danny8630 Posted September 20, 2004 Posted September 20, 2004 2 months ago, my girlfriend and I had broken up after 4 months of dating. I loved her deeply and she was 'numb' about things and she had to 'find herself'. To make things short, Another guy was NOT involved. The main things for her were comm. college and a demanding job with ridiculous hours. Anyway, she broke up with me because she was scared that if she had opened herself up to me that i would hurt her.(she has had horrible relationships in the past). This hurt me a lot so now, she had a realization over the break and she has come back to me. We've been back together for probably 2 weeks and I still do not feel like i did for her.It worries me a little because she is a great, smart, and faithful girl and I do want to be with her, the thing is that I think IM scared to open up to her because of what shes done to me. She says she is back for good now that she has things squared away. I have noticed a huge difference in our relationship ie. she calls me and asks if she can come over, calls me to hang out. Before it was me doing all of these things. I think she is being truthful but i just can't feel that love that i did for her. Is this Normal? For any similar cases..do you have any Tips?Suggestions? Thanks
kellyp1 Posted September 20, 2004 Posted September 20, 2004 When trust is broken, it takes time to rebuild. If it's worth it, take it slow and try to reconnect with what brought you together in the first place. You have to be able to let go of the pain though in order to make it work. It will take time and effort on both of your parts - your part to let it go and move on as a couple and hers to be patient while you work through your part and not further violate the connection you have. Even though she didn't cheat on you, she did leave you. Although it is somewhat honorable, since she needed to work through her problems, it is still leaving. You need proof that it won't happen again and that will take time. Good luck!
YellowLioness Posted September 20, 2004 Posted September 20, 2004 I know that she's a great girl, and I can understand her point of view about needing space. However, if its not there for you anymore, then it's not. You have an obligation to yourself and to her to be true. It sounds like you may be fairly young, I don't know... but I think you just found yourself in a "deal breaker," situation. That is where you can't get past something that a girlfriend or boyfriend did, so you break up. It sounds like she's already broken the deal, for you, and that you're still finding reaasons that you should be with her. What it seems to boil down to is that you think very highly of her as a person, but that you do not trust her as a girlfriend. It sounds like you have all the feelings for her that make a great friendship with someone of the opposite sex: respect, appreciation for good qualities, and no real sense of love. Don't be with someone because you feel obligated to. That will only end in disaster, this is coming from someone who has already done that. Since you are perceptive enough to recognize this change in yourself early on, I'd act on it before feelings get too entangled for a quick break up and friendship. Sorry if I was blunt about things. I mean no offense.
Author danny8630 Posted September 20, 2004 Author Posted September 20, 2004 yeah, we are young, both of us. I trust her as a girlfriend because her highest fear is someone cheating on her and that being said, she wouldn't like to see ANYONE deal with that sort of pain especially me because I am very good for her. I can/do trust her as a girlfriend, i know she wouldn't do things behind my back. I do love her, it is still there, I know that if she is serious about what she has said especially about being with me, i will become more serious because it is naturally of me to do so. I just dont get it. Before, i couldn't control my emotions for her, I would constantly be thinking about her, she was the light of my day. I still do think about her during the day. I think I need some sort of appreciation boost for what i have. We are going to dinner tonight, I know it will be fantastic.
jmargel Posted September 20, 2004 Posted September 20, 2004 You are still resenting her for leaving. You can't do that. She needed her space for her own reasons. They weren't because she didn't care for you. Look at it as her truly thinking about this, and then deciding with you. This was smart on her part, otherwise a year later from now she'll be leaving you with the famous lines of 'needing space'. Keep positive thoughts, and when you think about her leaving before, think about why she did. She appreciates what you did for her, and she can now truly love you without any threat.
YellowLioness Posted September 20, 2004 Posted September 20, 2004 We've been back together for probably 2 weeks and I still do not feel like i did for her alright. is it this? or is it this: I do love her, it is still there, If it's still there, then go with it. Enjoy the time that you have with her. If it's not, then break it off, and move on.
Author danny8630 Posted September 20, 2004 Author Posted September 20, 2004 sorry about that contradiction. I do love her, it IS still there, perhaps not as intense?
