So what do loveshack members who've been single for a while do to combat loneliness?

[trevzilla]

So I'm coming up on 5 years since my divorce and I've been on 4 first dates since then. My mom died around the same time as my divorce and I don't like my dad. I have an aunt I see once every month or two for beers and that's my family in my town. There are a lot of good things in my life, I have a great job at an online dating site ironically, some hobbies, I got into fitness after my divorce and go to yoga regularly (I shed 45 pounds and I"m a pretty lean 6'2" 210 pounds). I try to hang out with friends a fair bit, but it still doesn't take the ache of loneliness away, and they always seem to easily meet women and I get ditched eventually anyway, so it seems like I lose friends faster than I can make them.

 

So when you're looking at growing old alone, how do you get out of bed every morning and keep going? I'm just not that enthused about life anymore, and it seems kind of pointless and it's like I'm living Groundhog day the movie every time I turn off my alarm in the morning and get my ass out of bed. I never really learned the skills to connect with women, given my traumatic childhood, so it's not that unreasonable to think that I may never meet anyone again. That observation comes from asking many women out and seeing the same total lack of attraction on their part time and time again, so the best I can do is a first date and then whatever it is about me totally kills whatever might have been there to begin with. So what's the point in being a social being and going on when you are forced to be alone? Studies that have isolated puppies and chimps have been severely damaging to the subjects mentally and emotionally, so what's the f'ing point in this life as a human being with no significant connection with family or a loved one? Sorry for the rant, but my 43rd birthday is coming up in a week and I just see myself racing towards being a lonely old man. That's basically the fate of my late mom and grandfather too who were single after 40 and never met anyone; it's the gift of my messed up family.

Edited April 24, 2013 by trevzilla

[carhill]

The short answer is there's always something to do. Life's about living.

 

I'm post-D around 2.5 years now. The last of my family died about a couple months before our D was final.

 

The time has flown by. Between managing chores around the place, working in the shop and dealing with tenants, each day is pretty full. Then there's nearby and far-flung friends to do things with or entertain. I'm working this evening on flights for the next 3-4 months to visit my best friend while he and his wife are on the road in their RV and another friend who just lost his 90yo mom and survived major surgery. I'll spend a week with them and drive one of his old cars to a regional show. Always something to do.

 

I'm ten years older than you, so time is that much shorter. Fewer productive years of work left so more to catch up on from the financial setbacks of divorce. TBH, most days, other than when I read LS, I don't give women and dating much thought. Good luck.

[Radu]

So I'm coming up on 5 years since my divorce and I've been on 4 first dates since then. My mom died around the same time as my divorce and I don't like my dad. I have an aunt I see once every month or two for beers and that's my family in my town. There are a lot of good things in my life, I have a great job at an online dating site ironically, some hobbies, I got into fitness after my divorce and go to yoga regularly (I shed 45 pounds and I"m a pretty lean 6'2" 210 pounds). I try to hang out with friends a fair bit, but it still doesn't take the ache of loneliness away, and they always seem to easily meet women and I get ditched eventually anyway, so it seems like I lose friends faster than I can make them.

 

So when you're looking at growing old alone, how do you get out of bed every morning and keep going? I'm just not that enthused about life anymore, and it seems kind of pointless and it's like I'm living Groundhog day the movie every time I turn off my alarm in the morning and get my ass out of bed. I never really learned the skills to connect with women, given my traumatic childhood, so it's not that unreasonable to think that I may never meet anyone again. That observation comes from asking many women out and seeing the same total lack of attraction on their part time and time again, so the best I can do is a first date and then whatever it is about me totally kills whatever might have been there to begin with. So what's the point in being a social being and going on when you are forced to be alone? Studies that have isolated puppies and chimps have been severely damaging to the subjects mentally and emotionally, so what's the f'ing point in this life as a human being with no significant connection with family or a loved one? Sorry for the rant, but my 43rd birthday is coming up in a week and I just see myself racing towards being a lonely old man. That's basically the fate of my late mom and grandfather too who were single after 40 and never met anyone; it's the gift of my messed up family.

 

I'd probably dish out on an escort for my B-day in your place, but then again ... i'm very bitter right now.

[somedude81]

Video games. It's the number one way to pass the time and also a great way to escape life.

 

I also watch a lot of anime and some Tv shoes that have a good story that I can get lost in. Game of Thrones is one of my favorites.

 

One of my favorite activities is taking dance classes, that way I interact with a lot of girls and I also get to have physical contact with them, which I'm totally lacking in my life. Though that class is almost a drug to me. I'm "high" when I'm there and having fun and almost go through slight withdrawal when I'm at home.

[Roadkill007]

When I start to feel that deep-seated loneliness, I take a moment to feel sorry for myself and blame the world. Then I make fun of my maudlin thoughts, make a silly face in the mirror, and laugh my *** off.

