OzHeartache Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Hi Guys Although my relationship is not totally dead in the water (yet!! ) as she has asked for some space which im giving While its really hard to not think about all the time and let it bring me down, I'm trying to follow all the right things to do to move on like NC etc One thing that I know I have to work on is my "self worth" or "self respect"... I know I should be thinking well If you don't want to be with me then fine, Ill find someone that does but I'm really struggling with this.... this comes up a lot in threads/advice and the saying of "LOVE YOURSELF" What exactly does this mean and what is your definition of how one goes about it ??? (especially when all you can think about is how much you miss them and want them back in your life)
BriannaAnn Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Nobody wants to love a person that doesn't love themselves. Take time get to know you. Try me-time.. I have my 2 hours at the gym where I cut my phone off and get lost in my thoughts. Its nice to be unreachable. Think about how much u think about your significant other when u are unable to reach them.. im not sure of your body type but I swear my self love started in a gym... my ex started belittling me, got distant.. cheated more than a few times all because I didnt show that knew my own value... who wants someone that doesn't even wanna be with themselves?! Good luck. 2
xpaperxcutx Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Understanding that your ex is not your whole life and that you are capable of finding happiness minus her/him. If you had been in a position where you belittled your self-worth by begging, I suggest you remove yourself from that. For one, when exes minds are made up about getting away from someone, it's easier for them to move on than it is easier for them to stay. Obviously, you end up being the one who neglects yourself and your priorities to chase them down until the end of the world. When you don't care about your own well-being, your ex sees the lessened value of yourself as a person. Less value = less they want to be with you. You determine your own self-worth. If you think you deserve better, then you work on getting things that are better for you. Getting in shape, living happily, and having your own hobbies are the path to making yourself a better person. When you are happier without your exes, that positive energy then to emit from your person and to other people. Sometimes when exes see how vicariously you are living, they get jealous.
Author OzHeartache Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 Yeah I do, I know I'm a good person and I freely give love (probably too much) Im pretty athletic and have actually lost about 3 kilo (through not eating or sleeping properly) but have always run and done things like boot camp etc I think about my significant other all the time, I try and keep busy (photography, running, beach, going to watch the footy at the club even by myself) and works for the most part but I always end up back thinking and stewing over the situation (why, what if etc) and I know its not healthy but I cant be "doing stuff" 24hrs a day and this is where im struggling, if I held more self worth then I know I could switch that off by thinking if she ends up ending it then I'll be fine because I will find someone else (I hope) that does want to be with me....I have been keeping busy these last few weeks this has been going on, maybe im just being to hard and impatient with myself....I did NC no probs for the first 2 weeks but now I feel im hitting the wall and and being tempted to call/sms to find out what the hell is going on but she pretty much said she wanted to be left alone to think so I have to respect that or I risk pushing her away for good....this sucks!!!!! Nobody wants to love a person that doesn't love themselves. Take time get to know you. Try me-time.. I have my 2 hours at the gym where I cut my phone off and get lost in my thoughts. Its nice to be unreachable. Think about how much u think about your significant other when u are unable to reach them.. im not sure of your body type but I swear my self love started in a gym... my ex started belittling me, got distant.. cheated more than a few times all because I didnt show that knew my own value... who wants someone that doesn't even wanna be with themselves?! Good luck.
Author OzHeartache Posted April 24, 2013 Author Posted April 24, 2013 Yes! This I know is the reason I am where I am, I gave everything and kept nothing for myself, Now not knowing what is going to happen is scaring the ***** out of me! I did beg a little the first week but for the last month or so (we have had dinner and texted anotherday) I kept cool and acted like life was rosey and have been posting nothing but positive things on FB which I know she sees so basically lying to a degree lol I know she wont want a sad miserable guy so I'm trying to be positive and upbeat but its so hard, I just want her to come back or let me go..... the waiting is killing me which is why Im trying to treat it like its over even though technically I'm still waiting to find out (ie looking after my own feelings...well trying anyway) Understanding that your ex is not your whole life and that you are capable of finding happiness minus her/him. If you had been in a position where you belittled your self-worth by begging, I suggest you remove yourself from that. For one, when exes minds are made up about getting away from someone, it's easier for them to move on than it is easier for them to stay. Obviously, you end up being the one who neglects yourself and your priorities to chase them down until the end of the world. When you don't care about your own well-being, your ex sees the lessened value of yourself as a person. Less value = less they want to be with you. You determine your own self-worth. If you think you deserve better, then you work on getting things that are better for you. Getting in shape, living happily, and having your own hobbies are the path to making yourself a better person. When you are happier without your exes, that positive energy then to emit from your person and to other people. Sometimes when exes see how vicariously you are living, they get jealous.
