Introvert dating extrovert, possible?

[everlongdrummer]

Hi all, I am a self confessed introverted 25 yr old guy, decent looking, good job and lots of cool hobbies. I came out of a 7 year relationship about 3 months with a girl who cheated on me, which affected me pretty bad for a few weeks but I can say I am getting on quite well.

 

The downside of this failed relationship means I am missing 7 years of learning the basics of social interactions, specifically the dating game. I don't mind the fact I am an introvert, I am usually shy, reserved, I think (and worry) way too much about things and usually won't say something unless I know it's correct, I avoid the unknown and have trouble making decisions. On the flip-side get me in a group of friends and I can be the life of the party - I'm sure a lot of introverts can follow me here.

 

Now I knew it was maybe a little too early, but I jumped into online dating as a way to boost my confidence a bit. To jump ahead a few weeks I have been emailing a girl back and forth, who eventually suggested a meet for a drink.

 

My introverted initial reaction was wanting to ask "where do you want to go? what do you want to do?" etc but against my own pattern I decided to suggest the bar to meet at.

 

The date, I think - went well, but being my normal over calculating self afterwards I've been picking it apart when I really should be going with the flow and not caring too much.

 

This girl rocked up to the date and looked 5x better than in the photos, this made me crumble a little already. She was very much an extroverted person, even in her profile title she proudly mentioned it. The conversation was typical of an introvert vs extroverted conversation, she talked about 80% of the time and I happily listened. She smiled a lot, provided positive body language, she touched me a few times, time flew and the date went for 4 hours. When we left the first place she was the one who suggested where to go next, she suggested where to sit etc. I felt like I was quite reserved, I usually joke and be sarcastic alot with friends but being out of my comfort zone I felt weird. I really did wing it and have no idea about any of the "rules" of dating at all.

 

I offered her a ride home and she accepts, dropped her off and got a kiss on the cheek. She explains she has work/holiday commitments for the next 3 weeks but would like to keep in touch. She followed this up with a text saying she had a great time.

 

Now all of this sounds promising. I texted her 2 days later, asking if she would like to catch up when she is free after her holidays/work and she confirmed yes.

 

I guess my concerns revolve around the fact that

 

1) i have no idea what im doing (dating)

2) she's highly extroverted and im an introvert, is it possible to keep her attracted?

3) i have trouble making decisions for her, i.e. where to go next etc

 

Does anyone have any advice on this? Obviously I should just not think about it too much, go on more dates etc, not care if this doesn't work out. On the other hand I'd like to give this a good shot as I quite like this girl already but am unsure if she would even bother trying to date an introvert.

 

This post is really just me thinking out aloud, so I appreciate I won't get many replies, but if your an introvert/extrovert who tried/is dating the opposite and can give me any tips I would appreciate it.

[carhill]

Happens all the time, on either side.

 

I can say, having been married and divorced, and having friends go through similar, that you're remarkable in your healing. A few weeks, after someone cheated on you in a seven year R? Ah, to be young again.

 

My advice would be to continue to socialize but be mindful of the potholes when 'triggers' of the past present themselves. Also, if this lady is your age or younger, be aware that more 'free-form' associations tend to occur these days, so don't count on anything. Enjoy the moment and refrain from any expectations of another. Good luck.

[Roadkill007]

first of all, the wording should be "shy socially awkward dating socially well adjusted, possible?" I know it's commonly used as such, but introvert and extrovert don't necessarily mean those things. Introvert is someone who essentially feels recharged by spending time by himself/herself. Extrovert is someone who feels recharged by spending time with others. Thus, someone who prefers to socialize after a hard day of work is the extrovert and someone who prefers to just read a book would be the introvert. The extrovert could be socially maladjusted and the introvert could be socially graceful.

 

Okay, so about your actual post and what you meant to say, don't worry about it. She might enjoy being given the chance to talk, she might dislike guys who try to dominate conversations, etc. etc. It could be anything, who knows. Apparently she enjoyed spending time with you, and that's all that matters. Different people want different things from their partners, so worrying about not adhering to popular expectations is pointless. Hopefully when you get comfortable around her enough to let your sarcastic side out, she likes that side of you as well. Really, as you said, don't think too much about it. Relax.

[everlongdrummer]

Hi, Everlong. Relationships have a better chance of success when you are dating someone more like you than unlike you. I think the fact that she is so extroverted is going to present a problem. As far as the "I will be tied up for three weeks". What that really means is that she intends to keep you as back up and is more interested in seeing or looking for another guy. Knowledge is power.

 

That's what I thought. I guess I'll still go on more dates with her, if anything to improve my social skills, getting out of my comfort zone etc.

 

The 3 week gap thing, she has a fly in/fly out remote job combined with a planned holiday overseas in between. As this was discussed in our email conversations before we even met I would be likely to think this is genuine.

 

In fact, during the date, I picked up on an early "escape plan" of needing to pick up a friend, which was quickly dismissed by herself as "no longer necessary" later in the date when I reminded her about it.

 

Anyway, so far the comments are pointing to what I am thinking. I am probably going to be too boring/indecisive for her tastes, and I would probably suit a introverted person like myself.

[everlongdrummer]

first of all, the wording should be "shy socially awkward dating socially well adjusted, possible?"

