post that bodes well. For your own sake, focus on finding a local girl. 1
Jefezen Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 King, I've been through what you're dealing with before. The woman in question wasn't in another country, but on the west coast of the United States. I'm on the east coast. I was completely and utterly infatuated with her. We'd talk for hours on the phone. We'd text back and forth. We'd communicate with each other via webcam. It was almost as though we were together on a daily basis despite being 3,000 miles apart. When we finally met in person, the awkwardness was a 25 on a scale of 1-10. Both of us felt tremendous pressure to impress the other because expectations were so high. The encounter was such a disaster that she ended it after 15 minutes. Despite not feeling much chemistry either, I persevered in pursuing her because I felt like I had invested too much time, money (the travel costs), and emotional energy to just abandon everything after one meeting. I still thought I was in love. I figured it was just a matter of getting comfortable and needing more time to get to know one another in this new context. I thought I would never get over her. My depression reached tremendous depths. I could barely function. She was like a drug to me. I at least needed to read a text message from her in order to get through the day. We continued on as online pals, albeit never as close as we had been prior to meeting in person. At my coaxing, we met up a few more times over the years that followed, and the encounters went better, but there was still very little in the way of romantic chemistry. What we both eventually realized is that we were two emotionally needy individuals desperate for love and companionship who clung to each other because we had no one else. We understood each other because we had the same unrealized desires. That, moreso than anything else, created the facade of love. After several months of minimal contact, and as another woman came into real life, the prior fantasy (which didn't feel like a fantasy at the time) faded. I lost interest in this woman. I completely got over her, which was something I never expected. We continue to talk, but now it's with the comfort of knowing that whatever it was we thought we had before never truly existed. It's just a long distance friendship now. I expect you will find yourself in a similar situation whether it's weeks from now, months, or years. It won't feel that way now, but there will come a time when you'll look back at this and laugh it off. 3
Author TheKing007 Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 For starters, I completely agree with CarrieT (as usual... her posts are typically quite insightful, you'd do well to listen to her). But let's entertain the idea that you really love her, and if you were to meet, your feelings for her wouldn't change: 1) Has she expressed any feelings for you? From what you've written, she may just consider you a friend, a modern-day "penpal." If she does have any feelings for you, they're complicated at best (hence acting hot and cold). 2) Most obviously: she still has a boyfriend! She may say she wants to break up with him, but she hasn't--for six months? That's an awfully long time to stay with someone just because she's afraid of hurting him. She doesn't want to let him go, and don't pretend it's just for his sake. 3) Regardless of how she feels towards her boyfriend, if she does indeed have romantic feelings for you, she's essentially been having a 6-month-long emotional affair with you. Talk about hurting the guy's feelings! That doesn't speak very well to her character, does it? How would you trust her not to do the same to you? 4) Ok, let's pretend she dumps her boyfriend, admits she loves you too, and wants a relationship with you. Is there any way you could actually live near each other within the next year? Right now you two aren't just long distance, you aren't even in the same country! Realistically, a relationship like that will likely fail. Couples who have been together for years struggle to handle that kind of distance, even in cases where they know they'll be back together after a set time apart. Basically, there's nothing about your post that bodes well. For your own sake, focus on finding a local girl. I agree, CarrieT has been helpful and I understand the points she makes. 1. Yes, she has told me she's in love with me. We confessed how we felt for one another at the same time. What do you mean by her feelings are complicated? Can you elaborate on this? 2. Well, after 3 months of chatting, we both confessed, so we've been in love for 3 months. Well, apart from hurting him, she has financial problems. I know there must be other things involved but I can't ask her, can I? It's her personal life. What I do know is that she's been working like crazy to earn enough to move on. 3. I know, beleive me, I have thought about this. I know the same can happen to me. I guess that's just a risk I'm willing to take (stupid I know). 4. She intends to move to my country upon starting a relationship with me. She has told me that too. I have dated local girls but they can't replace what I feel for this girl. It's why I'm hell bent on meeting her.
