Feeling better today from NC

[ViresSanctity]

I'm getting used to the odd silence without her. I gotta remember that I've lived my life for 25 years without her and carried on fine. She's only been in my life for 6 months. Almost a drop in the bucket.

 

I couldn't enjoy doing anything before today. I can't say I did much this morning either until I did something new. I was always afraid of bikes growing up. I smashed my nuts while trying to do a bunny hop at 11. Yesterday I learned how to balance a bike for the first time and today I conquered my fears by successfully pulling off a bunny hop.

 

I swear I learned it in one day watching a youtube video. The excitement from it really brings back memories of happiness you can achieve by yourself. I don't need her support or her cheers to be happy. I could do it all without the tricycle wheels because I'm a big boy.

 

Looking forward to feeling more alive in the next couple of weeks.

[ViresSanctity]

And two seconds after submitting my last post, she just texted me! OMG She did not promise me to delete my number like I asked her to.

 

"These past few days I've been very sad. I said I would forget you but my heart misses you a lot."

[ViresSanctity]

Hey, good to hear you're doing better. :-) Don't reply to that text!

 

I deleted it like the AIDS!

[ViresSanctity]

Ahahaha!!!! I just spit my coffee everywhere....

 

Sooo awesome for you! I love your attitude. It does get better, amazingly better.

 

I'm scared of bikes too and I don't even own balls...ok I have benwa balls...they are brass..so maybe I have brass balls..hmmm I'd love to think I had removable brass balls.

 

Congratulations! I'm glad you aren't contracting aids today!

 

 

 

Block her number

 

Trust me! Those seats hurt enough that I thought about wearing a jockstrap.

 

I sort of feel guilty about the text because it fed my EGO a whole lot right now thinking I was the only depressed one there. I guess I'm not that different.

[DelusionalOne]

Nothing wrong with a good ego boost from someone who stomped on your heart. Congratulations on having the strength to delete it and not respond.

 

How long were you two NC?

[ViresSanctity]

Nothing wrong with a good ego boost from someone who stomped on your heart. Congratulations on having the strength to delete it and not respond.

 

How long were you two NC?

 

6 days. I forget that today was the day we were supposed to see each other before the sudden break up. It makes sense she'd text me.

[Leo the Homely Lion]

And two seconds after submitting my last post, she just texted me! OMG She did not promise me to delete my number like I asked her to.

 

"These past few days I've been very sad. I said I would forget you but my heart misses you a lot."

 

, to use that word loosely, hates me, used me, and cringes at the thought of me, all in her own words -- when she's not telling me to call her when I'm available. Which I will be. But there will be no call thanks to the BPD article thefooloftheyear posted, which I've read a third time. Just amazing how stupid I am.

 

Was.

 

And am.

 

I miss her craziness even. Which makes me the real fool of the (five) year(s). But at least it's only missing and not experiencing.

 

She's kicked my ass for life.

 

But not any more, at least.

 

Reading this stuff is both helpful and not. I need to forget her and that's where this board doesn't help with me on it. Good luck, all.

[RickFox]

Here's one for ya:

 

Xmw tells me to leave her alone, to never speak to her again, she's magically reconnected with her H suddenly after our dday and she tells me, "not being bitchy, just firm." Pissed, hurt, confused, all of the above....trumps all her I love you's. She calls me a stalker, which I've never done, tells me she "keeps tabs" on me via FB (I'm the stalker right) and later tells me, "why can't you get over it, move on."

 

About a year later I get two messages on my FB page, a week apart from each other, I find them almost a month after they are sent because I'm not a big FBer. "Hey" and "hi" are in the box. Really? Effing kidding me right? More pissed than an ego boost but a short while later I decided to respond and simply sent her a "hello". I should have left it alone, should have ignored it but Im a curious guy, and so the response I got has helped me cement that I will never respond to her again because not only did I have the fool of the year award prior to this, but I damn near won it again. She says and yes this is verbatim, burned into my brain on purpose, "I wasn't going to respond but I'm curious to know why it is you're messaging me, is there something you want to say or....?"

 

Nope, not saying anything else lady, not even worth it, I never responded, I laughed, and hear the words, get over it and move on....and so I have.

 

Bottom line, we have all had the fool of the year award in our hands at one point or another..... And as far as forgetting your AP, you won't, ever....you can try all you want, but you won't forget her. You can take her off the pedestal you had her on, you can remind yourself the bad things, you can choose to replace thoughts at times, but you will never truly forget her .... and that to me is where this place helps, I've learned to occupy my time better and this place teaches me that as long as I remember what happened, I am less likely to make the mistake again, with her or anyone else.