 

When I was younger, working out, gaming, etc. : anything that engaged me completely so that I wouldn't have a chance to keep thinking about it. The key is to not let yourself dwell on it too long, as depressed begets depression. See the signs when it comes, find a way to stop it, and... done.

[ViresSanctity]

I don't even have friends and I'm 26. I cut off connections with the ones I did have out of my life two years ago and keep one or two around that I've grown up with. They're more like my brothers than friends I hang out with.

 

For your reasons I don't like going out with friends. I go to bars alone and have a good time. There's one that I've become a regular at. I sit down with the guys anywhere from 40-60s in their age and have a cold beer with the group. We could talk for hours on end. I didn't worry about going out to meet women. That was the fun part when I did!

 

Honestly when you're having fun and not caring, your esteem goes up. When you talk to women at these places, don't expect anything and that'll keep it fun.

 

Once I met my ex-gf though, I stopped going out to the bars and distanced myself from these old guys. I tell you, it was the best, most laid back moments of my week, going home after school/work and sitting down with these guys to kill time. You never knew what happens later that night the bar but I've seen bikini mud wrestling, a hot cougar's birthday party, Czech tourists, etc.

 

Just go out and have fun. Life is more than about dating.

[Radu]

I don't even have friends and I'm 26. I cut off connections with the ones I did have out of my life two years ago and keep one or two around that I've grown up with. They're more like my brothers than friends I hang out with.

 

For your reasons I don't like going out with friends. I go to bars alone and have a good time. There's one that I've become a regular at. I sit down with the guys anywhere from 40-60s in their age and have a cold beer with the group. We could talk for hours on end. I didn't worry about going out to meet women. That was the fun part when I did!

 

Honestly when you're having fun and not caring, your esteem goes up. When you talk to women at these places, don't expect anything and that'll keep it fun.

 

Once I met my ex-gf though, I stopped going out to the bars and distanced myself from these old guys. I tell you, it was the best, most laid back moments of my week, going home after school/work and sitting down with these guys to kill time. You never knew what happens later that night the bar but I've seen bikini mud wrestling, a hot cougar's birthday party, Czech tourists, etc.

 

Just go out and have fun. Life is more than about dating.

 

You should read Barfly [or Post Office].

[Esoteric Elf]

Video games. It's the number one way to pass the time and also a great way to escape life.

I know man, right?!

 

New way of the future here. First (and thus far only) time two girls have argued over me. Interesting feeling I shall never forget (Mass Effect). Video games outpace reality in many areas.

[Eve]

So I'm coming up on 5 years since my divorce and I've been on 4 first dates since then. My mom died around the same time as my divorce and I don't like my dad. I have an aunt I see once every month or two for beers and that's my family in my town. There are a lot of good things in my life, I have a great job at an online dating site ironically, some hobbies, I got into fitness after my divorce and go to yoga regularly (I shed 45 pounds and I"m a pretty lean 6'2" 210 pounds). I try to hang out with friends a fair bit, but it still doesn't take the ache of loneliness away, and they always seem to easily meet women and I get ditched eventually anyway, so it seems like I lose friends faster than I can make them.

 

So when you're looking at growing old alone, how do you get out of bed every morning and keep going? I'm just not that enthused about life anymore, and it seems kind of pointless and it's like I'm living Groundhog day the movie every time I turn off my alarm in the morning and get my ass out of bed. I never really learned the skills to connect with women, given my traumatic childhood, so it's not that unreasonable to think that I may never meet anyone again. That observation comes from asking many women out and seeing the same total lack of attraction on their part time and time again, so the best I can do is a first date and then whatever it is about me totally kills whatever might have been there to begin with. So what's the point in being a social being and going on when you are forced to be alone? Studies that have isolated puppies and chimps have been severely damaging to the subjects mentally and emotionally, so what's the f'ing point in this life as a human being with no significant connection with family or a loved one? Sorry for the rant, but my 43rd birthday is coming up in a week and I just see myself racing towards being a lonely old man. That's basically the fate of my late mom and grandfather too who were single after 40 and never met anyone; it's the gift of my messed up family.

 

Sorry for your loss.

 

You seem able to achieve a lot when you put your mind to it. Maybe you are just having a bad day, or have been having a number of bad days?

 

I thought being single was GREAT! but I am a loner by nature so enjoy time on my own .. probably far too much. I do understand that pang of wanting to be with someone though..

 

H'mmm.. maybe the coming birthday has got to you somewhat? Maybe you need to plan something brilliant? I know this is not an immediate solution but maybe it is a case of finding a way to keeping yourself realistically hopeful and happy at the same time. Well, it sounds better than preparing yourself to be lonely for the rest of your days. I know which one sounds more attractive.