Jbum5 Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Let's get this straight in your head once and for all: you do not love this woman because you have never met her in your life. You love that you have online companionship, you love the figment of your imagination that you've made her out to be, but the bigger picture still alludes you - she's taken. You are a lovesick fool who won't get far; stop this madness now.
Noproblem Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Hey, what they are saying is true I met many people I knew online in real life, no I didn't love them to bgin with, they were just friends in my college and other places and we decided to meat, it sooooooooooo different from online....Everything is different, and it's always awkward if first meeting, guess that part is normal Sometime the boring character you see online is the fun on in reality, sometimes it's vice versa You never know until you meet, maybe she is the one for you, maybe she is not, but you have is not real love, it's attachment. But for the record, I know many people who met online, loved each other online, then met in reality and also get married and they are together now ...You just never know Don't let us deny you a chance of true love of a total shock or maybe just meeting a good friend ....If you can go overseas, go for it. What concerns me however is the fact that she is from another country, a far one, even if you two became lovers, the barriers and cultural differences will still be there.. and I don't think she'll leave her country and friends to come with you, right? 1
AMusing Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 1. Yes, she has told me she's in love with me. We confessed how we felt for one another at the same time. What do you mean by her feelings are complicated? Can you elaborate on this? You say she blows hot & cold, and you aren't sure why. She loves you, but she has this boyfriend in her "real life" that--for whatever reason--she hasn't let go of yet. She wants to meet you--which would involve flying overseas, yes?--but she has such financial trouble that she's staying in a broken relationship for the sake of money? And it sounds like she has parts to her life that she's kept hidden from you, even if she has been open about other skeletons. It's complicated sounding, from an outsider's perspective. 2. Well, after 3 months of chatting, we both confessed, so we've been in love for 3 months. Well, apart from hurting him, she has financial problems. I know there must be other things involved but I can't ask her, can I? It's her personal life. What I do know is that she's been working like crazy to earn enough to move on. Yes, I think if you two actually love each other you, have every right to know why she hasn't broken up with her boyfriend. Asking about that would be the first thing out of my mouth, after she confessed her feelings, if I were you. 4. She intends to move to my country upon starting a relationship with me. She has told me that too. So... will she be able to work in your country? If not, can you support her? Has she started looking for a job where you live? How old are you two? Have you guys really figured out the logistics?
clia Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 You should think long and hard about getting involved with this woman given the circumstances. She is apparently using her boyfriend for financial reasons while she expresses her love to you. What do you think about that? Is that the sign of a good person? If she had any class, she would end things with him if she is so in love with you. (She has no friends or family who can help her out?) Also, why was she trolling online for a new guy when she already had a boyfriend? She's been cheating on him for six months! What's to say she won't do the same to you when and if you two get together? Also...I think it is only a matter of time until she asks you for help with her financial problems. Don't give her any money. Honestly, the entire thing reeks of a scam. She's already planted the seeds for her financial problems and told you (a stranger!) that she will move to your country, thus reeling you in even more. Has she ever even been to your country? That seems like a pretty bold statement.
Treasa Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 This woman sounds like a winner. If your definition of the word "winner" is someone who lies to and cheats on someone else, relies on them financially, plans on using another guy for the same reason, and happens to be a complete coward. You can't control what she does, but you can control what you do. If you go into this and things don't work out (they won't), it's your fault and no one else's.