[thefooloftheyear]

Here's one for ya:

 

Xmw tells me to leave her alone, to never speak to her again, she's magically reconnected with her H suddenly after our dday and she tells me, "not being bitchy, just firm." Pissed, hurt, confused, all of the above....trumps all her I love you's. She calls me a stalker, which I've never done, tells me she "keeps tabs" on me via FB (I'm the stalker right) and later tells me, "why can't you get over it, move on."

 

About a year later I get two messages on my FB page, a week apart from each other, I find them almost a month after they are sent because I'm not a big FBer. "Hey" and "hi" are in the box. Really? Effing kidding me right? More pissed than an ego boost but a short while later I decided to respond and simply sent her a "hello". I should have left it alone, should have ignored it but Im a curious guy, and so the response I got has helped me cement that I will never respond to her again because not only did I have the fool of the year award prior to this, but I damn near won it again. She says and yes this is verbatim, burned into my brain on purpose, "I wasn't going to respond but I'm curious to know why it is you're messaging me, is there something you want to say or....?"

 

Nope, not saying anything else lady, not even worth it, I never responded, I laughed, and hear the words, get over it and move on....and so I have.

 

Bottom line, we have all had the fool of the year award in our hands at one point or another..... And as far as forgetting your AP, you won't, ever....you can try all you want, but you won't forget her. You can take her off the pedestal you had her on, you can remind yourself the bad things, you can choose to replace thoughts at times, but you will never truly forget her .... and that to me is where this place helps, I've learned to occupy my time better and this place teaches me that as long as I remember what happened, I am less likely to make the mistake again, with her or anyone else.

 

Its my title right now, and dammit I plan to defend it with all my might!

 

You are making a lot of sense, my friend.

 

TFY

Edited April 24, 2013 by thefooloftheyear

[Goodbye]

Strong guy! Way to go. I love that you learned something new in the wake of this relationship ending. Goes to show that positive change can come from adversity...even in small ways.

[ViresSanctity]

It's been about a week since the break up. I've had so much to reflect on. By being distanced from the relationship, I could see things more objectively. Even though I'm still tinged by the text she sent yesterday, I got to remind myself why it no longer matters.

 

I've written down the positives and the negatives of being in that relationship. And the more I write down the more negatives I find being in that relationship than the positives. It's a big discrepancy.

 

This is my list

 

-------

The positives:

+Peak moments of happiness when we are together (once a week)

 

+The combination of deep Romantic Love, Erotica, and Friendship. The holy trinity of a relationship.

 

+Tests my patience and character, building character as a result

 

+Developing maturity

 

+Lots of support from her experience in life and insight.

 

+A spark towards a huge motivation to succeed in life

 

The negatives:

 

-Constant questioning of personal morality and values

 

-Guilt that not sure if could live with rest of life

 

-Obsessive needs due to distance

 

-Uncertainty with future

 

-Anxiety issues

 

-Pressured to change myself for another person

 

-Fear of my feelings changing due to resentment one day, resulting in an unhappy separation, cheating etc.

 

-Disconnected everyone from my community with her

 

-Insecurity building up and esteem for myself dropping each day

 

-Losing my identity to her

 

-Co-dependency

 

-Emotional and physical unavailability

 

-Major risk

 

-Married woman

 

-Major distrust in relationship

 

-Peak moments of pain and sadness (70% of the time of relationship)

 

-Major question marks over her head

 

 

If anyone is wondering about the status of their affair and whether it is worth it, write down your list of positives and negatives. You'll see if you are looking through rose colored glasses or not. Mines wasn't close to a normal relationship, much less an ideal one. This repulses me from coming back to the relationship and makes me much relieved to be apart.

[ViresSanctity]

She called me this morning while I was out eating with my parents. I recognized the area code and didn't answer. She didn't take long before she hung up the phone, probably regretting that she called and seeing I wasn't going to pick up.

 

Again I had no desire to talk to her, nor regret not answering. I think she will be discouraged very soon and stop communicating with me. Her pride swells before love and this is a major hit to her ego.

 

I'm starting to feel feelings of anger today. I don't want to over-think about her, but the text yesterday bugged me in that she said she would forget me but has a difficult time right now. Does she want to pat her on the back for trying? It's like a back handed compliment that I was too slow to catch on

[Praying4Peace]

Hows it going today?

[ViresSanctity]

Hows it going today?

 

I'm not going to lie, last night I had a dream of me showing up at her work and we were very happy to see each other. Gotta keep this fantasy on lock down.

[Praying4Peace]

I thought so.

 

The feelings come in bipolar waves- so after a period of strength there is this period of weakness. There was such determination in your last post I thought you'd have a backlash (speaking from experience).

 

Just remember- you don't have to be rude to her or even feel anger or dislike for her. Just let her know that you are not okay being in an affair. Love yourself more. Balls in her court.

 

Hope you get to keep busy today!

[lynn1954]

I'm not going to lie, last night I had a dream of me showing up at her work and we were very happy to see each other. Gotta keep this fantasy on lock down.