 

When you put it that way, which is more likely, the answer is sadly quite evident.

 

Perhaps I need a year or 2 of becoming socially confident.

[Roadkill007]

When you put it that way, which is more likely, the answer is sadly quite evident.

 

Perhaps I need a year or 2 of becoming socially confident.

 

 

you misunderstand what I mean. I'm simply saying that the terms you're using don't really mean what you think they do. It's like how people constantly think anorexia and bulimia are the same. First paragraph was simply correcting a technical error.

 

In my second paragraph, I'm saying that apparently she doesn't mind your social awkwardness, and enjoyed spending time with you regardless of your self-doubt. I said you shouldn't worry about it and that she might not be looking for what "most" girls look for in guys(allegedly). Thus, she might prefer you to your typical blabbermouth guy who's too busy trying to impress her she doesn't feel like she can get a word in. Was that clear enough? (feeling like Shakespeare here.... have to translate everything I say on the opposite page)

[everlongdrummer]

Roadkill007, could you paraphrase your post again for me? Maybe dot points?

 

No seriously though, sorry, I do appreciate your input.

[Roadkill007]

mk let me try this again... This is good practice for me anyways. I have a feeling a lot of times I don't get responses from my posts because they're a bit layered.

 

 

Okay from the beginning.

 

- You used the words "introvert" and "extrovert" improperly. It's a common misconception, no biggie, but I was simply trying to correct this misuse of words by replacing them with what you meant.

 

- She might just have enjoyed spending time with you. Maybe her other dates don't give her opportunities to talk because they're too busy trying to impress her with stories about them. She got to talk about what she wanted with you, and apparently she liked that

 

- don't worry about not being similar to her in terms of social experience. Some outgoing people prefer dating shy people. Some don't. Some don't care either way. It depends from person to person. Don't think too much about it.

 

- Perhaps if you keep going out with her, you'll feel comfortable enough that your sarcastic side will come out. Hopefully she'll also enjoy this side of you at that point in time.

 

 

That's basically what I was saying.

[Gottabestrong]

Hi drummer,

I think the more important question is what are you looking for right now?

 

You just got out of a really long relationship, are you looking to jump into another LTR straight away? Or do you just want to have some fun, meet nice women, improve your dating skills, boost your confidence, etc?

 

If you are hoping to find your next girlfriend ASAP, then your different personalities might become a problem down the line, but I still think you should give it at least a handful of dates before you think about that. Who knows, there might be 50 other more important reasons, why you two are not a match.

 

Now, if you are not really looking to jump into another relationship straight away, then my advice is to relax! Don't worry about it, take it day by day! You had a good time, she said she had a good time, and both want to meet again. That is all the information you need right now.

 

Also, don't pin all your hopes or attention onto this one girl. Keep writing to and setting up dates with other girls. It will help you with all the things you mentioned - boosting your confidence, improving your dating skills, having fun, etc.

 

The girl you just met will not have time to meet up for another 3 weeks, I really advise against you sitting at home, counting down the days and thinking about the next date. Who knows what might happen in between. She is probably talking to other guys as well.

 

You barely know her, so don't put all your eggs into one basket. Try to just see dating as fun, getting to know new people and maybe getting more comfortable in the company of beautiful women. (I don't think you should 'crumble' when you have a date with a woman you find beautiful. You should feel excited instead.)

 

In summary, my advice is to relax, not focus too much on this one girl, but try to actually have fun. If you don't focus too much on her this will also help your prospects with her if you two should really end up in a relationship together, you will come across as more relaxed, laid-back and not 'too eager'. All points that are attractive to many women.

 

Good luck!

[ChessPieceFace]

"Self confessed" introvert like you are admitting to some kind of crime. That's a bad perception to begin with. Just because most people in the world tell you you're wrong for being introverted doesn't mean they're right.

 

I think it can work between introvert/extrovert if there is enough of a bridge there. Like the introvert being interested in things the extrovert does but just needing a little push to be a little more social, etc. But if the gap is really extreme, it might be hard.

 

Don't pin your future on this person, just try to calm down and be as natural as you can manage. At least you're trying, that's more than some introverts do (like me.)

[salparadise]

I believe that introverts and extraverts can be quite compatible. I am an introvert dating an extravert and we both seem to have an appreciation for the other's style and preferences for social interaction. I agree with the post above, that you should not adopt the "extraversion is better" mentality. They're just different, and assuming other characteristics are compatible, they can be complementary. It's natural that an extravert would be the one pushing the agenda to some degree, so just go with it part of the time and, make a conscious choice to take the lead other times and maintain a nice balance. It's a common stereotype that women all want the guy to be dominant, but not all women fit the stereotype and many prefer a more equal balance. I like that as it takes some of the pressure off to always be two steps ahead.

 

With regard to your recent breakup from a long relationship, I agree that you should give yourself more time. Keep the dating light and fun and don't become overly invested early on. Give relationships time to progress naturally. If you find that you are simply magnets for each other, assess the reasons and if you're confident that it's healthy on both sides then perhaps you just got lucky. Just don't fall into something as a way to fill a void. Fill the void first and get to know yourself as a single, independent person so you can make good choices.