 

I say, have a vent and then start planning your birthday. Birthdays are FAB!

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Kamille]

I don't let my married/coupled/far away friends forget about me.

 

I force them to keep me into their lives by sending random: "this made me think of you texts", getting to know and caring for their children, helping them out with whatever I can and asking them for help when I need it.

 

And yes, these relationships are not balanced. I understand that I will likely have to contact them 80% of the time. But they're always happy to hear from me and I know and understand that they're a lot busier than I am.

 

I find that keeping in touch with friends is the best medicine against warding of loneliness.

[PinkSapphire]

Goals, my friend. Set goals.

 

I also am the lonely type; I need a lot of human interaction, conversations, touch, experiences, etc. It is very tough for me to be alone, but I deeply enjoy being single (there's a difference).

 

Find what you love, what sets off your passion. For me, it's being physical. I grew up in an athletic family, so for me it is going to the gym, learning new sports (rock climbing, etc), playing pick up games with friends, and also dancing. Anything that engages the mind and has goals that you can set and surpass, then set new ones. Huge help.

 

Also, reading or watching TV shows like a poster said above. I have never watched TV, but after simultaneously losing my job and relationship I sometimes need that fake human interaction. Good TV series with characters you can feel you know are great in that arena. I like Once Upon A Time and How I Met Your Mother. Dr. Who is apparently also great (on my list) and Game of Thrones is a new one. I started with Downton Abbey, but currently on hiatus.

 

Make a morning routine. Brew the coffee, go for your walk to the park, meditate there and set your goal for the day (or mood or whateve, did a small bit of meditation to combat some of my racing thoughts so pardon the weirdness here ) or just breathe deeply the morning air looking over a beautiful landscape if possible. Read from a daily self-help book (there are many out there. One of my favorites - religious warning - is Purpose Driven Life, but there are many secular ones as well. Sets a good tone for the day).

 

Also, set personal goals. Financial, work-related, personal growth (working on that one or two character flaws that you learned of through the breakup), volunteer. These are great ways to not be lonely, focus on something, and make progress in your life.

 

Most importantly, people. Take up a new hobby where you can meet people (but one you also would at least semi-enjoy). Make a goal of chatting and getting to know a new person or two each meeting. Also, reach out to old friends for a catch-up over coffee. "how you been? Let's meet for coffee." I actually had a newly-dumped friend do this with me recently. We were never super close, but there was no awkwardness or anything like that. We live close now, and she looked me up and started texting to hang out. Of course, it took me a bit to warm up to the idea, but we hang out regularly now and are participating in a 5k in two weeks. It doesn't have to become a best-friend type of thing, but even someone to chat with or go for a walk or plan things with, whatever, helps a lot.

 

I have also found others who are in my situation work-wise or are students. Basically, around during the day to help with the daytime depression. It does get bad, but if you keep yourself busy it helps a lot. I make plans to hang out for chat time, have made two new work-out buddies (never thought that would happen again after bygone years of college), and set chore-goals each day. Even if it is just laundry and groceries, have something you need to do.

 

Research volunteer organizations and set that up. I started Big Sisters because it is a relationship you develop with a child with a one-year commitment. What better way to direct those attachment feelings than with a child who needs it as much as you? And far more rewarding than a string of dates that leave you more miserable than before.

 

I forgot to add (thus, editing): Learn a new skill! I am practicing photography and also plan to take a statistics class. I took some business classes right after it happened, a totally new skill for me being a science-minded gal. Take a class or two in something you are interested in, learn bar tending, get a motorcycle license, or take up photography or cooking or dancing or...anything. Whatever seems interesting to you. This automatically has goals and challenges built in, and will take up tons of time. Plus, you will get to meet your classmates and make new friends that way. I met so many cool people in my classes, that when the ex called, I would ignore it because he wasn't as interesting (win!) Even if it doesn't have all the magic powers of moving you temporarily on (I am not as moved on now, backslid a bit), it will have many cool benefits. A good friend of mine signed up to learn Arabic - a very tough language, apparently - and some other classes I can't remember now. So, go get a new skill!

 

Those are my ideas for now. If you are lucky enough to find a cuddle buddy I HIGHLY recommend it. Helps a LOT in those extremely lonely nights, and it doesn't need to turn into s*x or anything more, literally holding someone for a few hours releases feel-good chemicals and makes one feel so loved and accepted.

 

Good luck!

Edited April 24, 2013 by PinkSapphire
Forgot some

[MsSmurf]

Stay busy. I too did the weight loss thing, then I started volunteering, took on extra work, and now I'm in grad school. I read more, am constantly checking out local events, am always making new friends, and spend more time with family. Sitting at home constantly leads to depression in my opinion. Now despite being busy I still feel lonely at times, but I'm hardly laying in bed unable to get up.