Jilly10340 Posted September 20, 2004 Posted September 20, 2004 Okay, met this guy a couple weeks ago. He's funny, sweet, a gentlemen, everything I look for in a guy. We dated for about two weeks before we had the big talk about being "exclusive." Once we started "going steady" things changed. We seem to argue a lot. Last Thursday we got into an argument after he went over to some girls house who he said was married and just a "friend." Well, we got that all worked out the same night and I thought everything was fine between us. So the next morning we're emailing each other from work like we always do and he just seems different. I could tell that something was wrong because he usually calls me baby or tells me he misses me or something like that. There was none of that this time. So I ask him what's wrong and he just says he's stressing over work and can't email me every couple of minutes. So I let it go and leave him alone for awhile, but I ask him if he still wants to see me that night and he says that yes, he does and he's looking forward to it very much. So it's about an hour before he's supposed to pick me up. He calls me to tell me that his boss and friends from work are going out for drinks and he wants to go with them. So he can't see me because he doesn't want to feel pressured to leave them at a certain time. WTF? What's really messed up is that we were supposed to see each other the Monday before that but he "remembered that he told his roommate that he would hang out with him and he couldn't cancel because if his friend did that to him he would be really mad at him." Isn't this the same exact situation? So I let him go. About three hours later he calls and says that he knows he's been acting weird the last few days and that's because he just freaks out in relationships. He says that he hasn't had a girlfriend in over a year so he's used to doing his own thing and not answering to nobody. He said that he doesn't want to lose me because he's being so stupid and that he likes me so much. I stay the night with him on Saturday and he doesn't even try to have sex with me. He always tries to have sex with me. He's a guy. I've always heard that it's a problem when you're in a relationship and the person doesn't want to have sex with you anymore. I guess what I'm asking is: Is it time to give up and call it quits? Is this guy just the biggest jerk who doesn't deserve a chance or what? I need some advice...
kellyp1 Posted September 20, 2004 Posted September 20, 2004 But keep your options open for meeting other people. Don't always be there when he calls, let him know there are other prospects for you out there and that he could lose you if he doesn't watch out. Everyone will have some baggage to overcome but be careful if he continues to use his past or fear of being hurt as an excuse for everything.
Author Jilly10340 Posted September 20, 2004 Author Posted September 20, 2004 Oh, he knows that I have other prospects. There was this guy I was dating before I met him but I called it off with him because there was just nothing there. We're still friends and hang out. When my boyfriend cancelled on me on Friday night that's who I went out and hung out with. I told my boyfriend and asked if that bothered him but he said no, although you could tell he didn't like it. So he knows there's other people out there.
SoleMate Posted September 20, 2004 Posted September 20, 2004 Good advice from kellyp. You've only known this guy for a few WEEKS...not time to have any expectations of him. And not time to be jumping into bed with him either, IMO. I would wait until you're sure that he is REALLY what you're looking for. Also...how can you say he is a "gentleman" when he is impolite to you? Once we started "going steady" things changed. We seem to argue a lot. Maybe because your expectations changed. You started asking him for things...like predictable behavior. Last Thursday we got into an argument after he went over to some girls house who he said was married and just a "friend." I would say, "I'd love to meet her, so just let me grab my shoes and I'll join you!" If he starts to hem and haw...well...everything AFTER that point will be a fabrication. Just warning you. Probably she is having a rough time in her marriage, her husband is travelling, and he is over there to "comfort" her. (cough cough)
Author Jilly10340 Posted September 20, 2004 Author Posted September 20, 2004 I've actually known him for a couple months. We just didn't become "exclusive" until a couple of weeks ago. What's hard about the relationship is that he lives a 1/2 hour away, so I can't just "grab my shoes" and join him and his friends.
netrie Posted September 20, 2004 Posted September 20, 2004 [color=darkblue]I would do the NO CONTACT thing. Sounds like he is "backin' out" and doesnt know how to just do it... NO CONTACT... [/color]
Author Jilly10340 Posted September 20, 2004 Author Posted September 20, 2004 that's just the thing. I've asked him exactly that. I've told him that if he just isn't into it then tell me. He says that he really cares about me and wants this to work between us. I'm so confused.
SoleMate Posted September 20, 2004 Posted September 20, 2004 In a situation like this, his WORDS are nothing, his ACTIONS are everything.
Author Jilly10340 Posted September 21, 2004 Author Posted September 21, 2004 If he wants out that bad, why doesn't he just say it? I've basically given him an easy out. If that's what he wants, why didn't he take it?
kellyp1 Posted September 21, 2004 Posted September 21, 2004 Some guys don't want to feel like a-holes so they act like idiots kind of waiting for you to break up with them. Do the no contact thing, I think that is the best call. It will either get to him and he will realize that he needs to step up and keep you or it will give him an out. Either way, you are none the worse for the wear. Good luck!
