Devastated77 Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Hi. Long story short(ish), my partner of 13 years recently broke up with me. At first it was alot of "I need space, I don't know how I am feeling". He has been under alot of strain at work and we have been fighting on and off. He said he felt everything is pressure and needed time. So I gave it to him. 5 days later, he contacted me saying he loved me and was sorry he wasn't coping. So we met the next day, and reconciled...or so I thought. Then began the push/pull thing from him. The day after reconciling, he froze me out for days. Then we met again, and things were good. Then froze me out again. Then did it once again. By that time, I had had enough and we had a big fight I said it's obvious he doesn't want me and if he wants to watch me move on with another guy who will appreciate me and wants to throw away 13 years, that's his loss. Anyway, Monday I saw him after we had a big text fight and he told me that he loves me and doesn't want to give up on us, but isn't in love with me anymore because all we do is fight and he doesn't see that ever improving. Tuesday I rang him and proposed that we give it a month and revisit it then, as he said he still wanted to talk about it. He agreed (somewhat reluctantly) but also said he still wanted to be friends and stay in contact. So later that day, I texted him a friendly "how's work going?" and he flipped out. Said I was acting like everything was normal. I said you said you wanted to stay in contact? He said "I need time, I need space." Now he didn't specify that to me at any stage but I said that's fine, we both need time and space for a month and see what happens. Today, I check my banking and he has used my keycard (which he still has) for about 20 bucks without telling me. I let it slide. Then I get a text from him later that afternoon saying "Hi. I just wondered if it's ok if I borrow 100 and pay it back when I get paid?" I asked what it was for and he said petrol, food etc. I didn't answer for awhile and he texted again "Is it ok?" I answered "yes." Didn't get any reply after that. I am confused and a bit pissed off. HE said he wanted no contact, and a day later is asking me for money? He had other people he could ask...his mum, his boss etc...why me? Was it a way to keep in contact or is he just playing me for money? Am I reduced to being an ATM??
Emilia Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 5 days later, he contacted me saying he loved me and was sorry he wasn't coping. So we met the next day, and reconciled...or so I thought. Then began the push/pull thing from him. The day after reconciling, he froze me out for days. Then we met again, and things were good. Then froze me out again. Then did it once again. By that time, I had had enough and we had a big fight I said it's obvious he doesn't want me and if he wants to watch me move on with another guy who will appreciate me and wants to throw away 13 years, that's his loss. He is weaning himself off you. Still getting sex (or was getting sex) but being in contact less and less. It's gradual. Tuesday I rang him and proposed that we give it a month and revisit it then, as he said he still wanted to talk about it. He agreed (somewhat reluctantly) but also said he still wanted to be friends and stay in contact. So later that day, I texted him a friendly "how's work going?" and he flipped out. Said I was acting like everything was normal. I said you said you wanted to stay in contact? He said "I need time, I need space." Now he didn't specify that to me at any stage but I said that's fine, we both need time and space for a month and see what happens. I think you have been too understanding here. Today, I check my banking and he has used my keycard (which he still has) for about 20 bucks without telling me. I let it slide. Then I get a text from him later that afternoon saying "Hi. I just wondered if it's ok if I borrow 100 and pay it back when I get paid?" I asked what it was for and he said petrol, food etc. I didn't answer for awhile and he texted again "Is it ok?" I answered "yes." Didn't get any reply after that. I am confused and a bit pissed off. HE said he wanted no contact, and a day later is asking me for money? He had other people he could ask...his mum, his boss etc...why me? Was it a way to keep in contact or is he just playing me for money? Am I reduced to being an ATM?? And the bolded is where you are seriously letting him walk all over you. Yes you are reduced to ATM status. He doesn't want to talk anymore, he just wants cash. 3
Author Devastated77 Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 Thanks for your reply. What do you mean by I was being too understanding, can I ask?
Treasa Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 WOW. All that and he just withdraws money without asking you, and then asks for more?? Sweetie, you're being a doormat. Call your bank and have them shut down that card and issue you a new one. 4
Art_Critic Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 WOW. All that and he just withdraws money without asking you, and then asks for more?? Sweetie, you're being a doormat. Call your bank and have them shut down that card and issue you a new one. I second this...... 2
Emilia Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Thanks for your reply. What do you mean by I was being too understanding, can I ask? He was rude to you, never took your feelings into any account yet you were offering to give him a month. What about you? What about your feelings? I'm not even saying anything else about the money, the others have been more to the point 2
darkmoon Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 tell him, sorry, but you can't afford to give him any more money he'll have to stop asking you then xx and he'll have to man up ffs
ThatJustHappened Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Oh, how kind of him to ask to borrow the money the second time. What a douchecake!!! Cancel your card IMMEDIATELY and get this jerk out of your life! 1
Minneloa Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Normally, I strive to be balanced and thoughtful in my responses. About this situation, however, my only thought is, "Oh, HELL TO THE NO!" 4
Author Devastated77 Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 Apparently my feelings don't matter...it is what he wants that counts. Now after this, I have no idea what to do...whether to stick out the month and see what happens, or just assume it's over. He can't have a chance to miss me or us if he keeps contacting me for business/non-personal matters...and I am wondering if that is what he is doing, even though HE was the one who said he needed time/space. This is tearing me apart.