NatoPMT Posted September 21, 2004 Posted September 21, 2004 Let this be a warning to all commitment-phobes, she left you because she thought it was easier to deal with a break up than the pain of getting involved…. ‘because she was scared that if she had opened herself up to me that i would hurt her’. By the time she realised there was nothing to be scared of as you are a decent bloke, she might have given YOU the fear. Maybe you now recognise how it feels to be hurt by her and you are holding yourself back to prevent this happening again. Her commitment-phobia has transferred to you, hers is intrinsically she’s scared of relationships, yours is being scared of a relationship with her, or that’s what started your comparable apathy. You need to communicate to her your new issue, fully, and you need to prevent the natural tit-for-tat response escalating – IF you want it to work that is. My bf and I went through something not dissimilar, but not as extreme. We decided to take things slow, always say what concerned us, always say if something triggered insecurity, and never do anything that could result in misunderstandings. And on that we could build enough trust to know that we wouldn’t be hurt, and if we did something the other didn’t like, we would know about it and not get any nasty surprises further down the line. She needed to know that you wouldn’t dump her out of the blue, she’d always have the chance to understand where things were going wrong before she discovered her SO had cheated/or dumped her/’betrayed’ her/whatever – now you deserve to know the same. Honesty, honesty, honesty.
jmargel Posted September 21, 2004 Posted September 21, 2004 Nice post BigBelm. Couldn't have said it better myself. BTW, do me a favor and do a search for a post by 'poconobob' its a long one thread, well over 150 posts, but maybe you can help him.
NatoPMT Posted September 21, 2004 Posted September 21, 2004 thanks jmargel - & will have a lookee at the post.
Author danny8630 Posted September 21, 2004 Author Posted September 21, 2004 Thank you very much for your accurate, detailed response. I could very well tell that what she was fearing the first time has now transfered over to me, I don't want to tell her that though because i know for me it will pass, which also seems completely normal for me to feel. And what i need now is what She needed before...that feeling of knowing she is for real and won't dump ME out of the blue. I do want things to work because she is great and i do want to be with her. Our dinner last night was fantastic, we then went and seen a movie. it was a great night. I'm having a little trouble understanding the "Tit-for-tat" part. Can you tell me about that?
jmargel Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 I agree with BigBelm's post, except for one thing. I wouldn't tell her about your insecurities. Only because the reason why she left before was because she was scared of you dumping her. If you tell her these things, you'll just reinstate these fears in her. Nothing good would come out of telling her. Action speaks louder than words, and even though you had a great night last night, you might not have so good nights in the future. Every couple encounters them, trust me. But you have to realize even if she is upset, mad, in a bad mood, etc.. that you can't take it personally, and the relationship won't end over one bad night. None of us can predict the future. Life doesn't come with an instruction manual, so loving someone there is always a risk. Everyone faces this risk. However if we just sit by, afraid of getting hurt then we'll never know what it feels like to be loved and all the good things that go with it. Change the things you can change and don't worry about the things you can't. Enjoy her company, treat her and the things she does for you as a gift. She chose YOU out of the billions of people in this world.
Author danny8630 Posted September 22, 2004 Author Posted September 22, 2004 Very well said. She knows I treat her better than anyone ever has. The guys before me loved to mold her mind and they loved it when she would cry or get upset at things they did. And that is why she is the way she is, from her past. It has improved significantly since i've first met her, and now that she knows that im not about mind games and manipulation, she is opening up to me. I have a new problem now guys. She is totally stressed out over school because the professors are taking it into high gear with the homework and studying. I want to get her something or do something that would make her feel better. Flowers are good, but can be common. Help anyone?
jmargel Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Those kinda things are nice, but that won't resolve the stress. Can you help her with her studying, etc? I did that for my wife. I know how it can be at times. She may also look into a tutor, that'll help as well. Not sure how your schedule is, but when my wife had a long day at work, I'd either take her out for a drink or get a bath ready for her, or just write her little love notes now & then.
Jilly10340 Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 I would give it more time. About a year ago me and my bf at the time broke up after he hurt me very much and we got back together about three months later. He acted different too. He was more open about his feelings and always called me and asked to see me. After a couple of weeks i thought about breaking up with him because I just didn't feel anything for him. But I decided to stick around and after a while the feelings came back. You just have to regain some of that trust that you had before. I wouldn't take off yet...
Author danny8630 Posted September 23, 2004 Author Posted September 23, 2004 I think it is safe to say that the feelings are coming back steadily. I have noticed a change in me that little stuff before doesn't bother me like it did. I have a higher tolerance for things that would really make me angry--its more just a simple shrug off now. I'm proud of myself for this change because i wouldn't beat myself up thinking about stuff.
jmargel Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Check out the link in my signature. Alot of the time the pressure people feel are brought on by themselves. Learn to communicate better, especially before it turns into an agrument. I talk about that in my post (the link).
Author danny8630 Posted September 23, 2004 Author Posted September 23, 2004 That was a great post; Very insightful.
Broli2001122 Posted September 24, 2004 Posted September 24, 2004 [color=darkred]don't sweat it give it time. I may be seriously young but I know a lot about a relationships. If you're with her for you then all the better you shouldn't be like me concentrate on yourself a little. Don't get cocky women dislike that much. I would know from stories. If you want eachother than it's all good.[/color]
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