 

Yes, in general, just try not to think about her at all in any way.

 

Don't think negative thoughts about her, don't think positive thoughts.

 

Your goal is to get to the point where she never crosses your mind for any reason.

 

So, while you're working toward that goal, every time she's on your mind for any reason, force yourself to switch immediately to thinking something else that you enjoy thinking about, or do some task that requires attention so your mind can't wander, etc.

 

Your recent fantasy was an overnight dream that you couldn't control, but now that you're awake don't spend time recalling last night's dream.

 

Consider this as an analogy:

 

on a random day such as August 9, 2008 it was significant to think about what clothing you would wear that day; now do you think about or know or care what you wore that day?

 

on a random day such as October 10, 2006 it was significant to think about what food to eat for dinner that day; now do you think about or know or care what you ate for dinner that day?

 

My point is: as quickly as possible, mentally turn her into a neutral topic that may've been significant to you in the past, but is now irrelevant to your current life and never crosses your mind.

 

Yes, your break-up was recent so you maybe can't clean her out of your brain like science fiction, but you get what I mean!

[thefooloftheyear]

I know this might make no sense...and believe me I dont want to scare you off, but.....

 

The beginning isnt actually that bad because you have fleeting delusional thoughts that this wont last and shell come to her senses and call you back. You know when it REALLY gets bad? When you are a few months out and it looks like the whole thing is slipping away and heading toward obscurity. That is the most miserable of all...I am in the teeth of that right now and let me tell you, its no fun.

 

Just dont eff up..If you do the clock just starts all over again..

 

TFY

[Praying4Peace]

I know this might make no sense...and believe me I dont want to scare you off, but.....

 

The beginning isnt actually that bad because you have fleeting delusional thoughts that this wont last and shell come to her senses and call you back. You know when it REALLY gets bad? When you are a few months out and it looks like the whole thing is slipping away and heading toward obscurity. That is the most miserable of all...I am in the teeth of that right now and let me tell you, its no fun.

 

Just dont eff up..If you do the clock just starts all over again..

 

TFY

 

TFY- you mentioned this in another thread...the feeling after 30 days when you feel like its all slipping away for real...I was going to t/j back then and forgot. Can you start a new thread for this? I'm 4 months out and would love to discuss this phase. Its different and I'm not sure if its better or worse.

[ViresSanctity]

 

Consider this as an analogy:

 

on a random day such as August 9, 2008 it was significant to think about what clothing you would wear that day; now do you think about or know or care what you wore that day?

 

on a random day such as October 10, 2006 it was significant to think about what food to eat for dinner that day; now do you think about or know or care what you ate for dinner that day?

 

My point is: as quickly as possible, mentally turn her into a neutral topic that may've been significant to you in the past, but is now irrelevant to your current life and never crosses your mind.

 

Yes, your break-up was recent so you maybe can't clean her out of your brain like science fiction, but you get what I mean!

 

I get what you're saying and I'm working towards getting it that state. Those are good analogies. When she becomes the pizza which topping I can't remember I ate about two weeks ago, I'll be free.

[ViresSanctity]

I thought so.

 

The feelings come in bipolar waves- so after a period of strength there is this period of weakness. There was such determination in your last post I thought you'd have a backlash (speaking from experience).

 

Just remember- you don't have to be rude to her or even feel anger or dislike for her. Just let her know that you are not okay being in an affair. Love yourself more. Balls in her court.

 

Hope you get to keep busy today!

 

Donated blood today and looking to exterminate some cockroaches in the house!

[ViresSanctity]

I know this might make no sense...and believe me I dont want to scare you off, but.....

 

The beginning isnt actually that bad because you have fleeting delusional thoughts that this wont last and shell come to her senses and call you back. You know when it REALLY gets bad? When you are a few months out and it looks like the whole thing is slipping away and heading toward obscurity. That is the most miserable of all...I am in the teeth of that right now and let me tell you, its no fun.

 

Just dont eff up..If you do the clock just starts all over again..

 

TFY

 

I'm trying to accept that she's gone as soon as possible. I had those delusional thoughts when my sister passed away. I would see dreams of her coming back as if nothing would happen and wake up empty handed. This is how I'm trying to treat it. Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance...

[DelusionalOne]

I know this might make no sense...and believe me I dont want to scare you off, but.....

 

The beginning isnt actually that bad because you have fleeting delusional thoughts that this wont last and shell come to her senses and call you back. You know when it REALLY gets bad? When you are a few months out and it looks like the whole thing is slipping away and heading toward obscurity. That is the most miserable of all...I am in the teeth of that right now and let me tell you, its no fun.

 

Just dont eff up..If you do the clock just starts all over again..

 

TFY

 

I know this feeling very well. For me it was around the 7-8 week mark at it's worst. It's a horrible feeling...