Author TheKing007 Posted April 25, 2013 Author Posted April 25, 2013 King, I've been through what you're dealing with before. The woman in question wasn't in another country, but on the west coast of the United States. I'm on the east coast. I was completely and utterly infatuated with her. We'd talk for hours on the phone. We'd text back and forth. We'd communicate with each other via webcam. It was almost as though we were together on a daily basis despite being 3,000 miles apart. When we finally met in person, the awkwardness was a 25 on a scale of 1-10. Both of us felt tremendous pressure to impress the other because expectations were so high. The encounter was such a disaster that she ended it after 15 minutes. Despite not feeling much chemistry either, I persevered in pursuing her because I felt like I had invested too much time, money (the travel costs), and emotional energy to just abandon everything after one meeting. I still thought I was in love. I figured it was just a matter of getting comfortable and needing more time to get to know one another in this new context. I thought I would never get over her. My depression reached tremendous depths. I could barely function. She was like a drug to me. I at least needed to read a text message from her in order to get through the day. We continued on as online pals, albeit never as close as we had been prior to meeting in person. At my coaxing, we met up a few more times over the years that followed, and the encounters went better, but there was still very little in the way of romantic chemistry. What we both eventually realized is that we were two emotionally needy individuals desperate for love and companionship who clung to each other because we had no one else. We understood each other because we had the same unrealized desires. That, moreso than anything else, created the facade of love. After several months of minimal contact, and as another woman came into real life, the prior fantasy (which didn't feel like a fantasy at the time) faded. I lost interest in this woman. I completely got over her, which was something I never expected. We continue to talk, but now it's with the comfort of knowing that whatever it was we thought we had before never truly existed. It's just a long distance friendship now. I expect you will find yourself in a similar situation whether it's weeks from now, months, or years. It won't feel that way now, but there will come a time when you'll look back at this and laugh it off. Before I make any comments, I just want to say thank you, I think this has been the most helpful reply so far. There are many things you said that I can relate to. You've given me a new outlook on this. But there are some differences, i.e. I don't talk to her on the phone for hours or chat on messenger. We properly talk/chat once in a week or so. We usually email one another around once a day and chat sometimes. I've limited contact because I want it to be a little refreshing when I meet her. I have met women here, but I don't feel anything for them. I guess I am quite attached to her. I want to meet her once, just so I know it's real or not. After that, 3 things will happen, she'll break up with her bf & come with me, I'll stop talking to her completely or I'll be an online pal. I have mentioned to her though that I don't think I can be her friend. Either I'll look back at this one day and laugh or maybe she will be the one I will be with. Time will tell. Thanks for your reply once again.
Author TheKing007 Posted April 25, 2013 Author Posted April 25, 2013 Let's get this straight in your head once and for all: you do not love this woman because you have never met her in your life. You love that you have online companionship, you love the figment of your imagination that you've made her out to be, but the bigger picture still alludes you - she's taken. You are a lovesick fool who won't get far; stop this madness now. I've had gf's in the past, I know the difference between love, like and infactuation. 'You love the figment of your imagination that you've made her out to be' - Trust me, some of the stuff she's told me would make other guys walk away. If she was "perfect" then I would agree with you, that it's my imagination etc. But she's not perfect. She has downsides too but I still love her despite that. I know she's taken, she's with someone she's not in love with. If she wants me then she'll come by her own choice.
Author TheKing007 Posted April 25, 2013 Author Posted April 25, 2013 Hey, what they are saying is true I met many people I knew online in real life, no I didn't love them to bgin with, they were just friends in my college and other places and we decided to meat, it sooooooooooo different from online....Everything is different, and it's always awkward if first meeting, guess that part is normal Sometime the boring character you see online is the fun on in reality, sometimes it's vice versa You never know until you meet, maybe she is the one for you, maybe she is not, but you have is not real love, it's attachment. But for the record, I know many people who met online, loved each other online, then met in reality and also get married and they are together now ...You just never know Don't let us deny you a chance of true love of a total shock or maybe just meeting a good friend ....If you can go overseas, go for it. What concerns me however is the fact that she is from another country, a far one, even if you two became lovers, the barriers and cultural differences will still be there.. and I don't think she'll leave her country and friends to come with you, right? Thank you for your reply, also very helpful. I know it will be awkward but I'll take care of that when time comes. I think it's love, I am attached, I won't lie about that. I also know people who've met people online, fell in love and got married etc. I was quite skeptical about that before, not anymore. I do intend to meet her, I promised her I will and I keep to my word. She may be the one or maybe not, I'll know once I've met her. I know there will be culteral barriers but if what we feel for one another is real then we'll get past that. She has agreed to leave her country and everything else to be with me. But all that will only happen once I've met her, we'll know how real this is then.