swiftly333 Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 I cannot answer your question, but I wanted to say that this is a really good question! I also see/hear all this stuff about self love and it's true, I dont know what it really means either. I dont think this is something many of us are taught! However, I am trying to figure it out myself. And here is what Ive done: I started therapy so I can work though my own things. I am reading books on emotional health & healing. I am focusing on taking really good care of myself: eating good an nutritious food, exercising. For me a big part of this is taking care of my skin and hair, using nice lotions and such - this may sound superficial but taking the time to really take good care of my body really does make me feel better! And I am working on positive self talk; stop beating yourself up, let things go, and just accept who you are, mistakes you've made. forgiveness come with love. I surely don't have this self love thing figured out, but this is where I am starting and I think I am off to a god start, if I do say so myself. I think taking the step towards starting therapy was a big one for me. A good therapist can help you learn where to start with all of this. Hope that helps? 3
xpaperxcutx Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Yes! This I know is the reason I am where I am, I gave everything and kept nothing for myself, Now not knowing what is going to happen is scaring the ***** out of me! I did beg a little the first week but for the last month or so (we have had dinner and texted anotherday) I kept cool and acted like life was rosey and have been posting nothing but positive things on FB which I know she sees so basically lying to a degree lol I know she wont want a sad miserable guy so I'm trying to be positive and upbeat but its so hard, I just want her to come back or let me go..... the waiting is killing me which is why Im trying to treat it like its over even though technically I'm still waiting to find out (ie looking after my own feelings...well trying anyway) You need to stop thinking in the Bolded. By thinking like that you are still letting her control you, which just means that your self-improvements are only a short-term ploy to get her back. Until you can decide that your improvements are really truly for yourself, you are only living each day miserably because of your constant thoughts about her. What I wrote in my previous post are true, but I wasn't advocating for you to try to win her back. If that happens in the end, then I say you are a very lucky man. However, I was advocating for you to " love yourself" and in the process, move on for the better. If you are not truly happy with your changes and is only Fb posting to catch her attention, you are only doing yourself a disservice. 1
BriannaAnn Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Yeah I do, I know I'm a good person and I freely give love (probably too much) Im pretty athletic and have actually lost about 3 kilo (through not eating or sleeping properly) but have always run and done things like boot camp etc I think about my significant other all the time, I try and keep busy (photography, running, beach, going to watch the footy at the club even by myself) and works for the most part but I always end up back thinking and stewing over the situation (why, what if etc) and I know its not healthy but I cant be "doing stuff" 24hrs a day and this is where im struggling, if I held more self worth then I know I could switch that off by thinking if she ends up ending it then I'll be fine because I will find someone else (I hope) that does want to be with me....I have been keeping busy these last few weeks this has been going on, maybe im just being to hard and impatient with myself....I did NC no probs for the first 2 weeks but now I feel im hitting the wall and and being tempted to call/sms to find out what the hell is going on but she pretty much said she wanted to be left alone to think so I have to respect that or I risk pushing her away for good....this sucks!!!!! Thats not loving you, that's busy work! Ive been where u are and when u do find that self love itll be like ooooohhhhh.. I was on your roller coaster for 2 years. . What it always noiled down to is my loneliness and lack if self care. Lol. I challenge you to take yourself to a movie or dinner and leave your phone at home! No rushing..lol. I switched from a nice phone to a call text only for 2 months lol. It worked.. I see that you're lacking that because this is your time to be angry, be pissed. She doesn't see your entire value. Now dont send a angry texy or anything. Butttt. Dont act like what she did was ok. My ex said he was tired of doing no wrong, anything he did I accepted. U need to b a little dismissive with her because gurss what she thinks :You'll be there whenever she's ready!!! So why would she rush?? Make plans with her then cancel, accidently call her a different name... prove she doesn't have you pegged! And get rid of the word "sorry" for a while! im trying to fire u up, motivate you. I wish you good luck though!
carhill Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 What exactly does this mean and what is your definition of how one goes about it ??? Remember how you felt when things were 'good' with your lover? When you can be alone, without a lover, and feel that way, you 'love yourself'. It's a passion about your own life, your value in this existence and the gift which you can, at any moment or forever, share with another person. Every breath is a gift. Good luck.
OwlSoul Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Love yourself = do what benefits you first of all.
Skalabanan Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 There's no acting here, once you improve yourself and re-establish your own happiness it will all become second nature. At first you'll have to tell yourself your happy and this is the right approach etc... but over time it becomes life and you will be happy with yourself.
ViciousCycle Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Does anyone know any good literature about loving oneself? I don't like super cheesy self help books, but anything with a down to earth or realistic approach would be nice.
GI_Joy Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Does anyone know any good literature about loving oneself? I don't like super cheesy self help books, but anything with a down to earth or realistic approach would be nice. I find the Marc and angel website to be very inspiring and grounded literature to read. It keeps me centered and focused on what truly matters and what to let go. Let me know what you think. Check it out
Chi townD Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 Well, for me. Loving yourself means letting go. Letting go of the feelings that I wasn't good enough to keep her. I wasn't handsome enough or I was financially stable enough...whatever negative thoughts were associated with what I thought about myself. I made self improvements and did things that I enjoyed and not caring what other people thought. Even though, doing this "self improvements" the foundation of WHO I WAS never changed and I remained true to myself. This is me, take it or leave it. And I had to convince myself that there was a girl looking for a guy just like me. Problem was, I just haven't found her...yet. Until that time happened, I promised myself that I would make life one big adventure. And stayed true to myself. 2
KathyM Posted April 24, 2013 Posted April 24, 2013 I think loving yourself means to value yourself and accept yourself. To believe you are a person of value that is worthy of being loved. It means being good to yourself by taking good care of yourself. It means respecting yourself and having a strong sense of self that is not dependent on what other people think of you. It means appreciating the good things about you. It means protecting yourself from things that would harm you, and being honest with yourself so that the decisions you make in life will ultimately be something you can be happy with and proud of. It means standing up for what you believe and thinking that your opinion matters, and your needs, desires and aspirations matter. Although loving yourself is not meant to exploit or do harm to others. Loving yourself means not accepting poor or unfair treatment from others. Taking good care of yourself, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. 2
Author OzHeartache Posted April 30, 2013 Author Posted April 30, 2013 Thanks for your replies guys Pretty much kinda what I was thinking, Look after myself and do things that make "me" happy....... still trying but guess its going to take time to accept, forget and continue on but we all have to keep whacking away..... we cant give up
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