[ViresSanctity]

She sent me a wall of text today. I have no way of blocking my texts. I almost memorized it right now when I saw her big digits pop up on my screen. I had to save her number to a name until I find a better way to fix this. I have a feeling she memorized my number even after I told her to delete it.

 

Here's the text, "How did me and you get to this point? I know me and you are separated! But deep down I never wanted to lose you. I miss you so much, do you know that? I know the two of us have really big egos and neither of us are willing to contact the other. I'm not texting you with the hope that we'll be together again. I just hope we can at least talk. We've had one week to think about a lot of things. Think it over and then reply to me. You are the one person closest to me and also the first person I've met since moving here to California. I don't want anything bad happening between us anymore."

 

Sounds like she just wants cake? It's really pissing me off.

Edited April 26, 2013 by ViresSanctity
some corrections

[Praying4Peace]

She sent me a wall of text today. I have no way of blocking my texts. I almost memorized it right now when I saw her big digits pop up on my screen. I had to save her number to a name until I find a better way to fix this. I have a feeling she memorized my number even after I told her to delete it.

 

Here's the text, "How did me and you get to this point? I know me and you are separated! But deep down I never wanted to lose you. I miss you so much, do you know that? I know the two of us have really big egos and neither of us are willing to contact the other. I'm not texting you with the hope that we'll be together again. I just hope we can at least talk. We've had one week to think about a lot of things. Think it over and then reply to me. You are the one person closest to me and also the first person I've met since moving here to California. I don't want anything bad happening between us anymore."

 

Sounds like she just wants cake? It's really pissing me off.

 

Lets go through this wall of total mindf^&&^kery shall we?

 

First of all the bolded items are completely irreconcilable. She's not texting with the hope that you'll be 'together' (define together? I'm guessing she means in an 'affair') but then she says "I don't want anything bad happening between us anymore."

 

OK- she clearly doesn't have a LoveShack Degree in Affair Related Stupidity so I'll cut her some slack but when she says you can't be together...as in 'have an affair' does she not know that an emotional affair is just as dangerous and consuming even if you take the physical out of it? I guess not. So her telling you she's not starting anything up but then saying she wants 1) nothing bad between you 2) that you are the closest person to her (yeah I thought that would be your hubby that you're spooning but I guess I'm a stickler for details) and 3) I hope we can at least talk (meaning you get what you need out of this relationship...no thought that maybe you'd like someone you can talk to and be close to in a real relationship bc you're a human being not some stuffed animal who doesn't need reciprocal emotions)

 

Wow, she eats cake for breakfast, huh?

 

That all said I want to add that I don't always think that people do things with bad intentions. I truly believes she means everything she says. It must scare the crap out of her that you can move on and find a single girl and be happy. You might be here pining for her but she won't see that bc rationally speaking why wouldn't you be happy with a normal, real relationship. There are tons of available girls out there....as soon as you find one she's toast. And thats why she needs you two to keep talking and keep close to each other.

 

What I would advise is probably against most of what people will post with but I'm a romantic at heart so I can't resist. Most people would say to tell her off and call her out on her selfish ways and tell her to leave you the BLANK alone. Don't do that. Don't be mean. Call me old fashioned but shes still a woman and don't ever lose your dignity for someone else- because that reflects badly on you.

 

Tell her you have to be realistic about what will make you happy long term. That you will not be happy investing any emotions into a married person because it is not enough for you and it is not the right thing to do her H. Tell her that you are not seeing anyone right now because you miss her and need time to heal so that your next relationship will be 100% fulfilling. Ask her to please refrain from contacting you because that delays that healing time and that you deserve to be in wonderful relationship and you have NO DOUBT you will one day.

 

Finally just tell her the truth- to contact you only if she is single. Tell her based on the past you won't be waiting around for this to happen but you are telling her just so she knows how you feel about her today, at this moment.

 

Then go find some more cockroaches to kill. Stamp those annoying little things out. Think of them as this toxic relationship you are in with her. They crawl in the back walls of your home and infiltrate and do nothing but cause annoyance. They don't come out in the light of day. Repeat: you do not want a cockroach relationship.

 

I know how hard this is for you. Back to studying for me bc my cockroach relationship also cost me the best job I ever had.

[DelusionalOne]

First thing... if you want her to stop texting you and can't block the text, every time you get a text from her IMMEDIATELY type and respond.

 

Your message could not be delivered because the recipient has blocked this number.

 

That should stop it.

 

Cake? Maybe. Mostly she probably experiencing the same thing the rest of us are out here...withdrawal. She wants to "friend-zone" you so she can gradually withdraw....and besides that, if you are her friend then you can't possibly hate her, right? If you are her friend than she can't be a bad person. Friend-zoning you is all about her and nothing about you. It is selfish.

 

I can't tell you what is going thru her mind and what she really wants. This is just my perspective on the whole thing.