Author TheKing007 Posted April 25, 2013 Author Posted April 25, 2013 You say she blows hot & cold, and you aren't sure why. She loves you, but she has this boyfriend in her "real life" that--for whatever reason--she hasn't let go of yet. She wants to meet you--which would involve flying overseas, yes?--but she has such financial trouble that she's staying in a broken relationship for the sake of money? And it sounds like she has parts to her life that she's kept hidden from you, even if she has been open about other skeletons. It's complicated sounding, from an outsider's perspective. Yes, I think if you two actually love each other you, have every right to know why she hasn't broken up with her boyfriend. Asking about that would be the first thing out of my mouth, after she confessed her feelings, if I were you. So... will she be able to work in your country? If not, can you support her? Has she started looking for a job where you live? How old are you two? Have you guys really figured out the logistics? I know it all sounds complicated, a few of my close mates know about this situation. They also say the same stuff but they also think I should meet her once. I have asked her and she's told me why and some very personal stuff in regards to it. I get it and I feel there's more involved that she hasn't mentioned. Yeah, she can work in my country. We both speak English and are qualified till around university level. I can support her if need be but she won't let me, she's told me that from now. She hasn't started looking for a job here just yet. We've both in our mid to late 20's. I know we haven't figured out the logistics properly, but when times comes, we will. I do have a rough idea of how everything will work out, I have planned for that.
Author TheKing007 Posted April 25, 2013 Author Posted April 25, 2013 You should think long and hard about getting involved with this woman given the circumstances. She is apparently using her boyfriend for financial reasons while she expresses her love to you. What do you think about that? Is that the sign of a good person? If she had any class, she would end things with him if she is so in love with you. (She has no friends or family who can help her out?) Also, why was she trolling online for a new guy when she already had a boyfriend? She's been cheating on him for six months! What's to say she won't do the same to you when and if you two get together? Also...I think it is only a matter of time until she asks you for help with her financial problems. Don't give her any money. Honestly, the entire thing reeks of a scam. She's already planted the seeds for her financial problems and told you (a stranger!) that she will move to your country, thus reeling you in even more. Has she ever even been to your country? That seems like a pretty bold statement. I have thought long and hard about this. She isn't using him for financial reasons, he lives with her in her place. She pay's most of the bills and he helps out. She doesn't have too many friends and she doesn't want to move in with her family. She wasn't trolling online. I made a silly remark to her and she replied and that's how we began talking. Yes, I know she can do the exact same thing to me. I know why she's not into him anymore and it is his fault, beleive me, it is. I won't do that to her though, I intend to treat her properly. I actually asked her if she wanted financial help. It was a test from me to see what she said. She completely refused. She wants to deal with the issues herself before she begins her life with me. So it's not a scam. Nope, she's never been here before.
Author TheKing007 Posted April 25, 2013 Author Posted April 25, 2013 This woman sounds like a winner. If your definition of the word "winner" is someone who lies to and cheats on someone else, relies on them financially, plans on using another guy for the same reason, and happens to be a complete coward. You can't control what she does, but you can control what you do. If you go into this and things don't work out (they won't), it's your fault and no one else's. I know what you're saying. The cheating bit I can't argue with. She doesn't use him financially though. He lives with her in her home. She pays most of the bills, he does help out though. I know, it will be my fault if this doesn't work out. I have thought that bit through along with this can also happen to me.
Author TheKing007 Posted April 25, 2013 Author Posted April 25, 2013 Since you conveniently ignored Treasa's post, I thought it was worthwhile to quote it for TRUTH. Have you sent this damsel in distress any money...yet? Errrmmmm, actually, I didn't ignore her post. I replied to it. Go have a look. I intend to reply to every post, I appreciate every response I get. I haven't sent her money and I won't. I once asked her if she wanted financial help, it was a test to see what she said. She completely refused me to financially help her.
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