Treasa Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Apparently my feelings don't matter...it is what he wants that counts. If you believe that, then you only have yourself to blame. You're letting him treat you this way.
Author Devastated77 Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 I can only go off how he's been acting. Which is he doesn't ask how I am, what I want, where I want this to go...nothing. It has all been about him. It was me who suggested the month...and like I said, he agreed but it took some time for him to do that. He already admitted he has told me things in the past because "sometimes it's easier to tell you things to make you happy." So how do I do he hasn't just done the same this time and is moving on? I just don't know whether to stick to the month...because I don't want to get to the end of that month and for him to say "no" or "I need more time." 13 years is a huge amount of time and I do hope that he finds it hard to erase that length of time in his mind as well. If I am wasting my time and he has already made his mind up, I'd rather know now than bother to have any further hope...if that makes sense?
Treasa Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Hi. Long story short(ish), my partner of 13 years recently broke up with me. At first it was alot of "I need space, I don't know how I am feeling". This was the very first part of your post. Would you rather it be 25 years of your life that you lose to this *******?
Author Devastated77 Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 No. But of course, it being early days, I don't see him as an a**hole. I just see the good things. He has been struggling with depression...he finally went to the Dr monday and got tablets...so I hope they make him feel better. And of course I am hoping that once his head starts to clear, he realises what he has lost. I think we all think this way when we are the dumpee. I don't have alot of choice about the month...I either leave it and see if he contacts me, or I contact him and end it now...which *I* obviously don't want to do, but it does feel like he's just agreed to the month to get me to leave him alone, not because he wants it. Even though he said he doesn't want to give up on us. That could just be another lie to placate me. I am sick of this being so hard, every day I feel worse not better
Reiko Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 I honestly think you would be better off looking after yourself and cutting off contact with him; he's treating you like a doormat and you're letting him. When he is completely inconsiderate of your feelings and you respond by being considerate of his then all you're doing is telling him that's how you deserve to be treated. I know it feels like you're being nice and meeting him halfway and being understanding, etc. But prostrating yourself isn't going to change his feelings towards you. 1
Treasa Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 All I can say is that I guarantee you that you will someday regret not ending it with him, and letting him call all the shots, stealing money from you, etc. I know it's hard, but I'd rather make the difficult, right choice than the easy, clearly wrong one. 3
Author Devastated77 Posted April 25, 2013 Author Posted April 25, 2013 so if I choose not to go with the month and end it now, what to say to him? Any suggestions?
KraftDinner Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 Just say, "pay me back, and then sayonara." 1
Author Devastated77 Posted April 25, 2013 Author Posted April 25, 2013 He won't be able to pay me back til next week...do I wait to see if it has been paid first? It was me who suggested the month thing...I'm currently stuck between waiting the month out or just flat out asking him if he wants to wait the month or not. I don't want to waste a month thinking something may come of it if it never will.
Treasa Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 Tell him to pay you back right away. If he can't, chalk it up as a fairly inexpensive lesson, and then leave.
Author Devastated77 Posted April 25, 2013 Author Posted April 25, 2013 He has no money...hence needing to borrow it. He said he will pay me back once he has been paid.
2sunny Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 I would pay $100 to be rid of this douchebag. ^^^^ this! And you probably just paid for him to take someone else out on a date! That, or you may be supporting a new drug habit. Either way - you should be glad to be rid of a douche like him - that has nothing to offer you, not even decent manners to ask how YOUR day is! You've been given a gift of freedom from this mooch - take it! Cut him off from accessing anything of yours! He's proven he'll take without common courtesy of asking you!
Author Devastated77 Posted April 25, 2013 Author Posted April 25, 2013 I did find that interesting...when I got the money text it was "Hi I was wondering if...etc" not even a how are you. I'm trying NOT to let myself give him excuses such as having depression, being under pressure etc...and I certainly don't want to believe I've just paid for a date for him! Why can't we just switch off our damn feelings for people and most importantly, switch off HOPE!??!?
2sunny Posted April 25, 2013 Posted April 25, 2013 I did find that interesting...when I got the money text it was "Hi I was wondering if...etc" not even a how are you. I'm trying NOT to let myself give him excuses such as having depression, being under pressure etc...and I certainly don't want to believe I've just paid for a date for him! Why can't we just switch off our damn feelings for people and most importantly, switch off HOPE!??!? You DO have that choice to make. I hope you will decide to end it - he's not participating - except to use you and take from you. Why is that enough for you? It shouldn't be! I hope you want more for yourself than the measly crumbs he's offered. You should think your value deserves better than that. And stop rewarding his bad behavior by having sex with him! There's not even a reason to EVER see him again! You ask to see him when he intends to break up - then you have sex! That's just disgusting and degrading yourself. You've trained him to treat you terribly. Time to start fresh - but first you need serious counseling about what should be unacceptable - and how to have a healthy boundary! Please seek intensive counseling.
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