Author Jilly10340 Posted September 21, 2004 Author Posted September 21, 2004 Thanks to everyone who replied to my question. It helped me get some of my thoughts in order and get some unbiased advice also. I think I will take the "no contact" thing. It puts the ball in his court. If he really likes me he'll contact me. If anyone wants to add any other wise words by all means go ahead. Thanks everyone!
beautiful Posted September 21, 2004 Posted September 21, 2004 The problem is that you do not know this man. 2 month is not enough time to know him or anyone for that matter. Another problem is that you already having sex with him..................it will cloud your judgment on his true character. Here is what I see. This is a guy who is having his cake and ice cream with whip cream on top of it. You as a woman are already so attached to this man, why? because you already having sex with him. Men do not have to be emotionally attached to a woman to have sex, women do. We get emotionally attached way to soon and that is when problems come. My suggestion for you is simple, live your life and be sincerely happy. Do all the things that make you feel happy and have healthy friends in your life. Do not concentrate on this man so much, after all, you do not know him. When you buy a house, you get it inspected, you make sure the plumbing is working, the roof is solid and that the house has a good foundation and so forth but when it comes to getting involved with a man we don't check out the basics, like what is his true character?! I think you can still reverse the situation and that means stop the sex for now and spend quality time getting to know this guys character. Give it some time. Your body is your temple and it is a privilege for him or any man to touch it. Sincerely and openly talk with him. Tell him what you want, do not beat around the bush, men hate that. Than see what he DOES. ACTIONS speak louder than words. 100%. A guy can tell you stuff all day long but if his actions don't match , forget it. Do believe what you actually see. He is only one guy. Before you knew him you had a life, well get your life back and than get a man. Most of all keep your life even while in a relationship. Men do not like for women to give up everything for them.........well let me say healthy men. Unhealthy men will love it when you become the door Matt. So relax, be happy and most of all let go. Love, true love , healthy love , DOES NOT HAVE DRAMA like this:-) The NO CONTACT RULE is ok however it is a form of manipulation mostly to yourself. Be sincere, say what you feel to him and bring it out in the open. A man that wants to be with you will openly talk about what he feels and wants. Honesty is the best policy in any situation and you will see how wonderfully your life will change by being honest about what you want and able to express it to a man that is sincere with you.
Author Jilly10340 Posted September 21, 2004 Author Posted September 21, 2004 Thank you so much for your advice. I don't know what to think. I've given him so many chances to get out of this relationship, if that's what he wants I don't why he just don't take them. I've talked to him about everything. We've decided to give it another chance but he doesn't seem really into it. Like he was supposed to come over today after work and stay the night but when I asked him if he was still coming over this morning he said that he could if I wanted but it probably wouldn't be until 8 because he got up late this morning and didn't have time to get any of his stuff together so he would have to go all the way home (1/2 hour away), get his stuff, and come to my apartment. What do you think? Sounds like an excuse to me. I'm so tired of all these mind games. I tried the no contact thing. He calls me, he emails me, he contacts me. It's like half the time he likes me and half the time he doesn't. If he doesn't want to be in a relationship, why does he continue to call. Why don't he just stop all contact? Guys suck
SoleMate Posted September 21, 2004 Posted September 21, 2004 I've given him so many chances to get out of this relationship, if that's what he wants I don't know why he just don't take them? Hunnh? Why would you leave that decision in HIS hands? YOU should decide whether to continue this or not. Otherwise, it's a logical impasse - you stay bonded to this pipsqueak indefinitely until he "sets you free" by saying he "wants out"?????? He just doesn't appear to have much time for you or make you a priority. You don't appear to be happy with the crumbs that he is feeding you.
Author Jilly10340 Posted September 21, 2004 Author Posted September 21, 2004 I thought that I would leave it in his hands because I WANT this relationship with him to work. I have no idea how he feels. He says he cares but you never know. So I thought that I would leave the decision to him. If he wants to stay, we can try to make it work. If he wants to leave, he can be on his way.
Moka_maverick Posted September 21, 2004 Posted September 21, 2004 Wll this guy seems wishy-washy to me...doesn't know what he wants and that isn't cool for you. You need to tell him how you feel as though he is being inconsiderate and you need time. So tell him that you think both of you need to take time to figure if this is what you want and one or the other will make contact when it is all figured out. Maybe being w/o you will help him miss you, and perhaps step up to the plate?
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